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Author
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Topic: What I'm doing
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samsara
Knowflake Posts: 63
From: portland,or,usa
Registered: Apr 2007
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posted July 26, 2007 11:52 PM
 
Also ,
I honestly hope she finds finds someone to love. Maybe he'll do the terrible things to her she's done tom me. Becuas ebehind every good sadist is a slobering masochist ,which I have no doubt she is under the right circumstances. Or maybe she find anothere stupid fu888ng idot like me who she can spit on for eight years and they'll both be very happy. I'd have to be retarded to want this to go on.Ionly hope she does find someone else to BOTHER the shi0 out of and maybe I'll have 5 mins of peace in my ,life.OKIP: Logged |
samsara
Knowflake Posts: 63
From: portland,or,usa
Registered: Apr 2007
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posted July 26, 2007 11:56 PM
Not baiting me? Oh really. You won't be back? right.
Ya ,lots of love to you too.IP: Logged |
samsara
Knowflake Posts: 63
From: portland,or,usa
Registered: Apr 2007
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posted July 27, 2007 12:02 AM
Does anyone know where they're holding the fool of the century awards? I don't want to be late.Thanks Lotus for getting me all upset. What a pal.Why am I still doing this to myself? I need serious help. Sorry everyone for my outburst. I don't like to loose control and I apologise for my simulated bad language. I just have to remove myself from all this. Every time something like this happens I see how dysfunctional I am . What a mess indeed. IP: Logged |
naiad
Knowflake Posts: 1645
From:
Registered: Sep 2006
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posted July 27, 2007 12:54 AM
 love and blessings and peace to you Samsara.  IP: Logged |
lalalinda
Moderator Posts: 3291
From: nevada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted July 27, 2007 07:37 AM
IP: Logged |
Highly_Inflammable
Knowflake Posts: 330
From: some where far and forgotten
Registered: Apr 2007
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posted July 27, 2007 12:14 PM
Sam honey,if you think I am gonna read the chapter you wrote, then you should think again.. I have no intention and even lesser wish to continue debating and to find this beloved thread reaching post # 259 and the page # 34... I want pie charts, bullet points if ever, no essays,,, It is no point-counter point argument. I think you are overly dramatic and looking for people's opinion and validation perhaps.. that is the whole point. after saying it once, there is no point in prolonging this.... yeah,, *shruggs* .........
so honey, take care and stay away from theatrics.. and rest its YOUR LIFE... ENJOY..  .........
PS:: subjective is when some one is answering you in person............ contrary to objective when some one is replying to a situation that can occur to anyone,, I meant I am replying to situation/ scenario.. not necessarily you.. could be anyone. .....
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Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 6485
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004
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posted July 27, 2007 12:42 PM
samsara ~I've been getting more and more curious about why you are posting this saga at a message board and laying out your analyses, ultimatums and terms *here*, instead of in an email/letter to your penpal. I want to understand how someone who is not even physically in your life could "sh!t all over you"..... and for 8 years?? Are you really expecting this girl to change?? "Wake up and smell the coffee or I'm gone" is what it sounds like to me, and I for one would probably not react positively to that. Do you think you have the power to force her to "see the light" and "mend her ways"?? If you're not getting what you want from this friendship, then say sayonara and move on. This seems like picking at a scab for 30 days when you give her some kind of time limit to shape up or you ship out. Just accept that you and she do not mesh and your values are not in sync, and cut the ties. Say goodbye and change your email -- threats and deadlines smack of manipulation more than a true quest for understanding or plea for better behavior, imho..... The long-drawn-out analysis was probably a good thing for YOU, to firm up what you know and what you want, but why here?? Did you want our help, our insights?? **edited** quote:
Thanks Lotus for getting me all upset. What a pal.
Why are you blaming Lotus for YOUR reactions??  Why are you guilt-tripping her because YOU responded to her comments in a negative way??IP: Logged |
naiad
Knowflake Posts: 1645
From:
Registered: Sep 2006
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posted July 27, 2007 11:48 PM
sometimes people who are in pain are just looking for a way to connect...in whatever way seems most plausible at the time. some are better at expressing it, and finding applicable ways and means, than others. the manner in which we go about this, may not be the same as someone else might choose. we all have our flaws, and are far from perfect.i think it's ok to have some compassion for others and their processes, even if they might not be the same as our own, and even when we might not entirely approve. there's a lot of personal stuff floating around this website, in all manner of shape and form. if Samsara finds solace in connecting here, in a public place, then it seems a kind thing to grant that. when someone is experiencing a level of pain of some sort, the clarity that he or she is seeking may not be available, to confrom to the judgments of others. perhaps this site could be a gentle place for people to find that.....some compassion, kindness and connection, without the necessity of having the strength of goliath and a stiff upper lip.
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Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 6485
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004
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posted July 28, 2007 03:46 PM
I hear you naiad -- you are such a kind and compassionate spirit  Perhaps there's a bit of the psychologist in me (Merc in Scorp) that wants to help people get to the bottom of why they do what they do, to point out behavior they may not have explored, to enable them to make healthier choices for themselves -- hence my (pointed) questions..... I know it's a lot easier for me to write "say sayonara and move on" than the actual doing thereof on samsara's part -- but he did say that he needed a rigid structure and a plan..... K'Z IP: Logged |
naiad
Knowflake Posts: 1645
From:
Registered: Sep 2006
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posted July 28, 2007 04:28 PM
that's sweet of you Azala, and kindhearted to help people in that manner.sometimes in friendships though, i think, it's not always about getting what we want from the relationship. it's the interaction between two souls....of course there are those relationships that are not always the best for our good health....but i suppose we learn, through these relationships, how to develop healthy ones. one would hope, anyway. IP: Logged |
aqua inferno
Knowflake Posts: 1106
From: hopping about Europe
Registered: Oct 2006
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posted July 28, 2007 05:50 PM
quote:
what a dramatic streak you have..
putting up your email and all this.. you do not want it to end, you just want to put more logs in the fire..
MOVE ON if you feel or decide.. There is no need for this act.
How freakkin' rude!! This person is opening up and you hack away at what's exposed? If you got nothing nice to say don't say anything at all - buddha said that to some extent. Peace  ------------------
I wish,I wish, I was a fish
- oh wait...I am IP: Logged |
fayte.m
Knowflake Posts: 9809
From: Still out looking for Schrödinger's cat. fayte1954@hotmail.com
Registered: Mar 2005
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posted July 28, 2007 07:16 PM
In these situations I prefer to hear both sides not just one person's side. How can anyone truly assess the situation from one side being told?
Its the same thing I have seen with folks asking for light because someone is being mean to them or ignoring aging parents or whatever.
What if the other party is not guilty?
To me that is akin to sending light or giving advice to someone on their word, helping them perhaps harm another in some way, who may or may not be guilty of the things stated.
On the internet we cannot tell who is who easily let alone make an easy judgment based on a one sided telling of events.
Samsara I wish you well, but I have no advice except to agree with Zala and Lotus. It seems you really do not know that person very well.
And it gives you more unhappiness than joy. Its been eight years, it is doubtful things will ever change with the other person.
Good luck.------------------
~Judgement Must Be Balanced With Compassion~
~Do Not Seek Wealth From The Suffering, Or The Dire Needs Of Others~
~Assumption Is The Bane Of Understanding~
~ if you keep doing what you did, you'll keep getting what you got.~
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samsara
Knowflake Posts: 63
From: portland,or,usa
Registered: Apr 2007
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posted July 28, 2007 07:59 PM
Hi Everyone, Thank you all for your replies the kind and even the not so kind ones.I guess when you put your life up in front of the world you have to take what you get.Today's the last day I'm ever going to post here again. So there's no time for anything but love.
I wish I could have gotten to know all of you. I'm sure you all have great wisdom to share. You were all helpful to me in your own ways. So thank you all so much.
I think I'm going to take Zala's advice and let this all go today. Why prolong things? I guess it's just time.It's probably better fo rher too. If she gives me a sign that she wants me to stick to my scheduele I will. But barring that i will just let it go today.
I'd like not to get into the personal stuff here anymore. I'm actually a very pirvate person,in spitie of how it looks. And it hurts me to open myself to so much scrutiny.
I'd like to write her a last letter. So if she sees this today and wants me to she can write me at the email I put up. If she can't then she can write me at my old yahoo one.
She should let me know in her own way which she wants me go to. Or I could write her at one she has. Just give me our sign and an email adress here and I will write you there. I don't have a letter prepared.becuase I was very ambivalent about writing a s last letter. So I'll just write from the heart. To answer some of you who posted. Highly: I'm sorry you don't like my dramatic streak. It's not something I try to put on it's just me.It's just the way I am. A part of me doesn't like the fact I need so much attention and dramatics.But it's just who I am.Good Luck to you.Your very smart and have really good observations. Zala:
Thanks for your wise and thoughtful post.I'm not sure where she is . She likes to hide and use other names. If I KNEW I was writing her I would have. I was hoping she would at least open the door that way. But she didn't . I only went public with this as a last resort. I am very good at keeping secrets and have guarded hers for years.I don't betray the people I care about,no matter what. I didn't want to publically expose any of this.It was out of frustrattion and pain and desperation only .
Am I expecting her to change? I don't know, people can. But I am expecting me to change.
I don't think what I'm doing is manipulative. If it was a game or a an act ,it would be manipulative. But I'm really ending my connection to her on the net. So I'm doing for her what I'd like someone to do for me in similar circumstances. I'm telling her I'm unhappy, asking her to change and letting her know what I'm doing if she doesn't change.I'm giving her time because of saturn and this might be a hard time to let go. Also the most important people in my life died before i ever got to tell them how I felt . And it crushed me. So I give people time to say what they need to. Even if I seem insincere of foolish in the process. I meant well with this. Naiad: All I can say is thank you!!!! Aqua: Your post was the one I like the most . Thanks for the support. I loved your kindness.
You know this isn't easy for me. I'm attempting to let go of someone I've knowing through letters for almost eight years. Someone I have very strong feelings for.This is going to hurt a great deal. In spite of what she's done i still love her and care about her. This hurts more than words can convey.I don't like it and i don;t want to do it. But I honestly feel I have to.That's all. I mean it's all over and there's no need fo rgames. Becuase there's nothing fo rme to gain. She'll never really be in my life. You only manipulate when you want or think you can get something. A part of me hopes otherwise,but I know this has no futureand I'm never going to get what I wanted from her. So since there's nothing i want from her anymore and there's noting I;m going to get I'll just be honest. I like her so much, it's just that I can't live this way any more. I had hoped after all this time she'd finally trust me and maybe meet or talk in real life. But I don;t think that will ever happen. It's ok. I don't think she'll ever really have feelings for me or like the way I look. That's ok too. But once you know these things don;t you have to go? And add to that some other things reagarding right and wrong and i just can't stay.
But I leave with no spite or anger or desire for anything but kindness. I want to tell her the good things i think about her. And how much i came to care about her. Not only as a woman but as a person. She's certainly the most charming human being I've ever met and at time the most lovable one. Smart and creative and beautiful.it's just when people reject you ,you want to go away and recover. And if they dont; let you .The wound never heals. All my anger and spite and revenge wa sbased on feeling rejected and frustration over certain things. But underneath it all was good stuff. I have no need to say anyhting but the truth now. When you know you loose and you can't win anymore .what 's the motive to hide. I like her more than I'd care to admist. That's why I got all crazy and said thos ehurtful things. Underneath was just wounded affection.You only tell people this stuff when you know it's over. becuase this type of disclosure usually pushed people away. The sexual tensiona dna challenge ends with thi stype of honesty. So I'm spilling the beans because I have nothing to lose. Other than things i won;t go into, I was madat her and hated her because i wanted her to like me a certain way and she didn;t. That's just the truth.Anyway, what'd the difference now.I'llput up a post here later if she doesn;t respond to me in my emails or give me one to write to. I promise it will be my last one and I won;t say things that will disclose or compromise her privacy.
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Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 6485
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004
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posted July 28, 2007 08:13 PM
Samsara ~ quote:
Am I expecting her to change? I don't know, people can. But I am expecting me to change.
Hurray!!! (**claps hands**) quote:
You know this isn't easy for me. I'm attempting to let go of someone I've knowing through letters for almost eight years. Someone I have very strong feelings for.
I understand, and I wish you courage and extra strength to slog thru the process of disengaging and grieving. I don’t understand how people can say that internet friendships are somehow less than physical friendships. Before there was an internet, people conducted friendships, relationships, even love affairs thru the mail (famous example: Robert Browning/Elizabeth Barrett). I've found that you can pour just as much of your heart and soul and mind into email as you do IRL  And I understand how hard it is to cut out a piece of your heart, and feelings that have grown and been nurtured for 8 years…..  Best of luck on your journey!!
Zala IP: Logged |
fayte.m
Knowflake Posts: 9809
From: Still out looking for Schrödinger's cat. fayte1954@hotmail.com
Registered: Mar 2005
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posted July 28, 2007 11:07 PM
Samsara{{{HUGS}}}
I was with my first husband for almost two decades before I had the courage to leave him. I should have left him after the first few weeks we were married but he had a heart attack at age 22 and made me feel sorry for him. I stayed way too long with him.
I wish I had at least had the courage to leave him and take my son 8 years later but I had become how can I say it....used to him, used to not being myself, used to living life by his control.
It is hard I imagine even with a cyber connection to let go and move on.
I wish you the best of luck and happiness.
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~Judgement Must Be Balanced With Compassion~
~Do Not Seek Wealth From The Suffering, Or The Dire Needs Of Others~
~Assumption Is The Bane Of Understanding~
~ if you keep doing what you did, you'll keep getting what you got.~
}><}}}(*> <*){{{><{
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pidaua
Knowflake Posts: 7314
From: Schweinfurt to Grafenwoehr all within 6 months LOL
Registered: May 2002
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posted July 29, 2007 01:33 AM
I wish you well on your journey. Although the door with this person may be closing there is a whole new life ahead of you. I don't know the whole story so I cannot chose any sides or fault any one for their actions. She may be an evil woman that used you or you could be an obsessed man that can't let her go... either way, that is not important.Letting go and moving on is what is important. Is this a Pluto lesson? Not sure, but it sure seems like it. Remember, with Pluto the tighter your hold, the harder the rip. Pluto can make it bearable to change or make that change hurt so deep that you'll wish you had just complied in the first place. With all of your Plutonian synastry and natal aspects.. I'd say let the tranformation continue, let the dead get thrown to the side and allow the new bud to bloom... you'll be happy you did. IP: Logged |
samsara
Knowflake Posts: 63
From: portland,or,usa
Registered: Apr 2007
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posted July 29, 2007 02:06 AM
Hi P, thanks for the beautiful post.
I intend to do as you say. This is years later than it should have been . No hard feelings though.I don't want to judge anyone. What she did was wrong. But I'm sure it came from her own pain and lonliness. I forgive her.
And yes, I was obsessed.But it's so much less than it used to be. And I can let go. I'm becoming a healthier person. And I'm also aware that I need a great deal of work to be truly healthy. I'm going to go to therapy and 12 step meetings and put this all behind me.I can becuase I know it's time. I'm ready to go. In about a half hour I'll be done posting here. I won't be back to read or post here again. I'm going to let all my emails go too. So we won't have any way to communicate because she has an obsession problem too I think. Anyway the internet half of this will end tonight. It's unlikely we'll ever communicate directly to each other again. I guess I'll have to deal with the other issue through proper channels.But this won't tear me apart or anything.I'm at peace. This is long overdue. And I'm ready to move on and I will.IP: Logged |
samsara
Knowflake Posts: 63
From: portland,or,usa
Registered: Apr 2007
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posted July 29, 2007 02:55 AM
Anyway, I don't sense she wants me to wait any longer. So I won't. I'm going to talk directly to her now. " In spite of all that happened I'm glad I got to know you. I hope that in spite of the bad impressions I might have made that your glad you got to know me too.Honey it's such a crazy world and time moves so fast. I wish I could have stayed and played here with you forever. But I have to go. I don't really want to. But you know the thigns you did were wrong and hurt me a great deal. But you weren't able to stop me from still liking you! You know even with all that's happened I still wish you the best. I hope you find love and happiness.
I'm going to get help and become a healthier person. I so hope you do too. If you could iron out a few things, I swear you'd be the most beautiful person in the whole world. Your soul is so beautiful. You don't even know. But I do . I've never encountered a more beautiful one. And your only working at half strength becasue of your issues. Even with all that your still beautiful. The night in the chat room when you showed me you hadn;t abandoned me. The energy I felt coming from you was simply the most beautiful I've ever encountered. I was humbled and so impressed with your goodness and kindness. You have a soul that is staggeringly beautiful. Imagine how you'd be with your issues behind you! Don't let the negative stuff rob you of that innate beauty!!!!I want you to be happy,please do what I'm going to do and get therapy too.And do the right thing all the time!!!!
Also I want you to remember the things i said about how you helped me want to get back into life. The next time you get depressed or don't feel good about yourself. Rememeber that years ago I was so broken and sad. Nothing in life mattered to me and I was dying by inches every day.I didn't care about anything, life meant nothing to me. And then I became aware of you. You made me want to live again.Don;t forget that ,ever. I won't, Remember that when you don't feel good about yourself.Promise me you will!!!!
There's no more time .If I'm going to be strong and live up to my words. So I have to go. You know if you ever want to understand some of the things I went through. You should read "A Moon For The Misbegotten" by O'neil. It was so close to me .Tyrone. I read that and my jaw dropped it was so close. I began to sob when I read that. Tonight is like the end of that play for me. I have to say goodbye to the only person I ever fully trusted and fully opened up to.
I'm going to post a little of the play here that seems to fit us: He has awakened and remembered what has passed between them in the night. The Broadway mask is clapped on, and he moves casually away from Josie, saying “See you later. . . .” Josie calls after him: JOSIE (Strickenly) No! Don’t, Jim! Don’t go like that! You won’t see me later. You’ll never see me again now, and I know that’s best for us both, but I can’t bear to have you ashamed you wanted my love to comfort your sorrow—when I’m so proud I could give it. (Pleadingly) I hoped, for your sake, you wouldn’t remember, but now you do, I want you to remember my love for you gave you peace for awhile. TYRONE (Stares at her, fighting with himself. He stammers defensively) I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t remember— JOSIE (Sadly) All right, Jim. Neither do I then. Good-bye and God bless you. . . . TYRONE . . . Wait, Josie! . . . I'm a liar! I’m a louse! Forgive me, Josie, I do remember! I’m glad I remember! I’ll never forget your love . . . I'll always love you, Josie. . . . Goodbye—and God bless you! He leaves without looking back, taking with him the pride and peace her love has brought him. JOSIE:May you have your wish and die in your sleep soon, Jim, darling. May you rest forever in forgiveness and peace. Anyway, I'm starting to cry.I'm just a big pisces cry baby.You know the time we wrote poems to each other? You gave me the happiest momemt of my life. I've never felt ecstacy like that. My last wish for you is that if I didn't that feeling you meet somone who does. That's what I wish for. A part of me is afraid I'll never find anyone that will make me feel that way aagin, But Ill try. I' going to find the courage to love.
I want you to know that no matter what you did ,no matter how mad at you I got or you got at me. Underneath I still liked you and cared. I always will. You know I think you have a strong need to push people away. So you do things to them and get angry at you or make them push away.Maybe it's part of an impossible test you set up. I also think a part of you doesn't like yourself very much. But you know what ,that part of you wasn't strong enough to defeat the part of me that loved you!!!! I'm not sure, but I think that's what unconditional love is. And if I'm right. You finally found it. Goodbye Little Emmy, I love you IP: Logged |
Highly_Inflammable
Knowflake Posts: 330
From: some where far and forgotten
Registered: Apr 2007
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posted July 30, 2007 06:30 AM
quote:
Highly: I'm sorry you don't like my dramatic streak. It's not something I try to put on it's just me.It's just the way I am. A part of me doesn't like the fact I need so much attention and dramatics.But it's just who I am.Good Luck to you.Your very smart and have really good observations.
((hugs))
sam dear, I am sorry if I sounded harsh and looking down my nose... not for single micro second I intended to be harsh but just honest (infamous 'sag' bluntness).. I have done my fair share of 'hanging to the person I should have left years ago,, in the name of love/ loyality/ compassion'....whatever I may chose to call it; the simple fact is "emotions are not ruled by logic"... it is a tough decision for you... all the best. All I want for you is to live peacefully within your sphere.. easy in your skin and loved by the one you love. TO love someone and to LET him/her Go...is something I have done.. I swear it tears apart,, I could only do it when I was sure it is BEST for me and him both.. I know you are doing it for her as much as for yourself, otherwise you would never have done it. ......
.. best of luck.
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