posted September 12, 2005 01:53 AM         

I was sitting in my home, piddling about on the guitar and watching TV on mute, and all a sudden I became overwhelmed with thoughts about someone I've never met nor am certain even exists that made me feel such an incredible pain like total heartbreak combined with total despair. I even began shaking and having trouble breathing because the feeling was so intense, even though it was purely a emoitonal/spiritual pain, and not physical. I cried although I fought against breaking down into complete sobbing. It lasted only a few minutes, but still, it was some overpowering that it left me deeply unnerved.

You see, for a long time, as long as I can remember, I have had this sense that there's someone I should be with, or at least have in my life. Maybe it's just a soulmate thing, maybe its a twin soul - I don't know. It's not like a romantic thing - it's more "essential" as if I can't do what I should do in this life and be the person I should/want to be until this person comes into my life.

Over time I've had other strange experiences like visions or precognitions that seem to relate to this, but they're always vague and rather confusing. If these previous experience mean anything, then they suggest the person will be male, older than me, artistic and most likely a musician, very aware and confident that he has a role to play in my life, and will remain in my life until one of us dies.

For some reason, I find it very hard to have much faith that I'll met this peson or if he even exists. I often impulsively tell myself that it'll just wishingful thinking (or that it's just my Pisces moon having some wild Neptunian delusion). I remember once, when I was a teen, having a physic tell about how she forsaw a "knight in shining armor" figure that would come into my life - I laughed at that, because it seems so fairy-talish, but in some ways, this is kind of what it should be...if it happens to be true.

posted September 12, 2005 12:16 PM         

gosh, i know how you feel. it's hard to believe that these gut hunches are valid because it is so easy to rationalize them away.

i think you should pay attention to them, though. i've had these funny dreams myself, or flashes, and i do think they mean something. if anything it's like you said, your gut is telling you you need this learning exchange, and that it is going to be part of your life experience. god, i know that sounds lame. i really believe it, though.

please know you can write me any time you want - you still have my address i hope. i know it sounds weird, but i've been thinking about you. i just like your energy, and i hate to think of you feeling so much despair. i wish there was something i could do to help. ive been going through so much myself, and ive thought about writing you these long rambling letters but i never do 'cause i dont want to be a bother. you can always write me long rambling letters though, i will never mind and will even be glad to respond in kind.

posted September 12, 2005 01:16 PM         

I feel your pain! As a fellow Gem I know how that feels. I get really intense feelings about ppl I haven't met either. I've felt very strong emotional connections and sometimes the sense that I should be with another person and I'll talk myself out of it.

I've thought about certain ppl and believed with everything in me that we "belong" together. I've started to trust my feelings and mu gut alot more than I used to as I get older.

Loneliness can be a painful thing. I encourage you to hang in there and reach out to those you love and care about because they can help you.

Peace!

posted September 12, 2005 03:01 PM         

I can really relate and I’m not even a Gemini. : ) In each of my last relationships, I’ve been plagued by a sense of “wrongness” – a feeling that I should be somewhere else – or with someone else. I even have experienced a sense of betrayal when entering into a new relationship – like I was letting someone down. Now, I would normally chalk this up to something fundamentally broken and hurt in my own personality. I’ve worried that my own fears of abandonment and worries about entering into another relationship doomed to failure were manifesting in this nebulous feeling that I should actually be with someone else - A bit like the classic “cold feet” syndrome.

The only thing that’s given me hope that I’m not crazy is the dreams. Since I was very young I’ve been beset my dreams of a man I’ve never met. These dreams are generally characterized by profound love, sacrifice, and sorrow. That stand out in my mind as odd, because the man in them is not my physical ideal – I normally go for the wispy black-haired dark types. The fellow in my dreams is blonde. The same person has appeared in several dreams, but the most poignant came during my longest running relationship. I dreamt I was dancing, and this dark haired man came up and started dancing with me. I had this sense of absolute oneness with him, we flowed together as if we’d been born to dance with one another. Then halfway through the waltz his wig fell off, revealing blonde hair. I had this sense that he was utterly ashamed, like he’d tried to make himself my physical ideal so as to be close to me. He ran off and the dream ended, but it left me shaken to the core, because I felt how incredibly sad he was and how much he longed for me.

At the end of things, I’m still not sure if I’m not just profoundly broken, doomed to always look longingly at the grass on the other side of the fence, sure in my soul that it’s greener. However, there is a part of me that hopes that one day, if I’m patient enough and wait long enough, I’ll meet this strange, golden haired man, and we’ll manage to flow through life together like we flowed through that dance.

There is another part of me that fears if I wait for this fellow forever I may pass up on a host of wonderful men while I’m looking for this dream-fellow that might not even exist. So, the way I’ve balanced myself in this area is to promise myself that I will keep my eyes and heart open for someone that feels like “home” to me. The Celts believe that when you find your Anam Cara (your soul friend) you will feel utterly safe, like you’ve come home. This is now the gauge I use to judge all potential new relationships – if some fellow does not make me feel utterly safe and comfortable being me, then I move on. Perhaps adopting a similar mindset will help you.

posted September 13, 2005 04:29 PM         

i was doing some reading today, do you ever read any noel tyl? i like his work. anyway, check out this passage on the vertex...

The Vertex axis is not an especially strong point in a natal chart unless it has a planet or Node conjunct it or in close to exact aspect with it.

· If it has a planet or Node conjunct, it often becomes an over-riding force that makes the Vertex and that planet stronger than anything else in the chart, including a planet conjunct the Ascendant or MC.

· If it has a planet in close aspect it enhances that planet’s nature, its sign and house to a considerable degree, making that planet a very strong focus in the chart.

· A planet conjunct or in a close to exact aspect to the Vertex tends to give a specific and often intense destiny – something the person is required to do or experience for greater soul development, or must do in order to find meaning in life – or both!

· Therefore Vertex stimulation can have an almost compulsive effect that overrides all other considerations.

The Vertex axis can have such a strong effect because it is the third and most powerful axis in the life development process.

The Ascendant axis describes the physical body and brain and the environment in which a child is reared. A child does not see herself or himself as an individual, but as a part of a family and the environment.

As this child grows into an adult, s/he develops a sense of self as an individual, and eventually moves into the world to “make a mark”. This process is described by the MC axis, and in our cultures this process is mainly experienced through a career or avocation.

The Vertex axis stimulates Cosmic Awareness, an understanding that an individual is an integral part of the Universe, not just an isolated, separate entity. This is an enormously important and deeply freeing realization, but it can often require intense experiences (pleasant and/or unpleasant) to awaken someone to this understanding. This doesn’t mean that people without planets on angles in connection to the Vertex don’t have cosmic awareness, but it does mean that there is not such a strong stimulus to develop this awareness in this lifetime.

The Vertex axis can be likened to a doorway that gives access to other realities. It is usually highly emphasized, with a planet conjunct (orb 8°), in the charts of people who have this ability. The doorway is of the nature of the sign and house where the Vertex resides and powerfully emphasizes that sign, making it at least as important as that of the Ascendant and MC.

here's the whole article:
http://www.noeltyl.com/techniques/050531.html

and guess what! you have your NN at 15 aquarius (same as me) closely conjunct your vertex at 13 aqua. mars is pretty close too, at 18 aqua.

i think this sheds some light on your gut feelings about that mystery someone who will help you grow! i think that somehow, you must know that you need this, and that you will have it because you need it in order to grow, and being aware of this need will draw this person to you. that's just a thought...

posted September 13, 2005 07:34 PM         

------------------
Gemini sun, Cancer rising, mercury in Gemini, moon in Taurus *29, venus in Taurus, mars in Libra

"You must live in the infinite blackness that exists when I close my eyes. I see you when I fall asleep, I see you when I dream."

posted September 17, 2005 09:48 AM         

I think some of this is my last romantic disappointment - he probably isn't the "one" but he was still very special and incredible guy. Whoever ends up with him will be very blessed, but it won't be me.

I too have had experiecnes with romatic relationships were it just seemed "wrong" and I had to get out. Now I pick up on this earlier on so I can avoid gtting involved too deeply and then going "Man, I need to get out of this." LOL. I p*ss off people who try totell e that I need to work at getting along with a guy, that it's not about waiting for the right one, but really about compromising - I heard that as "settling" and I can't go along with that. I feel silly tellign them, "I think there's really only one person I should be looking for," but that's how I feel. Again I don't know if this is suppsed to be romantic, but there's a sense that another romantic entanglement would hinder em in finding this person. Also, this "soulmate" thing seems to always reveal what is lacking in any relationship I attempt.

Chrissy - my Mars is at 18 Aqua, with my NN at 15 Aqua and Vertex at 13 Aqua - it's a heavy duty sensitive spot on my chart, especially considering it's also one of the points of my air grand trine with Uranus at 9 Libra (a singleton no less) and my Sun, Ceres, Mercury and MC, at 24, 21, 17, 13 Gem respectively. I know that having my Mars-NN so tightly conjunct my Merc-MC is significant in terms of my creativity and potential, but I wonder if my vertex trine MC is too - certainly it most add something to this mix.

The Aqua-NN-vertex thing is very wierd because my Aqua is just past my 6th house cusp (17 Aqua), while the NN and vertex are still in my 5th. I attract a lot of artistic-creative Aquarian types, but sometimes that 6th house Mars repells them. Very frustrating. Perhaps that's why this "soulmate" is supposed to be very confident - he probably can't be anyone who'd be easily scared off by my b*tchy 6th house Mars, lol.