posted January 07, 2009 03:52 PM         

Like Glaucus, as of late, I have been doing some soul searching myself. I have often watched movies, listened to music lyrics, and read stories of how good women and men have cheated on their spouses or done things which has gone against the foundation of their marriages or unions. I have often wondered why people cheat.

Now first, lets define what most people consider cheating. Having any romantic interest in someone other than your spouse or SO. Having secret romantic phone, email, or text conversations with someone other than your spouse or SO. Having a romantic relationship of any kind with anyone else other than your spouse or SO. Having any type of physical relationship with someone other than your spouse or SO. I, and i'm sure the majority of you will agree that these things are all considered cheating.

Now back to the why. This is the billion dollar question. I have known a few couples where the two people were happy for some time and over time the relationship turned from sweet to just plain sour. I have noticed that the people, by nature, have often turned to sources outside their now sour relationship, to fill the voids created by their now defunct unions. Most of the time, one or both parties are genuinely good people whom under normal circumstances, just would not resort to infidelities of any kind.

Yet, they find themselves later down the road frequently involved in romantic situations with others who are NOT their SO, BEFORE the relationship is officially ended. This is VERY true for MANY couples that are married, and/or have children together, or own assets together. These people have to, on a constant basis, deal with issues of internal moral turmoil and guilt.

They often wonder why are they doing the things they are doing and if they are morally wrong for what they are doing. By all standards, these people are good-hearted people who normally wouldn't hurt a fly. This inherent goodness in them is what causes them to question themselves and who they are in order to better understand why they are doing what they are doing.

The guilt comes from knowing that they succumbed to doing that which they very much hate and wholeheartedly object to. In that moment when they have realized they have crossed that line and cheated. They start to wonder about themselves and who they are and if they are really bad people. This guilt eats at them all the time.

They think to themselves that they must officially end their current mess of a marriage or relationship in order to be able to start another, more promising union. But since they started one before the relationship is finally dissolved, the guilt and self-doubt eats at them. So they then begin a rationalization campaign to rationalize and justify their actions but they are never really comfortable with what they are doing even though they shouldn't.

Well, I am here to tell you all that I am one of those people. I am one of those people that absolutely abhors cheaters, cheating, and anything infidelity-wise. Yet, I find myself married for 6 years with 2 children to someone whom I have really grown away from. I found myself head over heals in love with her when we first got together and everything was sublime for a long time until that one night I caught her cheating. This was a few years back. I thought I could forgive her (and I have) and get over it. I forgave her, but I just can't get over it. I absolutely cannot forget what happened. This is not our only issue. It is just a bad relationship in general. We are at cross purposes.

We may get along Monday but rest assured we are arguing on Tues, Weds, Thurs, and Fri. Why am I still here? Well, I tried leaving. I left for 5 months during the summer of 2007. I felt so good and alive when we were broke up. Then, because I believe in giving people 2nd chances, we got back together. This was a raelly bad mistake as it was only good for the first two months. After that, everything was all down hill. I have tried absolutely EVERYTHING I could think of to make it work including marriage counseling (which SHE stopped going to after 3 sessinos).

Now, I find myself being one of those people who cheats and finds himself in a state of constant guilt. I have never physically cheated on my wife. I am guilty of the phone conversations and of developing romantic feelings for someone else other than her. The problem is, I cannot leave her yet. There are legal and financial dynamics at play here that prevent me from ending it right away.

What am I guilty for? For lying to her when she asks if I want a divorce and say no. For lying when she asks am I happy. For lying when she asks me am I in love with her. Go ahead. Call me a demon. The thing is, the last time I left her, she almost destroyed me. She illegally kept my children from me for 2 months. She ruined me financially. She had me paying $570 per week in child support when I barely made that much per week. She completely lied to the judge. She also got a bogus restraining order on me and had me arrested when I tried to see my daughter! Of course I was acquitted and the restraining order was dropped but this experience scared me schitless. I promised I would NEVER leave again unless my ducks were lined up in a row.

She now says that if I were to leave, she would not put me through any of that again. Well, one of my wife's problems is that she has a bad problem with lying and exaggerating. I made a promise to myself to save up enough money for a Car, Apartment, and Lawyer before I leave. This way, I have a place for my children when I have them and a car to get around. The money for the lawyer would be just in case she took me to court which I know she will.

And through all of this, through all her nonsense and BS, I still feel guilty as h3ll for developing feelings for another woman. In my mind and partially my heart, I feel totally justified but the rest of me feels what I am doing is wrong. I feel like I am sinking to her level. I have to often wonder am putting negative karma out there in the universe. I dunno. I feel lost, hurt, confused, angry, and like I am being pulled in a million different directions on the inside.

My only solace is knowing that I am genuinely a good person and that I am not trying to have my cake and eat it too.

This, minus my specific incidents, is what I think drives good people to cheat.

Go ahead now and tear me down and demonize me. Do I deserve it? I dunno. Maybe. Maybe I should wait till its officially over to pursue anyone. But damn, I can't help my heart sometimes for having feelings for someone.

Please, give me your insights, guidance, wisdom, and understanding here. Also, do you agree with the general premise of why I think good people are driven to cheat?

posted January 07, 2009 04:54 PM           

I understand how hard it is to be in your situation - not the cheating per say but having your children used as pawns.

As for your feelings at present, well with your astro make up i'm not surprised at you feel this way Virgo is self critical & you can send yourself into depression, Libra Moon OMG - will do anything to make the relationship "work" even if YOU are unhappy and Venus in Cancer LOL that dear sweet crazy little Cancer who would rather lose a claw than let go of a loved one (& frequently does)

posted January 07, 2009 07:44 PM         

I'm not one to talk, I just got a divorce as well, not so long ago - and I'm one of those people who doesn't even become attracted to another when I am very committed to someone, but right before I divorced, I became attracted left and right and knew it was my heart's way of saying, That's it. I'm done.
Because they weren't fleeting attractions, they felt deep and profound, and it was my heart's way of getting something it needed and had been starving for.

I'm sorry you're in such a bind!!

I was lucky because I didn't have kids, and wasn't married for long at all, and didn't ask for a penny from the divorce. But that doesn't mean I didn't get put through emotional wringer and get manipulated to hell. You know someone and then the second 'divorce' comes in, you see someone else emerge. No matter how simple and amicable I tried to make it, he insisted on making it even more difficult, hellish, and continues to even now that the divorce is legalized, when I am trying to get some of my own personal belongings out of his storage.

Had I really had something worth fighting for (kids, property, etc.), I would've gotten myself a lawyer, just like you should do in my honest opinion. Because no matter how long you stay, and how much of yourself you put in, all that sweet, good compassion you have is going to turn bitter and harden your soul and make the recovery process extremely difficult.

posted January 07, 2009 09:16 PM         

All this stuff said, don't let it lull you into the idea that it is right to cheat because it is not, you know first had how it hurts another person.(not to mention your own self worth)

Wait it out and divorce if you must. If no divorce then be whole hearted in your marriage. Don't do things by halves. One or the other. It's only fair.

In the end it just s**ks to be in your position.I think we are all entitled to our happiness, just not at the expense of others.

posted January 07, 2009 09:51 PM         

'Course if she catches you cheating, she'll have an easy rationalization to break her word of not repeating the drama (though I agree with you, she will regardless, in all likelihood).

posted January 07, 2009 10:48 PM         

quote:

---

Yet, I find myself married for 6 years with 2 children to someone whom I have really grown away from.

---

quote:

---

until that one night I caught her cheating.

---

quote:

---

I thought I could forgive her (and I have) and get over it. I forgave her,

---

quote:

---

but I just can't get over it. I absolutely cannot forget what happened.

---

quote:

---

This is not our only issue. It is just a bad relationship in general. We are at cross purposes.

---

posted January 07, 2009 11:49 PM         

good girl, you and I have the same house placements with Virgo Asc. Uranus is in my 7th house too and won't leave it until 2012!!!

I can't tell her the truth yet because if I did, it would be over and she would have the upper hand. I have to save up my pennies first,

posted January 08, 2009 12:23 AM         

Good idea to save pennies first. Get good advice and maybe a 2nd opinion too.

I loaned a great book that I never got back (drat) about Love & Relationships. It said that it's easier for children to adapt to a separation when they are younger. The older they get, the more difficult it becomes. The worst time to separate is when a child is around the 16-18 year old age. Then it takes that child from 10 to 15 years to get over the disadvantages of a parental break-up.

posted January 08, 2009 12:57 AM         

Then we met back up in 2001. She begged for another chance to prove that she changed and wanted to make it up to me for what she did. I accepted and we got together. That was a mistake in hindsight but I didn't know any better then.

I can talk to a lawyer no problem. Like I said though, I have to save up some money first which I have already started doing.

posted January 08, 2009 06:58 AM         

Me: No malice intended my dear. Just what lawyers make you do. You have my word I will never use anything in it against you and once you have signed it, it will be consigned to the dead files where it belongs. I wish you happiness in your future as I hope you do me. Let us get it over with and move on with good feeling between us"

2 minutes later....signed...

posted January 08, 2009 12:10 PM           

I was in a similar quandry several years ago. When I first separated from my ex he and I prided ourselves on our amiable split, however, he is such a manipulative man and I realized after awhile that he was working on others including my children and slowly but surely building their compassion and outraged support for him that in turn effectively started to cast me in a severely detrimental light. I thought, oh I'm angry but he'll eventually move on and he won't always be like this, after all I had left him with everything and also put a lot of time and effort into making frequent contact with the kids super easy, so easy that he could easily relinquish his care at a moment's notice and I would take up the slack.

Well, my whole world suddenly flipped, blew up and floated bits into far corners of the galaxy - well that is how it seemed. My ex met a woman, not just any woman - a woman who effectively I think of as the 'violent, bipolar criminal'. At first, I thought, 'YES! he has found someone, I am free, I will be very congenial and not in anyway be an obstacle to them.' She came in with no job, no licence, no money, no car, didn't have two of her children because she couldn't afford them and smoked and drank with her 15yr old and his friends. Had lost her licence due to drink driving, would light one cigarette off the last one - and worst of all had a mind like a maffia lord. Can you imagine my horror. No joke, she is truly a force - they have had continual horrendous domestics involving police and medical aid, she has been charged at one stage for beating me up when I finally sought a financial split which gave us 50/50, she has a history of domestic violence and substance abuse.

Do you think I could get my kids off them, no, because she and he are mind aces. They have a secure front and are clever arguers and also we leave in a large coastal region that has the highest number of people on social security in the state and hence the services are burdened with huge social problems. By a series of twists and turns, they have worked extremely hard to try and wipe me off the planet. She will never accept the fact that he had a marriage prior to her and he remains bitter. She and he continually manipulate anything at hand - they had no conscience for absolutely insane lying, they would plot, scheme, and were constantly up to something with the schools, social services, counsellors. Basically trying to build a case that I was an unfit mother and they get full custody and basically I see my kids for a few hours a week or something or not at all.

Wow, I was totally gobsmacked for years and in constant fear of losing my kids. Still I would try to be fair, however there were some really dark moments at times. My children were all 11 and below at the beginning. Anyhow after these years of never a dull moment, things little by little turned around. My three daughters eventually refused point blank to go there, under their own decisions. My son is still in week about and they still use this as much as they can. Amazingly, my children appear to be pretty resilient. Eventually, the various authorities wouldn't listen to the ex and his rottweiler.

For years I would see legal people get advice etc but it was like no one was listening to how shocking they were. In the end I just gave up and kind of resigned myself to the horribleness. I couldn't believe that I couldn't do anything about stuff - and they were such a united front when anything threatened their onslaught against me.

Whilst I've been through a 'dark night of the soul' I have also experienced amazing self development and also some amazing fortunate occurrences. I went from basically a state of nothing and my ownly wealth(my children)in jeopardy to being financially comfortable, and career prosperous.

Oh, btw, I hadn't cheated but I too was interested in someone else as an outlet from a disappointing relationship. I was never in private contact with the person and never pursued a relationship with them. I have had one brief involvement with someone that hiccuped along for awhile, and have probably had opportunities for others but just couldn't be bothered.

One thing tho, I have never regretted the split, why, because I have seen how someone who had supposedly cherished me once could have no qualms in trying to obliterate me.

posted January 08, 2009 04:51 PM           

Play it cool with the other woman until you are free from this marraige - then in your mind and hers it will be clear that this was about your relationship ending, you and her and no one else. If she (the other friend) cares about you she will understand and wait while you do what you need to do. If she (your wife)gets wind of it, she can use it to turn the kids against you or make it all about the other woman, and it isn't, or shouldn't be. It is a short period of time and if you focus on what you need to do it will pass quickly and you will come through unscathed. If you can hold on and wait it out and do this the right way, you will feel like the winner here and not the bad guy. If you can't wait to leave to begin a relationship with this other individual, you might end up looking like the bad guy to your children and it is very important that they do not lose respect for you, because then it will be hard to respect yourself and very hard to get back once gone.

and remember this - when you find yourself with your hand in the lions jaw, sudden moves will cause that lion to clamp down and you lose part of your hand. When in any sticky situation you move slowly and deliberately and work your way out of the situation and hopfully come out whole. you must think about every action and act with deliberation.

we are alll human, but in certain situations, and especailly where there are children involved, you need to consider many things. Maintaining respect of your children is a biggie.

Don't make your marraige ending about something it isn't. That could really hurt you in the long run.

posted January 08, 2009 05:47 PM           

feel like "why do they make this all such a chore" and it's so embarassing to seem like you can't communicate and work things out for peace and good care of the children.

posted January 08, 2009 06:25 PM         

Did you really have to point out it won't leave until 2012!!!??? Uuugghhh!!!

posted January 08, 2009 06:32 PM         

quote:

---

praecipua
Knowflake
Posts: 814
From: france
Registered: Aug 2007
posted January 08, 2009 12:45 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
fister oflegend, bu*gger off

---