posted December 16, 2007 10:12 AM              

quote:

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I can see where Mr.Scorpio is coming from too.

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I can't.

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Perhaps his daughters are his priority, what is wrong with that?

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Everything. If his daughters are his priority, he should get out of the dating pool. Otherwise, he's just being selfish.

Like Ryan O'Neal told 12-year-old[?] Tatum who demanded he choose between her and Farrah Fawcett. To paraphrase, "Honey, I have sex with Farrah, not you. Don't make me choose."

Aria made the right decision.

posted December 16, 2007 11:12 AM            

LibraChickety,

It is an awkward thing, to anticipate differences and to make very specific expectations known, and, no, I wouldnt expect a person to do that, but, like I said, when things arise, it seems reasonable to address them then and there, rather than just cut-bait and diss. It looks like Aria agrees, because she did give him several chances (something I didnt know when I posted). As for "flow", there is some truth to this, but, I think, not as much as you imagine. It all makes beautiful sense in theory, but is rather unworkable in practice. Now, most people, if given the choice to work for a living, or spend life on vacation, would choose vacation, right? Does this mean they are not going with the flow, when they go to work? Or, are they just flowing within the limits of reality? If work is the necessary condition to achieve desired ends, then, it is not a sacrifice of identity, but a compromise willingly accepted for the sake of a higher goal. Its the same thing in relationships. Compromise and adaptation. Perhaps he would be more than willing to observe planning etiquette, if he had any idea how important it is to her?

Of course, it is a very personal decision. What are we willing to compromise, and what is intrinsic to our identity? Evidently, etiquette is a huge priority to you, as a Libra, and to Aria as well. Thats fine. You have to go with your gut. Only you know whats right for you. But, for me, it is less essential, and, as I see it, strict adherence to etiquette is not a significant reflection on the substance or character of a person. Moreover, it is worth considering how it appears from his point of view. Granted, from a more Libran perspective, lack of planning etiquette would suggest a lack of respect, but not everyone sees it that way, and he may have intended no disrespect. He did call her prior to the weekend, and she saw that he called. I'm sure he knew she would see that he called, and he probably figured that she would return the call, when she got a chance. I doubt he knew that she would expect him to leave "an engraved" message, or to place a second call. Also, I'm sure he didnt expect her to make plans for Saturday night (after essentially ignoring and blowing-off his Friday call).

As for the 12-yr-old being almost grown up... No. Sorry. Likely, it will be another six years before she is even out of the house. And in the meantime, in those 6 years, she will experience adolescence. This is not a period to gloss over with "almost grown up". This is the most trying time in life, for the kid and for the parent(s).

posted December 16, 2007 11:18 AM            

"If his daughters are his priority,
he should get out of the dating pool.
Otherwise, he's just being selfish."

Are you serious?

So, if a person values their own child more than they value someone they just met, the person has no right to seek a partner? He should just resign himself to being alone, and anything else is "selfish"??? Come on. What woman expects a single father to prioritize her over his own daughter? Especially when they are merely dating? Talk about "selfish". Jeez.

posted December 16, 2007 11:45 AM            

quote:

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Hermes,
"If his daughters are his priority,
he should get out of the dating pool.
Otherwise, he's just being selfish."

Are you serious?

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posted December 16, 2007 12:24 PM            

There is a time and place for everything. Is the problem really that he brings his daughter along or the fact that he is inconsiderate about actually calling her and setting up a firm date?

I've dated men with children. I am married to a man with children from a previous marriage. I met the children early on and at the same time, Bear and I did budget alone time. Yes, children are very important and necessary when it comes to being with a man or woman that has children and is dating. At the same time, the relationship is also between two people.

I can see all points but it also seems that this man (regardless of his sun sign, which to me should be irrelevant) wasn't considerate of her time. If he called and set up a date for Friday but never gave a specific time- well that is the same as standing someone up. Should she wait for hours on him or does she live her own life?

If people think it is the norm to be vague about when a date is to take place, then I am glad I never dated people like that. I always cut loose someone that played the vague game or lacked the proper etiquette to at least call to say they would be late. Most adults have the common sense to say "Let's do something this weekend. How about Friday I pick you up at 8pm..."

Aria had to finally call him on Saturday evening and even then he hadn't even the courtesy to say much more than "Oh I hadn't thought about it"

posted December 16, 2007 12:40 PM              

Let me say it ONE more time. It is NOT about his daughter - I came to adore her! I went to her competitions, joined them for a day of shopping, movies, etc....

Its about HIM. He pursued me like a bulldozer, told me I was going to fall in love with him, that I was going to be his girlfriend, that one day I'd be ALL his and told me I was crazy about him - and that he knew it!

The ego was HUGE, his over-confident nature was off the charts and it was ONLY after I gently told him to slow down that he got his feelings hurt! He admitted as much and so, he backed off to the point of disinterest and yes, being inconsiderate! In other words..."you wanted me to back off? You got it in spades! Now I'm going to treat you like I almost don't give a s***!" In other words, even He was about Him!

So, it became HIS way or NO way!
He stopped the endearments, stopped making plans ahead of time, started playing hard to get - it was almost a certain type of retribution! When I asked him about the drastic change, he said mockingly "Oh, so you DO like the attention, huh?"

So, again for ALL you parents - IT'S NOT ABOUT HIS CHILD! She's awesome! It was about HIM!!!

posted December 16, 2007 12:48 PM              

I had understood from the beginning

posted December 16, 2007 12:55 PM              

You captured the issue perfectly!

posted December 16, 2007 01:08 PM            

BLKfox- I think that the emotional charge is a bit of an overstatement. What you may be picking up on is her frustration over his complete and utter absorption with himself. He went from being "into" her to withhold common courtesies as a result of her just asking him to slow down.

Most people would be "charged" by that kind of behaviour.

posted December 16, 2007 01:22 PM              

My charge is also from being misunderstood (my own doing, granted - I started a new post instead of adding to the original) and being almost painted as a child-hater, told that I shouldn't date men with kids Or, that I was upset about him putting his child before me. Not only did he not do that, it was NEVER the issue!

As a matter of fact, I'd adopt her today and ditch him!

Pidaua: Again, thanks!

posted December 16, 2007 01:49 PM              

sounds like you got yourself out of something that was driving you bonkers!

posted December 16, 2007 01:53 PM              

i think you need someone direct, straightforward, adventurous, funny, philosophical and who maybe likes to chase a bit just feels like it would be a good match for you!!

posted December 16, 2007 02:06 PM            

My take is that this guy was controlling her from the get go because of HIS needs and desired outcome. It isn't natural to tell the other person what is going to happen between the two of them and the other person wants in their relationship. That's usually where communication plays into it...but, I agree that before heavy communication, some of what happens early on doesn't necessarily need to be conveyed to him. You kind of have to observe the other person before getting that deep. It's like telling a person they like Twinkies when the person in reality isn't craving Twinkies, maybe HoHos. But Twinkies is what the guy wants. Aria and this guy simply have different needs at this point.

posted December 16, 2007 02:48 PM              

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Are you serious?

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Yes.

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So, if a person values their own child more than they value someone they just met, the person has no right to seek a partner?

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I was responding to a comment that the child was a priority. Not merely a valued relationship.

A person "in the market" is essentially advertising themselves as available to give and receive. Naturally, one would expect they'd have other cherished relationships. However, should any of these other relationships be considered "of priority," such person, in the market, is not ready to give and receive, but take. IMO, this is selfish. Expecting someone to give freely, knowing you can't (or unwilling) to give in equal measure is selfish.

But Scorpio boy got the boot for arrogance. Not the third leg.

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So Hermes, you're inferring that as a single mom, because I have a child I have no right to go out and seek adult male companionship until my boy turns some arbritrary age like 18??

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Not at all.

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... Having a child is not an 18-year prison sentence, barred from having ANY visitors. imho, a good parent has other friends and interests outside their child's life, and doesn't put their own life on hold with total focus on self-denial.

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This is my point exactly. I think we're in agreement.

posted December 16, 2007 03:00 PM              

I think you're absolutely right here.

You defended yourself well.

posted December 16, 2007 03:10 PM              

so in that sense, it could be argued that it is selfish to expect to be a priority when you are dating a single parent, because it is demanding that the single parent put these (necessary) concerns out of their minds and place your concerns first, which, in the end, could compromise the entire relationship, if you are in fact incompatible with the family situation. the single parent IS a package deal after all.

posted December 16, 2007 03:18 PM              

"You could have had filet mignon! Too bad you're probably going to get stuck with ground beef!"

posted December 16, 2007 03:24 PM            

quote:

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A person "in the market" is essentially advertising themselves as available to give and receive. Naturally, one would expect they'd have other cherished relationships. However, should any of these other relationships be considered "of priority," such person, in the market, is not ready to give and receive, but take. IMO, this is selfish. Expecting someone to give freely, knowing you can't (or unwilling) to give in equal measure is selfish.

quote:
So Hermes, you're inferring that as a single mom, because I have a child I have no right to go out and seek adult male companionship until my boy turns some arbritrary age like 18??

Not at all.

quote:
... Having a child is not an 18-year prison sentence, barred from having ANY visitors. imho, a good parent has other friends and interests outside their child's life, and doesn't put their own life on hold with total focus on self-denial.

This is my point exactly. I think we're in agreement.

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Aria ~

The guy's a jerk, block his emails.

heart cakes ~