posted March 09, 2008 05:11 PM         

He has not admitted to using, but everyone knew that he was a user except for me and I found out a few days ago. I found out when he suddenly went into an irrational rage where he was on the verge of hurting me.

He snaps from being the sweetest person to being the most vulgar, to being teary and then to feeling sorry for himself about his life.

I don't know the details, all I know is that he is not acting normally, and those that knew him longer than I did say that he is a major user. I also know that he mysteriously gave up custody to his son to have the step-dad as the legal guardian.

Anyway, I am probably being manipulated but I have stopped talking to him, we are no longer working together as of the outburst, and a few minutes ago he sent me a message pleading for me to not throw him away like everyone else.

This is the message:

please help me to be a better man..dont throw me away..

i wanna learn how to trust to believe and just be understood and feel loved without any extarnal factors that bring out insecurities...please help me please

this is one of his personalities, the "victim" personality, but this is the one that got me to actually ask the guys from LL to help me figure out what I am supposed to do with this person.

What do you say when someone asks that of you? Do you walk away and hope for the best? I feel helpless because he will NOT take any instructions to go to the AA or whatever. He is literally on the verge of death I feel because he could kill himself anytime.

F*ck! I dunno what to do about this. I dunno if it's even my problem. How do I help someone who is resisting help, but at the same time is asking for help?

posted March 09, 2008 05:24 PM         

I share your sadness, and even your irritation, at your friend's troubles And I agree, you are probably being manipulated. Substance-abusers become master-manipulators, in order to get what they want…..

Ultimatums don't work for everyone, but it's something you could try..... he begged for your help, pleaded with you not to "throw him away." Very well then, tell him you will not disappear on him *IF* he will seek help. Some substance-abusers are motivated to change if someone they consider important says they're leaving and cutting contact. It could be the turning point.

If he won't honestly seek help, then he's not ready yet, and will continue living with his disease until he hits bottom, and you should probably bail on the association even though you want to help. And some substance-abusers have to hit bottom more than once. Some don't make it, and don't want to change -- they're content with the devil they know rather than the devil they don't know (sobriety/being clean).

Have you got a new computer now, luv??

posted March 09, 2008 05:32 PM         

Anyway, I am fetching my guitar and stuff from his studio and hopefully we will never see each other again...

I still feel so bad for "deserting" this stranger.

posted March 09, 2008 05:44 PM         

Abusers and addicts are never going to change overnight, and no matter what they say, it's usually them trying to get something from other people. They do not know how to do things for themselves. They claim the whole world is against them, they are not being given a chance, and "wah, wah, poor me" when their last line of drugs/money/caring is about to leave them. I know everyone has a reason that they become addicted, and my heart goes out to those who struggle... but I have been burned enough times by trying to "save" these types of people, I cannot honestly see putting myself in your position ever again.

Know you are a good person for wishing for them to get better, but don't disrupt your life for someone who will not be changed by what you try to do for them. This person has to do it himself. FOR himself.

You are right to walk away... as much as it hurts, and as much as you will worry about him, please do right for yourself and don't get involved.

posted March 09, 2008 06:07 PM         

Thank you for replying and I assume then that you have been at this cross-road?

Okay, 2/2 say I must not get involved. I see...

Zala, I have just given him that ultimatum. I wait now to see what crap he comes up with. If he makes a choice of changing, although I do not know him well... I suppose the next step would be to find a rehab and book him in???

or am I being too optimistic here?

posted March 09, 2008 06:28 PM         

~blue moon ~ bleeding heart

Passing on some good advice I actually heeded.

posted March 09, 2008 06:35 PM         

I am just shocked because until he went on a rage with me, no one had told me about his drug problem and to be honest, I didn't snoop to find out, although i did find him a little strange at times.

I won't let him in my place. We usually meet at his studios or at a restaurant if we have work to discuss... but just so you know, my prescription pills disappeared the other day from my hand-bag.

I am trying not to suspect him.

And when we are working, I leave my bag anywhere... but i know that the pills disappeared on the night that he had the outburst. Maybe mixing my pills with whatever he is taking made him snap.

posted March 09, 2008 07:48 PM         

quote:

---

You are a beautiful person for caring so much about someone who obviously does not care about themselves.

---

blue ~

quote:

---

There's only one person can make him a better man.

---

posted March 09, 2008 08:10 PM         

We have been arguing. The ultimatum of truth or the highway didn't work because he won't admit it, even if I know someone he was snorting with... but he did say that he will do whatever I tell him to do.

I suggested rehab and he says "I dont do drugs. I am just in a bad space. that's all. I just need someone to be there for me because I am scared..."

When I suggested a therapist, he spoke of monetary restrictions that won't allow him to see a therapist.

He will not be truthful with me and I think I am asking for a break-through too early, right?

I think I will google free rehabs and clinics in South Africa, but I doubt I will find any "freebies".

posted March 09, 2008 08:48 PM         

Here are the “Rules” for one of the first of the 12-Step programs that came into existence:

THE TWELVE STEPS OF NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS
1. We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

He’s not fooling anyone by denying that he’s using. Tell him flat out that you KNOW he is and you find his lying tiresome. See, they really think they’re fooling people that they’re “just in a bad place.” I find his reply that he’ll do whatever you want him to do encouraging, but I’m not terribly optimistic about its truthfulness – that remains to be PROVEN. Of course he’s scared – the fact that he’ll admit that is encouraging too, but the other interpretation of that is “Manipulation,” and Playing the Victim to elicit sympathy or gain of some sort. I find it interesting that you really do not provide much of anything to him or for him (drugs/physical support/love), other than being mildly interested in his welfare and being a client (??) of his studio (ie a meal-ticket).

The first of the 12 Steps is THE most important of all. Once that hurdle has been overcome – and he can HONESTLY DEEP IN HIS SOUL admit that he has a problem – the rest of the journey becomes easier. He knows something is very wrong in his life and he feels powerless. It may seem odd, but one way of getting the power back, and getting back in control of your life, is to give it up (the 1st Step).

Do you have AA or NA or similar groups there?? They are free, they only ask for a contribution if you can afford it. If he can admit to you that he’s got a problem, and ready to go with some kind of program, then give him the list you find from Google. Offer to go with him – they often won’t go alone the first time, if it’s a “group Meeting” type program like AA/NA. I can attest from intimate personal experience that these programs DO work, if the effort is expended to change and follow the guidelines of the Steps above. There IS a Way Out. Addicts deep in their disease forget (or never learned) how wonderful Life is (can be) without their substance/crutch-of-choice. It takes time to become dependent on drugs, and it takes a similar amount of time to become independent of them. It's possible that Studio-Guy has never known joy and hope and success and love in his life -- but getting those things *into* your life is a lot more likely when drugs are not a part of that life.

CancerianMoon is right: you came into contact with each other to teach/learn-from one another. The main issue for you, as I see it, is maintaining your boundaries and staying safe, while still being as supportive as you are willing to be. You are NOT a babysitter, and just because he's pleaded "I just need someone to be there for me because I am scared..." doesn't require you to do a damn thing. You’re someone who cares in a small way, and it could make all the difference in the world for him, but he needs to see (if he doesn't already) that you don't owe him a thing. I think perhaps you're an archetype to him of someone with a great deal of personal strength and he may unconsciously or secretly admire that quality in you and wish he had it, which is why he glommed onto you, perhaps hoping that it would "rub off." The fact that he’s letting you in at all (being you’re just an acquaintance and you’re having discussions about addiction and therapists), indicates to me that he’s already “used up” the tolerance/patience/friendship of any of the “real” friends he may have had (not to mention family), and he’s near the end of the road and is grasping at the last faint straws of hope in his life…..

posted March 09, 2008 09:31 PM         

I met him a month ago.

I have not known him long at all. I pay for the studio time, it's not free. I do not provide him with drugs. C'mon Zala.m but fair enough...

Basically, he does not provide anything for me other than a service for his studios. I provide cash for time spent there. That's it. I have taken him out for supper or lunch...

The fact that I told him that I will not work with him anymore tells that he is dispensable, as far as facilities are concerned, but he is talented and so working with him is great because he does put a different perspective to my work.

I do not hide things so we speak candidly about my life, my past, future, present, because it is plastered all over the work we are doing... so that could be the reason why he is a little open with me.

I just like the guy enough to care.

I have never had a stranger ask me what he has asked me. Ever! So, I am not sure what to make of it.

Yesterday I decided that I will not work with him and I meant it. He has been sending me messages all weekend long acting as if nothing happened, not acknowledging the incidence, until now, when I posted on LL because the change of tone took me aback.

Maybe it's a transit that's making me sensitive? But his message jerked something inside of me.

We do have an NA ans AA... but I think he needs to actually be in seclusion, but that's not my call... I am preparing a list of websites and such to email him tomorrow.

He is always giving me lectures about drugs when I told him that I take tranquilizers for 10 days every month.

He admitted weed and alcohol, not other drugs.

posted March 09, 2008 09:54 PM         

quote:

---

I do not provide him with drugs. C'mon Zala.m but fair enough...

---

You say that you think he is talented, and working with him would be a plus – for BOTH of you. But perhaps (if you haven’t basically done so already) tell him that you cannot work with someone who is in denial of their drug habit, no matter how talented you think they are.

Transit?? tSaturn on your Venus in XI and tUranus about to oppose your Sun is all the long-term heavy-duty transits I see going on….. you don’t have a birthdate for him, do you?? That might show contacts of his to your Chiron or nodal axis…..

quote:

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I have never had a stranger ask me what he has asked me. Ever! So, I am not sure what to make of it.

---

PS for your edit: Sure he admitted to weed and alcohol -- those are more socially accepted than what he's doing. I was just mentioning that you could represent something more than a meal-ticket to him tho -- in that you're honest, straight with him, and brook no nonsense, and have actually decided to leave (the studio). He's probably managed to manipulate others into staying as clients in the past, so thought it might work with you if he let down his guard (a little) and asked you not to throw him away.....

posted March 09, 2008 10:06 PM         

Zala

Yeah, I am not working with him anymore. That was decided long time ago. He accepts that. But he just said that i must be there for him. Whatever that means.

He was born on the 3rd May 1976, 1:24 am, in Boksburg or Benoni, South Africa.

After a person's name, I ask for their birth details. LOL...

NA and AA I think should be a start. I told him that I will walk with him if he decides to take a step, but I am not going to beg him for his own wellbeing.

true about the weed and booze thing. Hmmm... (thinking)...

posted March 09, 2008 10:13 PM         

I can laugh at this spoof by an addict in recovery -- once you get past the cravings to use again and get some years of sobriety/being-clean under your belt, you can joke about it.....

I'll take a look at the chart..... (you are too cute -- the first thing you ask, after their name )

PS: This is important -- try to get this thru to him, if you can:

posted March 09, 2008 10:25 PM         

I will be persistent and keep telling him that he is not fooling anyone.

I even told him that I have proof. So he must think I am bluffing. Maybe I should ask him to prove it in a drug test but I think that's taking it too far. Or is it?

But since he said he will do what I ask...

posted March 09, 2008 11:48 PM         

You have to set boundaries though. Only give what you are willing to give, and then say what you need to say or do what you need to do if they attempt to cross your boundaries after you have made them clear more than once. Choose where to direct your energy, and with whom to exchange energy. Choose wisely and take the time to meditate/pray about your decisions.

posted March 10, 2008 05:40 AM         

MM, you're right. The mind is too complicated and I have no idea how to assess which stage he is in currently with his addiction... I would hate to make matters worse and I have no idea what he expects from me either.

I may not be qualified to help him, but I definitely do not want to make things worse for him in any way.

I have to really absorb what has been said here, and really see if I am capable of assisting him in any way that I can.

Guys, MM, thank you.