posted September 23, 2002 11:05 PM         

And that was it.
I've been doing school work, crying on-and-off, and, now, writing this.

I'm glad that this is here. I'm a rather private person, and most of the people that I know and deal with on a day-to-day basis...it's just none of their business. I'm used to hearing about their troubles, not vice versa. It's good to be able to get this out.

posted September 23, 2002 11:21 PM         

So, I miss you already.
I'm going to try to call you b/f you leave for
Florida, but I thought that I'd write this just in
case I don't get through or I break down crying (a
distinct possibility since I'm doing so now - it's
just easier to type and cry than to talk and cry).

Wow, I had all this stuff I wanted to say, but now
it's gone. I'll try to reconstruct it:

I don't want to lose my best friend. It just hurts so
much to be around you knowing that I'm in love with
you and that you don't have the same feelings for
me...I can't stand it...especially when everything you
do or say seems like it makes me love you more. (This
morning when you talked about how little I eat, I
wasn't mad at you - I was really, really touched that
you still cared enough about me to say that, and then
I was mad at whatever-dictates-these-things for your
not wanting me as I want you.)

On that, I'm not mad at you in any way; if anything,
I'm mad at the truth. You can't be blamed for things
being as they are; you can't change your feelings.

That's why I'm so confused and hurt and angry right
now -
I love you, and being mad with existence accomplishes
nothing, but as you saw this morning I'm so angry at
SOMETHING that I was shaking.
Rick, don't blame yourself for whatever has or will
happen - please. It was the goodness that you've
disputed but that I've always known is in you that
lead you to tell the truth. Please have faith in you
as I have faith in you.
-------------
I'm just including this just in case, I dunno, just in case more information is useful.
I'm at a total loss with this whole situation. If anyone out there has any insight, please help.
I might've already lost my best friend (although I hope not, god I hope not), but maybe this can be a learning experience.
If you read all that, thank you. I know that it was long, boring, and convoluted.

Aph & Auriel -
Thank you for listening and for offering your support. I feel about as strong as a jellyfish right now, so it's appreciated.

posted September 24, 2002 01:51 AM         

My concern, primarily revolves around his past actions and activities which effects his present day actions and mental processes.
A man doesn't usually testify against himself by claiming that he's not good enough and has done something horrible unless there really IS something horrible that can perhaps come back and haunt you.
For some reason, he loves you enough to want to protect you and see to it that you have a happy future because, as he put it, "Your a GOOD girl."
Corri, what do you truly know about this man's past since High School? Obviously, he has guilt about something really deep is why he has shut himself off from feeling worthy enough of true love with you.
Seems like whatever he's done, he wants to punish himself. What stands out in a most profound way is his attitude toward this mystery girl from High School. He seemed disturbed about it. I'd like to know which girl in school he felt he was punished with/by/for and WHY he was silent about the information you requested of him regarding it? Hmmmm...
With Mercury in Scorpio, my mind is racing with theories...

Try asking him again in a gentle and caring fashion and listen intently to his reply if given. Separate your emotions so that you can hear with clarity. You may then get all the answer's your heart needs in order to UNDERSTAND and HEAL.

posted September 24, 2002 07:46 AM         

Well, we didn't have any contact for almost four years; maybe something happened then.
He does have a lot of scars on his knuckles. I asked him how he got them, and he said, "Hitting people." I thought he was kidding at first, but he's been consistent in that answer.
And what you said made me remember something that he had said last December:
We were sitting together, with me behind him and my legs around him while I played with his hair, and he gave this deep sigh and said something like, "If only we had started going out in highschool; we could have been together all this time and I wouldn't have made so many mistakes."
We kid around a lot, but he sounded deathly serious. I heard it, but I guess he sounded so serious about it that I didn't want to listen and process it.
But he couldn't have done anything all that bad, he just couldn't have.
But maybe that's why he doesn't want to tell me, you know? Maybe he's afraid of ruining that idealization that I have of him.
When he gets back I'll approach it from the position of, "Hey - we're not going out anymore. If we're going go back to being just friends, we should be able to see everything about the other and accept it."
What do you think?

Corri

posted September 24, 2002 03:02 PM         

Glad to have given you another perspective to LOOK at!
It is a Libran's DUTY to see all sides and angles and present them. My intuition works pretty darn good too, thanks to Scorpio's influence.

When I first read your post, the initial thought regarding Rick's statements were that perhaps he was being PAID to beat up people, but I didn't want to say that without more evidence, but as you tell me about his knuckles being scarred as well as his confessions of such, well, you must take it seriously and not as a joke.
He has confessed to doing some horrible things, so I would definitely take heed to that truth. You heard it, yet chose to ignore it, so now you hurt. So many women ignore a man's subtle ways of communicating. They speak volumes, but we get wrapped up in the emotional aspects of LOVING that we don't HEAR and SEE! Take note, that men do not communicate as we do. In relationships they are more subtle, less talkative, less responsive and mostly, less emotional than women are, unless they have feminine qualities.
Setting aside spirituality, men typically have huge ego's. So when a guy goes against the grain and says to you that he is unworthy of you, he means it! It is an indication that some really deep sh-t is going on. Thank God he cares enough about you to not involve you.
However, you befriending him was/is a good thing for him. He is able to experience true LOVE from someone who shows him unconditional love to balance his violent wrongdoing. You did him a great service, and I truly feel that you will be rewarded for your love and kindness. You could also be his angel in guiding him on the "Right" path. We are still unsure if his history of violence is indeed part of the past, or if it is still presently taking place. My suspicions are that he has done time for some act of violence is why perhaps he disappeared for almost 4 years. Hmmm...
I personally, was feeling awful to have come to that conclusion, but my first impression is usually the most correct one.
Now I UNDERSTAND his guilt! He definitely has good reason.

posted September 24, 2002 03:12 PM         

*big hugs* whomever said love isn't supposed to hurt, lied. i am guessing that is what your broken heart is saying i am so sorry to hear about what has happened.

*sighs*

let me know if you need help with anything, and i'll try to my best to assist you.

posted September 24, 2002 04:48 PM         

Just followed you over here from another topic where you were bursting with happiness over this man and am sorry to hear about what has transpired... much love to you

You are getting some good insight, support and advice here from VWP, Aphrodite, and Auriel. I hope that you hear them...

On that note, ask me why I am not suprised to find out that you two comprise the karmic Taurus/Pisces association. I've ranted and raved about this combo more times than I can count...and I've seen it in action over and over and over again. I am a Pisces and I have a really karmic entanglement with a Taurus man that will not end and it has taken me 6 years of emotional extremes to realize I don't want it... not because I don't love him, or we don't love eachother....but because it is unhealthy.

There is even a recent topic on this combo. You can read it here: http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum10/HTML/000337.html
it isn't quite as complex as your situation, but it is just another example of the Taurus/Pisces "thing". Honestly, I don't know what it is, but it is an ever-occurring phenomenon that happens often enough for it to be weird. I truly feel for you.

I would say that, in addition to what VWP says about his probable past, I also get the impression that he has some serious insecurity issues that ONLY HE can fix for himself. Trust me, no matter how much love you have for him and no matter how much you feel you can tolerate to be with him... it will never fix an issue he has with himself. Best to let him fix it and re-connect at a later date even if it pains you... without keeping in touch, really.

I feel like you knew that when you told him you wanted to take some time out without talking so you could get over your feelings for him. He definitely should have respected that, as it is rational and normal for you to request that. He knows you well and by begging you to stay in his life, he knows you will, and it will keep the cycle going. He won't grow that way and neither will you. Taurus's have a knack for subtly controlling situations. It is not a bad thing really because most of the time they do it to hold on to the things they love, but it can be destructive... especially to you.

If I sound like I am coming on strong it is only because I speak from experience. I hope that you will be super firm and super strong in this. Don't fall for the manipulation. I believe he loves you, and I can MORE than see your unconditional love and acceptance of him.... but don't enable this cycle of emotion. Let him figure it all out on his own.

As for you, you seem like such an amazing person... follow your dreams and heart's desire. Untangle this web with this man that leaves you paralyzed. You'll feel so much better in time.

And as I always say to the Pisces girl, when you finally are ready for a relationship, go find yourself a nice Scorpio!!

Pearl

posted September 26, 2002 12:21 AM         

I'm telling you, !

One day you'll believe me....

Pearl

PS- I'm just trying to give you a friendly rile-up, so at least if you're gonna be with him you won't take any BS. Be strong.

posted September 27, 2002 04:24 PM         

I have a lot to write in response, but I've got to go to work now. Everything that all ya'll have said has really given me food for thought (actually, that's why I haven't written anything sooner; I'm still kinda in the process of mulling-over just what I think of the whole situation).
If we had a hugging smiley, I'd put it here to thank Pearl, Aph, VWP, and Auriel for ya'll's advice, guidance, and support.

raj: Not that I don't appreciate what you have to say, but we're NOT (NOT NOT) getting married.

posted October 07, 2002 02:57 PM         

Hey, pearly -
So, I've tried a Gemini guy (a loooong time ago...not particularly recommended, 'least not for me), a Cancer guy (a bit of a wet blanket, but then he was a Cancer Sun/Moon and Virgo Asc), and now a Taurus (as you said, bitter w/ the sweet...I'll probably be more articulate on this one at a later date) - perhaps a Scorp's next?
Seriously, though, nothing for me for a good long while.
Eh, phew -
I feel better.

Corri

posted October 07, 2002 03:09 PM         

Hey, Aph - You know any sweetish, kinda husky Scorp guys that happen to be on the East Coast?

You never know, they could've moved from Cali.

Corri

posted October 07, 2002 04:38 PM         

hehe, i am looking at a scorp myself, but he's on the west coast.

i'll keep an eye out for you though.

posted October 07, 2002 09:11 PM         

Here's my post to you: http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum7/HTML/001228-2.html