posted March 19, 2009 11:47 AM           

You might think it's easy for me....again your judgment. Obviously you didn't fully empathize with what I said about wanting to kill myself quite a few times in the past few months. Eventually it built up more and more....I could feel myself getting closer and closer to doing it a couple of weeks or more ago.

So I realized I had to make a choice...either live or die because there's no in between.

Being a mother is the only thing that has really kept me alive....as much as I hate being here, in this world....I could not bear the thought of causing the ones I love any pain.

And even if I didn't have my own children biologically....the world is in a mess and needs all the help we can give it.

I will leave your thread now because I'm not helping you.

posted March 19, 2009 04:28 PM           

quote:

---

Being a mother is the only thing that has really kept me alive....as much as I hate being here, in this world....I could not bear the thought of causing the ones I love any pain.

And even if I didn't have my own children biologically....the world is in a mess and needs all the help we can give it.

---

Right on.

These are things I can agree with.

And neither of us is being judged.

posted March 19, 2009 08:18 PM           

I have been feeling better....wait let me check the date- I decided to begin to keep a record of when I feel ok and when I don't- ok...just checked and I started feeling better on the 15nth March- I thought it was longer than that because so much stuff has been going on inside me!

Right, so if I do come down again without a good reason, then I'll know that I have bi-polar depression or something like that.

I think I'm getting to understand the triggers for my depression, that's all- I hope that I have found a turning point in my life...if not then I will have to look for some serious holistic treatment to help assist me in overcoming this....lol.

posted March 20, 2009 01:52 PM           

I wasn't pretending anything. All I was doing was sharing with you the advice I found for myself. I've been alone pretty much my whole life...whenever I've been down I've had to pull myself through it. Just because I have periods of optimism and periods of depression doesn't mean I'm acting. I'm not obliged to share the thoughts I've found which have helped me get through things with anybody. I do it because I care and I want to try to help.

I know it's easy to see bad in things when depression is consuming you. God knows I lash out sometimes. But you need to try a little harder to think before you act if you care about people's feelings. Maybe you don't mean to hurt people, maybe your mind is just distorting things right now to make it seem like people are against you. And not everybody is sensitive or understanding. But who cares in the end....because it only comes down to what kind of sunglasses we are viewing the world through.

That's what it all boils down to!

"As we think....so we are".

Happiness depends on the way we perceive things, what we focus on, what we think.

If we aren't (ultimately) in control of our own thoughts...then who is?

Surely I'm onto something?

posted March 20, 2009 09:53 PM           

but i dont think focus is up to me.

i see what's there.

i look closer.

i see more of what's there.

i feel things.

and nothing i say can explain them away.