posted March 31, 2007 07:13 PM         

Love. We all want it. Some of us have it, and those that do spend their time constantly re-evaluating it and trying to hold on to it. Those of us that don't have it spend our time daydreaming about it, and wishing for it. The most powerful of all emotions. It can make you or break you.

Just what is it? Perfect chemistry between two souls? A match of yin and yang? The ultimate of all friendships? People have different ideas about what it is and how to get it. For some, it is simply a perfect meeting of the minds. For others, it must be a complete merger of mind, body, and soul. I tend to fall into the latter category, and thus begins my dilemma...

I often wonder if my grocery list is a bit too long. Am I asking too much of a person? I want a best friend. Someone I can talk to at the end of the day, share my hopes and fears with, and count on in times of need. I want passion. Extreme desire. Sparks. Laughter. Common interests. Spontaneity. Someone who can tell me when I'm acting stubborn, foolish, or just down right full of sh*t. Of course, this should go both ways. You don't want someone who will kiss your a*s all the time. But is this even possible?

Two different men wanted to marry me. Both would do anything for me. They both "kissed my a*s" all the time. I didn't love them...at least, not in the way I think I should have. On the other hand, there were other men that I was crazy about, but I never felt like their hearts were in it as much as mine was. I saw this as a challenge...and of course, this made me want them more, but brought me nothing but pain in return.

You begin to question yourself, and your own tastes. "What's wrong with me?" This is a question I have to fight off all the time. At this point, I fear that I am losing my faith in love. I'm starting to believe that it's all just an illusion. I'm afraid of it, and I'm afraid of men. I don't trust my taste. If I really like someone, it frightens me. The thought of sewing the pieces of my heart back together one more time is just devastating. If someone likes me too much...I'm not excited enough. Maybe I'm just not cut out for it? Maybe I expect too much? Maybe I want perfection...a fairytale which doesn't exist.

Is equal affection between two people truly possible? Or does one side always feel more than the other?

Is there a someone out there that can make me feel secure, loved, AND excited? Or is it just an illusion? Sometimes I think I ought to just settle for someone that kisses my rear all the time, even though I wouldn't have respect for them...just never thought I'd be alone this long.

Where is my John Cusack???

posted April 01, 2007 03:07 AM         

you seem like youre looking for a special person; nothing wrong with that.

posted April 01, 2007 05:46 AM         

When you look at yourself - is this what you offer? Do you give this to your partners? If the answer is yes than you can find what you are looking for angel, honestly you can!

But remember that that combination is built up over time and you will have that when the relationship has gone through what it needs to in order to get there. Have patience. Maybe spend time with people and have your check list at hand and see how it goes.

Even if people don't show some of the attrtibutes right away - or may even show the opposite, it doesn't mean they don't have it in them - it means for some reason they are holding back and , like you, are scared to show their true side.

Everyone has baggage and insecurities, but it deal with it that matters. THe older we get the more we have been through and the more we have been affected by life - so it doesn't get easier, it gets harder. But we also become a lot more understanding.

Patience is the key - maybe focus on yourself for now and work on your attributes etc.... and the rest will fall into place.

My spiritual guide friend always tells me that when you are in alignment and are worthy of your soul mate, and they too of you - they will come.

Maybe let people in who you wouldn't normally give the time of day to - they might surprise you

posted April 01, 2007 05:47 PM         

I can truly understand your feelings.
Keep beleive in love, but - even if its really,really hard - try not to think about it always, because usually the greatest things happen when we least wait them.
Thats really true

I'd recommend you to listen this song (i think its soo nice)
Israel Kamakawiwo'ole - Somewhere Over The Rainbow

posted April 02, 2007 04:01 PM         

I read a book about the whole "come here, come here, come here, get away, get away, get away" phenomenon, called The Passion Trap. Some of it doesn't apply as much, but it helped me tremendously to help me see why I react the way I do. Maybe you could get something from it too.

posted April 03, 2007 07:43 AM         

Quote:
Someone I can talk to at the end of the day, share my hopes and fears with, and count on in times of need. I want passion. Extreme desire. Sparks. Laughter. Common interests. Spontaneity. Someone who can tell me when I'm acting stubborn, foolish, or just down right full of sh*t. Of course, this should go both ways. You don't want someone who will kiss your a*s all the time.

posted April 03, 2007 09:11 AM         

in the end, i think i cannot prune down my list. because, i have been shown that people better than i could have ever imagined, exist. i thought i was looking for someone 'too perfect', and then along comes this person who is more 'perfect' than i had imagined anyone could be. it is a different thing that he was 'unavailable', due to various circumstances. but i am hoping that God would have made another copy of him, lol.

and then, apart from some basics, i think, most of our expectations are based on what we imagine would make someone compatible with us. but if we actually get ALL that we have on our list, that person might turn out to be very boring indeed. what is life without a little bit of spice? the two people should be able to teach each other a few things, don't you think?

so trust God. he has a blueprint for the person who would be best suited to you. he is going to be not just what you want, but also what you need. it is good to have a list handy, but we all know what happens to those lists when someone sweeps you off your feet

posted April 03, 2007 09:25 AM         

quote:

---

Two different men wanted to marry me. Both would do anything for me. They both "kissed my a*s" all the time. I didn't love them...at least, not in the way I think I should have. On the other hand, there were other men that I was crazy about, but I never felt like their hearts were in it as much as mine was. I saw this as a challenge...and of course, this made me want them more, but brought me nothing but pain in return.

---

that sounds so much like me !!

Cranky, don't worry, it is a passing phase. either way, those guys were not meant to be! what would you rather have, that you 'found' the 'love of your life', married him, and he turned out to be a jerk ?

the way i look at it, they were not for you, hence the feelings were not reciprocal. a kind of safeguard placed by big daddy Saturn. i think that's a kind of protection we saturn influenced people have. he stops us from going and getting damaged too severely. so it might look very heartbreaking/frustrating, but it saves us from having bigger disappointments. our 'standards' our set by Saturn. and he is unrelenting.

See, you yourself say that those guys kissed your a**. and that is why you didn't love them. that's a perfectly good reason !! but do think about why the guys YOU liked didn't like you back as much. i think that needs more 'work'. r u falling for a certain type? and may be this type is not *right* for you? were they commitment phobics?

Also, going after them full steam....hmmm. that's a very gray area you know. it is so difficult to know when to pursue, and when to let go. very tough. after a lot of 'trial and error', i have found it best not to pursue beyond a point. also, even when i am pursuing, to look for signs of reciprocation from the 'prey' . ie, whether they want to be pursued. my mars in aqua loves it when the other person doesn't lay all his cards, and keeps me guessing. but i don't like to do all the pursuing either. i like it to be both ways.

but on the whole, I have always found that there is a good reason for things not happening. it is always for my best. do you find that to be true in your case? if so, then you could be on a similar path as me.

ILWL

posted April 03, 2007 12:54 PM         

CK - I know all too well what you're saying. I think one of my greatest attributes is my ability to recognize my own faults and look at myself objectively. I have often analyzed this problem of mine, and have wondered many times whether or not it was me who feared commitment. I think that book you recommended could do me some good...I will be checking that out.

CapGirl - It IS hard to pull our Cap consciousness up from the dark holes we tend to dig for ourselves. I don't know about you, but when I get depressed, I tend to isolate myself on purpose...but then I feel lonely. I'm in the same boat you're in. I have absolutely zero desire to date, but at the same time I feel as if I could be alone forever. I'm not in the mood to meet people but on the other hand, that perfect person just isn't going to land on my doorstep either.

ILWL - You always make so much sense!! God love ya! I've thought of that myself. "Gee, if I'm getting annoyed at this guy relentlessly pursuing me...wouldn't a guy get annoyed by me doing the same thing??" Yes, definitely. I try not to. I know what I "should" be doing, thinking, feeling, and saying, but sometimes it's hard to keep that positive outlook. I have my days where I just KNOW that perfect guy is out there for me, and when the universe knows that I'm ready, he'll be there. What's bad is that I have other days where I wonder, "What if he's not?"

I know I can't/won't settle because it's just not in my nature. Can't really cut that list down either. It does get tempting though, when you feel like giving up. In the end it isn't worth it. I know a couple of girls who I would definitely say, "settled." One has 'learned to love' her husband, and they have good and bad days. The other is miserable most of the time. Her husband adores her, but she's generally mean and cranky towards him, and complains about him almost daily. She admits she never felt "crazy" about him...but was lonely. Both women have gone through periods where they contemplated having extra marital affairs. I don't want that. I really do think I'd rather be alone than feel like I'm stuck in a situation that is stifling my happiness. ((Sigh))

Hopefully it will happen someday...like you all said when I least expect it...just hope I don't become so cynical at that point that I'm completely blind to it.

posted April 03, 2007 02:48 PM         

Could you email me the article you sent to ScorpLuv? I know of a half-dozen dealing w/ difficult (Cap.) men who could use any and all help out there.

I'm at bebewrig@yahoo.com

posted April 03, 2007 02:48 PM         

u know u r thinking sooo like i used to even upto a year back, that its uncanny. i have those moments too. thankfully they r very few and far between these days, but then i don't have saturn squaring my venus like you.

i just told God in a huff, that i am not going to 'settle'. now he has made me this way, so he'd have to make suitable arrangements for me (ie, produce my mr right out of thin air if need be ).

ok u wanna know why i am so peaceful and content and trusting now? and why i don't think of settling any more? shud i tell u my secret? ;-)

its because i have already tried it, settling ie. i was this close to doing it! i told myself, 'ok, this guy loves me, so what if i am not crazy about him, love anyways lasts for a year or two, then its back to the daily grind'. i told myself this for 1.5 years. Thankfully, saturn hit my sun and ascendant and then NN in quick succession, and i was 'rescued'. tho mind u, i was f***ing mad at that time. i had deluded myself into thinking he was 'perfect' for me. (neptune in 5th ain't no joke)

now if i ever start to think of settling, i scare myself with this scenario: what if i settle for someone, and then my mr right walks into my life.

posted April 03, 2007 11:35 PM         

I'm in the same boat as you, though the divorce is much more recent in my case. It never got off the ground (marriage), so it feels like I've been alone a long, long time. I think I need time out to heal and feel better about myself and the situation, but I also feel like I need support very badly, and that I would like it NOW. I feel so alone in this situation; is that typical? It hurts to see others moving on with boyfriends, husbands and kids, while I feel so stuck. In low moments, I wonder if I'll ever have that...

CrankyCap,

One word of advice to you is to not sacrifice what is truly good to run after the elusive, just because it is elusive; sometimes we tend to value what we have to work harder for, rather than something that seems to come too easily (thus the appeal of the bad boy over the sweet one who'll do anything for you). Sometimes, what we really need is right under our nose, and we might ignore it because it seems too available and eager to please. I did that to someone for a long time when he was the right One for me, and married someone else who was less available but who fit my requirements & seemed perfect on paper - later found out how selfish he really was, what a cad, and that I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. Now I wish so badly I could take it all back, but I don't know if it's too late.. Sometimes, you have to lose something before you realize its value, and I just wanted to tell you to make sure you don't have to do that...

posted April 03, 2007 11:45 PM         

It is perhaps wise to not have too long a list of what you want and don't want in a partner. You should have some basics that you absolutely need, and then beyond that, try to be open to whatever comes your way. A long 'grocery list' can make you overlook someone who is perfectly wonderful, just because he might not fulfil all your requirements. If you set the bar too high, you might not ever find that person. It doesn't mean you should settle, either.

Just be open to encounters the Universe sends your way; It tends to work in mysterious ways, & make sure to pay heed to your feelings - they will tell you when someone is the one; trust me, you just know when it is right... It might be someone you view as a friend, someone who's always there for you but makes no demands, someone kind & gentle & loving, who might not fit every one of your requirements, but if you're open, he may sweep you off your feet when the realization finally sinks in that he's the One you've been looking for all your life!!

posted April 04, 2007 01:11 PM         

i so no wat this is like....was crazy about someone too...but lik u said i did not think his heart was in it as much as mine...

i think sometimes when you look too hard fr something or someone you dont get wat ur looking fr.....at least not at that point in time....i dont mean to sound negative, but i guess its coz right now im lookin fr some answers and i just dont seem to be getting anywher....its frustrating...

"You begin to question yourself, and your own tastes. "What's wrong with me?" This is a question I have to fight off all the time"

im sure theres nothing wrong with you.....its just that you've prolly waited long and cant seem to find ur mr. right....i think when you get fed up and stop looking thats when he'll pop up!!!!!....i reallly sincerely wish you do find him fr your sake....

posted April 04, 2007 02:19 PM         

sunshine i don't really have a list....there r some basics of course...the uncompromisables...and they have to do with character. besides that, i have learnt that i have only a vague idea of what i want....love is unpredictable.

but at the same time, it is good to have a list, with the understanding that many of the bullets on it are based on past experiences, and the what happens in the future can change all of that !

What one must not be ready to compromise on, is the feeling of love. that is the true test. if love is not there, than that qualifies as 'settling'.

posted April 04, 2007 04:02 PM         

Sunshine, I feel the same way as ILWL. I don't think I have such a long list either...at least not one that is so long that one might label me as picky. I also have certain non-negotiables, but they are few. I am open to falling for different types of men, but it is the feeling of love that I am picky about, and absolutely will not compromise on. I need to have that butterflies-in-the-stomach, roller coaster ride feeling. I have to get weak in the knees with anticipation when I know I'm about to see the object of my affection. Truth be told, the people I've fallen hardest for in my life have taken me by surprise...I didn't even feel attracted to them at first.

ILWL - Ya know, I'm really starting to get sick and tired of Saturn kicking me in the a*s!!! I really need to get used to it though, because he's going to be on my tail for the next 5 friggin years!!! LOL...honestly, I feel like the universe is literally FORCING me to be single right now, and you know, deep down I know it's the right thing...Damn Saturn! He is always right! I just feel so alone right now, and generally invisible. I have so much anxiety that I don't know what to do with...feel kind of like a pent-up, caged tiger. Back and forth I pace with no where to go!

posted April 04, 2007 05:43 PM         

Cranky,

I feel for ya. Gawd Saturn transits are tough!! I remember feeling so helpless, so vulnerable, so out of control of everything in my life....it was as if an unseen hand was pulling all the strings....and i had no idea what i was supposed to do. someone told me a very wise thing at that time 'when you are confused, do nothing'. and tht's what i'd tell u. just let go of all your control. stop fighting. let the storm pass, don't get in its way. that's the best advice i can give u. my personal experience is that saturn transits r less a time of actually 'doing' anything, and more a time of introspection and re-evaluation of our lives.

posted April 04, 2007 06:05 PM         

i wudn't worry about all those transits like saturn conj IC, or saturn sq sun all that much. that ways, as long there is saturn, there will be a saturn transit.

i think the most imp ones are the conjunctions. so your saturn venus conj hit you real hard. next, i think your saturn opposition moon might be imp, since you also have it natally. what this also means is tht it will happen just before your saturn return. but once saturn is clear of your NN in virgo, i think things will get much better.

besides, i have this feeling that saturn transits are worst at may be one or two times in our lives. saturn goes round the zodiac in 28-29 yrs....in that time it affects a personal planet like sun 4 times. so think about it, saturn will be transiting your sun the 4th time now! if u have already learnt the lessons associated with saturn-sun, i think it will pretty much leave u alone. may be even give some rewards for the lessons learnt the last time round

Now obviously, saturn-venus lessons could not have been learnt when you were 12, so they are happening now but you probably learnt the saturn-sun lessons when you were 23-24 !

posted April 04, 2007 10:12 PM         

Oh yeah...I just checked it. I entered into a bad relationship at the end of August '03...Saturn was in 10 deg. Cancer then. The relationship lasted a year and a half and I was stifled...sooooo depressed for a long time. Gained a lot of weight too. I got laid off from my job in early July of '05...Saturn was in 28 deg. Cancer then. Depression relapse. Took me until the end of October to find another job...when Saturn went into Leo. Makes sense actually. Saturn in Cancer deals with security and holding on to the past. The relationship I jumped into was all wrong because it was a rebound. I treated that guy terribly too because I still hadn't moved on from my other ex at that point. Job = money = security. I had to move out of my apartment then too. Yeah, Libra will surely be a tough one for me...guess I'd better work on "balance" ahead of time...

Wow, I really wish I didn't have so much variety in my chart. There really is some kind of freaky Saturn transit going on ALL THE TIME!

*edit to add*

Ok, this Saturn business is really catching my interest now. Looking back on my life, I'm seeing some definite patterns here. It's very interesting as a Cap, how Saturn hovers over you like a hawk. My sun is in 11 deg. Cap. Beginnings for me have started almost exactly around this degree. I started my current job when Saturn was in 10 deg. Leo. I started that rebound relationship when Saturn was in exactly 10 deg. Cancer. The last time I had romantic issues and isolation like I have now, was when Saturn was in Taurus...opposing my Venus. I remember isolating myself and going through 9 months of pure celibacy...this ended when I moved in with my Taurus ex boyfriend RIGHT EXACTLY when Saturn entered into Gemini (of course, this placement squared my moon and those were by far the 2 1/2 most emotionally gut wrenching years of my life...another story).

posted April 05, 2007 01:36 AM         

I'm doing alright, thanks for asking... trying to keep it together despite Uranus kicking my butt after Saturn doing it for 2 years straight; it's sitting on my Venus now and making things crazy for me; it's on the Pisces' Sun & opposing his Moon and North Node, so he's going thru a weird phase too. We've talked a few times, and I sense that he still cares for me, but seems afraid to show it sometimes. We're doing this little dance - when I take a little step, he moves back, and when i move back, he takes a step forward. And I have Uranus to thank for all this instability & unpredictability; I can't wait for it to get a move on so I can get my sanity together.

I also have transiting Chiron sitting on my progressed Moon, making me hurt, feel really unloved, unappreciated, the whole nine yards. I've just been hiding out, hoping it will all pass at some point, but other than that, i'm ok, lol!

You two must be approaching your 1st Saturn Return then... that can be a tough period, depends on other factors in your life. Hey, did you look up what houses Saturn's in natally? It will indicate where your lessons lie.

Mine was in 9th, and ILWL, that was when i went thru a tough period with my ex-advisor, who i finally parted ways with after suffering a great many years being his student-slave. I ended up taking a break from grad school for a little over a year while I figured things out, but now I'm back on it as life's brought me to a place where it is possible again. So, take heart, despite the sometimes harsh lessons it brings, Saturn won't hold you back for too long; you'll get through it & come out stronger!!

How's your graduate work coming along, ILWL? And, are things going a bit better with Mr. Frowns-a-lot?

posted April 05, 2007 01:43 AM         

It occurred to me it's not necessarily Saturn's shadow over you that's to blame for everything. I'm a Cappy too, but my current troubles have nothing to do with Saturn; I think those ones ended in January after my birthday. Where's Uranus aspecting your chart - does it make a sextile with your Sun maybe (Sun in Cap) or a harsh aspect with some other planet in your chart? And Chiron transits can hurt too. Neptunian transits can cause disillusionment, and Jupiter can lead to excesses that can have a negative effect.

posted April 05, 2007 09:06 AM         

But of course I love the stronger more confident and secure person I'm becoming. Saturn return has really been kicking my ass, you all have no idea how much I'm looking forward to it going direct then bu99ering off out of leo!

posted April 05, 2007 01:51 PM         

Jupiter went retrograde yesterday (but this isn't as bad as all that), and Pluto's already done that in the past week. Neptune will be following suit in May. I wonder what it's going to be like with all these heavy planets retrograding at the same time!