posted July 02, 2007 12:55 AM         

I would like to say something.
I haven't known whether to or not. Not wanting to bring further attention, but it didn't feel right to leave it as it was and the thread was closed, so I couldn't clear things at the time, so well...

It was brought up in the mayhem that I was suicidal and that the last big drama here was the cause. That's not true.
What I was going through was much more complicated than that, began a couple of weeks prior to that time, and there was no single incident or single person who could be the cause. There are many layers, going back in time. Although what happened didn't help, it wasn't a direct cause.

I'm fine...I'm very embarrassed that something so personal of my soul was exposed here. (again) I know there are many beautiful people here who would be understanding and kind, it's not that I doubt that. It was just something so bare that I hoped to keep to myself. It's not something I can find words for at times and opening, while it seems to help most people, is more harmful to me than good.
I get most healing from being introspective and off to myself.

On principle, and in good conscience I didn't feel right about leaving it represented as a possibility of being something different then it was.

Mom (Mirandee), I understand your intention was of care and wanting to help and from your perspective things might have seemed different than knowing all that was going on internally with me. You were under great stress and doing your best. You're doing a wonderful job as moderator and I'm very proud of your compassion, calm and fairness. (Zala too)

I used to always think of this place as a sanctuary, and sometimes lately I wonder if something innocent hasn't been lost.
I don't think innocence ever is really lost...but sometimes it needs stillness to remember.
To everything there is a season...sometimes a season to pull away and follow a different, more quiet and gentle way for a while.
Thanks for any understanding.

posted July 02, 2007 03:38 AM         

You are not starting it all up again so don't worry about that.

This has been bothering you and I'm glad that you explained it. I guess that it could be misconstrued to make you look like you are a suicidal basket case but anyone who knows you knows that is far from the truth. You have been through an awful lot in the past couple of years yet it all just served to make you stronger.

It was a poor choice of words on my part and I used that term because HSC was threatening suicide. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry. I do know how much you value your privacy. Had I not been emotionally drained by that point after two days dealing with the dramas on the board here I would have been more clear headed in my choice of words and how I was phrasing things.

People who know you know better. Same with me. So I am not all that concerned with what other people may think about me who don't even know me. Yet on forums like LL all people have to go on are their own perceptions. It's kind of like an accident scene. Police say they don't really take any creedence in eye witness accounts of accident scenes because no one sees it the same way. Same with things that happen at LL.

posted July 02, 2007 04:24 AM         

"Be mindful of how you approach time. Watching the clock is not the same as watching the sun rise."

-- Sophia Bedford-Pierce

What would your soul consider a waste of time?

To a soul, the only real time is right NOW. Not the future or the past. It lives in connecting deeply with the rich experience of each moment. Through awareness we can be in touch with our authentic self and how it perceives all of the energies and guidance around and within us.

"Chronos is clocks, deadlines, watches, calendars, agendas, planners, schedules, beepers. Chronos is time at her worst. Chronos keeps track. ...Chronos is the world's time. Kairos is transcendence, infinity, reverence, joy, passion, love, the Sacred. Kairos is intimacy with the Real. Kairos is time at her best. ...Kairos is Spirit's time. We exist in chronos. We long for kairos. That's our duality. Chronos requires speed so that it won't be wasted. Kairos requires space so that it might be savored. We do in chronos. In kairos we're allowed to be ... It takes only a moment to cross over from chronos into kairos, but it does take a moment. All that kairos asks is our willingness to stop running long enough to hear the music of the spheres."

-- Sarah Ban Breathnach

"He who postpones the hour of living rightly is like the rustic who waits for the river to run out before he crosses."

-- Horace

posted July 02, 2007 06:01 AM         

I think it is always important to remember that we all do at times. We are NOT invincible. Look at celebrities- what they go through- in an out of rehab. Vulnerability should be nothing to be ashamed of. It is merely a fact of life. However, the world is not so sensitive. It is full of people who are not playing the role, or have not brought it on themselves to become 'poignantly aware'.

And, like BlueRoamer said in another thread, the world needs more people like this to speak out right now. We must be strong Or try to be

The energy of LL may contain negativity just as it does positivity....It is so easy to get hurt by the negativity even though the good outweighs the bad (in my opinion)....Or perhaps the two are just equally balanced? I dunno. But I do think it is necessary for both elements to allow growth and spiritual development. Why deny ourselves of the beauty just because of the ugly? Remove them both and what are we left with? These are just things I think about a lot.....

I'm still trying to learn how to turn 'gladness into sadness'.

posted July 02, 2007 06:08 AM         

quote:

---

I keep having dreams lately where I'm on a journey, sometimes in car, sometimes in boat, but the vehicle always goes out of control...it's going to fast, its out of control

---

posted July 02, 2007 06:15 AM         

quote:

---

wow, sag's ARE the polar opposites of gemini's then.

---

My brother-in-law and I have no idea why or how we get along so well, but we do, though we often find ourself on two extreme ends in most cases.

posted July 02, 2007 10:12 PM         

I tell some things about myself on public forums but I don't tell everything that bothers me or upsets me. I kind of feel that I would be burdening others with my problems when they have enough of their own to deal with. I confide in my husband, my family and trusted friends. Luckily I am blessed to have a few trusted friends around LL who know how truly weird I am.

posted July 03, 2007 03:00 AM         

thank you.

LL's been going in and out
tonight.
The browser's saying "gateway time-out"...anyone else?

I'll write more when I'm more sure
it will post.

BR, I knew you knew,
and I knew--or sensed something--
a silent mutual understanding
(your karmic justice thread)
I also knew, like me,
you wouldn't outright say.

Talking with you
meant a lot to me in that moment
of time,
hence my reaction
when the thread was closed.

Mom, LTT, Solane, Sattvic, AG, ILWL, BR, Silver ~
you're all extrordinary people I'm blessed to know.

posted July 03, 2007 03:43 AM         

Lisa....

Actually, I admire your honesty and bravery-- I always have admired that about Sagi's... I think that applies to BlueRoamer, as well!

posted July 03, 2007 11:23 AM         

I kept getting an Internet Explorer message saying the site could not be accessed.