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Author
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Topic: I'm Sorry
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Heart--Shaped Cross
Knowflake Posts: 7178
From: 11/6/78 11:38am Boston, MA
Registered: Aug 2004
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posted March 21, 2007 06:10 PM
 
I'm sorry for being cruel to people here.A friend of mine wrote to me and explained some things which nobody had been able to get through to me. I wish i could repost her email to me here. Maybe she will let me when i ask her. In the meantime, this is what i just wrote to her:
I dont know what to say.
I am going through so much.
I'm not saying you cant understand.
I dont understand it.
Thank you for saying all these things,
and trying to knock some sensitivity into me.
I know I've been going too far.
I'm not sure how "too far" I've gone.
I try to think in terms of history,
not in terms of the momentary pains we feel.
But then I think, is there only this moment?
I'm really really really confused.
Maybe I should write and post an apology to everyone.
They will descend on me like vultures,
but that's okay, I guess.
Please dont be mad at me.
Now I'm crying.
This has been so hard for me.
I feel like I have felt the pain that I am inflicting on others,
and I endured it, and continued to inflict it,
because i felt so inspired to speak "truth".
I'm so confused.
I'm possessed or something.
It comes and goes.
It doesnt feel like me.
It doesnt feel like my mars and mercury (personal planets)
but like pluto and uranus .....
Yes, i need neptune now very badly.
I dont know what else to say.
I'm sorry.
I'll try to think AND FEEL clearly about this
and make some kind of apology.
I just hope people understand it
and dont see it as weakness,
or overlook what i was trying to do,
and maybe even the good i might have accomplished
in the midst of all that brutality.
Did I accomplish any good at all?
love
IP: Logged |
lotusheartone
Knowflake Posts: 238
From: MOther & Father GOd
Registered: Feb 2008
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posted March 21, 2007 06:12 PM
Now you did! LOve you, Stephen Great Work!  IP: Logged |
lalalinda
Moderator Posts: 3291
From: nevada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted March 21, 2007 06:17 PM
IP: Logged |
mezzoelf1
Knowflake Posts: 119
From:
Registered: Jan 2007
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posted March 21, 2007 06:19 PM
don't apologise for being you.don't forget we respect and love you. don't let your spirit be troubled. do have a long, hot bath. xxx hugs IP: Logged |
BlueRoamer
Knowflake Posts: 3944
From: Calm Blue Ocean, Calm Blue Ocean
Registered: Jun 2003
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posted March 21, 2007 06:19 PM
 What if God is Suffering?I'm going to repost what I posted on the other thread. "'m glad you can see how hard I try to control my darkside.
Sometimes it trickles out, here and there, all over these forums.
Sometimes it spills." I know only too well what you are talking about, having had a close relationship with several scorpios. That dark side is always bubbling underneath, it is a volcanic, and even demonic force at times, but it is beautiful in its depth and power. Sometimes its ok not to control it, sometimes by acknowledging it and allowing it to surface, into the conscious, this energy can be integrated. This is how the eagle rises, he allows this energy to rise and be free, and then she transmutes it into love, compassion, and good works. Scorpio, like taurus, has a tremendous supply of energy to work, and they do benefit from a lot of it. Was it Nietczhe who said that all we need is work and love? IP: Logged |
AcousticGod
Knowflake Posts: 11943
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005
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posted March 21, 2007 06:23 PM
Stephen,This is at least the third surprise I've witnessed from you today, and the second good one. I'm impressed! Transitting Saturn, Mars, and Neptune are all in hard aspect to your Uranus. tJupiter's very near conjunct your Neptune as well. IP: Logged |
alchemiest
Knowflake Posts: 699
From: Somewhere over the rainbow
Registered: Sep 2003
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posted March 21, 2007 06:25 PM
Feel better soon!
Here is a big, warm (((((((hug)))))) for you. IP: Logged |
fayte.m
Knowflake Posts: 9809
From: Still out looking for Schrödinger's cat. fayte1954@hotmail.com
Registered: Mar 2005
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posted March 21, 2007 06:30 PM
Stephen
A SINCERE apology is precious.
Sincere and not simply a passing mood. 
------------------
~Judgement Must Be Balanced With Compassion~
~Do Not Seek Wealth From The Suffering, Or The Dire Needs Of Others~
~Assumption Is The Bane Of Understanding~
}><}}}(*> <*){{{><{
~~~ ~~ ~~~~ ~~~ ~~
~~~~~ ~~~ ~~~~ ~~~IP: Logged |
Heart--Shaped Cross
Knowflake Posts: 7178
From: 11/6/78 11:38am Boston, MA
Registered: Aug 2004
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posted March 21, 2007 06:31 PM
I appreciate all of your words so much.I dont want to draw this out much longer.
There are a lot of people here who deserve your attention.
love,
Stephen
AG,
Mars AND Chiron are squaring my Stellium from the 1st house.  IP: Logged |
AcousticGod
Knowflake Posts: 11943
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005
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posted March 21, 2007 06:43 PM
tNeptune's only a 4 degree orb from a perfect square to your natal Uranus. tUranus is also squaring your natal Neptune.IP: Logged |
Dulce Luna
Knowflake Posts: 4598
From: The Asylum
Registered: Mar 2006
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posted March 21, 2007 07:41 PM
(((Hugs)))  IP: Logged |
naiad
Knowflake Posts: 1645
From:
Registered: Sep 2006
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posted March 21, 2007 10:03 PM
dear HSC ~you are a good, noble, fine man. you are not weak...and what you may consider weakness, well, in that is even more strength. thank you for sharing your spirit here. love is where it's at...don't you know... IP: Logged |
Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 6485
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004
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posted March 21, 2007 10:28 PM
HSC ~ there's nothing I can add to the previous, so.... Zala IP: Logged |
Solane Star
Knowflake Posts: 5378
From: Ontario, Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted March 22, 2007 12:11 AM
Reflections on effort The anxious student asked the Zen master how long to enlightenment. The Zen Master answered a long time, at least 10 years. The student said, "Well I will work twice as hard." The Zen master said, "Then it will take 20 years." "No!" said the committed student, "I will work three times as hard." "Well then," said the Zen master, "it will take 30 years." Do you need to work at being spiritual? No. You already are spiritual. Do you need to work at being human? No. That’s just who you are. The spiritual path doesn’t require us to get anything. It’s a process of opening to new dimensions of who we already are. It’s a process of awakening to our own truth. It’s a process of allowing ourselves to be authentic. "It is not by your actions that you will be saved, but by your being." -- Meister Eckhart "People ask what must they become to be loving. The answer is ‘nothing.’ It is a process of letting go of what you thought you had become and allowing your true nature to float to the surface naturally." -- Stephen Levine IP: Logged |
Solane Star
Knowflake Posts: 5378
From: Ontario, Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted March 22, 2007 12:14 AM
Journey home"Everything seeks its source." -- a universal principle Our spiritual journey unfolds through 2 stages. 1. THE PATH OF PERSONALITY - We arise from the one source of all, to be born as individuals in a world of form. In this physical world, we experience separation and limitation. This is a time of immersion in a world of effects, form, ego, distortion, illusion and pain. 2. THE PATH OF SOUL - When we have experienced enough pain, we find our way back home to our spiritual source. We let go of the illusion of separation to embrace unity and wholeness. We work with cause instead of effects. Paradoxically, it's only with a strong and healthy personality that we become capable of expressing soul. WHERE ARE YOU ON YOUR PATH? Are you struggling to do more and have more? Are you aware of your soul challenging you to open to the bigger picture of life? "Two people have been living in you all your life. One is the ego, garrulous, demanding, hysterical, calculating; the other is the hidden spiritual being, whose still voice of wisdom you have only rarely heard or attended to - you have uncovered in yourself your own wise guide." -- Sogyal Rinpoche Watch yourself shift from the self-centred, controlling behaviours of the ego to the power, love and wisdom of the soul with our Grow Yourself Program.
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D for Defiant
Knowflake Posts: 1325
From:
Registered: May 2006
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posted March 22, 2007 03:55 AM
It's always easier said than done, but-Try. Take it easy, Steve. Don't be too hard on yourself. You know? None of us have to be "strong" all the time. We can allow ourselves to be "a little weaker" from time to time. Weaknesses are not necessary a vice; instead, they may teach us something and end up our very saving grace ------------------
"Money is temporary, happiness is forever."
Some solar Piscean guy, Aotearoa, winter 2002 IP: Logged |
Heart--Shaped Cross
Knowflake Posts: 7178
From: 11/6/78 11:38am Boston, MA
Registered: Aug 2004
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posted March 22, 2007 01:22 PM
IP: Logged |
Bluemoon
Knowflake Posts: 4456
From: Stafford, VA USA
Registered: Feb 2005
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posted March 22, 2007 02:09 PM
{{{{{Steve}}}}}IP: Logged |
noreenz
Knowflake Posts: 1229
From: No.CAL
Registered: Feb 2004
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posted March 22, 2007 02:27 PM
quote:
Did I accomplish any good at all?
...Absolutely, very much so, you always do.You are so Scorpionic, lol....twas your choice, lol Hugs to you.
Noreen IP: Logged |
thirteen
Knowflake Posts: 1107
From: Rochester Hills, MI USA
Registered: May 2004
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posted March 22, 2007 02:33 PM
very cool! IP: Logged |
key
Knowflake Posts: 313
From: USA
Registered: Jun 2002
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posted March 22, 2007 02:40 PM
Don't think about any of this stuff that upsets you again. You just contribute more here. That's all. The more you write, the more opinions you have - the more the chances increase that you are going to hear from people who are offended, disagree with you, are hurt, etc. Just normal. Don't take it personally. It is just the odds.IP: Logged |
Xena
Moderator Posts: 398
From: UK
Registered: Jun 2006
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posted March 22, 2007 04:42 PM
Well, you may, or may not, have *bite*, Steve. But that's OK.  Love, Xena IP: Logged |
castlegirl
Knowflake Posts: 122
From: croatia
Registered: Jan 2007
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posted March 22, 2007 06:39 PM
Stephen IP: Logged |
Heart--Shaped Cross
Knowflake Posts: 7178
From: 11/6/78 11:38am Boston, MA
Registered: Aug 2004
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posted March 22, 2007 08:01 PM
key,It had more to do with how i was expressing myself than what i was expressing. IP: Logged |
Heart--Shaped Cross
Knowflake Posts: 7178
From: 11/6/78 11:38am Boston, MA
Registered: Aug 2004
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posted March 22, 2007 08:09 PM
If anyone thinks this is not a big deal, you are wrong. I became a monster. The internet is dangerous. In real life, someone could have just punched me in the face, or i would have seen peoples reactions and been mortified with myself, but i'm a f*cking idiot and clearly not even aware of people except as ideas and guineau pigs to use in my f*cked up experiments. but there are highly sensitive people here, and it is not unthinkable that i could have pushed one of them over the edge and been responsible for somebody's suicide, then you would not be so quick to forgive me. be afraid, be very afraid, i am not stable, i am not well, i am trying very hard to stay stephen. i cant even walk away from these boards, im addicted, maybe randall should boot me?????? i am scared of myself. i think about cutting out my tongue and lopping off my fingers so i cant speak or type hurtful things when i get crazy. yeah yeah yeah save the drama for your mama.. its all drama until somebody drives into a tree...
IP: Logged |
Lindaland
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