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Author
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Topic: Children and Divorce
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hippichick
Knowflake Posts: 1981
From: The Ether
Registered: Jan 2006
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posted March 30, 2008 04:57 PM
 
I am becoming increasingly frusterated with the cop-out of married couples who stay..."For the children." At what point does this become detriment to the children? Sure, I suppose, IF a couple were able to fake it so well that the kids thought their parents were happy and mutually loving, it would work. But this is not reality. Kids of all ages, the young ones at an intuitive level and the older ones are far from stupid, just know when their parents are miserable!!! Even the best fakers of parents can not pull it off 24/7! Pop culture has all these glowing statistics of children of divorce achieve lower grades, have greater substance abuse problems, have problems in relationships later in life, etc. etc. etc. I wonder if anybody has ever studied the effects of children whose parents remain in messed up marriages? I look at all of the unhappy couples who I know, and they are many, who stay for the kids. I want to shake them and say "do you think your kids do not know?!" Kids of all ages have a great talent for blaming all of the problems in their families on themselves. It is fair to the kids for them to blame themselves on their parents own unhappiness? I am frusterated with people and their selfish needs anyway, but when children are in the middle, I am very sad. Can anybody justify why anybody should lie to their children as much as they lie to themselves? IP: Logged |
ghanima81
Moderator Posts: 1577
From: MAINE! :)
Registered: Aug 2003
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posted March 30, 2008 05:07 PM
Fear.People lie out of fear. And in this case, the fear of the unknown. To them, it probably seems noble. They don't see it as selfish, rather selfless. And I can't fault them for that, but you're completely right. Staying "for the children", if that is the true excuse, is more hurtful in the end... I know people who honestly thought they were doing the best thing for their kids, and when it all came out in the was (3 years later), it was sooo much worse. In that case, the daughter lived with the dad for 4 years after they were seperated (the mom could have given a shat, she was too into helself and still is), but now lives with mom. Mom only knows how to show the child love through material posessions, and has turned the child into a mini version of herself... It's so sad... If she (the mom) had left when she wanted to, I really believe this child would have stayed in the dad's house and her life would be a lot better and more stable. Good topic! I hope we get differing opinions, I would love to hear the other side. IP: Logged |
blue moon
Moderator Posts: 1169
From: U.K
Registered: Dec 2007
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posted March 30, 2008 05:46 PM
Ah, tricky, I know people who have decided to stay in a tolerable situation where the spark has gone rather than create general turmoil by packing their bags. I can see how in a similar scenario with children in the house sticking with the status quo would make even more sense. Not sure I would manage in this set-up, but I just don't know, I've not been put to the test. IP: Logged |
Motherkonfessor
Knowflake Posts: 1140
From:
Registered: Oct 2003
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posted March 31, 2008 12:41 AM
I think much of the turmoil children go through post divorce is due to economical issues more than anything else (mental/emotional.)Typically, children go to live with their mothers. Even in this day, women still make less than their male counterparts. Add to this factors like costs for daycare, medical care, school supplies, etc~ and the stress of being the main breadwinner as well as main caretaker. Even with child support and/or alimony, there are going to major financial changes and difficulties post divorce. I was happy as h@ll when my parents divorced. My father was a bitter, moody, self absorbed misogynist. But, I was already accustomed to a poverty living standard. I was old enough that with a year, I was working two jobs. It was much better than the facade that we were a family. MK IP: Logged |
AcousticGod
Knowflake Posts: 11943
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005
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posted March 31, 2008 01:25 AM
quote:
Can anybody justify why anybody should lie to their children as much as they lie to themselves?
Well, I can honestly say that there was a time when I didn't believe my parents belonged together. I thought it was a complete and total mistake. Now that I'm older and into astrology, I see that they're both fire signs. They both honestly consider one another friends. I understand more of my dad's issues. I'm thankful that they are together. My world wouldn't have ended if they'd have divorced, but it is nice to have parents who have been together 38 years. IP: Logged |
Dervish
Knowflake Posts: 328
From: California
Registered: Nov 2006
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posted March 31, 2008 09:21 AM
To me, it's not the divorce that does it so much as HOW the parents divorce, and generally act. Which is to say, it's not the divorce so much as the behavior. Are they honorable adults? If so, great, it doesn't matter. If not, it still doesn't matter. Separate honorably and with no undue drama, and I'd think it wouldn't be that big of a deal in the long term. At least I'm pretty sure it would've been that way with me. quote:
Kids of all ages have a great talent for blaming all of the problems in their families on themselves. It is fair to the kids for them to blame themselves on their parents own unhappiness?
Actually, PEOPLE of all ages have a great talent for this. Older people tend to be a bit more sophisticated (due to decades of practice), but that's about it. You could legitimately ask, "Should parents stick together for the kids until they blame and hate their kids for their own misery?" IP: Logged |
Azalaksh
Knowflake Posts: 6485
From: New Brighton, MN, USA
Registered: Nov 2004
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posted March 31, 2008 02:12 PM
I'm a single mom. Since I left my partner due to domestic violence when my son was only a year old, he never really knew his father.
I thought about remaining, so my boy could have a male role model, but I picked a very poor role model. It wasn't all bad, there were good times too, but there were also times when I feared for my life.Today my son is happy, into Science at school, is taking piano lessons and is a normal 12yo.
If I had stayed with his father, I could foresee that boundless Arien spirit and energy being crushed, his cheerful outlook turned sullen, with a buried rage growing daily.
Given their charts -- Aries and Capricorn to start off with -- it probably would have been a constant battle of wills, with my boy ending up the loser, building his resentment and rebellion. My boy is happy now -- free to be who he wishes. Sure he wonders about those odd male creatures: what they are and what they do  -- but he's had some male role models thru his life, and they were a thousand times better than his biological father. Separation worked for us. IP: Logged |
wheelsofcheese
Knowflake Posts: 208
From: UK
Registered: Jan 2008
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posted April 03, 2008 05:49 AM
"To me, it's not the divorce that does it so much as HOW the parents divorce, and generally act".Can't agree more Dervish. edited - too much. IP: Logged |
CancerianMoon
Knowflake Posts: 1082
From: Sydney, Australia. Cancer Sun.....Gemini Moon.....Aqua Rising
Registered: Aug 2003
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posted April 03, 2008 10:04 PM
Well said Dervish!! I agree wholeheartedly..
I think another issue for children is not just the blaming themselves(i never did) but feeling guilty because you love the other parent and want to know them and be a part of them... and i still feel it today... i still do what i feel i need to to know who i am(i met my dad to my mums and step dads despair) etc. but that feeling of guilt..especially to my mum...who i grew up with... she made it impossible to talk about my dad and even today if i mentioned him she would shut off...
Im a single parent and would never speak badly about their dads to them.. doing that makes the children feel that 1. they need to take sides 2. that part of who they are is bad.
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Lindaland
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