Posts: 3193
From: Southern 'Bama
Registered: Aug 2002

posted August 29, 2002 04:24 PM         

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Ok, so none of my roomies are here and the guys at work (where I've gotta go in, oh, 10 minutes) are sick of hearing about it, so I'm going to just write it and get it out so I don't explode:

I just got a big ole' package from my b/f. It has some pics from Oki, Tokyo, and Korea; a story he wrote me (his 1st e-mail to me was in the style of "Finnegan's Wake", so this oughta be interesting); and a compilation CD full of what I'm sure'll be extremely sappy, wonderfully goofy music (quote Rick a few months back: "You've gotta listen to these two songs...they're by this guy called Todd Rundgren...").

I'm going to go off and play on cloud nine now; wish me luck on not going into a euphoric daze while driving to work and in the process plowing through some pedestrians.

Corri

<---singing the praises of my dude

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From: Chennai
Registered: Apr 2001

posted August 30, 2002 08:46 AM         

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What about posting some of those photographs from Tokyo etc. here?

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From: Southern 'Bama
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posted August 30, 2002 10:44 AM         

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Hm. I'm on campus now so I'll see if I can once I get back...if I'm too dense to figure out how to do it here, go here:
http://groups.msn.com/LindaLandjoints/shoebox.msnw?Page=3
(It's a site run by Bissie from the Astrology forum.)

It'll be under proxiedude.

Corri

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From: Southern 'Bama
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posted August 30, 2002 11:00 PM         

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Yup, I've three on there (the link above) now. They're not the best quality (being 'digital snapshots' of the pics he sent), but such is life.

Corri

(A little later...) I was going through my files and decided to add another just b/c he looks like a walkin', talkin' description of a Taurus male in it.

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From: Southern 'Bama
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posted September 04, 2002 08:37 PM         

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Wow.
I sound like a stereotypical Pisces female in these posts...
will that get worse?

Corri

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From: Chennai
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posted September 07, 2002 07:34 AM         

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You are indeed on the right track. Your charts are pretty good, your relationship is going to turn out fine (if not a bed of roses). You need not bother about whether he would be the 'right' partner, whether you may have to get rid of him later - which could be troubling you now - because you don't like it - I assure you - you fit like hand and glove (That is more than a metaphor). Go ahead and commit to him. The road is clear.

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From: Southern 'Bama
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posted September 07, 2002 08:39 PM         

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>>Your synastry looks like magic<<

>>Your charts are pretty good<<

???

Corri

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From: Southern 'Bama
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posted September 07, 2002 09:25 PM         

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raj -

I'm not so much worried about whether he's the "right" partner or not;
we're best friends. It seems like we can be more ourselves together than with anyone else; we can say anything to the other person and know that it's going to be alright. I feel closer to him through the combination of having known each other all those years before, seeing each other for a month last winter, and then talking on the phone and writing letters for the past eight months than I do to people that I interact with daily. We ask each other about the the other's passions so that we can do all that we can to support them in them; and, I know it sound's hokey, but it seems like we know what the other's thinking or feeling instinctively (I mean, literally in some cases - you should've seen us last December playing "Taboo" with his sis and a few others before going out to a New Year's Party...it was funny as hell). When we don't understand, we say, "OK - explain it to me. I want to know how you feel."

I've been so persistent in this line of questioning (hey! look! the folder's flaming!) because I don't want to risk loosing my Best Friend (although the interactions we have together so surpass those with friends I've had in the past as to render a comparison irrelevant), not because of some fixation on finding my soul mate.
So, I Love him. Right now I'm In Love with him, too. I'm stinkin' head-over-heals. Will that last? Who knows.
But I know that I want to be with him, to help him be the most "him" he can be (whatever that's supposed to mean...it just seemed to describe my sentiment, as incoherent as it is), to act as each other's cheerleader/coach when we're trying to work out just what it is we're passionate about or honing that passion we have found, to laugh at his goofy-ass jokes and rant about stuff ad nauseum together, to spend hours lost in Georgetown in the freezing cold trying to find a particular movie house, to be able to say to each other, "No, you're not crazy; I think that way, too,", to play with each other's hands during immensely comfortable silences, and to just _be together_ (because just doing that, as my dude so perfectly described a while back - yes, before we were "in love" - , makes us both feel "perfect content") if nothing else.

And, to be truthful, having a "relationship" with him is pert dern nice, too - he's REALLY good in the sack.

No, really, though - he is.

Corri

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From: Southern 'Bama
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posted September 10, 2002 01:31 PM         

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thus spake raj: "Then do one thing, instead of touching the stove, jump into it. You will UNDERSTAND a lot." <--Why I'm afraid of taking his advice.

Corri

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From: Chennai
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posted September 12, 2002 08:11 AM         

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'Relationship', 'love' etc are all labels. What you name as love someone else might label as relationship. While someone would say they are in love, they would actually be in a 'relationship' (though I am not that kind).

You are not afraid of jumping, you are making up your mind to jump.

Have you ever practiced skydiving? Diving into the infinite depths far below is no less than simply frightening, even though you know everything is alright. You only to need to jump - the split second makes all the difference - after which you will be flying with joy and exhilration.

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From: Columbus, GA USA
Registered: Sep 2002

posted September 17, 2002 10:53 PM         

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Hi Corri,

With your Saturn squaring his Venus and opposing his Moon, you will give him a hard time when it's hit by harsh transits. You will say things in an unkind way when you are mad and need to vent --especially with that Aquarian Moon! The words will fly out of your mouth and you'll wish later that you could take them back. There may be some insecurities the two of you need to work on. You may accuse him of being too emotional at times. He may strike back when he's feeling put down or unappreciated and do whatever he can to hurt your feelings so you'll know how it feels. It can be quite the merry go round if you allow it. There are many aspects to help you out, like your Sun/Moon conjunction. That's a really sweet aspect. But, there are other aspects that will make it even worse--like your Sun squaring his Venus--especially since it tightly opposes your Saturn. He may truly feel like you don't even like him at times. And when the transits are hitting those aspects, you may not like him at the moment. Just remember the Love between you during those times.

------------------
To fall in Love, is to rise. . . .
~Upendra

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Posts: 351
From: Columbus, GA USA
Registered: Sep 2002

posted September 17, 2002 10:55 PM         

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Oh, and don't forget how great he is in the sack when the frigid moments affect your sex life, because they will. Be patient and know you'll be one again.

------------------
To fall in Love, is to rise. . . .
~Upendra

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From: Southern 'Bama
Registered: Aug 2002

posted September 18, 2002 12:30 AM         

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GLAD TO SEE YOU BACK!!!

Corri

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From: Southern 'Bama
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posted September 18, 2002 12:45 AM         

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I didn't know which icon would really fit my response, so I chose the star as a default.
Before I begin w/ a(nother) barrage of questions, I'll say that I super-duper-to-the-nth-power appreciate your analysis.

I'll hurt him like that?
(There's no green-in-the-face, sick-to-my-stomach "smilie", but if there were I'd put it here.)

"There may be some insecurities the two of you need to work on."
Is that seperate from the accusing of being too emotional/striking-back thing or a different issue?

Ack - what are the good points?
Is my "In Defense of My Posts" post (the one where I reference his being good in the sack) an accurate view of the more complementary energies between us or an excercise in delusion?

Corri

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From: Chennai
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posted September 18, 2002 03:53 AM         

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It is not an exercise in delusion, proxieme, he loves you, just as I love Magica.

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From: Southern 'Bama
Registered: Aug 2002

posted September 23, 2002 04:23 PM         

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Well, astrology's a crock;
HE'S the one that trampled on my heart, not vice versa.

Corri

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From: San Francisco, CA, United States
Registered: Feb 2002

posted September 23, 2002 04:58 PM         

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what happened?

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From: Southern 'Bama
Registered: Aug 2002

posted September 23, 2002 05:24 PM         

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Aph - I'm not ignoring what you wrote, I'm just going to reply when I feel less like I'm broken all over the floor.

For a partial explanation, see the "Free-for-all" forum; but it's very incomplete.
I wrote it in my anger and confusion, I just had to get something out...I'm not mad at him, he just told what he felt. I'm angry at the truth, I guess.

I've got to get to work; presentation's due tomorrow.

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From: Southern 'Bama
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posted September 23, 2002 08:56 PM         

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Um, I guess I'll do this now.
I'm tired of reading about how Dickens' childhood in a factory influenced his worldview.
A Warning: this is going to be unneccesarily long; I think that I may have to write it out just to get it straight in my own mind.

It started on Sunday. He had come back from Hawaii and had slept off his jet lag, and was going to show-up at my house at around 2. The doorbell rang at noon, and my first thought was, "Now why would Rick be here now?"; but I had no real reason to think that it could be him except for a gut reaction, and one of my roomies answered the door, so I went about cleaning my room.
It was him. We hugged first and talked, and then, well...did what people who are dating and haven't seen each other for months do, and then just held eachother for hours. I kept looking at him, I was just so happy to see him. He said something to the effect of, "It's odd having someone love me this much; I don't deserve it."
We then went out to dinner. Driving there, I continued my trend of looking at him; I asked if it made him uncomfortable, and he said, "No, I'm so comfortable - keep doing it." Dinner was nice but uneventful. We kept smiling across the table at each other like fools, (I thought) like people in love. He cracked-up over my mannerisms, and I laughed at his comments. We shared an appetizer, entree, and desert. That was it.
We stopped by the video store I work at part-time to decide if we just wanted to rent something or go out, and the guys there were like, "Hey, man - you Rick? You a lucky guy. Corri talks about you all the time, deep in love with you. And she's so faithful and ^^^^; we all asked her out, and these other guys, too, and she always said no." He looked a little embarrased, but I attributed it to residual jet-lag.
(cont.)

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From: Southern 'Bama
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posted September 23, 2002 09:19 PM         

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Oh, wait - I forgot something:
At dinner, he said, "We could never get married. You're way too independent. (Said in a joking voice) I need me a submissive woman."
But we always joke around like that, so I thought nothing of it. I just thought I'd include it since I'm wracking my brains.
Moving on...
--------------
We decided to go see "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", and left the store after looking around for a while.
We got to the theatre around 8, but the show didn't start until 10 - but we got the tickets anyway, joking, "Hey - I'm sure we can go out to the car and think of SOMETHING to do."
We joked, talked, and fooled around for a bit, and then he brought back up a job his dad said he could refer him to in the ATF once he got out of the military; he mentioned how, even if he didn't like it, the benefits package and pay would probably make up for that. He'd always said that his ideal job would be to write screenplays or, barring that, to teach, so I said (half jokingly - again, this is how we talk to each other), "Even if we're not dating or together when you get out, if I find out that you settled for something that isn't your passion, I'm going to hunt you down and have you beaten," and then leaned over to kiss him.
Before I could, he said, "Wait, wait, wait - we need to talk about something: I'd like to have one of those "state of the relationship" chats. How, I mean, what do you consider our relationship to be? Where do you think we're going?"
"Don't make me answer that. I hate those kinds of questions," leaning my head against his shoulder.
"Then I'll say what I think."
I got up and looked him in the eye.
He said, "I think...it's like this: (my memory's kind of fuzzy here b/c my head started swimming, so this might not be exact...although in an odd way the general words are seared onto my memory)
I love you. I love you so much. If anyone ever tried to hurt you, I'd kill them. And you're too good for me - I know, I know - you don't think so, but I'm a bad person. I know the kind of person I am inside, even if you think I'm good; and I know the person you are. You're so good and beautiful, inside and out; you're as good as women get.
And I have a feeling, I KNOW, and I can't explain it, but sometimes I JUST KNOW things - in like two years you're going to meet this fantastic guy, and if you're with me you'll pass him up because you'll say, "No, I have Rick, and I won't do that to him." And I can't let you do that; I can't let you pass anything up for me. I know that if you do, you'll end up regretting it and resenting me.
And, oh, this is going to sound wrong - and its not exactly what I mean - but, I want to protect you; you're more like my family than anything else. You have a piece of my heart that's only taken by others - my mom, dad, and little sister - in my family.
And I think, and this is going to sound weird, too - I think that we were meant to be really good friends. I don't think that we were meant to be together like this for the rest of our lives. And I don't think there's anyone out there for me like that, but I KNOW that there is for you - hell, even if I'm wrong, I see the how many guys look at you when we go out (note: I don't notice anything; I think he's imagining things).
(cont.)

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From: Southern 'Bama
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posted September 23, 2002 09:43 PM         

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"Well, what do you think?"
I looked at him, dumbstruck and beginning to cry,
"Um, I, I...I don't know. Do you know how in love with you I am? And how can you say you're not good? You're the best person that I know."
He begins shaking his head, "No, no - I've done horrible things (which he won't tell me about) - I don't know why I've always been good to you (and he has, since we were in the 10th grade), it's just what you bring out in me."
"No - I have never seen you be anything but good and strong...look at this now: you're telling me the truth despite the hurt it's causing both of us, and you need to be both those things for that."
(Note: I had forgotten - earlier he said, "I'm telling you this now b/c if I waited until later I think it would hurt you more, and it might end with animosity, and I can't have that - you're too important to me.")
He shook his head some more, and I hugged him, and he said, "But what did you see in our future together?"
"Well, I don't know. I just know that I wanted to be there and support you and help you do whatever you wanted, and..."
"See - that's what I'm talking about. You can't do that, you can't make sacrifices for me. You can't. You'll end-up hating me."
"But, no I won't, I can..."
But he wouldn't hear anymore of that, and said, "You can be happy and do so much. I think that I missed that. I think that there was a girl that I should've asked out in highschool, but I was too much of a coward and didn't, so I missed my chance. Now I'm being punished by God for my mistakes, and I will be for the rest of my life. (Don't ask how we segued onto this...) Sex for me has always been, well, it's always been really enjoyable, but afterwards I feel completely empty. I'm being punished."
My jaw dropped, "What? How can you say that? What a cruel God to punish you like that. I don't think God's like that; I KNOW God's not like that. What's the girl's name?"
"I won't say."
"Who was it, would I know her?"
Silence.
"Who? I'll help you find her. If you think that's the only way you can be happy, I want to help."
"It's too late now. I never said I wanted her now; my chance was then, and it's passed. It can't be done now."
"That is in-sane. If she's the girl for you, then it won't matter."
But the case was closed on that front.
"...so, is sex with me empty?"
"Well, no, but yes. It's not like with anyone else - I'm not AS EMPTY afterwards, but I still feel, I dunno, that way."
"Oh."
"I really do it just because you seem to like it so much. I don't even particularly enjoy sex anymore. But I'll still...we can still..."
"No, not if it makes you feel that way. I won't do it."
By then it was time for the movie to start.
(cont.)

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From: San Francisco, CA, United States
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posted September 23, 2002 09:43 PM         

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***am listening***

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From: Southern 'Bama
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posted September 23, 2002 10:04 PM         

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We watched the movie; I kept scooting away from him (you can put the armrests up) and he kept leaning closer to me. I ended-up crying and leaving to clean myself up. By the time it ended I was a complete emotional wreck and lagged far behind him as we left. As we walked out to the car, he tried to put his arms around me and I jerked away.
He said, "Oh, Corri, don't be like that."
"I'm sorry, I just...I just don't want to be touched right now."
"OK. Let me drive."
"No, I can do it."
"Let me drive, you're upset. Please."
"No. I. Can. Do. It."
We started the drive back to my place; I was being extra careful b/c he already thinks that I drive like I'm on crack (a joke we've had since HS - ever seen Goodfellas? He says that I'm like the main character driving on cocaine).
He looked at me and said something. There was a brief conversation, but I can't honestly say that I remember it.
He started to cry, pulled his hat over his eyes, and said, "God, I hate myself. I'm such an inconsiderate ***hole. I'm so stupid...", he went on, but I'm not sure what he said b/c I was looking for a place to pull-off of Duke street.
"I hate crying."
I looked over and he was slumped in the seat.
I found a place and parked, and said,
"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry - I shouldn't have been like that. You just told the truth."
"I'm so careless...stupid, stupid..."
"No you're not. Unbuckle so we can hug."
We hugged and ran our hands over each other's faces. We both said, "I'm sorry" about a hundred times each, and then I said, "It's just that I love you so much; it was a shock to hear you say those things. I mean, it's like you're the only person who I can talk to who ever gets what I'm saying."
"It's the same with me...I've tried, I've tried all my life to fit in, but I've never been able to, ever. I've always been an outsider. At school, wherever my dad was stationed, even in the military...I'm never like anyone else."
"That's the way it is with me, too - although I never really try to be like everyone else, it's so nice to have someone who knows what I mean when I talk about what going on in my head."
"I just want us to be able to be friends still."
"Will you still stay tonight?"
"I was planning on it."
We said some other (now forgotten) stuff, and drove back, my right hand over holding his and my left steering. We had our hands around each other walking back. It was the best I'd felt in, well, atleast a few hours.
We got back and he watched "SportsCenter" while I finished some essays due the next day (today). We then turned the lights off lay down together (fully clothed).
Well...um.
We, uh...well. He started, you know, and I said, "What are you doing? You said how it made you feel. I don't want to make you feel that way. Don't do this if you don't want to."
"I want to. It won't be like that this time."
(later...)
"How do you feel? It wasn't...?"
"No, I feel perfect. That was perfect. I think it was because I told you the truth, because everything's out."
(Me, being paranoid, thought that he was just trying to appease me.)
He said, "I think we should make this just something for special occasions."
"Whatever makes you comfortable."
We went to sleep together, arms over each other.
(cont.)

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From: Columbus, GA USA
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posted September 23, 2002 10:05 PM         

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Lots of love and (((hugs))) to you.

------------------
To fall in Love, is to rise. . . .
~Upendra

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From: Southern 'Bama
Registered: Aug 2002

posted September 23, 2002 10:33 PM         

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And then this morning.
This morning SUCKED.

I sent out e-mails to my classes w/ attachments for anything due (if necessary), and lay back down with him.
He woke up and we began kissing, and it began to be a replay of the night before.
"I thought you said only special occasions..."
"Well, this is a continuation of last night..."
Um...so...we went on a little while and then he stopped.
I said, "Don't finish if you don't want to; I don't care, this isn't important to me."
"I'm so confused...I don't know what I want right now."
"Then don't worry about it. I won't. I'm here if you need me."
(And, yes, we do sound this melodramatic when we talk. I've re-read my postings and shook my head, trying to change the phrasing, but this is what we said. It's corny, but a little cool when you're actually having the conversation.)
Going back to what I said ("Then don't worry about it. I won't. I'm here if you need me.")...I meant it when I said it, but then I wigged out while he was in the shower. He came back and I said, "I don't know if I can do this."
"Do what?"
I looked at him.
"Oh..."
And then things got...things just got dumb.
He said something like, "I'm so sorry for this. What do you want me to do?"
"I don't know."
"What do you want to do?"
"I don't know."
Silence, with me curled under the covers on my bed.
"I'll be right back. Right back."
He went out to the car to get his dad's work phonenumber so he could get directions to meet him for lunch.
He called, and while he did so I went down stairs and got some cereal. A few minutes later he came down.
"Is that all you're eating?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"Because I'm not that hungry..."
"No wonder you're so skinny. Do you have anything to drink?"
"Water."
"Which drawer is yours?"
"The one in front of you, but it's kind of empty because my roommates use all of my stuff."
He opens it. "You don't have any food?"
"Yeah, I do. The cabinet underneath."
He opens that. "Is this all your food? You should eat more."
(Reading this, I know that it sounds kind of pushy, but he wasn't saying it like that. He's just a bit of a mother hen about some things. I was actually touched...and b/c I was so touched, I went back upstairs before I started bawling.)
He followed me back up. "Are you mad because I started talking about your food?"
"No, no..." (I was crying and couldn't get out that I started crying because he was being so concerned.)
"Do you want me to leave?"
"No, no. I don't know. Maybe, once you get back from Florida (he's going to be there for a week b/c of a wedding), you shouldn't call. I mean, I need some time to get over my feelings for you, and that might be a good start."
"NO. No - I want to, don't do that. Don't cut me off. Please. I won't call if you give me no other option, but I'd rather see you."
"But you don't understand. Just seeing you is painful. I see you and know you don't feel the same way...it hurts."
(I'm bawling by this point.)
I continue, "And we probably shouldn't write or call once you get back to Hawaii."
"No, let's stay friends. Please. I don't think you know how important you are to me, how you've been since high school and still are. Your opinion matters so much to me."
"I can't."
"Do you want me to leave?"
"I don't know."
A whole heap of crying on my part.
He says, "OK, just don't let this mess with your life, OK? Don't let it ruin your school or your work, OK? Will you promise me that?"
Silence on my end.
"Please, please promise that to me. Don't let this mess up anything for you, OK?"
Silence still.
"Don't be like that.
I stand up here and say that, but I'd probably be doing the exact same thing if..."
"Go. Now. Go, please."
"OK."
And he left.
(cont.)

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