posted July 27, 2006 02:38 PM         

After having three husbands, I now know for sure that men are not in the main able to be there for us emotionally, only women can do that......

It has taken me a long time to reach this conclusion and much thought and gnashing of teeth...

Men are good at doing "men things" and then when emotional pressure is put on to them, most of them hide in their caves....in work, in sport, in cars etc etc etc.

Maybe we are just meant to be together to pro create, just to keep the world turning around and populated.....?

posted July 27, 2006 02:45 PM         

What is the situation between you now? How do you react to him when he decides to contact you again? Do you act like it's all okay, or do you let him know he hurt you?

In a way, I think it's emotional terrorism... because one thing I have noticed in our relationship over the last two years is that I am TERRIFIED of saying or doing the wrong thing, or making him feel uncomfortable in any way... for fear that he would stop talking to me (as he's so fond of doing!). That's not a good thing at all. He's also extremely spoilt and a total mama's boy, so I fear that he thinks that if a woman doesn't cater to his every whim, emotional and otherwise, then he is not bothered with her. I hope I'm wrong about that.

I've also tried to coach myself out of making excuses for him... fear of intimacy? You know... it's very likely... but I don't want to flatter myself and risk getting disappointed if I don't hear from him again until he's marrying someone he met 2 minutes ago and having babies with her... because that would just burst my bubble in the worst way and I couldn't deal with another blow from him like that. So I just tell myself he doesn't feel the same and deal with it... Unless he grows a pair tells me otherwise, I don't want to kid myself.

posted July 27, 2006 03:00 PM         

Pisces men can be a trip in themselves..

This is just a suggestion for you, I know that you say that you are through and you may very well be, but if he returns and he more then likely will, I would deal with him distantly and not go on his words but his actions. I would not give him to much and be careful about how much I except from him. His type has to take baby steps and really, really slow for awhile. My guy is a Aqua and boy oh boy have I learned from him. One would think that he was in control but really I am I just allow him to feel think so..

When I could not figure out what was going on with my Aqua guy the first time we got together he was acting really distant and weird Iasked his best buddy what was his friends problem does he not like me, he said to me. Time and space give him that and you will have him..This time around that is what he is getting and it is alright..One has to be patient though.. I am learning patience on a regular basis and I like it.. :-)

posted July 27, 2006 03:15 PM         

Venus~ I initially just responded to his email, which asked me to give him a call, by emailing back that he had had my letter for a while and knows he can call me if it's going to be something different than it's been before. But then I worried that I was being too much of a hard-a$$ and playing games, so I proceeded to call him the next day, got the voicemail of course and I just left a short, pleasant message saying nothing signficant. Next day, I felt compelled to follow up w/ a text saying, "I still want you but don't know what you're after or how to make this work." That was over the weekend, and it's been a week since his email and not heard further from him. It's crazy! He tells ME to call HIM, and I do against my better judgment, and now here I sit waiting and wondering what his deal is.

I love that- "grow a pair" of what you said about BALLS! I think that's what the deal is... at first I thought he's playing me, just being cruel or fishing to see if I'm still hanging on, but I really realize now that he is just too nervous, afraid, and scared to make a phone call and may be working up to it and trying to get the courage. If and when he calls, I won't confront him on anything too serious. I really wish he had just stayed MIA and not done this because it's the same exact cycle repeating now, only it's starting off worse because he can't even get it going this time! He has moon-pluto, moon-neptune, and neptune-pluto, trines and conjunction and a Pisces venus. I know the guy is sensitive, self-conscious, and shy.

I agree Mama-Mia... trying to date and sustain a romantic relationship seems impossible. I am divorced 3 years now, and haven't really been in a longterm relationship since, not because I haven't wanted one but I've run into at least 3 commitmentphobe types, the first 2 of which I was able to cut off and get over but this guy has had me on a rollercoaster for the last 2 years. Now, I don't even want to date or expose myself further.

posted July 27, 2006 03:37 PM         

I have watched this thread grow and change from the beginning.

I feel all of your pain.

The pain is why I have chosen to remain single, not even be open to a relationship at this point in my life.

....And I have never been happier.

With only myself and my children to consider, it has been quite liberating not having to worry about a relationship and when not in a relationship, worry when/if I will be in one!

I maintain a few friends, both male and female, but really love being alone.

Sending you all:

posted July 27, 2006 03:50 PM         

quote:

---

It's crazy! He tells ME to call HIM, and I do against my better judgment, and now here I sit waiting and wondering what his deal is.

---

Are you sure this is not the same guy we're dealing with? I've been wondering the same thing. How are you going to tell me you still love me via text message and then, I'm the one writing you emails and getting into knots and crying every day because... now you're ignoring me?

We saw each other after the text, but I was too afriad to bring it up... for fear he would shut me out and stop talking to me!

Mama Mia, you know... you are right. But, I couldn't be so open with him now if I tried. I couldn't take a third blow. the thing that sucks about this is that prior to this... he sent every signal to me that he wanted something serious, or that he was at least angling for it. I was freaking out about that myself, because I wasn't ready! But I wanted him so much and didn't want to ruin my chance to be with him, so I wanted to take things slow, at least. I lived about 2 hours away from him until last month... and my divorce just became final... and prior to all this... he tried to get me to move into his house when I moved out here on the pretext of being his roommate (LMAO!!! yeah right... sure we'd be roommates)... we saw each other once before I moved and he made a big deal about taking the whole day off "just to spend with you"... my friend said he stared at me all night... he was very romantic and intense that night... it was scaring me a bit because I wanted it so much, but I was overwhelmed and afriad of getting hurt again. Another time, we discussed some issues in my divorce and he kept giving me his input by saying "if you were MY wife, I woul have done this... if you were MY wife... I would have been like this and this"...

That's just what happened prior to his ignoring me suddenly! I mean, this dude has written a SONG about me for crying out loud. I just feel so rebuffed and confused. It's hard for me to fathom that someone could be so clueless about other people's feelings that they could think it's perfectly okay to leave them hanging after you built them up to all this in the past month and then topped it off with an "I love you" cherry... ugh.

If it was entirely up to me, I would have moved out here and we would have hung out and maybe fooled around without anything heavy getting in the way and then LATER discussing feelings and where it's headed. He made it all come to a head immediately and then... cuts me off for a month.

quote:

---

at first I thought he's playing me, just being cruel or fishing to see if I'm still hanging on

---

Capgirl... thats exactly how I felt at first. I felt so played and manipulated. It felt like he was so callous and cruel. I still think that, but now that I see his behaviour is not all that uncommon, I think it may come from a place of cluelessness...

He's 31, 32 in February. He told me he got really badly hurt and callously dumped by his first girlfriend when he was 18. He said he cried so much and he promised no one would ever make him feel that way again. He's never been in love before, he dated one woman for 4 years and never told her he loved her... He doesn't know that I know this (I'm a myspace/google stalker... lol!!! I find out everything!)... but i know he was seeing someone in February/March and she made a post about him in this relationship forum. apparently she told him she loved him and he said he didn't want to feel pressured into saying it and that he's never been in love... he thought he was once, but he's not sure if it really was or not... I was floored by that, because I know he's talking about me. He was very adamant that he had NEVER even remotely been in love before. Two years ago when we were seeing each other and he had to go out with his workmates (and he has a very macho job) and it was the first night we spent apart... lol... he called me up totally trashed and you could hear all the guys in the background and he started telling me that he loves me "I effing love you!!!" and then he started telling all his friends that I was the greatest girl ever and he's going to marry me...

A month later he cut me off and stopped speaking to me out of the blue

posted July 27, 2006 03:56 PM         

I have no pain..

posted July 27, 2006 04:09 PM         

Capgirl

posted July 27, 2006 04:15 PM         

I will check out that book, definitely. Whatever happens, I think I need to understand the situation. Maybe, if I never hear from him again, the book will be my closure

Thanks for listening

posted July 27, 2006 04:17 PM         

Inward peace with outward control wins everytime..And patience...

posted July 27, 2006 04:34 PM         

Mama Mia... you have learned what I am just now starting to get. Not only the patience, but individual growth and working on developing myself and overcoming my own issues. I've read alot about this on the twinsouls articles. It's just good advice in general whether twinsouls or not is really at play here. He definitely has put me through transformation and enlightenment and I've discovered alot about myself and the universe because of this relationship!

Venus, you think they're gone and it's over but it always seems to be wrong. I thought with those 15 weeks I went that he was taking the opportunity I gave him to get out and away from the demands and expectations of a relationship. I was thinking that if I could get to Labor Day without contact that I'd be pretty much over it and free... It is like they sense you letting go and that's when they come back. Yes, get that book, it's the best one on this phenomenon-- better than any "dating advice" book out there bc. this is not your normal situation or guy!!

posted July 27, 2006 04:47 PM         

The more I work on myself and raise the bar the better my relaionships are and the more I can give to my children at helping them grow and my family and friends.. I am a nuturer by nature and I can't give it if I don't have it and I want it..

posted July 27, 2006 05:33 PM         

It's so nice not to worry about the "man trap", the life he's going to give me, his goldmine, and his future that he may share with me.

knowflakes-even if you date 5 guys and break it off and move on, you are still in the game and dating. Success in the relationships is measured by quality of time, not length of time being with someone.

posted July 27, 2006 05:48 PM         

I am not going on a time thing here for me it is about growth when my soul has gotten to a certain point and understanding along with the person that I am involved with..

And for the record being alone is a AWESOME thing been there and will go back if need be. I am comfortable being by myslef if I have to. But I won't give up on love just bc I have had a few heartbreaks.

posted July 27, 2006 06:02 PM         

I am not giving up on love, just giving up on looking for love in all the wrong places! Gotta love myself first, and enough, before I can attract an individual who loves himself first and enough to be an "adjunct" to another's life, not the center of. (I see way too many co-dependent relationships these days)

Natasha

Thank you for you support. I love the comment you made about quality vs quantity regarding time spent in relationships. And I cry for some women I know who HAVE MEN!

And commenting on the topic of this thread, I always speak from my heart, am totally myself, and do not attach too much to the outcome. If the guy is really into you, then finding out you are into astrology or are, perhaps a bit of a pagan, for example, will not keep him away. I will agree with, however, not mentioning the soul mate thing, do not really buy too much into that anyway, but that should be saved for much, much later!

posted July 27, 2006 08:22 PM         

That being said, I entirely emphasize with what you are feeling and experiencing Venus and Capgirl. Been there...oh yeah. Actually being there...but this time was different. I didn't let it move me to misery of self-recrimination or faultering self-confidence. I finally decided that others have their perceptions and projections, and I have my own Truth. And if there are no caring attempts to understand more where I'm coming from and who I am, then there is no reason for my being with them. Flying free once again on to the next hope~ the next adventure. I vowed I'm not going to be shackled by projections of their own fears, or shackled by definitions/conclusions/labels of me that aren't truly of me.

As for telling a guy about astrology,spirituality, etc. I feel no hesitancy bringing these things up at first. If they have a problem with it, then screw em. I'm not going to be worried they'll think I'm weird, or that I'd scare them away. If they are that judgemental, than I hope I do scare them away. Good rittens!
Now, saying they're my soul-mate is different.
I've been with others for years and never outright said that. Not for fear of scaring them away, but just because I feel strange about coming across so presumptious. I feel like it's something I leave up for them to recognize or not.