posted January 24, 2006 11:10 AM              

i dont want to sound preaching but be sure that life isn't something to loose just bcos someone doesn't love you . ( you are not sure here of it ,even )
i always knew cancers were idiots ,never knew we had some partners too !

cheer up and dont ever dare to think of your life as unimportant .

your thread just made me wonder ,how cancers would coup up with such a situation ?
in my case , i have been able to deatch myself from everyone who ditched me , it was hard but i did it . so if a emotional idiot cancer can do it . why can't you ?
you are a smart gem , ain't you !

posted January 24, 2006 12:32 PM              

my second relationship was fun but he described me as an 'emotional mess' and didnt want to be around me when i needed emotional support.
i had to let him go because he was worsening my emotional state by describing me as mentally insane.
(however we are still fiends)

this time around i have fallen really low
i am really desprate to be loved,...i want to be in love i want him to want me the same way.
there is no other happiness in life other that to be loved madly and dearly..
u can call me insane, for i only want to be loved dearly...

what did i see in him that made me so crazy...
he shared the same insanity, the same desprateness to be loved by someone, the same emotional needs.. in short he was my dream, he still is..

i thank each and every one who has replied to my post..i have re read all the replies (mama mia,lovly,salisa,cappy,alma noble,aj,sg,hc and all of u )4 to 5 times..
i just couldnt hold back my feelings and wanted to let them out...

(swerve ur words are always very deep n beautiful, i know they are real and come straight from ur heart.

cancerrg thanks for letting me join
'the idiot cancer & partners club'..
i was emotionaly too much for my scorpion but some how felt on the same wave lenght with my cancerian.
thanks for ur reply.

posted January 24, 2006 01:21 PM              

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

You are typical of someone who is co-dependent. You have had your feelings neglected or abused or manipulated since you were a child and this has made you naturally find other ways to compensate. The yearning you feel for this guy is actually your inner child crying out for recognition and love.

The only people you are likely to be attracted to are those you subconsciously know will NOT fulfill your needs. Why? To validate your early experiences and try to go through them with a more desirable conclusion.

You have got HABITS not CHARACTERISTICS that impede your ability to love in an even manner, with self-respect and unconditional love for yourself the motivational factors in your relationships.

In essence, you are abusing yourself by putting yourself in these situations as you have been abused in your youth.

You will need to be brave and face the fact that SOMETHING ISN'T WORKING. If something doesn't work, fix it. Or find someone who can show you a better way to do it. Be it, relationships, building self-esteem or just plain loving yourself enough.

There are tons of resources on the internet that can give you a new perspective on how you see yourself and the situations you actively seek out to SURVIVE IN THE ONLY WAY YOU HAVE EVER KNOWN HOW.

Now you need to find new way, and really it all boils down to finding the only person who can change all this....you.

How do I know all this?

I am co-depenedant. There are a lot of us.

Get a membership card! We can learn together.

None of this is your fault, your view of the world and yourself was created before you were old enough to be objective and reject the world as it was being presented to you through the distorted perceptions of failed minds and people who really should have known better.

You are a ball of shame, guilt, not loving yourself and anger on some level (internal or external).

Its a serious thing to face it, but a very very fixable position. You ARE emotionally unstable....why wouldn't you be?

Were you born that way? Nope. You were taught to be by your experience.

Now grab yourself by the scruff of your neck and devote every iota of strength and love to giving all of your time to developing yourself into the person you want to be.

Your Cancer simply mirrored some of your pain, and seemed to be "on your level". He probably was, he has been damaged by experience somewhere along the line too.

Hardly a match made in Heaven right?

Focus on you, you and you. No-one and nothing else should be important to you right now. That little kid inside has been neglected for too long, give it a break and a little love will ya?

posted January 24, 2006 02:28 PM              

We also have more than our fair share of dumb-arses and idiots too, I have to warn you.

posted January 25, 2006 02:48 PM            

Things in life can make you feel so stupid sometimes just for acting human. It isn't wrong to want open up your heart to people and want them badly but I guess there's always a chance you'll get burnt.
I know the utter desolation you're getting at, not feeling joy about anything cos the one thing you truly want, you can't have. It is terrible and you can't understand it until you experience it. Worse if you're in the middle of studying Virgil's The Aneid Book IV. I think I'm the only one in class who is possibly crazier than Dido. Okay well I haven't come onto to anyone's son, but still.

The only way I have managed to come out of it is by chance. I went back to school, new term. I spoke with people and poured out my heart til there was nothing else I could say and I cried myself to sleep many nights. I still might cry today or tomorrow cos there's no resolution yet, but being around people helps. Having things to do. Even if you hate what you're doing, it's something at least. You might keep going over things in your mind and that's okay, cos eventually you'll find there is no solution or simple answer and have to realise that all you're thinking about is just a fragment of the past. Sounds w***y I know, but sadly true.

posted January 25, 2006 02:55 PM            

Again, I have a similar problem. I'm 15 and I've never had a boyfriend or a kiss or anyone be remotely interested in me and I felt so gut-tearingly lonely. So then he tells me I'm not ugly, I'm attractive and suddenly someone I adored so much likes me back. It's an awful and wonderful situation at the same time. So you know, the first person I've ever adored takes away my insecurities and stops the lonliness only to bring it all back when things don't work out. You know... anyone shows me affection and I'm their slave.

posted January 26, 2006 05:33 PM              

I would boil the whole co-dependency thing down to this.

"You haven't got the ability to love and nurture yourself adequately and look for this outside of yourself, by whatever means neccesary and permanently scared of loss and abandonment."

To beat this? Look at where your ability to take care of yourself has been impeded, thwarted and distorted. Learn what it is that you want others to fulfill that you cannot do for yourself and STOP.

The next step is the hardest. Basically, you must parent yourself and nurture yourself until you never need anybody to fulfill you again, you can want someone but not NEED them. When you are happy with yourself and your own company in your brightest and darkest moments, then everything else is a bonus that gives more colour to life but never becomes the soul motivation for living and enjoying life.

We are born alone and we die alone. I don't find this morbid I find it natural. Those who share our lives are there for the ride, they should never drive our car.

Ironically, you will have far more to offer a potential mate from this position.

And DTG, how are you darling?

posted January 27, 2006 09:32 AM            

DTG, I guess I can empathize with you. Well not really empathize, I'm young right now, but probably in a small scale like MNF. The thing I've learnt is that we all have our dreams, desires and fantasies. We all dream about knights in shining armour saving us from the horrible world of loneliness.

But one lesson I've learnt through life is we've to help ourselves. We need to pick up our peices and move on. Another mistake we make is that we think our earlier experiences make up our future. It does to a certain extent, but we can always break the pattern. If I was lonely since when I was a kid. I can break the pattern and do something different. You need courage to do that.

Let me tell you, you wont feel fully secure unless you learn to love yourself fully and are secure with yourself. That means to let go of dependancy. You don't have to need him to be happy. You want him sure. But you should let go of needing him. Don't make him to be any greater than he is. He's a guy, not a superhero.

Right now, just let yourself experience these emotions, but I can guarentee you the fact that someday you'll laugh about this. You will get over him. Right now it seems impossible. It is going to be slow. But day by day you'll become less sad. You'll do other things. You'll find different interests and you'll change. Just like how you got over your first and second boyfriends. It wont happen suddenly but very gradual, like you'll go on for 5 hours without thinking of him at all one day. You'll mature and grow, we all do.

You've to get over the need for being *needed*. You shouldn't feel so insecure about being lonely because its impossible.

I have this silly theory but anyways I'll tell you. There are like 10 trillion guys in this world. About 10 billion would be your age and 3 to 4 years above. About 5 billion wont be dating. From that 5 billion, like 1 lakh will be living in your country. Out of that 1 lakh, You'll probably be able to know or meet like 1000 people. Out of that you'll like 100 people atleast. Out of that atleast 40 people are bound to like you. So see you've 40 guys to choose from . No need to feel as if you're going to be lonely forever. Sorry if my advice is stupid.

posted January 27, 2006 01:50 PM            

Sad thing is, it is so hard not to long for that person and think the world of them. I've just found out the lovely perfect gorgeous guy I like is probably also a b******. So many women I know are getting messed around by guys so I'm being forced into having a pretty jaded view at the moment and he's not doing much to redeam my view of mankind.

posted January 27, 2006 03:04 PM              

If the lowlifes are having their day during Venus Retrograde, imagine how us lot will have it so much better when things right themselves.

Venus will express herself through our love. We should look for people like ourselves.

Imagine that, actually going out with the kind of people you find here. That would be nice.

Shame most of you are over the Pond really.

posted January 28, 2006 03:54 AM              

As CappyMe said, there are a minimum of 40-50 guys to choose from who are as good if not better than this bloke.

Write down what is great about this guy.
What has he contributed or will contribute to humanity that he should deserve your obssesive love?
Does he donate blood?
Does he work for the underprivileged?
Has he donated cash to important causes?
Does he teach people to empower themselves?
Can he be a world class athlete?
Can he be a pioneering scientist?
Can he raise a child to be a responsible adult?
Can he look after his spouse if she is bedridden for a week?
*WILL HE TAKE A BULLET FOR YOU?

Objectively assess the boy this way. If he is not much of the above and is just a male doll in looks/voice, then you have a choice of 400000-500000 good looking boys in Central Asia, Russia, Kashmir, Brazil and Australia. If he is some sort of sex god, then a tantra manual can make any other man into a better sex god.

Maybe he is really pathetic and is just feeding off your admiration. Step back and just love yourself more, you will get a much better deal in life.

Thirdly, life in the present is a sum total of past life impusles. If you feel this way, you may have made someone else feel this way in numerous past lives. So forgive yourself and forgive others who make you feel bad to help you burn off these karmic impulses.

Last but not the least, keep writing when you feel down, never hold things inside, they cause illnesses and unnecessary negative impulses to harm self. LOVE THY SELF!!!!!

posted January 28, 2006 02:39 PM            

Gemini... Two years is too long to still feel that much pain. Satisfy the part of yourself that believes he has "cast a spell" on you by doing a meditation/ceremony where you Claim Your Soul Back. Take back the part of you that you have given to him and be whole again. Remind yourself that he has no control over your thoughts or feelings, unless you allow him to. Then spend some time thinking about the bad times instead of the good times. Those things will break the mental and emotional connection enough that you can move on with your life and get your focus back on your own growth and well-being.

Claim your Power back and GET MAD, girlfriend. How DARE he take away that much of your life without giving back equally? And tell yourself the same thing... how can you allow him to take away your life force and essence!?!?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, "love and forgiveness." But that doesn't mean you should be a passive doormat or sacrifice yourself as food to ONE guy. If he was worthy of you, he would have had the strength to stick with you. Put your focus back to creating a You that is worthy of the man you REALLY WANT.
Seriously, girlfriend... you can skip through life in Disney Princess mode, singing with the birds and loving everyone - yes, more power to All Princesses everywhere... but when something is chewing on your leg, you have to KICK IT OFF, girl. When something attaches a drag line and weight to your leg and it's taking all of your strength to keep your head above water... and you are starting to feel like just giving up and going under... CUT THE ROPE for God's sake. And I do mean, for "God's" sake. You are a powerful spiritual being, beautiful girl, and don't you forget it.

posted January 29, 2006 12:19 PM              

quote:

---

I have this silly theory but anyways I'll tell you. There are like 10 trillion guys in this world. About 10 billion would be your age and 3 to 4 years above. About 5 billion wont be dating. From that 5 billion, like 1 lakh will be living in your country. Out of that 1 lakh, You'll probably be able to know or meet like 1000 people. Out of that you'll like 100 people atleast. Out of that atleast 40 people are bound to like you. So see you've 40 guys to choose from . No need to feel as if you're going to be lonely forever. Sorry if my advice is stupid.

---

GREAT !!!!!!!!!

but the problem is 10 trilloion guys!

gem: just go with what you feel like . give yourself a chance ,give him a chance . rest is all fate ! goodluck!