posted February 11, 2005 10:50 PM         

For those of you who don't know what i'm talking about... i'm talking about my libra ex who i dated since high school, went to prom with, was with exclusively for over 4 years and was going to marry. We broke up around last August. I actually told him that i couldn't wait forever for him to get his life together and marry me, and NEEDED him to work some things out on his own (his finacial situation, his depression, etc.) He knew i wanted a ring.. we had been looking at promise rings last February. I expected him to go get help, because his situation was bringing me down to the point of depression and near insanity. He knew what he needed to do, and knew i wanted him to return in a better place with a ring so we could get married!

To make a long story short, he never did. We talked on and off and he would always ask me if i was happy and i would say not really but i am less stressed... i don't have to be involved with paying your rent or buying you food anymore, etc.

We hadn't talked for about a month and a half straight and then i contacted him and said we need to talk. Well, i know i talked about this a million times too, but if you don't know again... he said he just wants to be alone and will never think about us again but wants to be friends, but doesn't feel "comfortable" with it right now. On top of this, he ran off - didn't bother to tell me where he lived nor his phone and most recently changed his aim name almost exactly after he said "yeah, i'll be online if you wanna talk."

My problem is, i'm soooo upset over this. I cry EVERY day. EVERY day. I have for the 6 months since we broke up. I'm breaking down. I love him sooo much. I love him as a person, not just because i'm in love with love. My father had been in the hospital and i love my daddy more than anyone in the world and all i was worried and could think about was my baby. I've grown so much. I don't think i ever knew what love was until now... to be put through hell and come out of it with only love and good will towards the person who inflicted it. I've done everything to let him know. Everything..

We had been emailing each other for two weeks and he responded everyday, but his responses were rudimentary, etc. I stopped emailing 4 days ago to see if he really wanted to email me or was just mailing me to be polite. He hasn't responded...

I don't know what to do.. I graduated college in August and have no job. I wanted a job so bad so we could get a place together and now i have absolutely NO motivation. No motivation in my daily life. It's pathetic. All i do is think of how we are so obviously supposed to be together.. and how he just suddenly erased me from his mind.. in a mere two months after we broke up. He doesn't even have a picture of me.. he first love.. his only kiss.. and he doesn't even care.

I keep thinking that i can "wake" him up. That he is just hurt. He has given me some mixed signals about wanting to be with me.
I don't want anyone else. I doubt i ever will. I will never find that connection with another human being. We were seriously like one - spent every day together.. never fought..knew what each other was thinking..

I will NEVER find that again... so, what do i do? I'm sick right now.. with the flu.. i wake up in a panic attack thinking of him smiling down at me and then realize it will never happen again.. i've come close to being so scared and thrown into and ocean with nothing to support me that i've almost ended me life. The pain is so great.. and it NEVER lets up. Every day i cry - multiple times. The only thing that makes me happy is writing things or painting things for him. Most recently i started writing "Boiled Peanuts" my own "Gooberz" which rhymes. I'm writing him a book!

I'm so sad. I'm so undone. It will never get better. I keep hoping and hoping and only get smacked down every day over and over.

It's funny when i write about my situation with him because whenever i do, it becomes obvious to me that he is very, very hurt and still loves me dearly - and would be willing to give it a chance if he knew i wouldn't hurt him - and that he won't hurt me. That he just needs time... but then he totally blocks me out - not telling me where he lived. i'm so confused.

This is the only place i know where to go. Please help. I feel as if i can cry in front of everyone here - even if just in words. I have no other shoulder to cry on. He was that for me.

What do you do when realize you've met the love of your life? I could never give up. Ever. I could if he was happy, but he is not.. he does not smile.. he says he's not sure he will ever feel "well" enough to be in a relationship again - in his whole lifetime!

posted February 11, 2005 11:09 PM         

I think if you want him to know how much you love him, then you need to listen to what he's saying to you. I've been here before and I really don't think there is anything more awful in the world. I'm really feeling for you right now. I've had more than one occasion to learn that when someone says they just want to be left alone and that they need their space, they're telling you the truth. It's the hardest thing in the world because you know they're hurting and you know they need your love and you try so hard to give it to them and they don't see/accept it. That's because if and until they realize that that's what they want, it won't make any difference in the world how much you love them or how many times you try to make them understand.

You've done your part. The rest is up to him. Right now you've got to take care of yourself. Making the decision to move on is the hardest part because it means acceptance. Remember your love for him... write him one last letter or email if that helps you. Don't make demands, don't try to get him to think about or do anything. Just tell him that you love him and that you feel like what you had between you was special to you and worth fighting for, but you have to move ahead with your life. Then you have to do it.

The fact that he is still responding back when you contact him says that he still cares about you. But if he wanted to initiate contact with you, he would. Just give him time. You need to let go of what you had and make room for what will come. Maybe you'll get back together and maybe you'll just be friends. Maybe this is really the end. But things happen for reasons, and every ending is a new beginning.

Take care of yourself, sweetie... you're going through a very difficult time, so give yourself some space to move through it.

If you ever need to talk about it, let me know. I know how hard this can be.

posted February 11, 2005 11:46 PM         

I wish I knew what to say, other than how I can only pray to God that, someday, some girl will love me even half as much as you so obviously love your Libra boy.

I have nothing but awe, admiration, and profound respect for anybody who feels things as deeply as you are right now.

I would just add that you should never invalidate your suffering. Love is THE hardest drug in the world, and you are in the process of kicking a SERIOUS habit right now.

Be gentle with yourself. Have compassion for yourself. Try to love yourself, and, in time, you will grow strong and learn to stand on your own two feet; his love will no longer be such a crutch for you.

Blessings,
Stephen

posted February 13, 2005 03:01 AM         

I thought about emailing him just as you said and let him know that i know he needs his space and when and if he feels ready he can always call me and we can be friends. I couldn't do it. I couldn't put that final "friends" nail in the coffin, and that's not even me saying i need to move on with my life. sigh.. I don't know when i'll ever be ready for that...

Call me crazy, but I'm not ready to give up yet. I know, i just know he still cares. His mother (who raised him) had a habit of running away. She was married and divorced 3 times and would just run away from her problems. He moved over 45 times in his life. Sometimes, more than twice a week - because she made them. He's not like her, but he has inherited a lot of baggage from her. I just can't give up on him yet.

And to top it off... low and behold he contacted me today - of his own free will - straight out of the blue!!!! I couldn't believe it! He emailed me and asked if i was ok because he hadn't heard anything from me for a couple days. What? Ummm... does anyone here understand why I'm confused now? Why would someone want to talk to an ex every day even if it was just as friends? It just doesn't make sense, you know? sigh...

HSC -

"I wish I knew what to say, other than how I can only pray to God that, someday, some girl will love me even half as much as you so obviously love your Libra boy.

I have nothing but awe, admiration, and profound respect for anybody who feels things as deeply as you are right now. "

WOW!!! You sure know exactly what a girl needs to hear when she is feeling down.

Any girl who wouldn't want a boy like you is a fool.

On a more serious note - I've noticed this is not the first time you have come to my aid with compassion. Thank you, thank you, thank you... from the bottom of my heart.

I'm sure I'll be posting on here again, as the situation seems to change daily. lol. And with his email today, I feel as if I'm back at the beginning all over again... Ahhh!

Ummm... as for our birth details.. do you just copy and paste them? I'll go try i guess. Wish me luck.

posted February 14, 2005 11:32 AM         

How are you feeling today? What a silly question... You must be feeling the same as yesterday and the day before, the same as a month ago... Broken... Desperate... Sometimes life is so hard that getting up is a tough job...

Today things feel as if your life is worth nothing if you donīt have him... You canīt imagine which is the purpose for so much suffering. Because heīs the love of your life, you canīt go on without him... But you can...

The first time I felt this way I took several years to overcome the pain, to feel OK with my life without him, to stop hurting... Then it happened again with a second one... And it took years again, but less years... You always find love again... I know you donīt feel that way now but you will... Sometimes it even comes back... Have you read my story?

He needs that time... And you need him to have that time... You need the healed him, maybe he needs to find answers by himself... To be able to offer you something better... It sounds as if he was very wounded and you donīt deserve a mutilated soul... Give him time to recover, let time show you if he was the right man... I know you say you know... But let time show you...

There is always a right time for everything. Even when you know inside itīs right... Maybe itīs not right NOW... Maybe he is not ready. Or you arenīt withouth knowing it...

Have faith in the Universe. Itīll be all right, sweetie...

posted February 14, 2005 08:09 PM         

steelrose - what an good name and how did you know?

yeah, i stayed in bed today till 7 pm. i feel so horrible. just so absolutely in a depressive funk. I don't care about anything. It's horrible. The day i started this post i sat on my bathroom floor and cried for a very long time....

it's just so hard... this person just acted like nothing between us ever happened. one day it was i love you and the next he talked to me like a robot - and still does. i told you i was shut out - totally. never to be able to find him, was his plan apparently.
he can't tell me why he doesn't care or why it went wrong. it's just "it just didn't work." and that's that. how can a person shut someone out like that when they meant so much to them before? to not be able to look at them or sit and watch them cry for hours and break down and sit there cold, cold, cold... and let their arms hang limp when you try to hug them and shove them away... cold, cold, cold. what is this?

and then why do you accept my gifts, let me in your house, write me back? do you enjoy torturing me? is it fun? do you realize what you are doing?

i stoped writing you on purpose and you wrote back asking what was wrong, why did i stop? and what do you write me in return? just some robot unfeeling response... everyday... as if i am a stranger.

i sent him a little valentines day e-card today. all he says is "I got your message."
well, it was a card and you could have not been a total dick and thanked me for it and been somewhat of a human being (since you say you are over me anyways) and just say happy valentines day back? i say it to my friends, and isn't that what i am? a friend? then why do you treat me like crap and use the most curt, impersonal words that you can?

even i don't write my friends everyday, so what is this?

i wrote your friend awhile back and asked if i should leave you alone because i thought i was hurting you. you hurt me every day. deliberately. why? why didn't you just leave me alone?

posted February 15, 2005 09:02 AM         

When you love someone you donīt torture them... You donīt disappear... You donīt ignore their suffering. When you love someone you donīt inflict them pain. When you love someone, you try with all your heart to make that person happy, you are willing to try and sacrifice... So he must not have loved me then.

If he is so sick that he canīt love anyone then he has to heal away from me. Because I deserve the love I was giving. So do you.

You need to grieve, sweetheart... Just hide in your little cave and cry, lick your wounds for as long as you need to. When you get up in the morning, repeat to yourself “This is one day less I will be suffering”. Because the end will come... The pain will slowly start to lose its grip on you... Donīt put pressure on yourself, it will come to you... And when, one day, you find love again, you will thank the Universe for saving you from that mutilated and selfish soul. A soul who was unable to spare you the torture. When your only sin was loving him.

Because you will become stronger and more human. You will mature. You will be wiser and more compasionate that you ever were.

posted February 15, 2005 05:26 PM         

I am a veteran of Libras, and I can only say
"It's never good enough"

posted February 15, 2005 06:45 PM         

Thanks for the response, and you are very welcome. I'm glad if, as you suggest, my words really did help.

I think you are right about almost all girls being fools (as in "Any girl who wouldn't want a boy like you is a fool."). Seems to me, they aren't interested in sweet, nurturing guys, except as friends -- girls LOVE me as a firend! LOL! No, I think what they really want are guys they cant possibly experience the terror of true intimacy with; cold, aloof, dismissive, self-centered, take-you-for-granted ******** . If they were ready for someone who could love them, they probably would go looking for him - they'd be too busy loving themselves. But, what do I know. I'm pretty bitter right now. Just a crappy day. But, I shouldn't complain. Sounds like you aren't exactly having a blast either, eh?

Anyway, hope you feel better, kiddo.

Hang in there.

posted February 15, 2005 08:48 PM         

I'm glad that I could help, at least a *tiny bit. Steelrose is right when she says that it takes time and some days it's a struggle to even get up. She offers good advice when she says that each day is one less day you have to suffer. That is probably one of the most important things to remember... take things one day at a time. Don't try to get through the whole rest of your life without him-- just try to get through today.

In response to what you said about not being ready to give up on him... you aren't giving up on him-- you are simply making your needs a priority over his. After all, if you don't take care of yourself, how can you be there, even as a friend, for anyone else. I don't think you will ever come to a point where you decide to give up. One day you'll find that either your friendship was accepted or refused, and by then it will have taken care of itself.

posted February 17, 2005 02:35 AM         

I want to run.. I want to run out into the night.. stop the traffic.. dance in the streets!... below your window. Pirouetee round and round with a smile on my face, dressed to the nines in tulle and lace.
My eyes awash with this realization - the world is only what we chose to make.

i'm tempted to pin my blue satin sheets to my celing over my yellow twinkling christmas lights... take you by the hand and lead you into my own little world i've created just for you, full of fairy wings and green velvet chairs... so we could picknic under the stars - just you and i....

I want so much to show him what is beautiful... that life is amazing! if we only let it be!!! venus in pisces optomisim at the 29th degree... yep.. this is me. I can turn rain to champagne and sweep you off your feet...

sigh...
I don't know if i should just give up or not. Sometimes... i feel like this - as if nothing could ever harm us.. or break us apart...nothing!, but optomisim only goes so far when only one person feels it. I've expressed these same sentiments with him before and was met with obsitnate views and coldness once again. who could honestly turn away a smiling person who travelled through a snow storm to deliver a dozen roses?

Nothing has changed. I've stopped writing again back again. I'm so mad at him. I do all the work. He skips out on any repsonsibility. I'm the only one holding it together. It's totally my choice, and i honestly don't know what to do. I know i'm hurting. I know i'm confused. I know if i knew for sure he would never consider us again (which he has said) i would leave all of it behind, forever. But, again.. i only have mixed signals and i'm changing. I'm not the same as i was...

When this is all over and if he does ever want to get back i don't know if i'll even be able to. i'm not the same, and he never took the time to learn the new me when he could (RIGHT NOW!). Will there even be anything left? Am i moving on right now?
I don't feel so very sad. Nothing he could ever do could make up for the pain he purposefully caused me these past months. Abslultely nothing. It's all my decision... like always... he always leaves it to me.

posted February 19, 2005 02:11 AM         

I know exactly what you're going through; i had a similar situation with this Scorpio guy who loved to torture me. Though.. our situation was different - we'd never really been together. When he kept asking me out, i wasn't ready, and when i finally was, he'd moved on. Yet, he'd constantly send mixed signals, and flirt with me, and caused me so much pain every time I opened up my heart to him.

(A side note: Do you ever keep journal? See, back then, I used to write in my (online) journal off & on, when I really needed to vent.) One day, looking back at my journals, I realized with shock, that this boy brought me SO much pain & made me shed so many tears. But I still continued to care for him; I couldn't help it! I didn't think I'd ever get over him even though he'd moved on, because he loved to flirt with me and make me think i'd have been his first choice, and that he'd never gotten over me either. My days were very much like yours; dark & depressing... i felt very much broken.

By then, another guy came onto the scene, and it turned out, he liked me so much, he persisted in being there for me, even though I made it clear I wasn't looking for a relationship; i wasn't over the Scorpio. But, this sweet Piscean was always there when i was most down & needed someone. Being a true Pisces, he opened up his big heart to me fully. With him, I got to experience what unconditional love feels like, and before I knew it, I'd fallen head over heels for him.
My journals about this sweet Pisces were full of joy, and that's when I knew that he's the one for me. THe intensity of feelings that he and I have shared, have FAR surpassed what I'd ever had with the Scorpio.

I guess I'm sharing my story to try to give you the faith that things WILL get better for you... when you're in what seems like such a desperate situation, it's hard to imagine that there'll ever be a time when you'll stop hurting, but TRUST me, that time will come. It may be another guy who's more worthy of you, who will show up to take you past it, or maybe it will happen in your own heart, once you heal. And when that happens, it will be BEAUTIFUL!!

THere was a time when I thought i'd never get over the Scorpio, but now, there's NO looking back for me. Not that my story ultimately had a fairytale ending... "fate" intervened in a way to keep me from my Piscean sweetie, but I have faith that we'll be together someday soon. Sigh... such drama.

And, puppyblew, try keeping journal if you can. I usually start by dumping out my negative thoughts there, then i switch to positive ones. You'll be in a MUCH happier frame of mind once you're done writing! And, we're always here for you if you need support.

posted February 19, 2005 02:25 AM         

HSC: There ARE girls out there who want a warm, caring guy, and who know how to appreciate it when they see it! DOn't give up hope! I was one of the jaded girls who didn't think i'd find such a guy, but then I did! Your girl is out there too...

posted February 19, 2005 04:30 AM         

I have so much to say right now, but it's very, very late and i NEED to get to bed. I will be back very soon and type some more in response to what everyone has said. and that includs you too HSC! (even though you were mean and didn't make your new name Heart Shaped Steve! j/k
right now i'm wondering how long a libra sun with a natal moon in their 7th house can pretend they don't want a relationship.
I actually might have to see him tomorrow at his work because i've been sick for almost two weeks now and need to go to the doctor. fun, fun! I have abslutely no idea how that will go. ugh... wish me luck. (maybe on the christmas lights *whispers they're stars* on my celing...lol)

posted February 19, 2005 10:28 AM         

I also keep a journal... I write in a diary since Iīm 14 and it definitely helps... Especially after the pain is gone, because you can analise the whole thing with perspective...

At the moment Iīm at the stage when you wake up from the nightmare... It took me 6 years... I even had to go through an awful relationship with another deadly Scorpion... He also abandoned me in the middle of it, suddenly, just saying “I donīt believe in a future for us”. And thatīs it. It didnīt matter how much I gave him, even after it...

The word is toxic. They were toxic. I remember still being poisoned by the first one while the second one was torturing me... Now Iīm out of there... Forever... Somehow I found an antidote... And now Iīm ready for true love... And actually, it could be in my horizon...

HSC, all of us have bad days... I donīt blame you for that... Many women all over the world could say exactly what you said about men. We all feel that way sometimes... But maybe thatīs only because itīs easier to blame others than take full responsibility. Itīs not that all men are selfish, childlike, capricious, inmature and cowardly creatures. I just happened to pick two of them... Iīll be more careful next time.

Thanks Future_Uncertain, Iīm glad you liked what I said...

Hang on there, Puppy, you will find love one day. Donīt get desperate. Sorry to say this, but he does sound very undeserving and unworthy. Only time can heal you. But you need to be in the right frame of mind as well. Stop thinking of him as your Twin Soul, as the only person you will ever be able to love... There will be another one, TRUST me... At least one more... What you describe is not love, itīs torture... Itīs you pouring love on him. He is draining you... Forget about it, save your energy for someone who deserve it.

For a while you will tremble with the only thought of seeing him, of talking to him... But that will disappear one day... When it clicks within you, when you realise he wasnīt who you thought he was... When you coldly can see how nasty and awful he was. How well you are without him.

posted February 19, 2005 01:42 PM         

My friend is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. She is strong and capable and has the ability to love and forgive like no other I know. You remind me of her. She is with a man who is musician and he treats her like sh!t.
She was pregant with his child but he didnt want to know, so circumstances forced her to have an abortion.
On top of this her whole family disowned her for choosing to be with him. They are of different religions and are of different class!
He waltzes in and out of her life whenever he chooses, constantly refers to things from the past that bear no relevance whatsoever to their current relationship i.e her ex-boyfriends, or boy friends she may have. she has since stopped all her male contacts.
And he is a crack-cocaine addict, so she deals with a lot of mood swings.
But she loves him so and despite the fact that I have encouraged her many many times to leave, she doesnt want to because she too feels she will never get the same love again. Mostly it is because she cannot be bothered with trying to find that connection again. It did frustrate me because I could see that he was just taking the p!ss.
He has this beautiful woman who is so loving him for all that he is and all that he could be, and he is taking it for granted because he knows no matter what he does she will take him back. She does each and everytime.

Life is too short for all that. What more can you do? Its time to be strong, puppyblew.

The thing is you never leave somebody you love. You may leave them physically, but they are still there in your heart with you at all times. Ask him! If he doesnt love you anymore, the way you want to be loved (and truly means it), then he should stop faffing about and let you be. You are young, and there is plenty of time to connect again and again.

posted February 20, 2005 01:50 AM         

My second (and current) Scorp relationship is what is currently keeping me from my Piscean sweetie. Even after I realized my love for the Piscean, cruel fate intervened (it's a looong, tragic story), to link me to this second Scorpio. He'd seemed so nice and sweet on the surface, but he's really a very complex person, seething with emotions on the inside. He puts on one facade when we're with company, and another when we're alone. No matter what i've done for him and how open i've been, he's full of distrust, plays his cards close to his chest, and done other things that have basically made me regret my involvement with him, over and over again. Not to knock Scorpios though.. after I met the first, I've always thought they're a fascinating lot, but I've discovered, "just not for me". As Linda says in her Sun Signs, I think i should've laced up my sneakers and headed for the next state when i met this one. Sigh... i will be free of him soon, i hope, and then I can finally move on with my life.

Puppy: Did you run into him at the Dr's? How did it go? I hope you're feeling better... take care.

posted February 21, 2005 01:17 PM         

But he still was toxic... As you said a “love vampire” (I love that expression... Itīs so accurate...). They were like a drug, a very addictive one... You know they are bad for you, you know they are killing you, but you still canīt help going back for more...

The way of getting rid of the addiction for the second one was as simple (and as drastic) as moving countries. It took a lot of courage and pain to leave him behind... You think you are gonna die without them when you are going to be born again... Now I know I wonīt see him again. Now, I donīt have the temptation of chasing him, of ringing him, of seeing him... He is out of my life even when he tries desperately to keep in touch and “be friends”... Itīs not quite the same... Iīm safe now. Iīm free. An email or a chat through the Internet now and again doesnīt have the magnetic power of his pysichal presence...

They draw you to a black hole, to a magnetic trap... You canīt hide, you canīt escape... You are hypnotised... You are weakened, they suck your love... I tend to feel pity for them, they are like children inside, abused and thirsty children, who need love so desperately that they become monsters... They are unable to give back. Sometimes I even think there is a karmic reason for it. They must suffer a lot, they are creatures of darkness who are here to change... But many of them just get dragged by their lowest instincts...

Iīd advise you to get rid of him... I know they are fascinating... But you need to desintoxicate... Avoid him. Get as far away as possible from him. Heīll keep hurting you... Concentrate in your Pisces... I know he is not as magnetic, he is not as powerful... But you will be happier...You only need to clean yourself from that drug. Thatīs what matters.

Good luck!!!

By the way, are you an Aries? You could help my friend!!! Have a look to this thread: http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum10/HTML/001404.html

posted February 23, 2005 01:29 AM         

Puppyblew: sorry, i didn't mean to hijack your thread Where'd ya go?? Do come back and let us know you're doing alright!

posted February 23, 2005 10:16 AM         

Sunshine, sorry about confusing you with an Aries... Yes, I suppose you donīt sound like an Aries... You sound much more rational and careful... More similar to me... Iīm a Virgo... I got confused with the image... I know itīs a goat, but I saw a ram...

I saw your reply in the thread about my friend!!! Thanks... It all sounds very reasonable, thatīs a pretty good advice.

Iīm looking forward to hearing about your story... My Aries friend jokes about me having a Master degree with honours in Scorpio male Psychology... She does respect my opinion as if I was an authority in the matter... New stories always add value to my research and knowledge...

posted February 24, 2005 01:37 AM         

i went to the doc., but he gave me samples instead of a perscription, so i didn't have to see him, but i went over anyways.. yeah, i'm weak..
i stopped writing him for 5 days when i went in to see him, and he actually seemed normal and not ****** at seeing me. he said that he was just going to write to me today, because he hadn't heard anything for awhile (i believe him, because if you read above, the same thing happened the week before - i stopped writing for 4 days, he caved. )
so, he said about wanting to write me, and said he got a phone and stuff - to which i was like, well, why not just call me then?
he seemed wary of the idea and kept saying ok then, so i'll just email or call you and i was like call! so, he said he would.

flash forward - he calls that night exactly when he said he would. unfortunately, he was in a car and we couldn't talk much, but he said he would be on aim and im me so we could talk... well, we kept missing each other online (our scheduals are complete oppostite now days) he wrote me and apologized for not being able to talk long the next day and we exchanged a few emails about instant messaging each other... but we never were on at the same time...

it's funny because his emails became more personal than before.. he actually asked for my opinion on some programming stuff he is working on. quite odd.

he knows how i feel, so why does he keep emailing me every day? i just don't get it!!
like i said, on vday, i sent him something that said "i love you" so, he knows how i still feel. is this just cause he thinks i want to be freinds? i stopped writing him twice, and he just starts again. odd

so, today i called him and we talked for an hour and a half. it was ok. i talked mostly. we laughed. it was an easy conversation... we are so comfortable with each other... i can tell he is holding back. he doesn't want to discuss any feelings and was hoping i wouldn't. i could tell.
i asked him if he wanted to go to the movies after i told him i was going to go see phantom of the opera. he declined. he said something like "maybe later" and i was like maybe later as in not tomorrow, or as in like way later/another movie.. it was later (unspecified) and when a movie came out he wanted to see. he said he didn't like going to movies too much. i knew it was just cause he doesn't want to see me. if you want to see someone you do WHATEVER they want to - just to be able to be graced by thier presence, you know?

we ended the convo - i did actually, because i knew it went on longer than he had expected/wanted it to. he didn't say anything about calling me or i should call him again. but, i suppose we are still emailing. god, what is this?

i got off the phone and cried. i've been crying alot lately. it's like - i know this is good - us being friends, because it's a step closer to him liking me again and being comfortable with me again, but it just seems like the closer i get to him, the worse i feel. i get it stuck in my face everyday that he only wants "friends" right now, and i'm just a "friend" and not loved as i was before. ugh.. it's sooo hard. i've been going between telling him i can't do this and to never talk to me again, but i just LIVE for that daily email... and it gives me hope.

again - i don't know what to do.
i'm still writing him that book. i want to give it to him, when i am finished, but it will be quite a while still...
i don't know what to do... the emails that he keeps up say that he doens't want to let me go all together... but am i wasting my time? i'm so depressed. if i tell him to go away, i'm afraid of what will happen to me. i'm not even a full person anymore. as i said when i started this email... what is wrong with me? i still cry practically every day. i spent a quarter of my life with this man. i miss him terribly. how can he just forget so easily? why doesn't it bother him? how can he not want to call me like i want to call him?

the funny thing is.. when i ignore him for awhile, he comes back.. at least lately, anyways. i suppose it's human nature, eh?
i'm wondering if i should tell him i can't do this anymore and just leave and see what happens... i feel like i have a good chance, considering he's a libra and can't make up his mind at the moment. if i make it up for him, he will do the opposite, like he has now with me saying we need to get back together... if i say we need to be apart.. it'll be "but, are you sure?"

i don't know. that's just wishful thinking perhaps...

now, i really haven't said anything i meant to when i wrote earilier, but this is what has been happening lately, and what is on my mind. why can't i just enjoy myself while he is making up his mind.. i know he'll come back evenutally.. in the mean time, why must i feel like crap?

posted February 25, 2005 07:24 AM         

I understand you miss him. I understand you want to see him. That you feel you will be incomplete the rest of your life if he is not there... But you need to get out there and find someone that truly deserves you. You feel that way because you love him.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are not pathetic. He is pathetic, not you. Of course it hurts to see that he only wants friendship because you donīt want that... You donīt want to be his friend... You just hope that he will change his mind, but what if he doesnīt... Donīt keep hoping for things to happen that may not happen... Your happiness canīt depend on that...

Itīs normal that you feel depressed. That you still cry. Crying is healthy, it helps you to feel better, to get anguish out... I cried for years for the men I loved, each time less years though

Of course itīs not enough. You want it all and he only emails you after 5 days without news from you. He wants to keep you there, but he leaves you in the cold. Think that there are better guys out there, even if you you feel you only want to be with him... He is pushing you out... Of course he is fond of you, you have been together for very long... But that is not love... If he loved you he’d be with you right now... Trying to push him and force him, chasing him only makes things worse... He gets paranoid and runs away, you suffer seeing how he leaves you behind, how he doesnīt respond...

You deserve better and youīll get it... Just hang on there. Have faith.