posted June 20, 2006 03:57 PM              

This will warm your heart. Just when you have lost faith in human kindness:

This letter was sent to the principal's office after an elementary school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady had received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say
thank you.

This story is a credit to all human kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!

Dear Faculty and Students:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio. Before I received this one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day, her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of little pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said "F*** you!"

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes
************************************

THE DIARIES

HER DIARY (5/17/06)

Wednesday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent.

I asked him what was wrong. He said "nothing". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him; he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; don't know why he didn't say "I love you too".

When we got home, I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed so distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and, to my surprise, he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY (5/17/06)

posted June 22, 2006 06:00 AM              

These 2 guys go into a bar. At the end of the counter is this ugly old dude, and there are women swarming all around him.

As the guys were ordering a beer, one of them asks the bartender- "Hey what's up with the geezer at the end of the bar? Why is he surrounded by beautiful women?"

posted July 19, 2006 11:21 AM              

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough
gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

(Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour





(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over
quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay,so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is biger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains






(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.

posted July 19, 2006 11:29 AM              

So he goes up to his grandpa and says "Grandpa, do you realize that you're not wearing any pants?" His grandpa replies "Yes Jimmy, I do."

Jimmy then says "Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?"

posted July 19, 2006 11:52 AM              

She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her: "You keep sneezing, what's the problem?"

The woman replies: "I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

He says, "Oh... what are you taking for it?"

She says: "Pepper."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.

posted July 19, 2006 03:31 PM            

Awww I wish I could tell more but the only ones I know are completely just... wrong! haha and not even mine so I ain't taking the slack!

posted July 20, 2006 09:31 AM              

DO IT !!!!!

posted July 22, 2006 01:03 PM            

My Gem friend told me this one

A mother was talking to her three daughters one day and her eldest asked her,
"Mummy, why did you call me Rose?"
"Well," she said, "One day I was walking through the park with you in a pram and a rose petal fell on your head, so I called you Rose."
Then her second daughter asked her,
"Mummy, why did you call me Violet?"
"Well," She said, "I was walking through the park with you and a violet petal fell on your head, so I called you Violet."
Then her third daughted asked her,
"MffHPgHggArrGGhh?"
"Shut up, Fridge!"

posted July 24, 2006 07:32 PM              

5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what THEY liked best about"Oral Sex":
a. 3% liked the warmth.

b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation.

posted July 24, 2006 07:43 PM              

Nothing it just waved

posted July 27, 2006 11:23 AM              

***TWO NEW ELEMENTS ON THE PERIODIC TABLE**

>> ELEMENT : Woman
Symbol : Wo

>> ATOMIC WEIGHT: Said to be 53.6kg but actually varies between 40kg and 200kg.

>> PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: Generally round in form. Boils at various temperatures. Freezes for no known reason. Bitter if incorrectly used. Found in various states from virgin metal to common 'ore. Insoluble in water but very active if saturated in alchohol. Melts whenever treated properly.

>> TESTS: Pure specimen turns pink when found in natural state. Turns green when placed next to a better specimen.

>> CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amount of exotic food. Ages rapidly.

>> USAGE: Mainly ornamental but can be a useful cleaning agent. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

>> CAUTION: HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE in inexperienced hands. Can only possess one specimen. Several can be maintained in different locations but must not be allowed to come into contact with each other.

>>> ELEMENT: MAN
Symbol : XY
>> COMMON NAMES: Varies anywhere from John to !@#$!
>> ATOMIC WEIGHT: 180+/-100

>> PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flakey. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.

>> CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: Attempt to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD ( ELEMENT: KID ) for a prolonged period of time. Pretty basic. Neutralizes by saturating with alcohol.

>> USAGE: None really except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

>> CAUTION: In the absence of Wo this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

posted July 27, 2006 03:25 PM              

A woman didn't come home one night.

The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

----------

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night.

The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that.............

He was still there..........

******************************

A dog thinks:
Hey, those people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me.....They must be gods!

A cat thinks:
Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me..... I must be a god!

What is a Cat?

1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost you money.

Conclusion:? They're tiny little women in fur coats.

posted July 27, 2006 03:45 PM              

The rabbi replies: "At your wedding."

*~*~*~*~*

A rabbi once asked his old friend, the priest, "Could you ever be promoted?"

The priest says, thoughtfully, "Well, I could become a bishop."

The rabbi persists, "And then?"

With a pause for consideration, the priest replies, "Maybe I could be a cardinal, even."

"And then?"

After thinking for some time, the priest responds, "I may, someday, rise to be the Pope."

But the rabbi is still not satisfied. "And then?"

With an air of incredulity, the priest cries, "What more could I become? Jesus Christ Himself?"

The rabbi said, quietly, "One of our boys made it."

*~*~*~*~*~*

One Pope, in the Dark Ages, decreed that all Jews had to leave Rome. The Jews did not want to leave, and so the Pope challenged them to a debate to prove that they could remain. No one, however wanted the responsibility... until the synagogue janitor, Moishe, volunteered.
As there was nobody else who wanted to go, Moishe was given the task. But he wanted a twist: to make it a silent debate. The Pope agreed.

The day of the debate came, and they went to St. Peter's Square to sort out the decision. First the Pope waved his hand around his head. Moishe pointed firmly at the ground.

The Pope, in some surprise, held up three fingers. In response, Moishe gave him the middle finger.

The crowd started to complain, but the Pope thoughtfully waved them to be quiet. He took out a bottle of wine and a wafer, holding them up. Moishe took out an apple, and held it up.

The Pope, to the people’s surprise, said, "I concede. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

Later, the Pope was asked what the debate had meant. He explained, "First, I showed him the Heavens, to show that God is everywhere. He pointed at the ground to signify that God is right here with us. I showed him three fingers, for the Trinity. He reminded me that there is One God common to both our religions. I showed him wine and a wafer, for God's forgiveness. With an apple, he showed me original sin. The man was a master of silent debate."

In the Jewish corner, Moishe had the same question put to him, and answered, "It was all nonsense, really. First, he told me that this whole town would be free of Jews. I told him, Go to Hell! We’re staying right here! Then, he told me we had three days to get out. I told him just what I thought of that proposal." An older woman asked, "But what about the part at the end?" "That?" said Moishe with a shrug, "Well, I saw him take out his lunch, so I took out mine."

*~*~*~*~*

What are the two things that would survive a nuclear holocaust???

Cockroaches and Cher, who would still be performing her farewell tour.

posted July 28, 2006 01:02 AM            

1) Nahi
2) Mujhe Waqt Chahiye
3) I hav Alwz seen u as a frnd
4) I already have a boyfriend
5) We should concentrate on studies
6) Tum mujhe abhi tak Jaante kaha ho...Yeh Infatuation hai !!

6 answers given by a boy is asked:-

posted August 01, 2006 12:47 PM            

About a week later, the Doctor calls... Very releived
to finally have some answers the woman answers the
phone. The Doctor says, " I just want to assure you
that you are in fine health but by any chance is your
boyfriend a Harley guy?" Stunned the woman replies,
"Why yes he is?"
The doctor says, "Well, you tell him that the gold in
his earings is not real!"

posted August 01, 2006 07:24 PM              

Flight Attendent

A flight attendent was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, " Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub".

The Old Timers Dance...(...ummm, this one's dirty. )

There was this really old guy at an old timers dance. It had been a long while since he'd had sex and, even though his hopes had him dancing with all the ladies all night, he still had'nt scored.

Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, " I'm having no luck scoring with a woman here tonight. How about coming back to my place for some real, old fashioned sex? I'll even give you $20! ". She says, " I'm willing. Let's go! ".

They get back to his place and, after a bit of foreplay, they head for the bedroom. He loves sex and can't get over how tight she is for a woman her age. He thinks she's got to be a virgin. After the wonderful performance, he rolls off her and says, " WOW lady, if I had known you were a virgin, I would have offered you fifty bucks! ". Surprised, she says, " If I had known you were actually going to get an erection, I would've taken my panty hose off! ".

...one more...

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was surely another and, stayed in bed.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarreah and, was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and proceeded to throw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was making his way down the sidewalk, by the hospital, and the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing and swiging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets a security guard, who had watched the incident, walked up and asked, " What was that all about? ".
Still staring down, the drunk replied, " I think I just beat the sh!t out of a ghost!! ".
********************************************
~ geminstone