posted April 13, 2007 08:51 PM
For the most part, not counting when I do something to confront someone, I don't get bothered by time wasters and even the violent. I'm not sure what it is, if it's the way I stand, the way I carry myself, and/or my aura or what. I'm aware that multiple studies show that violent career criminals tend to pick a certain kind of people but even they aren't sure what it is, they just instinctively know. I find that interesting because of 3 particular instances. One was when a carload of men intentionally tried to run me over (or at least intentionally made me jump out of the street) and then taunted me as they passed. They felt predatory to me and I was certain that if I ran, they'd chase me. I think they bumped me like a shark and then kept going, looking for someone else. Another did attack me, but he was a sheltered teen that I'd guess had just graduated from high school, so he could hardly have had his instincts honed (that, and my borrowed DeadHead clothes probably marked me as a stoner pacifist to him). And a major bully to others was more cautious with me, testing me, and even calling the cops to shake me down for a gun, before he upped the aggression against me, treating me as he did all women that he wasn't scared of (don't worry, he paid in spades for that, and he never bothered me again--and the 2 cops seemed annoyed with him, too, like they knew him and didn't like him).
But usually, as long as I don't actually confront someone (like when I foolishly tried talking sense into a violent sociopath/righteous would-be slayer of God scaring friends of mine) I'm left alone. Granted, I sometimes change directions, like when I'm walking home and I sense some "bad vibes" off some people, I'll veer off around them, but for the most part, I go about my biz and I'm left alone.
As just one example, I was once browsing the new age section at a bookstore and a man and woman there ignored me. Then another woman came and started browsing. She was obviously older & bigger than me, looked obviously better off financially than me (unless all she wore was on credit), and overall more respectable than me. Yet as soon as she pulled a book off the shelf, the 2 haunting the aisle instantly began talking to her about Jesus and the evils of the new age. She quickly left and the 2 went back to haunting mode, ignoring me again (I vaguely recall hoping they'd do that with me so that I could play with their heads some). I left a little later and told the cashierist about it on my way out, but didn't really care about them (though I disliked that they chased a browser away), and I was like invisible to them.
One that more quickly comes to mind was back when I used to ride the public bus. These 2 guys were bullies to many people, just popping an attitude, pushing past them, etc. But I was one of those invisible to them and they never acknowledged my existence. But one day I got sick and yet I just HAD to do some errands. So, feeling a little guilty and self-conscious, I went out to catch the bus. As I waited for everyone to get off so that I could get on, those 2 guys got out and SHOVED me as they went past. I sighed irritably, but got on. I didn't have the energy to deal with them other than to mention it briefly to the driver as I got on. But a few days later, feeling all better, when I rode the bus they were still there and I was again invisible to them as usual.
What was the difference? I was sick when I became someone they could bully. I believe I looked to the ground more, trying to hide my face, and because of that I was also slower and less aware of my surroundings. Maybe the way I stood and moved was different, too. Whatever the difference was, I had blipped on their radar as someone to treat like crap while I was sick and ONLY while I was sick.
There WAS a time I got bothered by panhandlers and such, but that was before I decided to shut them out. For the most part, I carried change in my pockets and/or my "decoy purse" (keeping my important stuff in a belt pouch) that I'd typically give to street entertainers, but sometimes to panhandlers. But I guess word got out I was soft and more came up for free money. Not only that, but they were pretty disrespectful. Like once when I was loaded down and walking with groceries, a bum sitting on a bench called me over. I thought maybe he needed help so I changed direction and went. And then he casually asked me for spare change. Like did he really expect me to put all my groceries down and give him money? His audacity amazed and angered me and I told him off instead. ******* didn't even offer to help me carry them (had he done so, I'd have accepted his help and paid him very generously when we got close to my home--I'd have paid him and sent him on his way before I actually made it home though).
The part that really sticks with me was when I gave a dollar to some panhandler not long after the bum on the bench called me over. He looked at me reproachfully and said in a whining tone, "I was hoping for a five."
This made me angry, his attitude that I OWED it to him and HOW DARE I "hold back" on him, that caused something to snap inside. I sharply told him, "I'm sure by now you're used to disappointment." Then, as he expression went from reproachful to angry, I adjusted my stance to prepare for an attack. To my surprise, I found I WANTED him to attack. He was bigger than me, but I was certain I'd take him down in mere seconds, given how ruthlessly brutal (and trained) I happened to be. And then I could take my dollar back, and even if he were seriously injured he'd have to find someone other than me to help him (and all things considered, I shouldn't even have to worry about the cops avenging him). But I guess he sensed something because he turned away from me and walked quickly away. "You're welcome," I shouted at his back, but he kept going.
After that, I made it a policy to NEVER give to panhandlers. Those who do something for me, like entertain me or help me, I'll still give to, but not some bum asking for "spare change." I DID offer to give some food to someone who said she was starving, but she refused it (obviously, at least to me who HAS found myself homeless and hungry, she wasn't starving, at least not for food). And a friend of mine got attacked when she offered food to a guy with a "will work for food" sign. So I just cut them all the way off. And word got around I guess as they left me alone like all the other time wasters and leeches. (And interesting enough, I used to get bothered by people in the library who wanted me to act as their personal librarian after the real librarians stopped helping them, too, but after I decided NO MORE, the harassment there has virtually ceased. I'm not sure why.)
Anyway, today I'm feeling a little under the weather. I may be fighting off the flu, but I'm not really sure. For the most part, I just feel low on energy and a little depressed. And I had to go do some errands. The jeep wasn't here and I didn't feel like biking or anything, so I walked. And, for the first time in a long while, I was panhandled 3 TIMES for spare change in like the hour I was out. Coincidence? I think not. It's not that they weren't out there before, because I've see them panhandling from others and ignoring me plenty of times before, but today I blipped on their radar as someone they could harass. I wonder why?
If I could bottle whatever it was that normally keeps me invisible to these people and sell it, I'm sure I could get very rich! 8) AND I could put some on me on days like this, too... :P
Lindaland
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posted April 13, 2007 08:51 PM
posted April 13, 2007 09:50 PM