posted August 13, 2006 03:14 PM         

Research by psychologists now shows that the one thing that will effect children and have long term repercussions is CONFLICT...

So if the parents are together and hateful of each other, the children suffer. Tis very unhealthy for children to live in an environment where Mum and Dad are fighting or giving of negative signals.

However, if the parents spend lesser time together and can come to some compromise, children fare better....

Makes perfect sense to me......

And unless one has had children, then really they are not in a position to judge...

Are they?

Haha...when I was in my 20s i too was quite judgemental and used to say often "I would never get divorced".

Two divorces later, I have decided now to change my outlook on life...

posted August 14, 2006 05:17 AM         

This is may be harsh but the thing that I will NEVER understand is how people decide to have a child BEFORE they even sure they'll stay together i.e. getting married. I emphasise greatly with all these dramas and with everyone right to express themselves and be true to themselves. The only one who has no say in this story so far is the little girl. The mother is leaving and taking her alone - so be it, the father will visit on certain days at certain time - so be it. Of course, the parents have her very best interest in mind! Lots of good that will do with them not even knowing what best for themselves. The common approach these days - as long as everyone gets alone, respect each other and fulfil their obligations - she will be fine.

posted August 14, 2006 06:36 AM         

I don't even have a response to that.

Sue g - You identify with Donald, because you flit husband to husband, because none of them were "good enough?"

Again, I have no response.

I just can't believe how brazen you people are.

posted August 14, 2006 06:42 AM         

Call it the "divorce assumption."

Most people assume that a person stuck in a bad marriage has two choices: stay married and miserable or get a divorce and become happier.

University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, the study found no evidence that unhappily married adults who divorced were typically any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married.

Even more dramatically, the researchers also found that TWO-THIRDS of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.

Out of 5,232 married adults interviewed in the late Eighties, 645 reported being unhappily married. Five years later, these same adults were interviewed again. Some had divorced or separated and some had stayed married.

The study found that on average unhappily married adults who divorced were no happier than unhappily married adults who stayed married when rated on any of 12 separate measures of psychological well-being. Divorce did not typically reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem, or increase a sense of mastery. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.

Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier on average than those who stayed married.

posted August 14, 2006 06:48 AM         

Getting a new partner isn't the solution.

The soultion is in learning to work it out with the one you're with.

* Donald will soon be as sick of this new woman as he was with his fiancee.

* Sue G will soon be as sick of her third husband as she was of her other two.

posted August 14, 2006 09:30 AM         

I beleive you mentioned that you are divorced, yes? Do you feel that was a mistake on your or your ex's part?

I loved my ex for the first five years of my marriage, I spent the next five years trying to make it work. May be I didn't do all the right things but I worked very hard on it. And I can not even begin to tell you how happy and thankful I am today that I failed.

Quote:
"The study found that on average unhappily married adults who divorced were no happier than unhappily married adults who stayed married when rated on any of 12 separate measures of psychological well-being. Divorce did not typically reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem, or increase a sense of mastery. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income. "

It is not marriage or divorce that makes you happy or not. Happiness is right beyond the point when you realise it can only come from within yourself not the other person. Before that... you can never marry or get divorced 5 times, it really doesn't matter

posted August 14, 2006 10:33 AM         

Thanks for the prediction.....will bear this in mind.....saves me going to a clairvoyant I suppose.....

So maybe you can tell me where I shall meet husband no.4....

Some signs to look out for maybe....

Do tell me he will look like Johnny Depp.....pleeeeeze!!!

p.s. "Mark my words" was one of my mother's fave expressions, I always found it a tad egotistical (like I AM RIGHT)!!!!!!!!!!....

posted August 14, 2006 10:38 AM         

Guys do you think there will be any chance of me catching up with Liz Taylor....didnt she marry 8 times....

LOL !!!

posted August 14, 2006 10:52 AM         

It would be funny if it wasn't sad. We are here to help each other and try to understand not to pass judgements. Thankfully, you are wise and strong enough to take it with the sense of humor I am just concerned a little because the same approach can really hurt some people to the extent of them stop sharing their feelings

posted August 14, 2006 11:02 AM         

Bless you....

Yes of course those comments will hurt many people, luckily I am okay with it....BS, is probably to some extent right about my situation (maybe I have expected too much in the past from men). But what I would be concerned about is she will hurt some other more vulnerable souls...

Of course, if one can get an understanding as to why people do hurt.....becos they are hurt, then its easier not to take it to heart....

People who are in pain and unhappy in themselves often judge and sting....

But not everyone is able for this.....

I however, know how to laugh at myself.

So all I have to do now is keep a look ou for hubbie no 4....and actually if I am totally honest, hubbie no 3 will probably be hugely relieved...

Oh Damn! Ive just remembered several clairvoyants telling me that I shall be with him for the rest of my days....they must be fakes of course........

LOL....

posted August 14, 2006 01:51 PM         

Mark my words<<<<

You know, before this thread was dissapointing me.....now you're making me laugh. I mean she's happily married so its only natural that she would leave him.

posted August 14, 2006 02:18 PM         

Ooohhh maybe now I am thinking he aint the one for me...I mean we have had a few differences in the 18 years we have been togehter....and with my track record and all.....

Isnt it time I started looking for a new one Dulce..

Actually there is this nice one in the village and I am sure he would oblige.....

Brazen or what????????

posted August 14, 2006 04:13 PM         

Ooooh now Dulce that DOES sound tempting, Do they have all their own teeth and hair, cos I am a little bit fussy, although at this stage, as long as they have a pulse I wouldnt be too bothered...

Love yer humour girl.....what would be do without it...

posted August 14, 2006 04:38 PM         

And I my dear am the Scarlet Woman.

Divorce for me, has saved my life.....and sanity......of course if I had taken my mother's advice of "suffering in silence", I would probably be in an asylum by now (along with you Dulce}....

posted August 15, 2006 12:50 PM         

DL

"Thanks, I've just found it funny that this thread has become like The Scarlet Letter. I don't mean to mock anyone, but come on, is divorce really "evil"? "

I have to agree, i guess next i'm going to hell from having a Woman friend from work?

BS a couple of things you might want to think about.

1.)Donald - You will not allow "morals" to "hold you back in life?" (If you bothered to read the whole post I'm fairly sure that I stated I wouldn't let other people morals hold me back.)

2.) That article... Subjective (shiver)

"Among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later." (How many couples were rated as "very Unhappy"?)

Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier on average than those who stayed married. (There is an average happiness rate? How is that rated, because i'd love to know where i fit in. And It also mentions that those unhappy had divorced, and "REMARRIED" Not those who stayed Single. This suggests to me that those unhappy are possibly unhappy BECAUSE they are married!)

A research study on happiness is subjective anyway. How do you rate happiness? If it's generalization, then you'd say what, your either unhappy, or not? Pardon my Ignorance but i'm not too familar with the "
12 separate measures of psychological well-being." I'm sure somewhere in there is Acceptance, feeling loved. Basically my point is, how many people do you know coming out of a divorce male, female, his fault her fault, do you think would qualify for those two Measures? I'm not married nor getting married, and i'm sure that even when I was with ____ that i would have failed that "Rating" as i would also probably now. But that does that mean I'm not happy? Heh, hell no. Actually I might be a little happier, freedom to just do nothing if i choose to, I can work as often as much as I want, I can sleep all day if i freaking fell like it, I can go out with my friends without getting b'd at all night. The only one who needs to know where I am Is me. I love not knowing what comes next in my life. I have more confidence in myself, and my abilities. If non of that equals happiness, than I trully am miserable.