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Author Topic:   I can't feel love anymore
Lyra
Knowflake

Posts: 235
From: London, UK
Registered: May 2009

posted September 16, 2010 12:41 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lyra     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Just broken up with a rather nasty and useless Scorpio. Admittedly I had been leading him on (on purpose) in retaliation for his having been such an a$$hole before. The thing is that it could never have amounted to anything and I would have just ended up as a milch cow because he was too useless to earn his own money.
I seem to keep attracting these types of guys - even several of the friends (male AND female) I have are not working/ being propped up by somebody else,and this is not because of job loss in the current recession, they have always been the same way.
I don't feel love anymore - after the last one (which was on and off for about 3 years, I never felt he was sincere). I am pleasant and "nice" to people, sympathetic and compassionate where it's due - but I can't feel seduced by false hope anymore. Everywhere I look, the people in their 30s and 40s seem to have so many problems and I just don't want to get involved with it all, it seems like a waste of time. Scorp bloke accused me of being like a computer last night because I wouldn't say anything - more to the point, I couldn't be bothered to join in his petty little arguments!!! Eventually I just told him to get out, because I felt zero for him.
I do "feel" when I do art and music and my hobbies have always been a sticking point with my boyfriends/ partners. They feel I love my hobbies more than THEM - and in a sense, I DO, sometimes.

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Tamarella
Knowflake

Posts: 27
From: Georgia
Registered: Jun 2010

posted September 16, 2010 12:56 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Tamarella     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
hello Lyra!! you wrote exactly my words! i broke up too a week two weeks ago!!

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Nephthys
Knowflake

Posts: 941
From: California
Registered: Apr 2009

posted September 16, 2010 01:29 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Nephthys     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Everywhere I look, the people in their 30s and 40s seem to have so many problems and I just don't want to get involved with it all, it seems like a waste of time
Exactly! I feel the same way!!!

Sooooo many people have issues!!! Especially MEN!!! My last bf had tons of emotional,mental, and physical issues. I'm not trying to sound unsympathetic mentioning the physical issues, but he caused them himself by taking meds with alcohol, or meds on an empty stomach, or not going to the Dr. when you are supposed to, etc. After I'd urge him too. Not my problem! The last couple of men I dated; divorced, or just emotionally challenged, or lie, or play games. I don't need any of that anymore

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hippichick
Knowflake

Posts: 576
From:
Registered: May 2009

posted September 17, 2010 07:04 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for hippichick     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
What excellent posts! My sentiments exact!

Nearly 6 mos after a break up am I, his doing, what was supposed to be (as per him) "the one" the love of his life, bla, bla, bla.

I regret the whole relationship and I have never regretted anything in my life. It feels as a dream to me, kindof, never existing in the first place....

Maybe one day I can look back with the loving eyes of God and feel again.

But for now, I do not see myself ever being in a relatioship with a man again, ever. I dont even want it. I am happy with my cats and my job and my home (besides I have too many problems now with my daughter to take on a man.)

And I, like you, Lyra, do feel love for all these things, just dont see myself loving a man.

Would take one hell of a man to turn my head as I also tend to attract the idiots of society.

And, I dont mean to man-bash but I have yet to see a good one out there. Even my brother, my grandpa and my father-in-law sometimes dont impress me much.

yes, ladies, I totally get ya!

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Lyra
Knowflake

Posts: 235
From: London, UK
Registered: May 2009

posted September 17, 2010 12:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lyra     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Relief that I'm not the only one - I don't know whether it was that in earlier days women just put up with stuff that was thrown their way, and nowadays we won't stand for it, so that's what makes it look like we "aren't trying". We ARE - but we won't put up with nonsense!!!

I do like to try and stay positive and hope that there might be a good mate out there for me - but I think we have so many choices nowadays and if there is a choice between being mentally or physically abused, when you could be having so much FUN in that time by being entirely selfish and doing exactly what YOU wanted, OR directing your energies towards a larger group for the benefit of ALL, not just one person - go figure!!

No, these guys have to learn that they are NOT the centre of the universe!

Cannot BELIEVE how CONTROLLING Mr. Scorp is - and what he doesn't seem to realize is that at the first whiff of over-control the first thing an Aries will do is be DELIBERATELY disobedient and belligerent back, we do it for the hell of it. I'm not the only one he p*sses off - as far as I can gather he seems to annoy everyone he comes into contact with. So it's not just me being funny.

I think we've got a helluva lot more freedom nowadays, but I think we've got to realize we can't have it all - and, more to the point, do we necessarily WANT it all? I don't know. I am contented with a relatively modest lifestyle and am happy if I just have a congenial space of my own, an income that is sufficient for my needs, and ample time to do my creative projects/ go out and enjoy myself etc.

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Dreamy_AriesGirl
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Posts: 52
From:
Registered: Apr 2009

posted September 17, 2010 04:20 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dreamy_AriesGirl     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I think men never needed women as much as they do these days... exactly because their life sucks, and they are not able to cope with the problems alone. Of course, they will never admit it, but they miss love big time (and i mean love in its general meaning), a love that only women could give them. We, women should not be afraid to give love, no matter how much mess a man can be. Cause love is the magic formula which can help/inspire others to change. Yea, it takes big, big courage and faith, and lots of love. But it worth.
At least thats my experience

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teasel
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Posts: 2769
From: Ohio
Registered: Apr 2009

posted September 17, 2010 05:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for teasel     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
and what he doesn't seem to realize is that at the first whiff of over-control the first thing an Aries will do is be DELIBERATELY disobedient and belligerent back

Yep.

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Nephthys
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Posts: 941
From: California
Registered: Apr 2009

posted September 17, 2010 07:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Nephthys     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
I don't know whether it was that in earlier days women just put up with stuff that was thrown their way, and nowadays we won't stand for it, so that's what makes it look like we "aren't trying". We ARE - but we won't put up with nonsense!!!

My feeling, observation, and experience is that men have lost the values of being gentlemanly, courteous, respectful towards women. They don't know the old-fashioned values of how to treat a woman. Why? Usually b/c they come from divorced parents, or if not divorced, their parents did not raise them with the proper morals, ethics and values; teach them the way that a woman should be treated.

I could give tons of examples of my experiences with men as far as relationships, dating, co-workers, drivers, people out and about.........and it is rare to "spot" a gentleman anymore (but sorry, I don't have time to give examples now)

This is an excellent topic

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hippichick
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Posts: 576
From:
Registered: May 2009

posted September 18, 2010 04:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for hippichick     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Neph

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hippichick
Knowflake

Posts: 576
From:
Registered: May 2009

posted September 24, 2010 07:02 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for hippichick     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I happened to notice in my comings and goings on my days off this week that men do stupid things. Now, women do dumb things as well, but men just seem to act from a primordial need to destroy!

For instance, my kid (not an angel herself) was driving home the other day, cut a corner in the neighborhood, and some dude followed her allover the place, finally she went to a public gas station and the guy got out and raged on her..all on camera, all witnessed! I found where the dude live, same place a hostage situation took place in our neighborhood several years ago.

Was enjoying a margarita at a patio cafe the other eve and some dude got all pissy cause another dude took the parking place he thought was his! It even esclated to throwing cups, with women and children in shot, as a matter of fact the wife of the defendant got spayed with whatever was in the rager's cup!

I go to redbox last night to return a movie, minding my own business, noted 2 chicks smoking cigs nearby the machine, then some guy comes out of the store and is almost bragging to them about he and (somebody else) have 28 warrents (for arrest) against them! Then the dude looks at me, offers me $5 for a ride, I say "no" and he rages on me!

WTF?

No wonder some of us ladies will not put up with the stupid decisions men make!

ggeeezzzz

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Lyra
Knowflake

Posts: 235
From: London, UK
Registered: May 2009

posted October 11, 2010 12:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lyra     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I hadn't addressed this topic for a while but UGH - I have been through some stuff. The abovementioned Scorpio went crazy for something minor - I mean REALLY minor - I stopped off after work to play a couple of songs at a pub in town that is 2 minutes from where I work and he freaked out because he wasn't invited and threatened to set his family on me...I mean WTF? Then I had another "friend" who went apesh*t because he was complaining about all the women at his dance class being taller than him, so I said: "Why don't you just hang around shorter women? You ought to become a goth and wear those built up heels, you know?" and you would imagine most people would understand that that was not meant to be offensive. Not him - he started ranting and raving that I was "prejudiced" and "making out that (he) was disabled" (get a grip man! - this is a 36-yr old guy we're talking about here - Aries, born the same year as me), so I thought, F**k it. I only managed to get rid of them both last weekend (they were harassing me) and I am still kinda smarting.
I don't know what it is, but I do seem to continually put myself out for people, and it just doesn't pay, either I get screamed at, or I just get ignored. It seems as though everyone is just out to cover their own backs, they're not really out to have a good time, just to get jealous, start fights or pick holes in whatever you do or say...I've had people say: "why do you give these people the time of day?" and the honest answer is, I don't know. I do seem to have a habit of attracting ONLY psychos and this worries me - perhaps there's something I'm not picking up on or perhaps I'm too patient or too tolerant or have too much empathy - I don't know. Often I find they're attracted to me because they see me doing loads of stuff and they want some of the glory to rub off onto them.
I am really disillusioned with people and I know I'm not the only one...I'm sure there is a bit of goodness there somewhere in people, but it sure is damned hard to find. In theory I would like to give love, however there doesn't seem to be anyone that's worth my time.
I do genuinely feel love for my father and I think I will be devastated when he goes. He has a partner though so I perhaps can't see him in the context that I would like to see him - relaxed, and at home. I find it very hard to feel love for my mother as she NEVER contacts me or comes to visit me...and I have accepted that's the way it's always gonna be...she doesn't really care. She believes in never apologizing, never giving an inch - she has said that, and I believe a large chunk of the human race are like that, the reason why I'm not is because I have no Fixed Signs in my chart, mainly Mutables, which, of course, always seek to please. I have real trouble with anyone with Fixed signs in their chart, it seems. I don't know whether my mother is kinda trying to prepare me for when both she and my father will be gone and I won't have any close relatives or what - but it certainly does seem as though she doesn't care.
In terms of business, too, I have to some degree accepted that there are certain people at the top who choose who they want to and those they can easily control - and that nobody in the arts makes a profit. Here too partners are difficult to come by; I have been through all the partnering with people in business and don't really want to do it again unless it is with someone reliable. I was impressed with someone's work recently and suggested that she and I work together - but she didn't seem too keen after my initial proposal so I don't know whether it's a woman-one-upmanshp thing or what (I always seem to have trouble with Taurus women as they're all about themselves). Ex-boyfriend Scorpio did suggest managing me, but I could see a mile off that he was only interested in whatever he could get out of it - why, only the week before he had expressly said that he was "always looking around for someone to sue". I don't know about all this Saturn in Libra thing. Whether it's a question of EMPHASIS on partners/relationships or TROUBLE in that area. It certainly isn't making things any easier.
I have been wondering if I am depressed, as my day job does my head in, all I can think about is maintaining a sense of self and not mixing too much with other people unless I have to - I don't really feel like doing so right now. I want to keep myself together, to remain focused and fixed firmly on my goals. I have accepted that I am introverted and will never enjoy parties and socializing that much, so I will just have to strive towards my goals on my own terms. I don't know. Mixing with others has never been easy for me and seems to lead to unnecessary trouble and strife. At the end of the day no-one seems to really want to know anyone that well...it's a case of "oh you were very interesting, now let's go on to the next one". Does anyone ever feel like that?

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Nephthys
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Posts: 941
From: California
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 11, 2010 09:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Nephthys     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
We, women should not be afraid to give love, no matter how much mess a man can be. Cause love is the magic formula which can help/inspire others to change.
If they respect you...... my responses here were examples of men who didn't respect me and didn't treat me fairly. There is no point in wasting your energy on someone who doesn't respect you. Also, you can't be with someone expecting them to change. You have to accept people for who/what they are. If someone doesn't resonate to having similar morals, ethics, lifestyle, and goals as you, there is no point in trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

quote:
I do seem to have a habit of attracting ONLY psychos
I would not necessarily try to "look" for a guy.......I would just live my life happy, be happy for everthing I have, be happy and enjoy my time with those good people in my life. Positive attracts positive so then someone positive will eventually enter your life.
quote:
In theory I would like to give love, however there doesn't seem to be anyone that's worth my time.
THERE IS ~ you just haven't *found each other* yet ~ be open and receptive to GOOD ENERGY ~
quote:
I have real trouble with anyone with Fixed signs in their chart, it seems. I always seem to have trouble with Taurus women as they're all about themselves.
Taurus woman here, with Venus in Taurus. You don't have trouble with me, do you? I don't think I am all about myself ~ I have a facebook page and I rarely ever post what I am doing, how I am feeling, etc, I post all about awareness of animals, earth conservation, and sometimes humanitarian issues. In fact, I don't even have a thread here at the Knowflake forum. Why would anyone be interested in me,me,me?

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Lyra
Knowflake

Posts: 235
From: London, UK
Registered: May 2009

posted October 20, 2010 03:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lyra     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Well yeah - nobody IS interested in the long term in anyone who is all about me, me, me, you're quite right! The point I'm making with this particular Taurus woman is that she actually SAID "everything's about ME" and she's not the first Taurus woman I've heard say that. But I digress! (anti-Taurus rant over!)

Back on topic: today I feel like I have lost all humanity. Every little shred. Over the past couple of weeks I have hardly contacted my parents at all and I'm wondering whether this is a natural progression, kinda growing away from them sorta thing. I am always the one who phones up my mum, for example, and one day I just decided not to do it. The reason being because I wanted to find myself and I was sick of phoning her up and having to listen to all this boring conversation, I don't know, I just felt "I don't need you". She used to tell me as a kid: "You need me. I don't need you" and now I think, "Well, I don't need you either!" Surprise surprise, I got texts/ phone calls from BOTH my parents last weekend saying "are you all right - we haven't heard from you in a while". Too right they haven't.

This indifference is beginning to extend to my friends and people at work. I am really bored with hearing about how many people they have screwed and how much they spent on this and how much they spent on that, and whatever BS they decide to keep spinning for their own satisfaction, and most of all their trying to analyze me when they don't even really *know* me. I don't know whether this is a symptom of needing to change my friends/ workplace - little by little I have been exploring other options socially and not really staying for too long in one spot and I wonder whether this is a natural progression and changearound regarding the people I associate with?

The nature of my day job is doing my head in as it is extremely repetitive and I feel like I am going mad. The thing is that I have never been able to earn a feasible income doing what I love and it feels like I will be doing this rubbish forever. Trouble is that in all the creative arts there is a definite agenda, the powers that be feed the people what they want to feed them and cream off all the profits so that again, the artist who produces the original work gets nothing. It's a no-win situation. So to some extent I have had to accept that I cannot spend my entire time doing what I love. But honestly, the way things are right now, I feel like a zombie. I try to do creative stuff at home but often I am almost too tired to stand up when I come home in the evenings. Still, I am glad I don't have a relationship or children, as this would be like a millstone round my neck and make me even MORE tired!!!

This probably makes me sound not very nice, but it's just the way I feel. I just don't care anymore. I can't feel emotions. I get excited about ideas, not people. I've always been like this and it seems to have become amplified with age. I don't want another relationship again. I feel I just can't be bothered with any sort of significant friendship/ relationship with people. I am pretty much content with what's between my two ears. Does that make sense?

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Feenix
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Posts: 16
From: Helsinki, Finland
Registered: Oct 2010

posted October 20, 2010 05:18 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Feenix     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi Lyra,
Firstly, I feel great compassion to your situation. It seems like you're in the verge of some major break through. I think that the times we now live in for some reason force people to come out of their comfort zone and really go for the things that aren't necessarily the easiest but do answer to their soul's true desires. Being in the art world myself I can relate to your frustration. However, maybe there are options in making money that you haven't thought before. Maybe you could do something that you sell directly, without any middlemen? I mean I get this really strong feeling that you've been surrounded by people who push you and try to make you defend yourself in a very twisted way. Maybe this process will change things in such a way that you will find even more suitable ways to express yourself and your art? Maybe it's time to give everything to yourself and not to the others which may have been happening in the past too much? Just some thoughts from moon Pisces

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Lyra
Knowflake

Posts: 235
From: London, UK
Registered: May 2009

posted October 26, 2010 12:27 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lyra     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Well Feenix I DO sell directly mostly, without any middlemen... that is my mantra and when anyone says "you ought to have an agent" I avoid it like the plague, because why would I want to give money away? (I am known for being tight fisted LOL). I did have dealings with a couple of agents in the past and get a small cheque from time to time, but as a general rule of thumb that's not what I do.
I'm a Pisces moon too (CJ Venus & Jupiter), and I hate hate hate this job I'm in - not the people as they give me quite a free rein (although this liberalism extends to the rest of their behaviour and the air is blue with swearing and filth most of the time). It's the nature of the job, but I can't find anything that pays more, haven't been given the right breaks in doing a creative job, after job interviews I've frequently been told that I interviewed well but was "second choice" because "someone else always had more experience" - or at the other extreme, that I was "overqualified". Up until last year I had a run of about 2 years of really bad luck regarding both work and home environment, and it's not just me saying that, it really WAS bad luck - Saturn in Virgo perhaps. Against all odds, perhaps, at the end of last year I got a job that I could just about pay the bills on, when a lot of other people were losing theirs - not actually having been able to GET a job BEFORE the recession! SO in some ways I realize I am luckier than most and probably should not complain. I am more phlegmatic than I have been in the past about similar situations but it does get to me at times.
For the time being the money worries have abated but it seems as though I will never get out of this rut & it doesn't help having one parent who hasn't worked for 45 years but still keeps pushing me to do mundane jobs EVEN THOUGH she didn't work herself (I have a HUGE chip on my shoulder about this one) and another parent who didn't get the breaks with jobs/ money himself and spent too much on the side, who have ALWAYS encouraged me to do deeply boring jobs, even though they NEVER did the same themselves (does the term "baby boomers" ring a bell?).
What irks me is that people who absolutely REFUSE to do anything GET ALL THEIR BILLS PAID - somehow - WITHOUT having to do anything for it. I don't understand how they manage to work it, apart from that they must be compeltely uncompromising. I would have a ton of bricks come down on me if I even slacked off for a second. I'm not allowed to do what they do, but they get away with lazy behaviour. Sickens me to the back teeth.
I'm trying to expand my social life and mix with people with whom I' wouldn't normally, explore my hobbies, and I had a really lovely weekend last weekend. However, somebody from this set of people has latched onto me and wants to start dating me and I'm like "well I don't mind a drink or a meal BUT" I'm thinking OMG I DON'T WANT ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP and especially not so soon, I hate it when people latch onto you when they want to get something out of you in that way, I am fairly friendly, but I'm thinking now, oh not AGAIN, because I LIKE being SINGLE and going out and enjoying myself and having FUN and I don't mean hanky panky fun, I mean, just a GOOD, PRODUCTIVE TIME. Is that so hard for some people to understand?
I don't feel comfortable with one-to-one relationships right now. I used to think that was all I would ever want, but actually I am more successful in a group, one-to-one relations are too intense, too charged, I am much more in my element when I am in a group of people and I can joke and make them laugh and have a discussion and generally ENTERTAIN them. This is what I love - to get up in front of people and entertain them - I love nothing more - I like making them feel lighthearted in this way - I'm terrified that when they talk to me as an individual they'll be disappointed and they'll see how miserable and negative I can really be - I like conning myself (wry smile) and other people in this way - I like creating ILLUSIONS (pleasant ones). I actually think they're necessary. Because we all need some POSITIVE escapism, right? It might seem shallow, but I like that sort of glib, carefree, witty way of relating. On the other hand, I don't think it's shallow, for I realize that I invest as much heart and probably more good feeling in it than anything else.
I can take or leave sex - and again, I never thought I'd say that either - but I have had all I want or need of romance and relationships during my lifetime, which is probably not very much compared to some, but for me it's more than enough, and I don't need any more. I can't understand people who seem to do it for a hobby: "Oi, come over here. You'll do!"
I think a transformation is beginning but it will be a long haul and take longer than I seem to have patience for. BTW I am bang in the middle of Pluto square Pluto if that makes any sense.

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T
Knowflake

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From:
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posted October 29, 2010 09:42 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for T     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I stopped bothering with this sign a long time ago. For meek people, they might work, but not for me. As friends we're cool, but not more than that.

Hope you find your 'fit' soon!

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teasel
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From: Ohio
Registered: Apr 2009

posted October 29, 2010 10:35 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for teasel     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm not interested in meek people ~ I wish a certain male Taurus hadn't done something, that made me never want to speak to him again. I don't know if that feeling's going to go away. I'm not interested in fighting a lot, and prefer to be peaceful.

I don't want to give up on love, but I'm not sure that it was ever in the cards for me - not in the way that I want it to be. Or, maybe I've just been too isolated, and too shy.

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teasel
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From: Ohio
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posted October 29, 2010 10:38 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for teasel     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
This probably makes me sound not very nice, but it's just the way I feel. I just don't care anymore. I can't feel emotions. I get excited about ideas, not people. I've always been like this and it seems to have become amplified with age. I don't want another relationship again. I feel I just can't be bothered with any sort of significant friendship/ relationship with people. I am pretty much content with what's between my two ears. Does that make sense?

I've been through phases like this, but I don't feel this way. I want the opposite. \

Are you Aries-chick/Xena?

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hippichick
Knowflake

Posts: 576
From:
Registered: May 2009

posted November 16, 2010 10:25 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for hippichick     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
bump


i am worried about myself.

since (what i thought was the love of my life, fellow fish) left me 8 mos ago, i am burned..to a crisp.

would take a friggin demi-god to turn my head now.

i have had offers, pleanty of, but when push comes to shove i am out. just dont want it.

yea, i cant feel love anymore..

cept for my kitties, who greet me everynight when i come home from work all 6 of them, indoors, waiting for me, and the one, a 8mo old fellow pisces who does not ever leave my side during the night..and my fish, who eagerly swim up to me and really love me.

does this count?

i cant feel love from men, but from my "animal" companions, i can.

t~~~

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Lyra
Knowflake

Posts: 235
From: London, UK
Registered: May 2009

posted November 17, 2010 04:15 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lyra     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Funny you should say this hippichick as I have exactly the same feelings - animals have this sort of innocence about them and whilst I can never have them as pets (too selfish to look after anything and I consider I've paid my dues "looking after" certain people) every time I see a photo of some wonderful newly discovered animal, or wonder of nature, my heart goes out to bless it. Like a new monster octopus, or a Japanese hirsute crab I have had half a dozen offers from men wanting to take me out this year - don't know that any of them were quality, mind you. The funniest one was one from this little old man who was totally addled, he obviously had the shakes from continuous alcohol abuse and croaked, "Do you want to go out?" and what could I say? - he was THE most unlikely candidate, I had to fob him off with so many white lies.
Having a week I'd rather forget right now (back in people-world again - ugh!). I complained about the swearing at work etc. and more than a few people don't like me because of this (although they are polite to my face they hate me now). That's ok, I can take that, the only reason I am there is for the money, I am not there to be friends with them. They have asked me to go out to stuff with them in the past but I don't wanna, they drink too much and talk about rubbish and I would much rather be on my own at home with a cup of hot chocolate.
I feel very disconnected from life in general as everyone puts far too much emphasis on relationships - everyone I know is either in relationships or trying to get into relationships, not enjoying the time on their own or being single - all just desperate to GIVE THE APPEARANCE of being "successful" through being in a couple, as if that made the slightest scrap of difference to their net worth. When any single man comes across me all he seems to want straight away is a relationship and starts texting me obsessively ... and I often blow off activities with guys like that at the last minute...partly because it has been done to me in the past when I was reliable, and I am now taking it out on others because I have been hurt and I want to punish the world...and because flakiness is seemingly the way the world works.
I also don't want to get too close to people, not because I am afraid of them knowing me, but because I don't want to become burdened with their problems - when I was involved with husband, boyfriends, parents, friends in the past, they all unburdened their problems onto me and in the end I ended up feeling like the bad one, and they ended up cursing ME (for propping them up/ putting up with them? Who knows?). I see people's frailties and to me they seem weak, for example they are too weak to be without a partner and they buy into all this materialistic stuff in society and what one is "expected" to do, and I can't acknowledge that weakness, I feel strong in myself, in fact I feel like I am positively busting out all over, so much better WITHOUT a partner, and I feel I am "better" than them. Bit of an admission to make, but I feel, why should I lie about it and hide my light under a bushel just because showing off is not "done" or because I have to "get along" or because of other people's jealousy? I feel that so much of this is something I have battled all my life with and the net result is that I just don't care too much anymore about other people.
I tried to get together with another social group recently but, again, everyone seems to be in relationships. I won't say I feel like a fish out of water - I am complete and possibly overconfident enough in myself to be able to take myself anywhere with ease. I did have a bit of a crush on a certain person in the group (NOT the same guy I mentioned a few posts ago) to whom I curiously enough felt an instant attraction, which I couldn't explain - (perhaps intellectual/ emotional? God knows!) and he was giving me some very long looks the 2nd time we met up - we were standing in a circle and suddenly he was staring straight at me - I smiled, and looked away, then back, and he was still staring at me - and then looked away for at least 30 seconds, and back, and he was STILL staring at me! Then, about the 3rd or 4th time we met up, all of a sudden this long-distance girlfriend, whom nobody had mentioned until then, turned up - and I thought, well, what was all THAT about - I can only guess it's because I'm hot, thin, blonde and stellar and he just liked to look!! Not good behaviour though. They're all at it, these guys, it seems to me - every single one of them - and he wasn't even good-looking. Must admit I privately still have something of a crush on him in spite of myself - I would actually like to get to know him better over time as I think I might find him an interesting person as far as friendship goes - but I ain't pushing anything, no way - especially since his girlfriend's jaw dropped when she saw me, as I am easily the hottest chick there - and I tell ya, I felt awful!
I think I must have yin and yang fairly evenly balanced, so much so that I don't need a relationship, I feel sort of mystical and cosmic, and aware of different realities, as if I'm kinda blessed by stardust. I don't make a conscious effort to meditate - meditation is something that goes on in my subconscious whether I am aware of it or not. But it's definetely going on all the time.
I long to tell everyone at my job to go (-) themselves - I want to burst out of my skin, I feel there is something inside me that I can't hold down any longer. I have had to expend a lot of effort in making my creativity known to the world, I feel it is something that transcends humankind and NEEDS TO BE KNOWN. I have been heavily criticized by men for placing more importance on my career than them. Some have even tried to openly put blocks in my way/ discourage me because they couldn't cope with it (they would rather I was submissive and carped about a broken nail extension).
Most people in relationships I've noticed just seem to do things like eat and sleep all weekend, or watch television. I can't understand that. My ex-husband used to want me to sit in a chair with him and listen to music and do absolutely nothing. That drives me crazy as I always need to be "doing" something. Relationships are claustrophobic to me, they bore me senseless (although I suppose there is an agenda for keeping the birth rate up, and this is why we get all this propaganda - for a little bit of sex, the whole relationship thing seems a bit too much of a trade-off - I'd rather do without it and all the associated problems!!). I feel that whenever I am in a relationship I am acting more than half the time, and so is the other person. I don't want to be part of an act.

Yes I am hypercritical and impossible - but I feel it is MY time to shine, NOW - because NO-ONE else is gonna do the shining for me! I feel the vibes from others big time that "single" women are somehow less worth than coupled-up women, and I reflect them straight back, as I don't buy any of it - it's quite simply NOT TRUE. It's all fabrications, all lies. As one of Queen Elizabeth I's advisers said to her: "If you marry, you will only be Queen - but if you remain unmarried, you will be both King and Queen". Why don't we have any good single female role models like Good Queen Bess nowadays? I dig her!

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Lyra
Knowflake

Posts: 235
From: London, UK
Registered: May 2009

posted November 18, 2010 05:29 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lyra     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Have you guys ever experienced the situation where you've had a guy who is ostensibly a friend (but would really prefer to ---- you if possible) and he sends out a blanket email to several friends, and they are ALL female? I had this twice recently from 2 different male "friends", in one instance there were a couple of email addresses in the list that sounded suspiciously provocative, like they were the kind of alias someone would use on a dating site. I found that tacky and I find the kind of guys who resort to such tactics usually likely to be usually plain WEIRD - overemotional, desperate, incapable of commitment to a decent relationship (NOT a case of pot calling kettle black, as I have had long relationships that were wrecked by the guy's abuse, where I was very committed). I think, just what are they trying to prove? Not that I would have them as a boyfriend, but this even puts me off being friends with them because it tells me a lot about their personality. I even had a Christmas text from a guy that he obviously intended to send to another bird because it had her name on it LOL - and then he sent exactly the same one to me 2 minutes later - don't make me laugh...

I am absolutely loathing my job, I do telesales and it is the same old horrible sh*t every day, same old standing almost all the way for an hour on the Tube and having to put up with the smell of people who don't wash, same old repeating myself into the telephone to rude a$$holes, the trouble is that I have NEVER had a creative break in the sense of being taken on (as in a salaried position) by a company to do creative work, all my creative work has been entirely freelance, I am sick of it, I have always had to do boring sh*t to pay the bills. I feel I have NO support from anyone, I am thoroughly p*ssed off and starting to feel depressed again (after about a month of being in a "manic" upbeat phase - I am beginning to wonder whether I have manic depression - not that I'd wanna get meds for it, thank you very much!). I really, really HATE people. I've had enough and I think if anyone rubs me up the wrong way today I am gonna lose it and smash the phone/ computer up or something.
I'm never happy!!! WHY am I never happy? Can someone just answer that for me please? Why can I never be happy, or at least not for very long?

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Azakeal
Newflake

Posts: 23
From: Belfast
Registered: Feb 2010

posted November 18, 2010 05:49 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Azakeal     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Venus has been retrograde in Scorpio the last while, now in Libra, but she turns direct today! I think when Venus moves back into Scorpio, recent issues with this person may resurface for only final addressing. Then you can move on afterwards.
Peace
J

------------------
as above, so below

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Lyra
Knowflake

Posts: 235
From: London, UK
Registered: May 2009

posted November 18, 2010 05:54 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lyra     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Which person do you mean...? I'm all over the place right now...almost in tears at my workplace because I just can't see a way out of this hell.

Retro in Scorp was FABULOUS!!! Feeling superconfident and doing well, retro in Libra has been AWFUL!! Stuff going slowly and feeling completely RUBBISH!

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bunnies
Knowflake

Posts: 337
From: u.k
Registered: Apr 2009

posted November 18, 2010 06:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for bunnies     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I understand exactly what you are feeling. Exactly.
Do you know what I hate most?
That all future relationships will be dilute.
Dilute versions of past loves.
That you look at people who are coming on to you and then you hate the fact that you have even bothered to give it a moments consideration because you know, ten years ago, you wouldn't have even given them house room.

But that's what's left. So what's your choice? To be alone or to lower your standards?
Well there is no choice.
And I have to say and it sounds defeatist but I shall still say it.
I think we look to recapture that excitement that we once felt over love.
And it will never happen. It can't happen. The innocence, the hope gets slowly whittled away. Like a pilot light that gets lowered and lowered till phut!....it is no more.
But still we search.
Look at the charts that people post.
Is this one the right one?
Is that one going to be any good?
If we jiggle the planets or find a friggin' asteroid that matches will it work?
Well no! Because if it was right you wouldn't need to ask or manipulate or pray for transits.
Why you feel depressed Lyra and I think if you are honest you will agree.

When that guy came onto you it excited you because you are vain (so am I, don't be offended) and like me you feel powerful (our vanity needs feeding) Even more so when his girlfriend rocked up and saw you as an immediate threat.
But really you know that he's not what you want. He's not of your league. You are messing about in the second division.
And you hate yourself for it.

Because you know you deserve better but you can't find it and if you are even bothering with this guy you realise that you are looking at your future and it's most definitely not orange.

Gradually all that gets left is dross and then they all go on Dating Direct and the ghastly mess goes on.
And on that cheery note

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PlutoSquared
Moderator

Posts: 2519
From: Mars
Registered: Aug 2010

posted November 18, 2010 11:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PlutoSquared     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Bunnies,

WOW. That was severely depressing truth in a big dose.

Thanks.

I did laugh, a little.

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