posted June 03, 2005 10:29 AM         

I bumped this thread, after scanning it, because of the title.
Your words are always so poignant for me...
The Inability to Accept Love.
This is so me.
I do lots of things for love, for acceptance.. yet I am raw and honest while I do them.
Some things make me proud, but a lot of things I do, I reject.
I want to throw out all these gory things, these raw and unassembled parts, these strong feelings, just to see if you will be there to try to put the parts together with me, or sweep it up afterwards..
And if you are, I will definately say thank you.. but I might not fuly appreciate.
Every once and a while, I am able to step back, and really examine these motivations.
they are both good and bad.
I want to be loved, I respond to love, I love deeply and fully.. but then therre is a very real, very large part of me reserved, and a part who is impenetrable to the same love that I desire.
That part rules with ferrocity at times.
I can see it, and I am the first to say it..
"Yes, I am pushing you away."
"No, I don't know why."
Self preservation?
Self destruction?
Anyway.. this is me.

posted June 03, 2005 02:36 PM         

Yes... for me things are bubbling up again, too. It seems like there's an energy in me that can be neutral for a while, then there's this buildup and I need a release. I can't function until that happens. That's where I'm sitting right now, actually. Like something intense has to happen to feed this monster.

I guess I've jumped a bit off track from the initial topic, but all of these things are somehow intermingled, I think... the feelings, anyway.

Most of the people around me feel like I'm too intense sometimes, anyway. Something I've never been able to help. It's just how I am. The only Scorpio in my chart is Uranus and North Node. I don't know what that means or if it has anything to do with it. Only thing happening in my 8th house is Saturn in Leo. I don't know where this intensity comes from, but I crave it.

I'm guessing you can relate to this...

Anyway, as it is, I'm sitting at home alone right now with a hundred things to do and a complete aversion to doing any of them because they're so menial. I'd rather write a poem or engage in some *physical activity* of the naked kind.

I find this drive prevents me from doing a lot of things that I "should" be doing.

And it becomes a soul union issue when you have the need to share that with someone and no one seems to get it.

It's a connection thing or something. That unidentifiable craving, drive.

posted June 03, 2005 02:58 PM         

What I remember from your last post, yesterday, was that Saturn return thing.
We both have Saturn in Leo...

posted June 03, 2005 03:12 PM         

The coincidence I was referring to was the day spent hanging out around Lindaland and not being able to post. Each of us for different reasons, but it was insightful for me and it seems to have been for you, too.

posted June 04, 2005 01:59 AM         

Criminal by Fiona Apple

I’ve been a bad bad girl,
I’ve been careless with a delicate man.
And it’s a sad sad world,
When a girl can break a boy
Just because she can.

Don’t you tell me to deny it,
I’ve done wrong and I want to
Suffer for my sins.
I’ve come to you ’cause I need
Guidance to be true
And I just don’t know where I can begin.

What I need is a good defense
’cause I’m feelin’ like a criminal.
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I sinned against
Because he was all I ever knew of love.

Heaven help me for the way I am.
Save me from these evil deeds.
Before I get them done.
I know tomorrow brings the consequence
At hand.
But I keep livin’ this day like
The next will never come.

Oh, help me, but don’t tell me
To deny it.
I’ve got to cleanse myself.
Of all these lies till I’m good
Enough for him.
I’ve got a lot to lose and i’m
Bettin’ high
So I’m beggin’ you before it ends
Just tell me where to begin.
What I need is a good defense
’cause I’m feelin’ like a criminal.
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I sinned against
Because he was all I ever knew of love.

Let me know the way
Before there’s hell to pay.
Give me room to lay the law and let me go.

I’ve got to make a play
To make my lover stay
So, what would an angel say?
’cause the devil wants to know.

What I need is a good defense
’cause I’m feelin’ like a criminal.
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I sinned against
Because he was all I ever knew of love.

posted June 08, 2005 10:21 PM         

Is it going to hurt? Will I get a sucker when it's over?

*off to do more research on Saturn return*

posted June 10, 2005 06:36 PM         

Well thanks. Don't mind if I do. Wasn't sure if I'd be invited, so thanks for the invitation.

posted June 11, 2005 03:38 AM         

My most favourite so far is this cocoa butter/shea butter combo with coconut and chocolate combo.. it is called nut butter, and oh my Gosh, If I had nuts, I would pop them ,and I just want to lick myself.
Then again I have lavender, patchouli, tea tree, highly perfumed... whtevr your preference, I am a bit of a scent junkie.

posted June 12, 2005 04:12 PM         

I found a couple of books really really great. One is called Beauty for Ashes, and the other is The Root of Rejection. Both are by a lady called Joyce Meyer. She is a christian from the states and i find her stuff really good cos she had a really abusive childhood and had to over come so many of these issues, so it sometimes feels like she is writing specifically about me... future you so deserve love and to receive it and to feel the love you are receiving. You can do it, one day at a time.

I have a saying "I'm not where i want to be, but i'm not where i used to be, i'm ok and i'm on my way!"

You're obviously a very special person and I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is something you will overcome, be gentle with yourself ok.