posted January 24, 2007 05:37 PM         

Existance is beautiful.

Did you forget to watch It's a Wonderful Life this year?

Just stop, baby. You're going to have a child someday and OH the things you are going to teach that child. And the things he or she will teach you... If you can't wait, find a child to mentor. You just need to change your mind and set things into motion. There are a couple of azzholes in the spirit world sitting around betting each other that they can get you to give up life. Take your power back and show them how life is done.

I am crying. fine, is this the last time I get to talk to you or is it next time??????????????????????????????????? I guess I should just say goodbye now JUST IN ******* CASE
HO9W GODDAMED MOTHER *******

NOBLE
OF YOU

oK, Rosie asked me what's wrong and I told her Remember Steve? He says he doesn't want to live anymore. He says he wants to die. What should I do? She said Tell him no! She smiled and said four more times, Tell him no.
Then she got me tissues and then she said Listen Momma! I hear geese!
Now she is at the window and she says Look Momma! I have a surprise for you! Look at the snow.
Now, she said, Hey Momma... did you say No?
I said is there anything else I should say?
She said, you can say You Can't Die. Just say You Can't Die.
Now she wants Cinderella cocoa. She said, Why Don't You Go Hang Out With Me, My Girl? Cuz That Will Cheer You Up. You Can Spend Some Time With Me.
Fine, I'm going to have Cinderella cocoa. I can't do my Statistics homework now anyway.

Now she is singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, How I Wonder What You Are, over and
over.

posted January 25, 2007 02:19 AM         

Just think how beautiful life is. Is this world an illusion, maybe, but the world needs you. I understand that it can be very simple for others to simply say, "it's going to be ok, Steve..." without truly knowing your heart, your pain, your loneliness. I just want you to know that I appreciate your presence here; there is so much wisdom and beauty in your words and I know you'll come out of this one. As a Scorpio, I think this experience will make you stronger. Maybe a part of you is dying to make you wake up and realize how much more beauty there is out there.

Silverstone

------------------
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

posted January 25, 2007 02:24 AM         

quote:

---

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep

---

------------------
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

posted January 25, 2007 02:12 PM         

I am such a strange contradiction.
On the one hand, this stuff is intensely personal,
and, on the other, I have this compulsion
to share my inner life with the people
in my environment.
I go back and forth between saying too much,
and clamming up.... like a clam.

I myself do not know how serious my thoughts are.
Suicide has always fascinated me,
from an intellectual standpoint,
as well as on (what i would call) deeper levels.
Now, when I get depressed, there is no middleground, -
my mind goes straight to the contemplation of suicide.
I am not afraid to think about it,
and to imagine arguments for it,
as well as against it.

Anyway, I posted in that philosophy thread,
partly, so people would know i was alive,
and thinking about something other than suicide.

I've got rapid-cycling bi-polar...
If I don't like the world,
I've just got to wait a minute.
Thank you all for showing me some beauty
to help me through that otherwise interminable minute.

Thank you, Melody, for the link.
I will read what it says on that page.
I am grateful for the kindness you have shown me,
and the affection you have for me.
It is a blessing.
I like what you wrote about your little girl.
It was beautiful.

posted January 25, 2007 02:34 PM         

Yes, I believe, as many psychologists do,
that the suicidal tendency springs from
a frustrated desire for transformation.
I've been patient, and I am being patient,
but I have been trapped in this cocoon here,
with my demons, since I was 11.
That's 17 years.

Please, dont think that I do not try.

I am still trying.
I do have a lot of support,
and I am taking meds.
But putting up with bodily life is not easy for me.
Every day I wake up here,
if feels like an insult to my pride.
Whether it is a healthy or unhealthy pride,
I'm not sure anyone is in a position to judge.
I know I am a great spirit,
and I find that the act of settling
for life in this body is an insult and an indignity.

I know many people would have to suffer greatly
in order to be brought to the point of
serious reflection upon suicide.
I've always been different that way.
My standards are very high,
and it is enough for life to drop below them,
for me to wonder if it is worth all the fuss.

See, I never saw the point of being here,
so, often, the only reasons I have to stick around are
fear of the unknown (death)
and concern for those who care about me.
I have often compared my struggle
to that of a person who is determined
to settle in a foreign country,
or in a monastery,
where contact with family and friends
would be cut-off,
perhaps, for reasons people could understand and accept,
even though it would conflict with their own values.
If only they could understand,
and let me go;
go on missing me,
but, for God's sake,
respect my choice;
respect me for my differentness.

But it seems that nobody is willing to grant
that suicide may be as viable a path as any.
Unanimously, I am met with people who think
I must be mentally ill,
if I do not value life in this world, as they do.
What's the big deal anyway?

"All life is a dispute over taste and tasting...
There is my way and there is your way.
As for the right way, the correct way,
it does not exist." - Nietzsche

"MUCH madness is divinest sense,
To a discerning eye;
Much sense the starkest madness.
’Tis the majority
In this, as all, prevails;
Assent, and you are sane;
Demur,- you’re straightway dangerous,
And handled with a chain."
- Emily Dickinson

"Look on the bright side: suicide."
- Kurt Cobain

posted January 25, 2007 03:55 PM         

I would advise you to keep putting drops in your friend's wells. They are very deep wells, and, if they aren't "half-full" yet, it doesnt mean that you are accomplishing nothing. (People always give up on Scorpios, lol.) I'm not saying you need to go out of your way, but certainly dont bother to restrain yourself when you feel like offering praise. Just learn to expect that, on the surface, your words may appear to have no influence, and trust that we are all more than surface appearances.

Here is a moment out of my life,
which reflects some of your views:

I had one young man approach me in a bookstore while i was reading a book on the tarot. He asked if I believed in it, and I went on to explain to him that it was not an article of belief, but a pictoral language depicting the successive stages along the soul's journey. I could see he was very interested, in spite of himself. He asked me what I thought of Christianity. You should have seen his surprise when I responded so enthusiastically, "Christianity?! I LOVE Christianity!!!," and proceeded to speak with him about Jesus' teachings (as I understood them), making use of numerous bible references to make my case. He was a smart guy but I'm pretty sure I blew his mind. It is actually one of my favorite moments in my life. I really felt like I was on my path, you know? I was totally preaching in the middle of Barnes and freakin' Noble.. and I could see that other people were curious (but too shy and conservative to think about these things or join our conversation), so I kind of didnt lower my voice, as I usually would. I was so "ON" that day. In my element, you know what I mean? At one point, I interrupted him and asked him, point-blank, "Are you a Sagittarius?" and he did a double take, trying to continue with what he was saying. He said, "Yes," trying to brush it off. Later, I returned to it and asked him if he thought I just guessed that, despite having only a 1/12 chance (that is, if astrology is bunk), and he was like, "I dont know," and I totally wanted to be like, "No, you dont, do you?"

Anyway, my little story.
I dont get moments like that very often.
Thanks for listening.
And thank you for your kind and thoughtful words.

posted January 25, 2007 04:51 PM         

quote:

---

it seems to be a world of madness with no purpose, but in the total picture the madness was of so terrible a nature that those souls that came through it could not be anything but greater for it. the test of fire tempered them beyond all other experiences. from worlds in space there are souls who are actually crying to be born upon the earth. why should they renounce their celestial abodes for so violent and loathsome a world? because here alone can they achieve the lessons of spirit that such an evil world can give...

...the earth, because of this, is able in a short space of time to give qualities to spirit that would take many many lifetimes on other worlds to achieve. in fact, perhaps they could never achieve that particular experience.

the earth is a classroom for gods, but a strange classroom indeed! some of the people of the more magnificent worlds are actually envious...because they know that on earth, if you can combat such negativity you have to be a powerful spirit.

i am not complimenting the people of earth, but those who have undergone lifetime upon lifetime and still come back. there is no law that says we have ever to come back; we do it of our own choosing because we know that only here will we learn the lessons. we could stay in eternal paradise. we do not have to return to physical life. after all, we have all eternity to do it. yet remember that everything, negative and positive, is the Father. without the neativity he would not have existence. therefore he is both 'evil' and 'good', positive and negative, Mother-Father God.

---

from the Secret of the Andes
by Brother Philip

and while this is an instructional perspective, it is just a facet of a much greater complexity. for example, i do not consider the world a loathsome or evil place. but the idea that our being here is a privilege of spirit, is compelling.

we're here to learn about love.

i made a lexigram on forgiveness, and one of the messages was 'refine ego in fire'. this reflects the above statement that "the test of fire tempered them beyond all other experiences."

and isn't forgiveness learning how to love, both ourselves and others....?

posted January 25, 2007 05:10 PM         

Nobody heard him,
the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap,
he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

posted January 25, 2007 06:33 PM         

I think I have the solution!

I think you're a golden butterfly fish in a pond of guppies.

Try San Francisco, Manhattan, but I think you should really look into San Francisco.

The last time I was there I went into this blues club and this woman comes in off the street, in this wild wig as the Blues singer was on stage, and she just starts screaming and throwing up her hands, like she was being moved spiritually by the music. It was cool. But that's San Francisco. Everyone is just who they are.

You should think about it.

Be a Golden Butterfly in a pond of other exotic fish. And plenty of Golden Butterflies too!

posted January 25, 2007 07:27 PM         

I find myself wishing that some pursuit or raison-d’etre would inspire you, grab you around the neck and make off with you
It’s probably becoming tiresome reading “you’re an extraordinary writer, SC” from me every other post or so
I know for a certainty that you are meant to do something of importance to others. I get the feeling you are waiting; in a holding pattern that frustrates the daylights out of you, for that “mission” to reveal itself to you.

I hope you treasure that exultation you felt in B&N – I think you would have made a dam* good preacher!! Perhaps you *can* be a “preacher” and share your experience, strength and hope with others who are searching, seeking…..

Just wondering – have you looked at your Progressed chart lately??

posted January 26, 2007 12:56 AM         

Here we rise again*
Here we lie*
Hear our lies again*
Hear a lot*

You give, you give, you give, you get to me
Holy is the tide*, its such an easy way to go
You give, you give, you give, you get to me
Only circling the spirit of a maidenhead*

Here we rise again*
Here we lie*
Hear our lies again*
Hear a lot*

You're lonely!

Waste your time by saving one more skull and bones*
Kill a politician and then wear his clothes
This decade is the age of rehashing
Protest and then go to jail for trespassing

Here we rise again*
Here we lie*
Hear our lies again*
Hear a lot*

((the true lyrics to this song are not public record,
but i have interpreted them as best I could.
The asterisks signify lines I probably invented myself, lol.))

posted January 26, 2007 03:08 AM         

I just wrote a huge response and it got vaporized.
F-- it.

posted February 01, 2007 08:21 AM         

Hope you aint tempted to "throw" the wife

posted February 07, 2007 09:34 AM         

She sounds like a woman after me own heart

That Irish Witch sounds like something else lol

Where did you meet her?