posted May 18, 2007 09:14 AM            

Please do not comment as to the suicidal mind unless you have personal experience with it, that is you have tried yourself or a love one has and has succeded.

Like I said in my first post, if someone really wants to kill him/herself he/she will, in crying out an individual is asking for help. Usually those that commit suicide cry out for a long time before they do it, either in actions, mammerisms or words.

You can not imagine what it takes to actually take your own life!!!!! It is a far from "weak" action and the ego has nothing to do with it!!!

True suicidal people have fallen into the depths of despair that people like you and I who are online will likely never reach, merely for the fact that we are online----The individual who is seriously considering suicide is crafty about it and gets the job done...

And I can talk because I have personal experience with a suicide intent that manifested....

posted May 18, 2007 09:32 AM              

I don't think I have spoken to you here at LL before. Although I've heard of your name.

I've run your chart at Astro.com.

I see an intense person, a deep thinker, with immense potency inside and mysteries surrounding the self, family issues, one's roots and self-identity, to be solved; I see a person with tremendous strength. I see a person who has suffered beyond the average person's imagination. I see a person who's about to have not very comfortable transits coming along now, but with all her might, once she sets her mind into it, she can overcome it and conquer this thing called fate.

I see a person with a lot to give, a lot to offer to humankind. I see a person who deserves respect, and will gain such respect one day, as long as she wants it.

Life doesn't need to have a meaning. Life doesn't need to have a point.

You seem a profound philosopher to me. Are you interested in yourself just as intensely as you are in others? If you are, go for it, girl! What if there are more mysteries about your own origins, your own true family history and your own true ancestries to come, and you say goodbye to this world before you get the chance to examine those mysteries about yourself? And the chances are, you are THAT close!

If there's no point in life, why staying alive?

I can't give you an answer as that wouldn't be your answer. Right now, I have to admit that I don't really have anything enlightening to say, but I'm trying to come up with something.

Well, I'd say- Because there is no point in my life, I am going to give my life a point. I am going to create a point for my life. I hate all those people who've been hurting me. I hate them. I don't want to just let them get away with hurting me. If I give up on myself now and die, and let them be happy that I'm dead, I won't let that happen. I want revenge. I want to avenge myself. I am going to live. I am going to defeat whatever is trying to defeat me. My revenge...is to live. I will survive, I will live, I will stay alive, I will stay in this terrible world because this is the only way I can avenge myself. And I am also going to do something about my own life and my own surroundings to make a difference, and this time, I know I am going to prove to myself that I can defeat this thing called life, I can defeat this thing called fate, I can defeat all this pain or all this numbness and oblivion, all this feeling or all this lack of feeling, and I am going to transform. This is my declaration, I am not going to give myself up, because there are things about myself that I have not yet learned, and I must find out about them. Before I die I must get to know the real me, the whole of me, whatever about myself that is hidden from me. And I will not die by 36 or before 36, because it is exactly because this world sucks, and the people closest to me suck, I feel like shite, and I do know one thing- I am going to turn the whole situation upside down. I am. I will prove to myself that I am an amazing soul, and right now I don't even know the real me yet. The real me is a mystery. I want to solve this mystery. Life has no point. I am going to give it a point. I am going to create a point. All those people hurting me...no matter what they do to me, what they think of me, I am still here, with me. Life has no point. I am going to give it one, if I want to. If I don't want a point, fine. Whatever there is that I don't want, I will eliminate it; whatever there is that I do want, I am going to create it for myself.

I hope this helps.

Lake

posted May 18, 2007 01:05 PM              

'Zala, the posting made perfect sense - especially regarding Chiron.

Dew, love "The Awakening" - kinda reminds me of Kipling - "You'll be a man, my son!"

Lake Dance - your words are beautiful, really positive!!

Starr, when is your birthday?

Creatively I am actually not stifled at present, but the length of time it is taking to get my work *seen* is incredibly frustrating. I was talking with my father about all this today (a fellow Aries) and he said that my problem is that I get frustrated easily, and want everything immediately. Trouble is, if I don't keep plugging away constantly, threads get lost. I am completely obsessed with furthering my career at present. I don't want to go on holiday at all, because quite frankly I don't know what I'd do.

The *work* element doesn't seem to be the problem - I have plenty to get on with - it's the working with certain other people who are very passive-aggressive. There is such a difference between that and someone who was glowingly exceptional that I worked with recently, and who completely understood what I was trying to put across.

It's also the element of acceptance by other people that I am concerned with. Envy and jealousy drive me, and do most of the human race. My father said this was a bad perspective to work from, but he is 67 and I am 33, and maybe he was reflecting on the time when he was in his late 30s and we owned a mansion and had 3 sports cars in the drive! I felt cowed by what he said, I'll admit - but I feel powerless to change who I am because I actually enjoy being who I am...I want to be *somebody* because it wouldn't suit me otherwise - I have so many people asking me why I'm not famous yet. I don't want to disappoint them - or myself. At the moment, though, certain aspects of my career just seem to be stuck - they're always not-quite-there-yet.

I consciously try to look at astrological patterns and use the energies within them, like I said, this is great for creativity, but publicity and being noticed is still an issue. 'Zala, HD, I'll look at my current Midheaven transits.

Iqhunk, I'll look into questions of suicide and karma. I'm not sure how much truth there is in that, but I am not au fait with karma, so I'll give it a whirl.

posted May 18, 2007 01:36 PM              

quote:

---

I thought that Mars going into Aries would make me a lot happier, but quite frankly all it's done is brought on a cold and make me feel like shyte. I want to get drunk and punch someone, I really do.

---

posted May 18, 2007 07:13 PM              

Daylight lives like a burden for me
so I escape
sent it strewn about the street
beyond the ruins of my ancestry
far past the pages of my disbelief
I rose from my moat
like a ghost from a grave
sunken in the salty eyes of the wandering displaced
I was heading through the mist across the golden gate
all of my rebellions fall into the fog of fate

So long my misery
I don't need you
you've only caused me grief
forgive me if I fall asleep
I haven't slept in centuries

Spring time came again
and Icarus fell
I flew past the numb lipped nuns who'll never tell
the secrets of the sailors and their 7 year spell
I will not fall, nor will my wings ever melt
if I could I would wash all these wounds away
I would surround your room with a sense of mental grace
I would paint your portrait over everything mundane
more colorful than Easter Sunday

so long my misery
I don't need you
you've only caused me grief
forgive me if I fall asleep
I haven't slept in centuries

put me on a boat
leave my inhibitions at bay
my mind is spilling
but I haven't much to say
I was running through the canyons
pulse the echoes of your name
you were laughing at me like
the sun laughs at a flame
put me on a page in a book of beginnings
let me scroll me through old volumes of ancient teachings
let me reveal in all of these forgotten feelings
lay me with the wretched in the arms of my queen

posted May 18, 2007 08:21 PM            

Heidi -

Welcome! We need more voices like yours.
And, YES, people are different!
I've been trying to explain that here for years,
but you know people with their almighty "free will",
one-standard-fits-all, mentality;
just an excuse to be insensitive when others need you most.

quote:

---

you are not making things better!
sometimes depression is a chemical imbalance that people cant bring themselves out of... and even if its not sometimes we are so frustrated, sad, mad or whatnot that we cant find the door to get out or the will or anything..
Things arent as simple as you think

---

Adrienne,

posted May 18, 2007 10:04 PM            

If you baby people then they will never recognize that what they are doing is wrong.. I dont know if you were taught that or not, but oh well.

the quote you reffered to in your post was directed to me.. and out of all of the posts I was not at all insensitive so be sure to choose a more appropriate quote next time you are praising someone.

There is nothing wrong with a little harsh love .. that way you are helping the person and also showing that you care..

respectfully,

posted May 18, 2007 11:38 PM            

Helen Keller:
Many persons have the wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.

Vincent Van Gogh:
Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together.

Fernando Flores:
Great work is done by people who are not afraid to be great.

Samuel Johnson:
Great works are performed, not by strength, but by perseverance.

Simeon Ben Eleazar:
Greater is he who acts from love than he who acts from fear.

Henry Ward Beecher:
Greatness lies not in being strong, but in the right use of strength.

Kahlil Gibran:
Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.

George Iles:
Doubt is the beginning, not the end, of wisdom.

Galileo:
Doubt is the father of invention.

Colton:
Doubt is the vestibule through which all must pass before they can enter into the temple of wisdom.

Christian N. Bovee:
Doubt whom you will, but never yourself.

Johann Friedrich Von Schiller:
He cannot complain of a hard sentence, who is made master of his own fate.

Albert Schweitzer:
I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know; the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.

posted May 19, 2007 12:15 AM              

quote:

---

Heart-Shaped Cross,

If you baby people then they will never recognize that what they are doing is wrong.. I dont know if you were taught that or not, but oh well.

---

Seeing Stars what is your sun, moon, rising, and mars?

posted May 19, 2007 03:14 AM              

I have lots of compassion for people who want to take their life because of things like death of a child or spouse, or because they have been abused, or because they lost their livlihood. There are many reasons why a person would feel suicidal. Even medical reasons. However it would be misguided compassion to feel sorry for someone who just wants to oft themself because they don't make it at a certain age and because she thinks people live too long anyway.

Xena's post implied she planned on killing herself in the future if life didn't work out the way she thought it should and because " people live too long anyway." Her post implied that she was tired of things just not working out the way she wanted them to in spite of her efforts. Those are self-centered, superficial reasons to take one's life. Go tell the people in Darfur how cheap life is to you and that people live too long anyway and see if they agree with you and that they should oft themselves because their lives are just not working out the way they had them planned.

People who actually do commit suicide do not do it for ego reasons, hippiechick. I don't know that anyone here said that either. I certainly didn't. I said in so many words that Xena's reasons for doing so seem to smack of a spoiled, self-centered ego which feels things should always go the way she wants them to.

posted May 19, 2007 06:40 AM              

HSC, agua de mar, Lauren - thanks, your words touch me.

Linnk, adrienne, Mystic Melody - I really liked the lyrics/poems/quotes.

Jane, your suggestion of *changing filters* uses exactly the right words.

MJM - no, I didn't use to live in Plymouth...Xena is only my screen name.

To everyone else who has offered their opinion - THANK YOU!!

I have been thinking about this whole thing a lot, and talking about it to friends and family. Somehow people with Sag moons seem to be good for me at present and get me out of myself.
In some ways I have realized that I was depending too much on one thing. Changes are conspiring to make me rethink career strategies. Chiron possibly has to do with some of the pain I've been feeling - could also be that my Lilith has something to answer for.

And yeah, I hate to admit this...but in all likelihood I do probably have mental problems,though what I'm going to do about them I'm not sure yet. I possibly do need to find a psychotherapist, but a good one that can help take the pressure off other areas of my life. When I was in counselling before the counsellor actually said she enjoyed seeing me because I was like a breath of fresh air - I think she was one of the better counsellors I had over the years. I also went to a homeopath whose remedies helped me on an emotional level but who regarded my tendency to anger with bemusement and who said I'd probably become an earth mother in a few years' time!! This was one of the times I could rate reciprocal understanding as being - shall we say - 3/10? I think that for a situation to be truly mutually beneficial, it has to involve exactly the *right people*, people who truly understand and can work with you, because if there isn't a connection, things will never, ever work as they should, whether it's in a business, or romantic or other personal situation.

posted May 19, 2007 12:30 PM            

"Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right."
- Henry Ford (1863-1947)

"The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work."
- Emile Zola (1840-1902)

"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance."
- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

posted May 19, 2007 12:38 PM            

# If at first you don't succeed, try a shorter bungee.

posted May 19, 2007 02:16 PM              

Dear Xena, guess you are focussing on all things negative in your life.Please consider looking around and you will find people who are less fortunate than you in so many ways.Thank the Almighty for all that you have.

posted May 19, 2007 02:43 PM              

Xena,
Just wanted to say for wanting to get your man tested for sexually transmitted diseases. I plan to do the same, with some delicacy and diplomacy. Condoms are not 100% sure and Human Papilloma Virus (types 16 or 18), which is responsible for cervical cancer, can be transmitted through skin contact. Why should I get cancer because he couldn't keep it in his pants??? I recently saw a patient with this type of cancer, at the age of 23... 23, for God's sake! I'm 24...

**Make love, not cancer**