posted June 28, 2007 01:43 AM         

yes, LindaLand, I have cancer.

Or- I am not sure what tense to use- I HAD cancer....

Here's the story, and I will try to NOT make it sound like a high school biology class.

Before Dr. Surgeon can say "Let's look at your path report" I sneak a glance at the paper and the first word I see is CARCINOMA.

No way- seriously?

okay... so the 4 cm tumor totally encapsulated whatever weird mutant kudzu-esque cells that are cancer.

There's nothing IN my thyroid.
There's nothing IN my isthmus.
There's nothing IN my lymph nodes.
There's nothing IN my blood.

So, I am fine. I guess.
There is a small chance another tumor could start in what's left of my thyroid. So the surgeon wants another surgery, and then a treatment called RAI which is radioactive iodine to kill any remnants of thyroid tissue.

We are talking very very small chance, and my "survival rate is nearly 100%."

Its the "good" cancer- I don't even need chemo!

I don't know what I am going to do- nothing at the moment. This took a decade to develop, so its not like I have to do something next week.
I am going to see an endo first.

This is so strange. I am fine, really, I am- that's not denial nor shock. In fact, I feel great- better than I have in years. I never realized I was carrying this low frequency tension all these years- a low hum of fatalism.

Its gone now. Even the awareness that I have/had cancer hasn't brought it back.

the question now is- how much risk am I willing to live with?

posted June 28, 2007 02:59 AM         

I am sorry about the ordeal you went through and what you learned. I am glad that you have a very slim chance of having anything return.

As to you questions, I suppose it centers around the quality of life of choosing treatment over non-treatment. I am not sure what I would do in your position, with the exception of getting another opinion and researching everything there is about the procedure.

pidaua

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posted June 28, 2007 07:56 AM         

Get lots of rest and try not to think about it. Sometimes, a positive mental attitude is just what is needed when the body is recovering.

Best wishes,

posted June 28, 2007 02:39 PM         

Glad to hear it is turned out alright for you. It's good that you did have the procedure done so that you found out before it had a chance to get along any further.

Love to you.
GG

posted June 28, 2007 07:55 PM         

But it is good news that it is the "good" cancer and your prognosis is 100%. Sorry that you have to go through more surgery but happy that you won't need chemo. That is so harsh on the body!

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Your attitude about life and everything you go through is so very admirable.

posted June 29, 2007 12:32 PM         

I realize that I am fortunate in that this is something that can be treated. Many many people become devastatingly ill from cancer, so I don't want to be flippant and say "well, I have cancer, no big deal" because I watched 2 grandparents die horribly from cancers.

yet, I am the type of person who hates artificial cheeriness and forced optimism. So I hope no one thinks its strange when I post about about it in my typical sarcastic fashion.

Oddly enough- and I never thought I would react this way- it DOES put things in perspective. I always thought it was bullsh!t when people would get sick and then say "I value every day now! Life is precious!" yadda yadda.

I have always known that was true, just never felt it. I spent my 20s hating my life, wanting to die, and my biggest fear with this was that now that I was cool with life, I would lose it. I am not going to die, but this certainly is a wake up call to get it together, so to speak.

Having a bad hair day doesn't seem like a big deal anymore. Nor does hating myself for the way I look or the fact i am single- all those things we let ourselves get dragged down by.

And now I have an automatic addition for a kicka$$ Halloween costume!!!!

posted July 03, 2007 01:54 AM         

may I ask, what kind of treatments? Not that I want to be nosy, nor ask you to be nosy with your friend... but was she doing RAI? Was it thyroid cancer?

Go figure, I am a little curious.. can't imagine why.

Maybe she is craving root veggies???

I must admit, I jumped on the self pity train a couple of days ago. Maybe it was just sheer exhaustion (I have put about 1800 miles on my car in 10 days, what with my mom coming out and the fact that all this doctor stuff requires me to drive THREE AND A HALF HOURS TO THE NEAREST TOWN!)
and the fact that well, yeah, I have cancer.

At the least its going to be a HUGE pain in the a$$... and at worst, well- I don't need to even say it, do I...

It feels a little like karmic retribution. yeah, sure, maybe it doesn't work that way- and maybe it does. I do feel like this was supposed to happen, and I can't wholely surrender to the fact that I can't CONTROL this.

and, to be honest-

even with the lovely support here..
even with the support of co-workers where I live...

i feel really, totally, f*cking alone.

even more than I did before. Before I was a single semi professional in control of her life. Now I feel broken.

not shattered, just damaged.

stupid, eh?

posted July 04, 2007 02:32 AM         

I just went outside and looked at the moon.

Its waning, but the skies are clear and i live next to the largest inland lake at 6000 feet in the world. It was beautiful. I thought of the fact that someone whom I have never met is thinking of me, and it gave me comfort.

Thank you.

'Zala~

for whatever reason- maybe because I love names that start with "A"~ just seeing your name gives me peace. I am the type of person that needs to be told its ok to ask for help.

Thank you for your kind words.

sunshine~

I have always been a person obsessed with the idea of "perfect health." Must the Virgo in me. I want to think of this situation not as a bad thing, but more as the Universe telling me I can put my knowledge of health to task. Here is my chance to prove that good thoughts, good food, and listening to the intuition of the body can heal.

Thank you for reminding me.

And to all- and this is really hard for me to say, for I pride myself on never needing support, on being independent- thank you for caring about a random name on a random transmission of data.

I love the world, but always have felt that I am unlovable. Thank you for making me feel that in a small way, I am loved too,