posted February 05, 2006 01:05 PM         

I have always wanted so badly to express my love...it's hard at the moment for me because I parted from my husband and Valentine's Day's coming up...but I think back to previous years, Valentine's Day (which happened to be my husband's birthday), my birthday, Christmas...he NEVER wanted to make love on these days, or get romantic...instead, he arranged to visit his parents, or have them visit us...which (correct me if I'm wrong) said something to me about the way he viewed me. I don't know, I always wanted to make these days a little bit special, have us go somewhere different for a change, just enjoy each other's company, give pleasure to each other...by the time he'd come to realize that that was what I expected, I had fallen out of love with him. His family also resented me, particularly his mother, who never forgave me for marrying him (they lived together almost as husband and wife prior to our marriage).

I painted a picture for my mother when I was 9 years old, for Mother's Day, and after an argument (which was pretty normal and had nothing to do with the day itself, or the gift) she threw it down the stairs (which told me exactly what she thought of me). When I was 16, out of spite, she told me about an affair my father had had when I was a baby (the implication being that I was the reason). This had the effect of wrecking my life for a long time to come. I felt I couldn't trust anybody, not her, not my father (he was physically abusing me at the time), not any future partner, not anyone.

My father never wanted to pay for anything in connection with me, though I was his only daughter. However, he pays for loads of stuff in connection with his partner's children (of which there are 4).

My husband also physically abused me during our marriage and I eventually left him because of that. Even friends I feel I can't trust because they will say one thing to my face and another behind my back. Or they will just ignore me, at times when I need their help most (I try very hard not to be a needy person).

Emotionally I just don't know what to do. I recently resumed contact with my parents but I feel at this point in time that it is not for the best. When I was not speaking to my mother on a regular basis I hardly ever used to cry. Now I seem to cry frequently, it's almost as if being in contact with her saps my strength and makes me vulnerable. At this point in time I feel myself hating her, she still has to be in competition with me, I was speaking to her on the phone about some January sale bargains I got yesterday, and I could almost feel her envy down the line - I know it sounds pathetic, but that's how it is - she has to outdo me in everything.

Is there not one person out there who can have a relationship without having some sort of stake in it, other than love?

All I want is just to be cuddled, given love genuinely and from the heart, as I am capable of giving...everyone I have loved has always complained I am too physical, what they don't understand is that it fulfils a deep emotional need in me. I love to love, and to be loved. Is that too much too ask? I feel so terribly disappointed right now (and you won't often hear me complaining in this way!!).

posted February 05, 2006 01:21 PM         

It doesn't always happen at the right time, but compromising on our ideals, moves up forward a bit at a time, and finding that person who is willing to give a little takes a lot of work.

Like wiggling a candy machine back and forth after you put the money in, to get the goodies. Let people know you are angling for love and cuddles and they come to you but it's not a lot at once.

Recently I asked someone out dancing and I do not find him particularly attractive, plus he is sleeping with someone, and is not looking for that with me. Still I couldn't hold back, and he mentioned that he dances around the house by himself a lot. So what could I do but compromise? No cuddle, but I get to dance with him.

I made a deal in my head and offered it to several men and one accepted.

Aries Tiger don't wait for someone else to make the first move, make a deal, and offer it up, no matter what the day, a little dinner, wine, or whatever he wants to do as long as it's not too much, can be good for your soul.

Trying men who are a bit younger than you can help too, older ones are a bit rigid, and younger ones like the feeling of being with a woman who is more real, and sure of herself. Also they see you as someone likely to stick around and trust leads to open feelings. Older men seem to trust less around me.

To me I view it like this, you just ended a relationship and have no experience in dating, you are like a young girl starting out all over again. All you need is a little cuddle from someone who is at the same stage as you.

Put up a banner Aries Tiger is looking for a cuddle! Where do you live and what's your number? Can I publish?

I am hoping, waiting on a Pisces, who is younger. He said that I sort of rejected him at first so he showed me up by going out with a woman my age and telling me about it-to tease me. Now I want to hear about it and want to get into the game. I won't ever reject a man for age reasons ever again, especially if he's fun.

He was funny at first because he felt I was timid. He decided to help me by calling our dates Faux Dates. So maybe go on some Faux Dates? It worked on me.

posted February 05, 2006 01:40 PM         

What I do is just write it down all when I am sad,upset or angry and maybe sometimes I find solutions for it or tell myself maybe I am expecting too much from life. Lastly I just tell myself "Life isn't fair and it would never be." and sometimes it's just difficult to change situation and the ones who are around us.

quote:

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Put up a banner Aries Tiger is looking for a cuddle! Where do you live and what's your number? Can I publish?

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Do I qualify ? I am not a man....

posted February 05, 2006 02:56 PM         

*****AriesTiger is looking for a cuddle!!!!!*****

Love to you both, Natasha & Freebird - shall we just have a group hug?

Wish I had access to one of AJ's smilies - ya' know, the one with the "lots of" smiley people and the banner - that normally says "Welcome!".

(Well, it would, in this case, too!! )

Your suggestion about younger men sounds good, Natasha - something I had considered fleetingly before. Older men are too wrapped up in their work, a bit "parent-like"...probably past their best ...we'll see how it goes.

Freebird, I do definetely find writing things down helps. Or asserting myself in a way that will make me feel confident and larger than life, not sad and small!!

posted February 05, 2006 03:29 PM         

I am not a diet nazi, I go along with whatever they choose to consume - but it appears that their going along with my requirements is too much of an ordeal. It's ridiculous. I mean, it's not my FAULT that I am allergic to all sorts of stuff (including GM foods, which I was never allergic to BEFORE they were modified), but they seem to enjoy implying that it is.

posted February 05, 2006 03:45 PM         

The thing is that all that stuff is an illusion, that men are duped by - they go for the woman who doesn't say anything, or is markedly less educated than themselves, and then realise later they're bored, and haven't spoken more than two words to each other during the whole of their marriage.

Or on the other hand there are those men (or people) that seem to thrive on one's getting upset - they actually actively enjoy the conflict, it turns them on (have to watch out for those, as there is the risk of getting upset over nothing). They like having the power to get you upset. They can't give love freely and allow for a gentle exchange, they wouldn't ever want to give up their control, they're shortchanging themselves as well as you, because they are keeping themselves from experiencing bliss of the purest kind...sad that they'll never change, as long as they live.

My love is straightforward, direct, warm, passionate and generously lavished on the right person; I am an incredibly caring, gentle and enthusiastic lover and all I need is someone who is not afraid to reciprocate my feelings, without fear or hesitation, and who is open and honest with me. Please?

posted February 05, 2006 04:01 PM         

As far as liking myself goes, I do, pretty much, although I am also aware of my faults and am told I put myself down too much. I don't think I do, I think that is just my being objective, but maybe others see it differently. Deep inside I can occasionally be like a very scared insecure fluffy bunny - the tough Aries exterior is a bit of a front - and a number of guys have picked up on the fact that I really care an awful lot about what other people think of me (rather than being entirely my own person). It's like with my art. I have been advised recently that I maybe try to design too much what I think people would like, rather than following my own star. I am desperate to please (a ton of 6th House activity - Moon, Jupiter, Venus - in Pisces) and have recognition for my efforts!!

posted February 05, 2006 04:44 PM         

That you are beginning to source in on your Aries energy. Even though you are going through a difficult time in understanding and relating, I can see your Aries aura beginning to focus and you gradually stepping into that place.

posted February 05, 2006 05:44 PM         

quote:

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I've been thinking. Maybe I ought to act a little more helpless, dumb, fragile, mysterious?

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posted February 05, 2006 06:51 PM         

Im sorry you are feeling down today.

Having read many of your past posts, I would just like to say you seem like a wonderful and dynamic woman. You are someone's "perfect fit."

Come to think of it........*contemplates dating a woman an ocean away*......... um...nevermind lol

Feel better ariestiger

Regards,

Focused Chi

posted February 06, 2006 02:40 PM         

Focused Chi, Ariestiger, is a stunning looking woman.....in short, she has a lot going on......

posted February 06, 2006 04:48 PM         

Aphrodite, you have a brilliant command of yourself and capacity for seeing the bigger picture. About owning my aura - yes, that is true - I am hopefully not far off, although achieving proper independence will mean lots of concentration on practicalities for the time being, and lots of financial input, time, and hard work. (Saturn in Leo - I kid you not!) On the positive side, here and there, I am also starting to attract people who would encourage me to be myself a bit more, and who do seem to genuinely care about that fact. I think my Chiron (Aries) was trining Pluto nicely yesterday, according to astro.com...apparently this influence lasts until December!! So maybe this could be the reason behind my feeling pain.

Focused Chi - thank you for your nice comments.
Sue g - gotta love ya!!

posted February 06, 2006 08:37 PM         

Write down what you want, specifically in a loving relationship, the type of man you want in your life, and he will appear, just make sure you really know what details matter to you.
Love to you, and warm luck,...

posted February 06, 2006 10:52 PM         

LTR material:>

Maybe you are just sick of living alone so suddenly? Could you share your space with someone?

Younger men do have less going on in terms of work, life, children, and yes the older ones are a bit controlling over the little things. Plus younger men are forward thinking which is good.

I don't know about about acting mysterious, becuase you already are, but you are loving which men see as wife like, yet you are so independent which is a contradiction. Compromise is where you move forward but you get less of what you want, if you want love then independence has to lessen. Find out where you are happiest compromising and let men know about it. Just telling a man you are willing to compromise to have a meaningful relationship ought to get him to listen.

Just the word compromise conjures up images of getting to know someone, making a committment. Keep compromise on your mind, and you won't have to go to any extreme.

For me, a Taurus as well as Aries women, compromise is really hard, but when we focus, other people can sense when we are ready. Talk about living together, living arrangements, dogs, cats, people, anything but work with men.

It's come to the point for myself where I hate to live alone, and I am considering moving in with someone, not as a romance, next month. I love my cats but I have to compromise as I need more human companionship, and I am willing to compromise finally. My ex can take the cats for a while. Plus after expenses I end up paying out most of my income towards housing.

Anyway the Pisces thought you were cute, and he is serious about a LTR with a fiesty woman.

Natasha

posted February 08, 2006 02:38 PM         

quote:

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I don't know if anyone else feels the same...

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posted February 08, 2006 03:40 PM         

I read your first post on this thread and my heart went out to you. I dont know what to say. Somehow, "I'm sorry you had to suffer through all that bullsh!t," doesnt quite cut it (am I really making a pun about "cutting the sh!t", at a time like this? - Yes, I suppose I am). Anyway, I dont even know how to react in the face of biographies like yours; how to reconcile your experience with my own. I've had it pretty easy myself, although the issue of unhealthy relationships has also come up for me lately. I think you have every right to speak up, to tout your own horn and complain about how you've been treated, after all you've given and all you've been through, and, unfortunately, it may be the only way to get the attention you truly deserve and need.

As for how you've been treated,

All I can say is, "It's not you!"

Sure, there is an esoteric principle at work,
and we are drawing to us mirrors of our shadow-sides, but, all that means, is, for some unconscious reason (some unfair belief you picked up along the way about yourself), you've accidentally drawn to you people who will treat you as you once believed you should be treated. But, now you are standing up for your rights, beginning to realize and embrace the good person you really are, and to discard the old beliefs about yourself that never served you. And the effects will stagger you. You may still draw people into your life who will treat you unfairly, for a little while, but, you will not tolerate them for long. And, as you close the doors on those unhealthy relationships, you are free to open new doors to healthier ones.

I think its great (and kind of amazing) that you've been through all this, and still manage to take a relatively objective (is that an oxymoron?), open-minded view of life.

"Nothing teaches and nothing prejudices like experience."
- Me

You've learned a great deal, without being prejudiced by it, and that is rare. One must have a great capacity for objectivity (height of perception) to keep balanced in times of great subjectivity (depth of experience). Its always remarkable to come across a person who has both.

I think you, like a lot of people with Pisces energy, have probably chosen a difficult path, in order to expunge a huge portion of karmic debt in a single lifetime. This just shows how truly strong you are. In any case, I think you've earned a little peace of mind and the presence in your life of someone who will love you with the same kind of love that you are capable of. You are opening to it now, and you will attract it, as naturally as a blossoming flower attracts a busy bee. You are coming into harmony with the universe, and universal law will take care of the rest. Believe it. You deserve it. I am not sad, but I am happy for you, because I can see it coming for you. You may as well begin to celebrate now!

"Whatsoever things you desire,
Believe that you receive them,
And you shall have them."
- Jesus of Nazareth

Love to You,
{{{ }}}
Heart-Shaped Cross
(Steve)
(ScorpioHorse)

posted February 08, 2006 04:06 PM         

Love to you,
Steve

posted February 08, 2006 05:57 PM         

Steve, if you would like my birth data, it runs as follows: 16:15, 18th April 1974, Bristol, England.

posted February 09, 2006 04:48 PM         

Not that I know much about astrology... I just wanted to say that I think an Aries with Pisces influence is wonderful.

I know a lady who is Aries with venus in Pisces. Wow. She's incredible. Has such an open, warm, charismatic personality. Very pretty also.

She has more nerve and courage than most people I know... she doesn't even notice it... it just comes natural.

posted February 09, 2006 04:56 PM         

A lot of men are intimidated by them. This is a woman that can do just about anything a man can and then some... and make no apologies for it. They also won't play the coy, innocent female for a man's attention either.