posted October 30, 2010 11:07 PM         

My first love I had the love at first sight thing with, but we didn't have sex until we had spent like a few days and nights together, consistantly, as in all day and all night, just talking and getting to know one another, but that was a rare exception.

The other people in my life -both husbands for example, were my FRIENDS first [and while alot of people recommend this, I actually don't, because after all the lusty stuff dies down, you'll find that you are back to that original feeling of 'just friends' and that is a sucky position to be in] and we didn't have sex for months... and they both married me, so there is something to be said for the waiting thing, maybe in the eyes of a man, IDK, I just didn't feel like doing it, until I did feel like doing it, and that's when we did it.

Then current BF. Ahh, complicated, and unable to fit in a nice box.
Suffice to say, I knew him from 'around', and we didn't like each other at all!
(Well, now he says he liked me the whole time, but pretended not to because he thought I was stuck up WHATEVER!) Anyway, we went on vacation, and pretty much got waaay drunk and slept together and have been into each other ever since.

So Ami asks is it like movie star love?

Who knows? We only hear what is published about movie stars, not what goes on behind closed doors.

I feel like this is the love of my life.
I mean, it's been almost 4 years, and I never stop thinking of him.
I asked him though, if he thought less of me for sleeping with him on that vacation, when we were just supposed to be going as a group of friends, and he said, "heck no, I was soooo glad that you did, and wondered why we didn't do it sooner!"

so, I guess like everyone said, there isn't an easy answer to this question.
But it' a great question!

posted October 30, 2010 11:55 PM         

I still see yucky old sexist ideas hanging around this issue. You ask the LADIES here if we would tell our DAUGHTERS to wait as long as possible for sex. This implies that casual sex with a stranger would somehow not be skeezy, dangerous, emotionally corrosive, etc for our sons. And it implies that if we are men/Dads, we would have a different attitude than women/Moms.

Luckily, with more gay-lesbian-bi-transgendered-transsexual people coming out of the closet, we can start looking at this as being more about two (or sometimes more!) human beings and how they connect.

If I were a parent, I would tell my daughter(s) or son(s) that sex can be emotionally intense, heavy, and very intimate, and effect you more than you might expect...and that he/she should wait to have sex until it felt wonderfully right to both him/her and the partner. That it's okay to wait as long as you want. And that if you can't talk about it with each other--including talking about being safe and using protection--it isn't right to do it. BUT I would not tell my child "wait as long as possible." I would say, "wait till it really feels right, not just physically, but intuitively and emotionally."

It's tough on boys/men,too. to have sex that doesn't feel right, and then there's a stigma attached for them to admit that.

It's so rare for a relationship to "last" with both parties still being deeply in love. Probably my 7th and 8th house stelliums talking, but I think it's as magic, fragile thing when that happens, and it usually means the couple has enough emotional rapport to weather some screw-ups early in the relationship.

Back to the whole what-I'd-tell-my-kid thing--these days, a lot of us don't expect that the people teens go out with are who they'll marry and stay with until they day. I would think it was great if my late teen/adult son or daughter could have a few healthy, safe sexual experiences before they found someone they were very long-term with...and I think it's important to see if you are sexually compatible before you marry someone. So I would not say "wait as long as possible," just "wait till the right time."

posted November 01, 2010 06:17 AM         

quote:

---

Her first husband and father of her children
: 5 years.
Second husband and father of her other kids: 11 years.
Lover of 14 years also start.

---

I'd hardly call 5 and 11 years WORKING!!!!!!

posted November 01, 2010 12:41 PM         

And besides, what sticks for over 10 years these days ?
Not many people who even have dated for a long time and not slept together quickly last over 5 years

posted November 01, 2010 01:03 PM         

Lara, Linda Goodman never had a "lasting" relationship of the type you are describing, early sex or no early sex. She was married twice and then had an important love affair after her second marriage, as far as I know.

In my own case, I don't think a relationship "lasting" fifty years instead of ten makes it more significant--it's about the depth and level of connection between the two people. My 14+ year relationship was VERY significant to me. After I outgrew it as a one-on-one romantic/sexual relationship, we are still close friends. I don't think that if either of us had withheld sex when we were first feeling that love at first sight thing, out of some ass-backward idea that sex is somehow cheap or dirty and would corrode our ability to develop long-term closeness or respect, we would've stayed together longer. We did not split up because we had sex early.

40 or 50 year relationships that "last" necessarily came from a very different generation. (Forty years ago, I was not yet a fetus.) AND just because people stay together for so long does not always mean it's a good, strong relationship that makes them happy.

posted November 01, 2010 01:31 PM         

And it's true that marriages lasted back then because really divorce was unheard of. In addition, people did not live as long as they do now! Nor did they see their mates as often. People also were resigned to whether or not the person they were with was 'right' for them. You made the marriage and had children and that was that.
People often did not marry for love - they married to strengthen alliances, for property, politics, etc....the idea of marrying for love is very new, and sadly, it is not the most important thing if you want something to last. Try liking someone first, and having good conversation, and similar values and a nice spark of attraction. I realize this is not terribly romantic, but it is realistic, and is coming from someone who married purely for love and passion, without friendship, and found that it did not 'last' at all regardless of how completely 'proper' our courtship was
And even now, when I have all the friendship and likeness of values with someone else, who knows if THAT will last?

posted November 01, 2010 02:27 PM         

Also, I guess that in this thread, "having had sex early" also applies to those couples who started to have sex soon after they got together (soon as in within 2~3 months I guess?). Do they also have no self respect? I don't see how sleeping with someone coz you trust each other's intentions and feelings and it's a natural thing to do when you feel attracted to each other is of no self respect. I don't see how sleeping with someone who knows that you don't just sleep with anyone you can, but sleeping with him/her coz you feel something special for him/her, and that he/she knows that you know that he/she's the same, can mean no self respect.

posted November 01, 2010 03:43 PM         

Just because it's really hard to tell the difference (for me) between love and lust, once your all romantic and stupid for each other.

It seems like a simple thing. But, it's not really for me. As I have been in relationships that lasted, and started off quick in the beginning - but they also burned out from differences that would have been fairly easy to pick out, had we not been so caught up in the early fireworks :P

posted November 01, 2010 04:20 PM         

MVM,
By self respect l mean that using a condom and shagging who you want doesn't really make you responsible. There are so many things you can catch with condoms and most condoms aren't safe anyway.
Personally, for me i'm not giving my body to just anyone - i don't care how much they make me wanna rip my clothes off. My body is sacred and my temple in the physical world. I value it and l value sex to be more than just getting your rocks off so this is also about self worth/self respect.

posted November 01, 2010 05:14 PM         

I was not shagging the last ten people he slept with, he'd only had two lovers before me ever. And I did not have sex with him early because I disrespect myself, my body, my sexuality...or his body and sexuality. I did it because it felt right and I felt like this was someone I wanted to be with for the next ten years. We can each get hit by a bus and die at any moment, after all?

If sex is sacred, rather than dirty and sleazy, why is withholding it when it feels right physically, spiritually, and emotionally so great?

Lara, I've read Love Signs many times. If you get past the datedness and sexism/overly conventional gender roles/lack of acknowledgement of non-hetero relationships, I think her Sun sign-based astrological analyses can be pretty helpful.

But I do NOT agree with Linda that we fall in love eyes first, then mind, then heart, then soul, and then we should save the body for last.

I think there are many unique combinations of connectedness we can each feel with every other being (not even just human beings!) on the planet. Sometimes all those things come together, sometimes in a different order from Linda's.

I think Linda's approach very much reflects her era and milieu, the time of hippie orgies and "free love"--she was recommending getting to know someone before leaping into an orgy with them. Generally good advice.

posted November 01, 2010 05:19 PM         

In my case, I used to hope I could "get my rocks off" and have erotic fulfillment without a strong emotional bond with the person, but that doesn't work for me. I think some of my attitudes are more puritanical than usual right now because someone left me and I feel like I never want to have sex with someone who is not him.

posted November 01, 2010 05:44 PM         

Lucia, I can understand that - you're feeling protective of yourself, and for good reason.