posted March 05, 2009 08:04 AM         

quote:

---

Its natural to have doubts, even in the best relationships, right?
I mean, nobody feels romantically connected 100% of the time, right?

So they stay and ignore what their gut is telling them:
that this is not the right person for them.

---

I will quote my sister-in-law: 'It is OK that you dont feel 100% romantically connected, it is normal but there is always, always that feeling there that you two have to be together; you dont want a new mom or dad even when they bug you, you still know that they are your parents and always will be even if things between you and them are not going smothly, and they are not that young anymore and cannot give you as much as they did when you were a child, you still love them; the same with your spouse, it's like they became part of you, even though you dont always feel 'in love this part', it's still part of yourself ...it's not a habit, it's a deep connection''

posted March 05, 2009 12:28 PM           

Wheels -
I dont mind rogue tea-bags.
A home is to live in, yes?
Tell you what. . .
If we're both single in 10 years
(or should we make it 20?),
let's just get married to each other, k?
Oh, and we have to get a dog.

spuknini,
Yes, it is soul-stretching at times.
Thank you for understanding,
sympathizing, and giving hope.

posted March 05, 2009 08:20 PM         

Oh

the
dog

ew

Yeah, you SO don't get a dog if we get married.

posted March 06, 2009 12:52 PM           

Thats a clear breach of contract, Mel!

posted March 06, 2009 03:37 PM         

Since Wheels is already 26T's and my pretend polyamorous lover I don't see any reason why she can't move to our collective house by the sea. AG is going to live there too, Wheels. And the dogs have to stay outside unless SOMEBODY makes enough money to hire a fastidious maid. And THAT is the only deal I remember making about that subject.

Seriously though, this is a great thread. I think you have a different definition of honesty. I think you might mean emotional honesty. Because no one starts off any relationship to any person with "Hi, my name is ------ and I'm a ... " well, I guess they do in AA. But people do lead with their best and that is the way it should be. I have read that much of the way people present themselves is a bit of lie. People often try to present themselves in the most flattering light for the "first impression" and then reveal themselves as time goes on. That is the beauty of getting to know people over time.

But... I haven't fully thought about this... it is such a nice sunny day here in the midwest. ♥

posted March 07, 2009 06:18 AM           

~Rumi

------------------
"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was like, dancing with me. Like a kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I realized there's this entire life behind things, and....this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there's no reason to be afraid, ever".

posted March 11, 2009 08:05 AM           

------------------
"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was like, dancing with me. Like a kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I realized there's this entire life behind things, and....this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there's no reason to be afraid, ever".

posted March 12, 2009 02:41 PM         

I'm with you.. But my problem is not that I am dissapointed with them when they finally show their true colors, I'm bored. Or find out that it's just not what I thought it was going to be... My mom always said that after three months, you would know whether it was worth any more of your time, and after six, you will know if love is there, and after that, it's all up to honesty and compromise.

I don't know... I get so excited about things when they are new! I think "OMG!! I've never felt this way before! They really seem to get me on a level nobody else has!!" But giving the other person the credit for exposing new sides of myself to a relationship, I have recently learned, is setting myself up for failure... It's not because of them, it's because of me and how far I've come in my journey...

If only I could have forseen! I think this now, and always, when the shine has worn off...

posted March 17, 2009 11:53 PM           

i may as well post this here:

everything i can think to do or say is insufficient, but self-expression is such a part of my being, i find my way by instinct to a sympathetic messageboard. at least, as sympathetic as can be expected, which isnt much because, lets face it, nobody understands. And even if everybody feels it, nobody empathizes. Nobody really gets it. Nobody has absolute compassion. Everything is conditional. How hard up do you have to be, anyway? To warrant compassion. How insane must you be, before they see that it isnt your fault? Before they understand. We are all wandering mystics, lost in visions, led this way and that, stumbling, reflecting, astounded. How many tears must a man spill, or suck up, before you can call him a man? How brave is the voice that cries out, despite the stigma of weakness? How brave, the voice that is silent? My friends, I am alive by the grace of God, for there is no other way to explain the miracle of my endurance. Decades have seen me in a whirlwind of loneliness, but i press on. And if, spun in circles, and lost amid the dunes, I let out a frustrated cry -- what of it? I am a traveller from some obscure and distant world. This climate is no kin to me. My sheer presence here is a peculiarity, an anomoly, but, everywhere, pinched eyes judge and devalue me. Squashed lips whisper severity. And every day, these two longings, for the solace of a woman and the solace of the grave, tighten and twist and twine, and draw me forward like a rope. A woman would be a welcome grave, and end to this old, weary life of wandering. But how much easier it is, sometimes, to believe in the promises of death. And lately I have felt that tender faith stirring in me, wanting to believe in something hereafter that would receive me in all solicitude. The eternal reassurance. Everyone and everything here seems hostile and useless to me. Beds become graves, leading to the hell of day. Graves become beds, offering the cool sleep of death. And when it hurts too much to long for a woman, i long for sleep... and when it hurts to long for sleep, i long for a woman... but my life has been consumed in this longing.. i have become a hungry ghost... wandering... starving... unable to find that alone which could nourish and sustain me; a persephone; a better half. I am undead.

posted March 18, 2009 09:03 PM           

There's nothing wrong with wanting happiness or wanting to find true love, but if the desire for it gets so much it starts to force other areas of life to become compromised....then that is wrong. I felt inspired when I caught the end of this talk the other day. I think this is it:
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/dan_gilbert_researches_happiness.html

posted March 18, 2009 09:16 PM           

When I was a little girl, I used to get very strong fixations on things I wanted. Now, I had this fascination with nature and one day while I was at school, my best friend and I were trying to get these stripey coloured caterpillars which were crawling on someone's cabbage patch in a garden opposite the playground. I didn't manage to catch one, so I carried on thinking about getting one, and the more I thought about it the more obsessed I became with what I wanted.
I hadn't seen this particular kind of caterpillar anywhere else before....I knew my own garden well as well as the hedges, etc which were in our driveway...I knew the kinds of creatures which could be found in them.

When I got home, I began praying very intensely for this caterpillar. I wanted one so badly. I promised I would be a good person and all that time of thing. Maybe that was bribery and was wrong?

Anyway, as I was almost finishing praying, I looked up and saw the caterpillar I had been praying for next to the opening of the window. How could it have got up there....and where from? I could hardly believe it. I know in my heart is was more than just coincidence.

I managed to catch the caterpillar, but in a few days a peculiar thing happened. Unfortunately, this particular caterpillar had become a host for some kind of larvae...probably wasp. It was bizarre how so many of them seem to come out. I placed the creature outside...then discovered it a few days later, still alive...but the same thing happened again.

This is a very bizarre experience to have in my childhood and I could never work out the relevance of it.

But I think I know now.

Maybe that's what would happen to our soul, metaphorically....if we did always get what we want in the whims of a particular, finite moment...rather than what we need....in the bigger picture.