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Author Topic:   Trying to Deal With This Crazy Cancer!
It's Just Me
Knowflake

Posts: 31
From: San Francisco, CA, USA
Registered: Jan 2008

posted April 23, 2008 04:44 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for It's Just Me     Edit/Delete Message
I initially asked for advice from Silverbells. I would like to get advice from her or anyone else who feels that they have any helpful advice for my situation.

I apologize in advance for the long explanation. It appears as if you have a lot of knowledge when it comes to dealing with Cancer men and Lord knows I need help! I am in love with a Cancer man who is reluctant to commit!

I have been dealing with my Cancer for almost a little over a year. It started off really slow. I allowed him to call the shoots and did not push too hard. I had my own life and really was not that concerned with him. As a result, I got some pretty good feedback from him. He chased me. He wanted to spend time with me, etc. He went to my grandmother・s with me for Christmas and Easter. We spent News Years Eve together. We even went to NYC for my birthday. He buys little things here and there that he knows I need. He confides in me. He has told me that I am the glue that holds him together and that I am his angel.

Lately, he has been moody and irritable. I am somewhat used to this b/c we all know how Crabby Cancers can get. He is currently having some financial problems and is thinking about going back to school b/c he hates what he does for a living right now. He is 29 years and trying to transition. Because of his money problems, he is currently working a lot of over time and is often tired.

Here・s the clincher, we are not in an official relationship yet. We have decided to be monogamous but I am not technically his :girlfriend;. A few months ago this started to kind of bother me. So, I brought it up. He told me that he was trying to get on the right path and get his life together and get his finances together before he gets in a relationship. He of course, reassured me of how much he loves me, etc. This to me is an excuse. In my mind, one has nothing to do with the other. So what if his life is not exactly how he would like it to be, that has nothing to do with being with me. If he wanted to be with me, I feel that he would be. Last Saturday was his best friend・s wedding. The wedding was in Las Vegas, which is a five hour drive form where we live (Los Angeles) and a 30 minute flight away. He did not invite me. In order to not take it personally, I told my self that I did not want to go anyway b/c I did not have the money for Vegas and I had to go to my Aunt・s birthday party that same day. I also figured that him and his friends (the rest of the groom・s men) would be going to make it a :guy・s weekend;. Well, he called me when he got home on Monday and it turns out that two of his friends brought dates and one did not. So, this was not a guy・s weekend. He just did not want me to go! Even though he kept telling me how much he wished I was there and how he wished that he would have asked me to go, it really hurt my feelings. More so, it made me think. Where the heck is this going? Is he ever going to commit???

I know that he cares a lot about me. He tries his best to make me happy. But his reluctance to commit is really bothering me. But I am not ready to walk away yet. Stupid me! What should I do?

I sent him an email about some info that I found re: the school he wants to go to. I added this little part at the bottom of the email. Please tell me what you think? What should I do? I love him and do not want to walk away, but I am confused and do not know how to handle his reluctance when it comes to committing.

This is the email that I sentK.

:Also, I am not sure if I have been acting strange lately. But I just wanted to let you know that I have just been thinking a lot about my future and if things are going in the direction that I want them to go in. Of course, I have been thinking a lot about us and our future. I am trying to decide how I want to proceed; because at times I am confused as to if we have a future together. It seems as if the more time passes the more you push me away. For example, you not inviting me to the wedding when all of your friends (except for Rush) invited girls. That really made me think and wonder will the day ever come when we move forward or will it just be like this until I walk away. Of course, I do not want to walk away. I want things to work out more than anything, but if you do not want the same thing there is not much that I can do. I was going to talk to you about this but I figured you were too tired to discuss it. I understand that you have a lot on your plate and that you are really tired and stressed and you know that the last thing that I want to do is to add to that. If anything, I want to be the one to make it all better! So, I am just trying to figure things out. I want to be with you. But I do not want you to do anything that you do not want to do. We have been dealing with one another for a while now and I just feel like the time is coming forK..something. What that is I am not sure but it・s kind of like my grandmother used to say, :**** or get off the pot.; Lol. So like I said, I know where you stand or at least I think I know where you stand by your actions, so now I just have to figure out my next move.;


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MysticMelody
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posted April 24, 2008 01:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MysticMelody     Edit/Delete Message
I don't have an answer for you. Your letter was fine except the last few sentences. Those sounded a little crazy. Not that I blame you.
These lyrics came to my mind:

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't


I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVE5ldV0ABU

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It's Just Me
Knowflake

Posts: 31
From: San Francisco, CA, USA
Registered: Jan 2008

posted April 24, 2008 01:56 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for It's Just Me     Edit/Delete Message
MysticMelody,

Lol. Yes I suppose those sentences did seem a little dramatic. But I wanted to stress to him that I was just letting him know how I feel, but that I was not telling him to try to convince him to fully commit, if that is not what he wants to do. I do not want him to be with with me unless he whole heartedly wants to.

Like i said in another post, I am not ready to give up. I just wanted to see if anyone here has experienced similar situations and how they handled them. It's always good to get others perspectives, especially if they have gone through it before. And from what I have read about Cancer men, it takes a lot to handle them and for them to finally give in (so to speak).

Isn't that song by Bonnie Ritt? I tihnk I have heard it before.

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MysticMelody
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posted April 24, 2008 02:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MysticMelody     Edit/Delete Message
I read your post on the other thread too. I think people just start relationships the wrong way causing an imbalance in levels of intimacy and devotion and yet, I also don't know the correct formula for allowing things to grow naturally for every combination of energies between people. It just comes down to watching your own intentions, looking for where you need to grow, and trusting (and doing your best to surrender to and align with) the Universe.
You can also pray for him to find his peace and greatest joys. and hope he is praying for the same for you.

(the link is to a video of the song
it's good, yes it is Bonnie Raitt )

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It's Just Me
Knowflake

Posts: 31
From: San Francisco, CA, USA
Registered: Jan 2008

posted April 24, 2008 02:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for It's Just Me     Edit/Delete Message
Mystic,

You are very right. And I have been praying. Every moning I pray for his growth peace and happiness as well as my own. I also pray or our growth, peace and happiness. The hard part is letting go and allowing God to do all the work.

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silverbells
Knowflake

Posts: 1516
From: The second star to the right (which shines in the night for'eer)
Registered: Apr 2003

posted April 25, 2008 12:31 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for silverbells     Edit/Delete Message
What!? It's Just Me: I never saw where you asked me for advice it's a good thing that I looked here or you would have thought that I was snobbing you. I am tired though so I'll "see" you tomorrow.


------------------
...Loneliness makes you strong, only Love makes you free - Michael Franks

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It's Just Me
Knowflake

Posts: 31
From: San Francisco, CA, USA
Registered: Jan 2008

posted April 25, 2008 12:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for It's Just Me     Edit/Delete Message
Silverbells yes I did ask for your opinion and I am really going to need it more than ever now!

My Cancer friend called me last night. He told me that he read the email that I sent and he wanted to talk to me about it. He went on to tell me how unhappy he is with his life right now. As I mentioned before, he is has been having some serious problems with money - his current job situation and transition into school. He told me that he is very unhappy with his life and it is bothering him that he is turning 30 and not only has no financial security but owes people. He said that he cannot get passed it and it is really affecting his life, including me. He said that he knows that it is unfair to me for him to constantly be in a bad mood or neglect me b/c of the long hours that he now works. He will be working a split shift for the next month to make some extra money. So, then he says that he needs space. And I asked do you mean you to to break things off. And then he said no that he jus needs some time to get his thoughts together. He told me that he wants to be able to buy me things and take me out to dinner and he is not able to and it kills him as a man to not be able to do those things. He went on to say that he knows it is unfair to ask me to wait for him but he would like for me to wait for him. So, I decided to be honest. I told him that I love him and that I want him to be happy. I told him that I d id not want anyone but him (at least for now). So as a result, I told him that we have two choices. We can either break it off altogether - no hard feelings and if God or fate brings us back together then so be it. Or, we can take a few weeks away from each other so that he can collect his thoughts. And he said that he just needed a few weeks to be alone to get himself together. So, we both agreed to his few weeks of space but this is not a time to date other people or anything like that.

I really do not think that he would use this time to date other people - I think that he has enough on his plate trying to get caught up with his bills.

So my obvious question to anyone who would like to shed any insight to this craziness is what do you think about what he said? Do you think it is crap or are Cancers known to do this type of thing? I really feel that he is telling the truth. Hmmm.

Although I am not as sad as I thought I would be if something like this happened, I am petrified that I will not hear from him and the distance will be too much for the relationship to withstand.

Any advice and/or feedback is greatly appreciated.

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MysticMelody
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posted April 25, 2008 12:48 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MysticMelody     Edit/Delete Message
I think he is an absolutely fabulous, honest guy who cares about you very much. Believe in him. What he shared with you was a gift of love.

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cancerrg
Knowflake

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posted April 25, 2008 01:21 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for cancerrg     Edit/Delete Message
agree MM !


:::I really do not think that he would use this time to date other people - I think that he has enough on his plate trying to get caught up with his bills.

:::

i would have been married a few years back if i had a good job at that time .

you know the girl in question(she too is a cancerian ) asked me on her engagement day , did i adore and guess what i said ,
i ilked her as a person ! bull$hit!

the fact is , i am still in love with her ,i haven't been able forget her . if i have some thousand thoughts in a day , 999 are regarding her .

see ,why i did , what i did has a complex background in a cancers case .
its not about them only , its also about the person in their life .
its more about her/his comfort emotional and financial .
i know all this sounds crap but then i have always said cancers are crap ! period.

i hope that somewhat answer your question .

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cancerrg
Knowflake

Posts: 2715
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posted April 25, 2008 01:29 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for cancerrg     Edit/Delete Message
silverbells :you are a cancerian female ? even i need some help regarding cancers ! hope , you might help !

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It's Just Me
Knowflake

Posts: 31
From: San Francisco, CA, USA
Registered: Jan 2008

posted April 25, 2008 01:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for It's Just Me     Edit/Delete Message
Thank you guys so much! I tru appreciate your feedback.

He is everything that Iwant in aman and it hurts me so much to see him go through this and not be able to be there for him the way that I want to. But I know that he has to deal with this by himself.

I will just stay strong and stick by his side and hopefully I will hear from him in the near future and in the mean time God will work in his life and provide him with happines and he wont forget about lil ole me! Lol.

This is so hard and hurts so bad!

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deuxantares
Knowflake

Posts: 273
From: Female, Dubai
Registered: Nov 2006

posted April 25, 2008 02:52 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for deuxantares     Edit/Delete Message
I agree with MM.

Just hang in there and try to be as supportive as possible to him. He has made his point clear that he wants you to wait for him.

Goodluck and continue to pray. Focus always on the positive.

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It's Just Me
Knowflake

Posts: 31
From: San Francisco, CA, USA
Registered: Jan 2008

posted April 25, 2008 05:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for It's Just Me     Edit/Delete Message
Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement! I truly do appreciate it!

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Meduza
Knowflake

Posts: 96
From:
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posted April 28, 2008 05:00 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Meduza     Edit/Delete Message
Ok, here comes a whole lotta rambling:
Im no expert, but it seems like this guy has good, honorable intentions. Seems to me that he is mature, grounded and wants to do right by you. If you feel its worth it, stick it out. If thats what YOU want.

Focus on the present, on your needs, enjoy this time apart and take care of yourself in the meanwhile. Theres more to life than pining after some guy (I say this as someone who is head over heels and pining after a guy myself. We love each other, but there are some things we have to take care of first). This is not to say that you should be distant, insensitive and stand offish, but just make sure you dont lose track of the other areas of your life that need attention.

At any rate, work on yourself, your goals, and if its meant to be, it will. Try not to worry and overwhelm yourself. I know all these things are easier said than done, but this experience is yet another building block, another step toward becoming a stronger, better you. These types of experiences are a great way to learn more about yourself and what you want so that one day you will be even better suited to be actively involved in a healthy, stable relationship.

Also, you may feel that he is everything that you wanted in a man, but I think youd be surprised how many times we can find what we are looking for (which changes as we grow) if we are open minded and receptive enough. An old woman once told me that regardless of how much you think you love someone and can never love anyone more, there always is someone out there. I am only 26, but I think shes right. I am not saying this guy is not special. He very well may be. And I do believe in love eternal, I am not superficial in my relationships, nor do I take them lightly.

Anyway, I am no expert and its very easy to give advice, much harder to live it.
The best of luck to you : )

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It's Just Me
Knowflake

Posts: 31
From: San Francisco, CA, USA
Registered: Jan 2008

posted April 28, 2008 05:39 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for It's Just Me     Edit/Delete Message
Meduza,

Thanks so much for the advice. I too am 26, and I do realize that he if it turns out that we do not stay together that it will be my fate and there is bond to be someone else out here for us both.- erything happens for a reason. But dam, do I miss him! Lol.

I know that it will all work out and I am going to use this time to my advantage by taking some time to do some thinking about me and what is best for me.

I decided that I am going to let go. Like you said, if it is meant to be - it will be. I will still be htere if he needs but I am not going ot pressure anything.

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~jane_says~
Knowflake

Posts: 171
From: USA
Registered: Jul 2005

posted April 28, 2008 06:40 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ~jane_says~     Edit/Delete Message
Hey IJM-

I just found this post. As I was reading I found quite a bit of similarities between your Cancer and my ex Cancer, not to say that's how things will end for you. I just found it very interesting that like your Cancer, mine went through a similar situation as far as finances goes. He was severely in debt, had lost his driver's license, half-way through school, didn't own his own place, etc. He wasn't making it and though he was 24 at the time, he wanted some space. But ultimately, we stayed together. It wasn't until 4months later we officially split.

It was so very painful to me at the time, because I took it very personally that he needed that space away from me. I couldn't conceive of the fact that he couldn't share his life with me, whether it was good or bad. AND he wanted to get married. Wouldn't that go against the very principles of marriage? To me it did and pretty much then and there he lost me. How can you not share your life with those you love, wouldn't they be of comfort and solace to you? This was my reasoning, and in that moment I realized this was never about me, about us and it was about him. I somehow saw it as weak and selfish.

But in my heart I couldn't let go and move on. So I stayed and as time when on, his withdrawls were more than I could bare, so being the all or nothing type of person, I couldn't stand it and ended it on my part. Of course, I could have held on to dear life but like someone else said on the post, I had my life to take care of and that's what I did. And somehow I internalized that he just didn't love me enough.

But he's come back years later...always checking in on me and my life...So I know the loves still there. So it's a matter of perserverance. It just wasn't for me and ultimately I'm glad I made that decision because I now have a wonderful man that shares it all with me, ups and downs and that's the beauty of it... Maybe your crab will get through this and come back to you as he says. But remember to always take care of yourself first, otherwise what good are you to anyone else if you don't.

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silverbells
Knowflake

Posts: 1516
From: The second star to the right (which shines in the night for'eer)
Registered: Apr 2003

posted April 29, 2008 12:48 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for silverbells     Edit/Delete Message
Sorry that I did not come back when I said.

IJM This Cancer of yours does really seem to love you. He is very open about his feelings, which is nothing to be taken lightly with these men. I agree with the others that he is being honest and is not going to take this time to date other women. As I was reading your post I was like "Oh. My. God." That line about it killing him as a man to not be able to do those things-like buy you things and take you out to dinner is so...Cancer. I don't know what to tell you about that, that is a confusing thing, on the one hand, I understand that kind of thinking, on the other...I have to take the words right out of ~jane_says~ mouth - why not share everything? Maybe it has something to do with wanting to be able to present the best front so that he feels and looks good to you all the time. However, I have a problem with that because, when one loves another I think that they should trust enough to let the person see them at their most vulnerable, but that comes with time perhaps, if you are willing???
Everything that Meduza said I agree with - again!(LOL) So very hard though, when your desires and needs are making you look in both directions at the same time and then you don't even know if your needs and desires lie in the same direction.
I would want to know more about ~jane_says~'s feeling and thoughts about her experience.
Make sure that you remain grounded though and search yourself for what you really want AND can he be an active part of that? Make sure you are always nurturing yourself inside and out. It can be very easy to become depleted in this situation. I wish I had more to say about this.

cancerrg I am not a Cancer woman. Libra Sun, Scorpio Moon, Saggitarius Ascendant. The one planet that I have in Cancer is Mars and I don't even know what that means...something about rough sex I might have heard???i dont know. Could you clarify that post that you left though?
Why did you tell the woman that you liked her as a person??? Did you really love her or was it just intense infatuation because I would really think that if you love someone you would stop at nothing - and I mean NOTHING - to secure their presence in your life. Do you think that the decision to let someone go like that indicated a certain level of selfishness and self-involvement and really means that you do not in reality love the person? You must answer these questions, I have to know.
Oh, the confusion. What we really need here is a Cancer advice forum where heroic people swoop in and rescue with their life-saving input.
I'm Sorry, IJM I know that you started this thread about your situation but people are bringing up some things.

------------------
...Loneliness makes you strong, only Love makes you free - Michael Franks

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~jane_says~
Knowflake

Posts: 171
From: USA
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posted April 29, 2008 12:32 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ~jane_says~     Edit/Delete Message
Well I have Venus in Cancer, yet I'm a Gemini Sun...To me I take relationships rather seriously once I've committed and it has to be inclusive of everything otherwise where is the security of love? I'm the type of person that needs to know it all, be aware of it all, because I'm very sensitive in love so much so that I have to have reassurance and nuturing consistently. My ex Cancer was very good at being nuturing, honest and loving. I still miss that today, but he was very quick to use these nuturing skills on himself. So it left me feeling where do I fit in here? Am I not worthy of being trusted, being vulnerable, etc. And I'm very unfront about things so it just wasn't working, at least for me. I value honesty and trust over pride. In the end, that's what it seem to come down to.

In a way, I felt I was more accomplished and I even paid his phone bill once. I thinking that being said and done, was enough for him to withdraw all the more so. Plus, I decided to spend some time with family and this is where most of his behavior came into play. Years later, I think maybe if I stayed near him, it may have played out differently, but the difference was no matter the distance, I was very forthright about my feelings and responsibilites. I let him know that I had to do this thing with my family crisis but it in no way changed us. That was the difference. He allowed his financial woes to change us. I'm just not about putting anything above the relationship, either we're in it together or we're not. End of story...

Sometimes I think I was harsh and selfish, but it was simply too much of a rollercoaster even for me.

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It's Just Me
Knowflake

Posts: 31
From: San Francisco, CA, USA
Registered: Jan 2008

posted April 29, 2008 12:38 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for It's Just Me     Edit/Delete Message
Silver,

Thank you for your advice and I do not mind you asking cancer and others questions. In fact, I am interested in hearing everyones experience. Every little bit helps.

Today I feel so weird. I am kind of sad, but more so melancholy. I feel like I am here but not really here. I am at work just going through the motions but I do not feel like doing much of anything.

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Meduza
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posted April 29, 2008 03:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Meduza     Edit/Delete Message
Yeah, me too.

With cancers, is there usually a discrepancy between saying and going things? Like little things. Do they initiate things or an event and then not follow through (again, we are talking small things)?

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It's Just Me
Knowflake

Posts: 31
From: San Francisco, CA, USA
Registered: Jan 2008

posted April 29, 2008 03:26 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for It's Just Me     Edit/Delete Message
Meduza,

Yes, definitely. They will give a little and pull away. He did that when we first began dating. Luckily at the time, I was so wrapped into myself and really did not have that much invested that it was not that big of a deal to me and it really didnt bother me either way. He eventually stopped. I think they do this for two reasons. 1) It is in their nature 2) I think it is a subconcious test that they do. To see where your head is and see your role/place in their life. To see how much you care and if you will be there for them. Secretly, I think most Cancer men are looking for duplicate versions of their mother. Or, at least some that they are for certain will not hurt or betray them. Someone that they can fully trust. This is why they do the pull away. Thye are fearful to allow their feelings to become too intense, b.c when they get hurt they truly hurt.

And now he has done the ultimate pull away!

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It's Just Me
Knowflake

Posts: 31
From: San Francisco, CA, USA
Registered: Jan 2008

posted May 05, 2008 03:33 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for It's Just Me     Edit/Delete Message
A quick update - yesterday I heard from my Cancer. He said that he was on his way to work and could not really talk but he missed and wanted to hear my voice. It had been 10 days since he told me that he needed space and 10 days since we last spoke. I was really surprised that he contacted me. I honestly did not think that I would hear from him for at least a couple of weeks. He had a job interview this morning and texted me to tell me that it went well and he felt good about it. I told him how proud I was of him.

I can't lie, I do feel a bit relived that he contacted me. When stuff like this happens I think it is natural to wonder if the other person is going to forget about you. It was nice to know that I am still on his mind.

I honestly think that he and I have a real shoot at making it. We shall see...

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~jane_says~
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From: USA
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posted May 05, 2008 05:33 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ~jane_says~     Edit/Delete Message
I think that's great. Best wishes to you!

------------------
"If you believe, you can achieve." Tupac

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cancerrg
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posted May 07, 2008 01:21 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for cancerrg     Edit/Delete Message
:::Why did you tell the woman that you liked her as a person??? Did you really love her or was it just intense infatuation because I would really think that if you love someone you would stop at nothing - and I mean NOTHING - to secure their presence in your life. Do you think that the decision to let someone go like that indicated a certain level of selfishness and self-involvement and really means that you do not in reality love the person? You must answer these questions, I have to know.
:::

Silver: Its not as easy as you feel especially in a cancer's case .

well , can i have you email id ?

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Meduza
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posted May 08, 2008 02:21 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Meduza     Edit/Delete Message
I would like to know and understand that too...

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