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Author
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Topic: I would appreciate some guidance about a friend w/ a drug problem.
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venusdeindia
Knowflake Posts: 836
From: mumbai,india
Registered: Nov 2006
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posted March 10, 2008 09:36 AM
 
well i am a pranic healing and reiki therapist, they do have therapy for addictions.why not try that. ?IP: Logged |
ghanima81
Moderator Posts: 1577
From: MAINE! :)
Registered: Aug 2003
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posted March 10, 2008 09:42 AM
Totally agree with you there!! I think that kind of healing is much less threatening also, and the practitioners know how to clear themselves of the energy in the right way so as not to let it affect their psyches.  IP: Logged |
Unmoved
Knowflake Posts: 623
From: South Africa
Registered: Jun 2007
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posted March 10, 2008 09:46 AM
Thank you venusdeindia. The more options, the better. I will research that too on google and see if there are any practitioners in his area. Thanks again.  IP: Logged |
Unmoved
Knowflake Posts: 623
From: South Africa
Registered: Jun 2007
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posted March 10, 2008 11:33 AM
Well, again I would like to thank you for your advice. Now, let me update you on a what has happened since I posted.Yesterday he was asking for help.
Today he is saying that he just has an emotional problem, not a drug problem. Yesterday he was throwing toys pleading.
Today he is saying that he feels good and that the only thing that's bothering him is the state of his finances. Yesterday I was considering helping him out and being there for this person.
Today I have decided to give him the information I have gathered and let him make his own decisions. Basically, now that I am giving him the map of steps we should consider such as NA/AA/or reiki, he turns around and makes me seem as if I am the one who is forcing him to do this, treating my efforts as if I am a nag, a drag... a person that needs to "chillax"... There is is a game that he is playing. I am not sure if he got more of his supply during the day and decided that it isn't so bad after all because all he is thinking now is how he is going to make money, not how he is going to recover. So, he asked me to help him out with a CV because although he has his own company, he says he needs to work also in order to make the required amount of income. So, I am a little irritated that yesterday he was close to killing himself because he did not desire his life to be the way it was; and today I am the "square, uptight b*itch" that wants him to change when he doesn't want to. Apart from the constant contradictions, as if he is trying to confuse me on purpose, he is saying how great I am for being there for him, and what a wonderful person I am. And... I think that's when I lost it and told him that he has just used up his last strike. Yesterday he was saying: quote:
yes i do want help....im scared of life like you have no idea...i live
in fear at the moment..and im tired of being outraged by my own
demons.....
and the bit I told you about initially... Today it's this: quote:
i had a pretty good day so far...radio 2000 didn stick their
meetin..but that just motivated me to go see some other clients and
had two really good touch and go awareness meetings..bizz will pick upsista..ill call you for now...i dont have a drug problem and alcohol
is not the problem its an emotional problem...
and... quote:
strike 3 i hope not cause i care...but right now u makin me feel worse
and im realy tryin hard to keep up a positive energy.
so I am the one that is messing with his "positive energy"??? So... yeah, he gets powder and forgets what it was doing to him yesterday? Ok. he has the NA schedule. I don't think I can do this. I choose not to do it. That's my current mind about this whole thing.
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Happy Dragon
Knowflake Posts: 2886
From:
Registered: Apr 2005
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posted March 10, 2008 11:46 AM
~ Unmoved ~
do you have any idea as to exactly what drug he might be using ??IP: Logged |
ghanima81
Moderator Posts: 1577
From: MAINE! :)
Registered: Aug 2003
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posted March 10, 2008 11:53 AM
 You did what you could. The rest is up to him.  IP: Logged |
Unmoved
Knowflake Posts: 623
From: South Africa
Registered: Jun 2007
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posted March 10, 2008 12:31 PM
HD... Yes. 1. Cocaine. (certainty)
2. Marajuana. (certainty)
3. Alcohol (certainty) (whisky), some
4. anti-depressents (not sure) and he has done acid but I'm not sure if he still doing that. He did make a new friend while we were working who mentioned that he was tripping on acid. They swapped numbers and I assume that they must be in touch now. CAT is cheaper in SA than Coke, and since business has been slow, who knows if that is the second choice. But, "coke" is cooler than all the other drugs so I am not surprised that it's the one he is using. He has no track marks so I do not think he is doing heroine... Unless he shoots from his feet but I doubt that. Thanks ghanima81 IP: Logged |
thirteen
Knowflake Posts: 1107
From: Rochester Hills, MI USA
Registered: May 2004
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posted March 10, 2008 12:53 PM
Options for Families with Drug Abusers
Annette Nay, MS
Copyright © 1999
Someone you love is a drug user. This person steals from you even though s/he says s/he loves you very much. This behavior will escalate until you can no longer stand his or her behavior. This will probably be after s/he has caused you a lot of grief. If will come to the point that you will lose all your positions of worth to your loved one's drug habit or you throw him or her out of your lives permanently. This person will not be allowed in to your house because s/he can not be left alone for a second.
Some families spend thousands of dollars trying one clinic after another to save their loved one. The family is giving full effort but the drug has priority to the addicted person. In essence this person loves the drug so much that even after s/he are detoxed off the drug s/he wants to go back to it and will do anything to get back into the relationship with his or her drug of choice.
The relationship with the drug becomes stronger than any relationship with God, family, or the community. The drug addicted person plunders the family's and community's wealth to take care of their habit to keep this relationship. What's worse is s/he feels it is his or her right physically, mentally, and emotionally to do so.
There is only two reasons the addicted person will end the his or her relationship with his or her drug. This is by death or when the relationship is so damaging that the person is losing his or her life or he is loosing his or her family. All too often drug addicted people give up their family and sometimes even their life to pursue their drug relationship.
For the families that watch this destructive relationship continue, there is only one thing they can do. That is to let the user choose the relationship s/he wants to keep. They cannot keep both the relationship with the drug and the family.
The family can try to change the drug addicted person but until s/he wants to change, there will be no change. That's the sad truth. It does not matter how much money is thrown at the problem. Things won't change until the behavior no longer works for of the addicted person.
How long you want to stay in this abusive relationship with your addicted person is your choice. No one can make that choice for you. Support of the drug addicted family member should be immediate as soon as the family realizes there is a problem or the family is enabling the addiction to grow and develop. Instead the sad truth is that it only happens when the addicts behavior becomes so intolerable that his lies of changing no longer work and all the love for that individual is gone. All that is left is broken hearts, broken dreams, and empty pockets. Will it end like this for you?
Steps can be taken immediately to stop the loved one.
Rules of engagement must be consistent and firm. There should be no wavering, but a united front with all the family members. Make no mistake about it, you are at war with a powerful drug. War takes some cruel but decisive actions like the ones below.
The addicted one may never be alone or have money. If money is earned by the user, it kept by someone else for his or her use as needed. These items are bought for user.
The addicted one may never have anything of worth, yours or his or hers. All items of worth are locked up. This can be in the garage, banks, and/or purchased safes for the home.
The addicted may never take a phone call without it being monitored on another phone.
In essence the addicted person is in jail, in your home and the family becomes his or her jailers. This is not a happy relationship for the addicted person or the family. Often the addicted person will run away. So what other choices does the family have?
1. Allow the user to keep stealing from the community and the family and doing drugs.
2. Allow the user to spread his or her drug use to other family members.
3. Become the person's full-time jailer forever.
4. Turn him or her into the authorities to have the person to time in jail.
5. Pray for the person and turn him or her loose to choose his or her own fate.
Jail time may be a viable option. You have to understand that the person will get better connections in jail than s/he has ever had before. It is often reported that there is more drugs in jail than on the outside. S/He also is connected with other felons and learn how to do what they do. Jail may be the last option or your first. Again this is your hard choice to make.
Perhaps the last option is the best of all. You cannot control the addicted person, so turn them out, turn his or her care over to your Higher Power, and live your life to its fullest, knowing that you have done your best.
You must know that his decision has to an addict is his or her own. No one can change someone else's mind or actions. You can only change yourself and your actions. Do so!IP: Logged |
Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 6485
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004
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posted March 10, 2008 01:33 PM
Unmoved ~Bail, hon. He's not ready. You've done all you can. Let it go and don't reply to his texts. Cola is insidious and he's not willing to put it out of his life yet -- he still thinks he can control his using..... ghani ~ No, I don't think you were being harsh at all. And I would never purposely invalidate the truth of your own personal experiences IP: Logged |
MysticMelody
Moderator Posts: 3521
From:
Registered: Dec 2005
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posted March 10, 2008 03:39 PM
T, Z, and HSC, thank you for reading and thanks for the encouragement, support, and love, my friends.  back to you
Unmoved, I'm glad my words are helping you think things through and make the best decision for you. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for a man is to applaud the healthy and positive behavior and reject the unhealthy and negative behavior. That is why a certain amount of detachment is necessary. You can't let yourself get caught up in the addict dynamic where you are supposed to play the role of the nag so he/she can blame you for causing him/her so much stress that they can't help but continue their use/substance abuse.
With anyone, just encourage the healthy behavior and ignore and reject (without emotion) the unhealthy behavior. Easier said than done, especially since we usually are most compelled to "help" and nurture people we care about, who have too many emotional hooks in us to ignore. But the cold hard formula is a good, firm guide.
IP: Logged |
ghanima81
Moderator Posts: 1577
From: MAINE! :)
Registered: Aug 2003
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posted March 10, 2008 04:02 PM
MM, "That is why a certain amount of detachment is necessary. You can't let yourself get caught up in the addict dynamic where you are supposed to play the role of the nag so he/she can blame you for causing him/her so much stress that they can't help but continue their use/substance abuse." That's exactly what I was trying to get at. Blame is the word when it comes to addictive behavior. And it's so hard to get an addict to realize, until they accept responsibility and ownership of their decisions, that they are putting that blame on everyone who is trying to help them. *sigh* I have to get outta this thread. It's getting me too upset, and this is one topic I will not compromise my opinion on just to keep the waters still. I don't understand addicts. They make me so angry!! Anyways, thanks Mel, for saying what you did in such a lovely way. And good luck, Unmoved. I'm sure you will do what's best for you. Ghani
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Unmoved
Knowflake Posts: 623
From: South Africa
Registered: Jun 2007
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posted March 11, 2008 07:35 PM
I met him face to face today. I got my things and left. He wanted a hug and I didn't give it him because just yesterday he told me that I was not talented, which didn't sit well with me.I have cut him off from my life and as Zala said, I will not be replying to his messages from now on. Unfortunately, my decision is not speaking to him at all. I think ththe best I could do. I am done. I did what was in my power. IP: Logged |
Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 6485
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004
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posted March 11, 2008 08:22 PM
Let him go, and forget what he said about your talent (you know it ain't true  ).
He's probably huffy because he couldn't manipulate you and you ain't a paying (studio) customer anymore.
He fluffed a real good chance at changing his life, but I doubt if he realizes that.....IP: Logged |
26taurus
Knowflake Posts: 13411
From: *
Registered: Jun 2004
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posted March 11, 2008 11:08 PM
IP: Logged |
MysticMelody
Moderator Posts: 3521
From:
Registered: Dec 2005
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posted March 12, 2008 01:05 AM
hi ghani, just wanted you to know that I was only replying to Unmoved's original post because it caught my eye. I only skimmed everyone else's replies, so I hope you don't think I was disagreeing/arguing or replying to you at any point in any way.  Just a subject close to my heart and my personal quest, so I felt I had something to offer. Thank you for enjoying the way I presented the information. Unmoved, you made the right decision. IP: Logged |
ghanima81
Moderator Posts: 1577
From: MAINE! :)
Registered: Aug 2003
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posted March 12, 2008 09:08 AM
MM,Not at all! No worries, luv. I just get upset where this subject is concerned because I have put in a lot of time, money, and energy, both emotional and physical, in trying to help people with addictions. I can see where people are coming from when they give advice about helping (I am a triple Aqua, sun,merc and mars all in my 11th, I'm all about helping others) but I really get saddened when I see others on the brink of going through what I have. It's such a painful process. I just hope she doesn't get sucked into the guilt trap... that's another side effect. Anyways, you have a way with words!! Ghani IP: Logged |
Unmoved
Knowflake Posts: 623
From: South Africa
Registered: Jun 2007
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posted March 12, 2008 09:38 AM
Thank you so much guys. Honestly, I would not have been able to do it without you. I feel better that I have made the rigt decision for me, and that it is alright to walk away because not everyone desires assistance (even though they might claim to) and that I can not put my head on the block for someone who is not willing to do the same for themselves. I think he thought i was joking until we saw each other face to face and now he has calmed down a bit with the messages. Zala. You're right. He has no idea how much I was willing to really assist him. Oh, well... you win some, you lose some. All in all. Thank you LL-ites. IP: Logged |
ListensToTrees
Knowflake Posts: 3844
From: Infinity
Registered: Jul 2005
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posted March 12, 2008 10:12 AM
IP: Logged |
ribbons of color
Knowflake Posts: 109
From: USA
Registered: Sep 2005
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posted March 13, 2008 09:41 AM
Chin Up, you did what you could, he did not want your help, and is only pulling you down,do yourself a favor cut all ties with him, and run like the wind, YOU CAN'T HELP SOMEONE WHO WON'T HELP THEMSELVES, refuse to be sucked into his addiction nightmare, he is a manipulator, and master of the game, take it from one who know, wish him well, pray for him, turn your back, and get on with "YOUR" life.ribbons IP: Logged |
ribbons of color
Knowflake Posts: 109
From: USA
Registered: Sep 2005
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posted March 13, 2008 09:44 AM
Chin Up, you did what you could, he did not want your help, and is only pulling you down,do yourself a favor cut all ties with him, and run like the wind, YOU CAN'T HELP SOMEONE WHO WON'T HELP THEMSELVES, refuse to be sucked into his addiction nightmare, he is a manipulator, and master of the game, take it from one who know, wish him well, pray for him, turn your back, and get on with "YOUR" life.ribbons IP: Logged |
Unmoved
Knowflake Posts: 623
From: South Africa
Registered: Jun 2007
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posted March 14, 2008 09:24 AM
Thank you ribbons.Yesterday I went to dinner and randomly met someone who is a major player who, was pleased that I was working with this guy. I did not divulge that we are no longer working together but it made me wonder whether I should carry on working with this guy because he is highly recommended in the industry. So I am in a dilemma because working with this guy means I have an easier road to my career goals, but I have already set my boundaries and told him that I will no longer work with him. This means if I re-establish contact with "my friend", he will be encouraged to think that i don't follow through with my words. if I leave him as I have, then I lose out on some opportunities. I am certainly not going to be party to his drug issues, but my question now is... am I being too over-confident to think that I can just ignore that part of his life and concentrate on the music? I am not rushing myself to make a decision to speak to him. I will take it one day at a time, and currently I still feel that I should keep my distance, but yesterday's encounter left me wondering whether I made a rash decision. I am just sharing. Unmoved IP: Logged |
ribbons of color
Knowflake Posts: 109
From: USA
Registered: Sep 2005
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posted March 14, 2008 11:00 AM
Don't sell yourself short,if you have talent and believe in what you do, you can go far on your own, no one can tell you what to do,you are the only one who knows that answer, just make sure the price is not to great. Good luck to you.ribbons IP: Logged |
goatgirl
Knowflake Posts: 954
From: Anywhere
Registered: Jul 2002
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posted March 14, 2008 11:58 AM
When someone has an addiction, it colors every aspect of their life. There is no separating work, love, health, etc. from the addiction.Take some time and think about what is most important to you, and how much of your ideals, morals, values, you are willing to overlook for this person's addiction just because he's "connected" and what your word of honor (for lack of a better term) means to you. Only you can decide where to draw the line, and what you are or aren't willing to do/put up with. I will be keeping you in my thoughts, and I know the right decision will come to you. Take care.
Hugs,
GG ------------------
The truth is ... everything counts. Everything. Everything we do and everything we say. Everything helps or hurts; everything adds to or takes away from someone else. ~ Countee Cullen We are weaving character every day, and the way to weave the best character is to be kind and to be useful. Think right, act right; it is what we think and do that makes us who we are. ~ Elbert Hubbard IP: Logged |
MysticMelody
Moderator Posts: 3521
From:
Registered: Dec 2005
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posted March 14, 2008 11:46 PM
If you cut everyone who has an addiction out of your life completely, you will have to move to a mountaintop or something.  If you choose not to be involved, then just be a good example, instead of accidentally falling into the roll of mommy or heavy by trying to help when you don't feel you are fully committed or equipped to help. When he says stuff to you to try to drag you in, just give him a stare and say levelly... "You're a big boy" or "It's your life". Don't say it with irritation or emotion or you get sucked into being the nag or heavy.
The messed up boys I know LOVE it when I am sarcastic with them. They see it as caring, and form of flirting. Not kidding. It has to be NO emotion. IP: Logged | |
Lindaland
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