posted May 17, 2007 08:45 AM              

I've been there, its horrible.

However, until you put your adult in control and continue to seek understanding and sympathy for your plight you are in fact just enabling yourself.

Firm doesn't equal mean, it doesn't have to. You just have to assure yourself that you ARE strong and ARE worth the internal remastering needed to overcome your issues.

Compassion is an incredibly important factor, but the expression of that compassion is even more important.

I don't believe in "tough love", but I do believe in "real self love".

Flowers and hearts will not beat this for you. Realism, honesty with yourself and the bravery to make REAL change, PERMANENT change is what will.

Whatever you have been through, you are capable of living quite happily again, but you can only feel what you believe is true.

Shifting you paradigm can be so scary that it seems easier to fall back into your own self-created well of pity again. Seeking sympathy and "understanding" is only laying bedding and pillows in the water to make your stay more comfortable.

Climb out! Face the world as it is, and say.....I can handle it...

posted May 17, 2007 09:26 AM            

It was sometimes just as simple yet (hard) as looking around me objectively, and really seeing all the things I was blessed with. Really looking at others and seeing how fortunate I am, then turning my view inside and finding the root of my depression and working to either rid myself of it, or correct it.

posted May 17, 2007 09:50 AM              

Random thoughts:
hmm?
SELFISH = Fishing for ones self
SELFLESS = Less of ones self

Fishing requires patience, preserverance, skill, and a bit of luck

-so change these selfish thoughts you have by using the above attributes in combination with thinking more of others, less of self.

Help the homeless as an example, to discover how truly blessed you are, how appreciative others are of you, and your kindness.

Recognize your worth by thinking of others and feeling the love grow within. This is most healing and you may actually discover others on this enlightning path, interested in sharing a disease free life with you.

Become a foster parent or part of a mentor program to recognize clearly that your being, does make a difference on this earth.

Let go of the past and work on the future. Otherwise your life is in fact worthless [By your own choice] So make the choice to make life.... "LIFE", not Lifeless.

{{{ PLEASE RE-READ THE ABOVE }}}

posted May 17, 2007 11:25 AM              

I think I can imagine how you feel. Ive been there myself..a couple of weeks ago I tried killing myself; The only reason why I didn't do it its because I was scared of somebody saving me, of somehow staying alive, I was afraid of living more than dying. I cried so much. Nothing made sense. I couldn't find my purpose in life. Everything just sucked. 2 other kids killed themselves at my college, I guess I got lucky..I went to talk to a counselor and they sent me to a mental health hospital. I broke up with ym boyfriend, I realized he was doing me more wrong than right, but it still hurts. I had to withdraw from college this semester. Im at home now..the place Ive been trying to run away from...
Its been hard- but don't give up. Yea the world sucks, but you've still got yourself so be selfish Who gives a **** !. Do what you want to do, take a break! Live for yourself a little bit..because the times are hard and they are probably going to get harder.. **** everything! Just love yourself and do what you have got to do to make youself happy..

posted May 17, 2007 02:13 PM              

I'm in the throes of what is probably a serious mood problem that needs rebalancing, and several times people have said to me that I ought to take some sort of medication - Prozac, pot, you name it. I was on Prozac for about a month in my early twenties - it made me very compliant and I fitted in extremely well with other people's agendas, because I just didn't get angry or sad. To be honest I felt like a zombie and I wanted the old me back, so didn't go on meds again - because what I knew (the real me) was easier for ME PERSONALLY to accept than the chemically altered me. The toss-up is whether I choose in the long term to retain the real me - with moods going up one minute and down the next, and the creativity that is in part fostered by it - or do the other thing.

Most of the time I actually do not whine, and people say how calm I am, because I seem completely normal. I have learned to keep my temper instead of exploding spontaneously as I used to, but it comes out in other ways. I will brood on something for a while and then write it down in such a stinging fashion that it alienates people, and they see me as angry and vicious, and almost can't believe that I can be like this, where I was so pleasant the moment before. Yes, a lot of the time I am pleasant and upbeat, BUT I also have this incredibly bleak side - it's not chronic, but acute. I am also so paranoid I don't trust a lot of people, my mantra is "guilty until proven innocent" ...I bombard them with questions, I need to be in total control of the situation. I am so paranoid I almost can't live with myself, and that is when I regress into "inner child", perhaps almost an "animal" status, and everything seems like a black maelstrom. I won't say I get depressed exactly, I just feel incredibly aggressive, I get angry so easily, and I don't know why.

Yes, I do actually have friends, believe it or not (!) BUT I don't want to burden them with my problems, because quite frankly people don't want to hear them most of the time.

posted May 17, 2007 02:23 PM            

quote:

---

I feel the need to metaphorically slaughter the opposition or anything that stands in my way. I don't know...for a woman, this level of aggression is probably unnatural?

---

posted May 17, 2007 02:29 PM            

Start to think of your chart as an energy system. Energy isn’t right or wrong. Energy is. Energy HAS to be used up or it leaks out and gets rather messy. The point of Saturn going through Leo is to get you to love your chart and learn how to love to use your energy in a new way. If you actually THINK about it, you wouldn’t go giving your stuff to someone else to use however they wanted to! Why do you give other people your chart to use however they want to? That is what Saturn has been trying to teach you for the past couple of years. You own your chart. You’re thrilled, excited and passionate about something, no matter WHAT other people think about it. So take your chart back and guard it like the precious jewel it is. YOU are in charge of your chart and what it does and how it shows up in the world. You are in charge of YOU. Chiron stationing this week is going to point that out loud and clear. Pay attention and get ready!

Give HD a holler, Xena -- he has some good stuff (Liz Greene) on Projection. Projection is having other people live out parts of ourselves that we don't want to claim as our own (as Anne Ortelee also wrote about above).
Swerve has already written about Expectations -- I think they might be the key for you to alter your perspective.

posted May 17, 2007 04:04 PM              

Xena- I know what you mean when you say you don't want to bother your friends, thats exactly what happened to me, I used to bottle everything in and I exploded big time a couple of weeks ago. Try writing things down, if you are getting frustrated take a walk, listen to some music maybe?..I mean at least you are talking to us, which is great and you can whine as much as you want to!..Just don't bottle things in..its really not healthy..

posted May 17, 2007 04:22 PM              

How are you doing today?
I think, when people reach this point, they feel like they cannot bear to deal with this life anymore, it's too much, and you say, that's it, enough is enough, I'm taking control..
Everything we endure, is for a reason, and I believe it's the Season to know..
it's 2007 = 27 The Sceptre, Karmic reward after much Soul Testing
= 9 Mars, Life Force Energy
you Birthday is Tomorrow the 18th
= 9

Happy Birthday, and make a Special Wish,
so your Dreams may COme True..

Realize you have much Happiness to go through in the Future, COming right UP, just one more hurdle, your almost there. ...

posted May 17, 2007 06:31 PM            

Lets face it.. alot of people feel like this all the time.. No matter what happens only you have the power to bring yourself out of this.. or you can drown in your sorrows.. its your choice. The world owes you nothing, countr your blessings and take nothing for granted. It could be alot worse.. and dont get drunk and punch someone karma will catch up to you and will make life shittier for you. and dont kill yourself either that is a very selfish thing to do. and while it seems like a simple solution, it will prove to be you worst decision of your life. and something has to change.. if you want to see the better in life. or you can just stay the same way and expect things to get better... but I wouldnt.. There are a few aspects maybe you should look at.. go to astro and read there descriptions..

Sun Opposing Uranus

Mercury Opposing Neptune

Moon opposing ASC

Jupiter square Neptune

Mars Square Pluto

Saturn square pluto

... and lets not forget your Chiron in Aries with your to help with the negative effects of your Sun and Mercury in Aries..

CHIRON IN ARIES
Deep wound to your sense of self. Can be physical abuse, wound or deformity. Feeling of worthlessness. You strive to assert yourself. Can be self-sabotaging. Never feel good enough.

Suggestion: Make a list of areas your life in which you do feel worthy. Identify your true value and how that serves you and others. Keep listing until your Heart opens to loving yourself. Don't give up. Also, list the ways in which others' 'bad' treatment of you has helped you to learn how to assert yourself and to value yourself more. Again, keep listing until your Heart opens to them and to yourself for experiencing the lesson.

The Gift: The acknowledgement of your true worth, loved for who you are inside. The universe loves you just for being who you are.

... sry for the harsh love...

I wish the best for you.. Prayers and thoughts!

"Dont worry... be Happy"

-Bob Marley

"Even if things get heavy we'll all float on ok"
-Modest Mouse

~Kevin

posted May 17, 2007 07:17 PM              

quote:

---

There was no pain. No fear, no doubt. Till they pulled me out of Heaven. So that's my refrain. I live in Hell. 'Cuz I've been expelled from Heaven. I think I was In Heaven. So, give me something to sing about. Please Give me something…

---

quote:

---

Life's not a song. Life isn't bliss. Life is just this. It's living. You'll get along. The pain that you feel. You only can heal by living. You have to go one living. So one of us is living

---

posted May 17, 2007 07:25 PM              

I entirely understand your paranoia.
If we doubt others, keep them at arm's length and barricade our hearts, then at least it's safe and not risking more pain, more humiliation, right?
It's scary as *uck, to be sure.

posted May 17, 2007 08:10 PM              

I don't know how old you are Xena, but I take it you are very young since you feel that people live too long anyway. Trust me, when and IF you allow yourself to be older you will think that life is much too short. That remark was insensitive to the older people on the boards here at LL.

I can see the frustration of others here regarding your post. It's not that are insensitive people it's just that about every other week or so someone is coming on the threads here threatening to oft themselves. It gets tiring and this is, as some said, an astrology forum here. Not a suicidal hot line.

I think it's dangerous to give people such as yourself amateur psychological advise online so it's kind of putting people on the spot to want them to help when they really are not trained to know how to do that without risking making matters worse.

If you truly have suicidal feelings you need to consult a professional psychologist or at least call a suicide hot line and talk to trained people about it. Those people might be more helpful.

Hippiechick, I agree with what you said about suicide not being painless. It never is and especially for those close to a person who commits suicide.

posted May 17, 2007 08:19 PM            

You've got a few transits on that aren't helping your angst:

Uranus conjunction Descendant: More arguments

Mid April 2007 until beginning of March 2008: This influence brings about disturbing close encounters with others. Relationships in general will be a significant challenge, and you won't even be able to take the old reliable ones for granted. Other people seem to be trying to disrupt your life and make you uneasy.

Marriage is the most intimate one-to-one encounter, and any hidden tensions, any problems that either of you has been holding back will come out now. Consequently your marriage may go through some rather startling changes. If it has not been working out but you have been holding it together anyway, this influence may very well signify its breakup. Even in a good relationship you may have more arguments and disagreements than usual. This applies as well to two people living together. A business partnership may also be affected in a similar way. Clearly this is a time when you have to do a lot of straightening out.

Other types of confrontations may also be quite disturbing at this time. For example, you may become involved in very disruptive legal disputes. Settle these as quickly as possible, because you will not be able to count on the outcome of any legal confrontation at this time, no matter how good it looks. Be careful of acting in a way that stirs people up against you, for they could become extremely disruptive, if you give them any excuse.

This influence indicates a general reworking of your relationships with others, and you may not always be happy about the outcome. In general, others are resisting your efforts to control the relationship, which you may be doing in spite of your best intentions. But your partner will not ask that the relationship be totally destroyed unless you are so rigid and unwilling to change that there seems no other way out. All your partner wants is to redefine the relationship so that he has a greater say and more room to move. It is possible that these effects may work the other way, that you are the one who is struggling to gain control in a relationship. In either case, the relationship has to express each of you more appropriately than in the past.

Jupiter conjunction IC: Your inward needs

End of January 2007 until beginning of October 2007: This is a time for expansion and growth in your innermost personal life, a time when you will seek security at home and with your immediate family. It may be necessary to reexamine your past life to find out what it can teach you about yourself. But this should not be a source of anxiety. In fact, you should feel quite good about what you learn at this time. Your parents may be able to assist you considerably in this process.

The symbolism of this influence is that you incorporate more and more of the outer world into your innermost life. Certainly it would be a good expression of this symbolism to improve your existing home and make it more comfortable.

At this time you should do everything to ensure that your personal life is as comfortable and secure as possible. You need to have a feeling of inner peace and security in order to continue to move out in the world. In fact you should not think so much about outward success now as about the more personal and inward needs that we have discussed here.

This is the time to tie up any loose ends in your personal life, straighten out any relationships that are not working well, any leftovers from your past life that are still affecting the present adversely. To do this you may have to speak to others very openly about yourself and your innermost thoughts.

So this is a good time to settle and put down roots. The feeling of belonging to a place and a group of people is very important to you now. You don't have to do this in a way that limits your freedom of movement, and during this time it is very unlikely that you will do so. But everyone needs a solid home base so that they can feel at peace in their other activities. If you don't make an effort to construct such a base now, you will have difficulty later when your principal concerns are turning elsewhere.

Why do you think you might be so conflicted?? You say you want to give up and throw in the towel, but then you also want to slaughter the opposition……

You write about your mother: “She was an absolute b*tch to me as a child and divested me of any grain of trust I might have in humanity.” Xena, you’ve been away from mum for a long time now. As an adult it’s up to you to either undo or reconcile with the bad stuff you endured as a child. I don’t expect you to trust everyone, but **most** of the people in the world are not like your mum and we are worthy of your trust – give us a chance to prove ourselves before you wrap yourself in that security blanket of “guilty until proven innocent” – a safe blanket, but by God it’s a lonely blanket. You are **safe** from hurt when you keep your heart locked up and shielded, but you also pass your days by yourself. YOU are responsible for the way your life goes, from this moment on. You can decide to remain a victim, bombarding potential friendships/relationships with questions (hurdles to jump before you let them in), or you can decide to open up, a little at a time, and give people the chance to be friends instead of them enduring the scrutiny and the weighing and the judgments.

Your tNN just crossed your Descendent awhile ago, moving your “path” from the Other-Directed hemisphere of your chart to the Inner-driven hemisphere. This is the perfect time to work on your perceptions and regain control of your Life Compass, especially with Jupiter just past your IC…..

posted May 17, 2007 08:27 PM              

It is important that you have some interests that take the focus off yourself, particularly in terms of obsessive thinking.

Personally I find that when I am becoming too introspective it's time to start exercising! This probably sounds a bit glib considering your emotional state, but believe me there is nothing better than exercise to expend energy that can otherwise be internalised. It will also get your chi energy working, so that you start feeling more assertive in other ways too.

I just wanted to clear up some other things that I've read during this... firstly... Xena said that "by the time I'm 36..." not that she is 36.

Xena, on the topic of age, I suggest you hang in there and see how you feel when you're in your late 30s and 40s. Personally I feel that my 40s will be the most powerful of my life (I'm 41 now). The time when I can use what I've learnt and pass on that experience to others. Believe me getting old has many rewards, wisdom and life experience being just a start.

It seems that you are caught in a state of mind or pattern of thinking about yourself that is very dangerous. It also seems that your inner child is desperate to be heard and healed. I would be inclined to seek a good psychotherapist and work through the issues that are keeping you stuck where you are and preventing you from seeing things from a higher perspective. From the things you've revealed you have been through some very painful experiences and we can't always heal these issues by ourselves, even if we understand them mentally. It is very important to resolve the issues that are preventing you from being empowered and feeling good about yourself, which will ultimately help you feel better about the people around you.

Remember, everything in our lives that happens to us, is as a result of our own thinking. Energy follows thought. We attract to us what we think about and we attract situations that reflect our emotional state.

If you are constantly thinking about getting sexual diseases, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but guess what... you're going to attract that. That is why it is very important to readjust the way you are thinking, and if you can't do that yourself, you need to get professional help.

On that subject, I'm not the slightest bit surprised men are getting "peculiar" when you are suggesting that something might be amiss and that they get checked out by a doctor! Men are particularly sensitive when it comes to the appearance of their genitals, so suggesting something might be amiss is probably not a great idea (and definitely a romance killer) :-)

Take care Xena.

posted May 17, 2007 09:43 PM            

with all do respect I never said that depression was or was not a chemical inbalance and even if it was or wasnt people will always possess the power to heal themselves in these situations. Its not that they cant help themsleves its all a matter of wether they really want to or not. I was simply trying to offer some insights into her birth chart that could explain what could be causing Xena's problems and how she could counter them (both astrologically and not).

I believe the timeless saying " Mind over Matter " applies to this topic.

Im not exactly sure how I wasnt makings things better.. but atleast I was trying.

Alanbelle and Dew good posts..

Xena,

I agree with you when you say you felt like a zombie when you were on prozac. and I dont think you should take any meds. I never would. your not yourself on them, just like you wouldnt be yourself on any other drug. While I have no problem with you posting on this forum its good that you are reaching out in some way for guidance. but you said you also have friends.. and you shouldnt think of bombarding your freinds with your problems.. thats not what you are doing.. thats what "FRIENDS" are for isnt it? to be there for us... to help us when we need them the most! With patience and your will power all in good time this rough obstacle will pass..
Xena .. I wish the best for you and God bless!

~Kevin

posted May 18, 2007 07:59 AM              

A little poem I found...:

Mother to Son
by Langston Hughes

posted May 18, 2007 08:06 AM              

A time comes in your life when you finally get it ... when, in the midst of
all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out "ENOUGH!" Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on.
And like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to
subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.
You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety, and security to come galloping over the next horizon.
You come to terms with the fact that you are neither Prince Charming nor Cinderella. And that, in the real world, there aren't always fairy-tale endings (or beginnings, for that matter).
And that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you ... and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself ... and in the process, a sense of new-found confidence is born of self-approval.
You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it's not always about you.
So you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself ... and in
the process, a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and overlook their shortcomings and human frailties ... and in the process, a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.
And you begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you
begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the differences between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with ... and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.
You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is
power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering
through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not outdated
ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation
upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the
world and that you can't teach a pig to sing.
You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and
that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away.
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would
have them be. You stop trying to control people, situation, and outcomes.
And you learn that alone does not mean lonely.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing
things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK, and that it is your
right to want things and to ask for the things you want ... and that
sometimes it is necessary to make demands.
You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love,
kindness, sensitivity, and respect ... and you won't settle for less.
And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect.
You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you
take more time to rest.
And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you
deserve ... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working towards making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need
direction, discipline, and perseverance.
You also learn that no one can do it all alone ... and that it's OK to risk
asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself.
You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a
cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think
you deserve, and that bad things sometimes happen to unsuspecting, good people.
On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life
happening.
And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state ... the ego.
You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Slowly you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you
make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire.
Hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.
Keep smiling, keep trusting, and stay open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally, with courage in your heart , take a stand, a deep breath, and begin to design as best you can the life you want to live.

posted May 18, 2007 08:36 AM            

We all go through rough patches in life.. I wouldn't read some of the critical things that have been said.. because I think this is a time you should keep optimistic. Isn't there anything at all you could start doing that would make you feel better? You need something to get excited about or to aim for.. something to reignite that fire.

It's all about taking action with Mars in Aries - I'm sure you'll have loads of energy.. Try to channel it into something positive. That’s what I’m trying to do. Obviously, I don't know enough about your life to give more specific advice.. but everyone has something that relaxes them or makes them feel good – so do more of that..

The main reason people seem to get suicidal is that they think no one cares.. and that’s usually not the case at all. People don’t all express affection in the same way.. That doesn’t mean they don’t care. Maybe they just don’t know how to else to show it.

I’ve always really liked your personality online. I used to be Lauren btw, in case you don’t know why the heck I’m saying that lol It takes a strong person to go through - the relationship situation - you were in a while ago, and come out on top.. and I definitely think you are that strong person