posted January 05, 2007 11:45 PM         

oh well.. its too late she already made a move.

-Kevin

SUN- Cancer
MOON- Libra
ASC- Virgo
MC- Gemini
MERCURY- Cancer
VENUS- Gemini
MARS- Aries
JUPITER- Taurus
SATURN- Sagittarius
URANUS- Sagittarius
NEPTUNE- Capricorn
PLUTO- Scorpio

posted January 30, 2007 12:26 PM         

He's got issues and he is about sex, sex, sex. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. And yes, he does have the Sagitarian foot-in-mouth issue, which is why getting him to speak freely is like pulling teeth on occasions. I have no hatred or ill feeling towards him. We talked about meet ups ever since but I've always changed my mind.

The reason being is that I may very well be bipolar. I've been depressed for well over a decade now, but for the past few years, I've been functional. Or at least I thought functional. I've also noticed a trend of feeling a lot of anxiety. My good days are a big relief to me. Any thoughts I have, good or bad, I ruminate about them for hours, days, weeks, sometimes months. Half of the day I'm tired, mostly because of how taxing this is all on my mind. I've been suffering for a long time now. I go to school fulltime and work fulltime and his has added onto my frustration. All I thought by late November is how much calmer I am when I'm around a nice man.

Well, I'm not stable enough or strong enough to deal with this guy's issues or excuses. After our date and dropping off my phone, we didn't speak again for a week and it drove me crazy. At my place of employment, everyone has been suffering from lack of commission, and this added onto my already bad mood. It affected my coworkers more and my boss noticed as well. He had a meeting without me about giving me a week to change. My coworkers(my friends) sat me down and talked with me. I had thought about therapy for a while but didn't think I could fit it into my schedule. They let me know I can, so I've begun therapy. They won't give me any meds yet until they have enough information, but my college's nurse would like to give me a low dose of Zoloft. I hve the flu today, as well as feeling depressed and full of anxiety right now. Anyway, I don't feel that I can deal with any relationship right now, because I think my feelings about myself would only infect the situation.

I didn't want to come back because I felt partly that I was being judged simply for an action that seemed weak and easy. A huge part of my nature does not want to do anything that does not have a higher purpose. That night was a compromise of that. I hope you can understand, as I have missed you.

posted January 30, 2007 04:07 PM         

Welcome back!

I know whats its like to go through those periods myself and things can just happen.

I hope this mood lifts (these things aren't part of us but something that sits on top of us, if you think of it that way it helps to relieve it).

I apologise if I myself added to your discomfort.

posted January 30, 2007 07:19 PM         

I think that when I like a guy from the beginning, I look for a purpose with him. I look for purpose in everything I do, which is part of my problem. Last week, I had a bag full of condoms ready, but then he had his schedule and then I got my flu that we never did it. And he was so unresponsive to the fact that I had the flu that it made me feel very alone. So, the thrill is gone for me, really.

I was really looking forward to the 9 inches.

*ahem*
I mean, I really found him attractive but I was really looking for proper motivation to jump his bones. Any other guy would've been at the supermarket to at least buy a can of soup. Any other guy would've thought of something.

Meanwhile, few weeks ago, I went to one of my favorite band's concerts. I've only been a fan for less than a year now, and they have thousands of crazy fans, but they all remembered me and my name. And they were all so nice to me. One told me how excited they were to see me, and that I'm funny and they're glad I think they're worth the ticket price. LOL. That had me on a high for at least a week. I will see them again the end of Feb.