posted February 18, 2009 10:45 PM            

However, all of this is well-documented and explained in many books, sites, and other sources. In particular, Dangerous Schools : What We Can Do About the Physical and Emotional Abuse of Our Children by Irwin A. Hyman and Pamela A. Snook explores the emotional (and sometimes) physical damage done to students on an ordinary basis. (This even includes undercover police officers that get teen girls pregnant and get away with it.)

Luckily, a school is not necessary for socialization, any more than it is for an education. My experience suggests that schools are actually harmful to both socialization and academic achievement. One thing I learned in school is that you can be surrounded by hundreds of kids and still be lonely and alienated. Schools don’t make friends for you, after all, or even provide a good environment for making friends in. With all the rules, there’s hardly any time to make friends at all.

A healthy social life requires much more than indifferent daily contact with a few hundred people born the same year you were. It doesn’t come from compulsory herding but from a healthy sense of self-esteem. This is something many schools actively destroy, and from more than just their forced "socialization."

Friendships are more likely to be formed when no one is forced to "be socialized." Friendships require conversations and helping each other. In most classrooms this is against the rules, as such socialization is considered disruptive, or even "cheating." What is approved by school rules is sitting still, doing repetitive tasks, and suffering bullies silently.

Relationships are not limited to being in a building full of chalk dust -- though it may seem so if this is the only place you ever met people -- but are found everywhere that humans are found. Out in the real world is where people like me and people who have homeschooled or unschooled their entire lives have made friends. Sometimes, they make A LOT of friends (as I did).

Many also become friends with those who are schooled more conventially, especially if they used to go to school themselves. The world is FULL of romance and friendship and intimacy and passion just waiting to happen. This doesn’t require school. It requires other human beings, and friendships happen even easier outside of a school than within it. Why? Because you can find people who share your interests (rather than just the same birth year) and you aren’t restricted from talking and genuine socialization as you are in school the great majority of time. Nor are you constantly hounded by bullying kids and adults obsessed with making sure their supremacy is acknowledged.

If the thought of making friends outside of a school stuns you then you should broaden your horizons. As I took my life and the lives of others for granted, having experienced relationships outside of school firsthand, what I’m about to share seems perfectly obvious to me.

So what goes on then? Other friends (possibly those in a more conventional school setting) visit as always, and you can do your homework/academic projects together (they don’t have to be the same thing, either). Or you could work on a project together such as building something, working on a novel together, or making a video together. Skateboarding, surfing, and cycling (including all kinds of interesting stunts and tricks) are popular activities that can count as good PE (except that it's fun). Of course, simple friendship with some shared music is good enough. You can always set up more formal projects later if you want.

I found that many didn’t apply to work at McDonald’s the way highschoolers often will, but started their own biz. This could be the standard lawn care individuals and groups, but also includes cleaning services, automotive repair, custom-painting skateboards or tye-dying clothes as just a few examples. This leads to further contacts, further socialization, and to more relationships, as well as teaching responsibility and a good work ethic.

Many like to join clubs including (but not limited to) the Society for Creative Anachronism, the Sierra Club, Amnesty International, Greenpeace, and many smaller organizations. I knew some who were tree sitters (the ones that hostile critics say were skipping school? Nope, many of them were homeschooled or unschooled!) There are also many groups devoted to just about any kind of hobby or interest or endeavor including frisbee teams, performance guilds, outdoor programs of universities, drumming circles, mountain search and rescue, and even city planning committees.

Natch, there is always the YMCA/YWCA, Camp Fire USA, the 4-H Club, and plenty of religious organizations (not restricted to Christianity or even monotheism), sports teams, scouts (uh, don’t ask, don’t tell!), youth symphonies and garage bands, and teen support groups and hotlines. Community leagues, colleges, private schools, and church leagues often have groups and sports teams in which unschoolers can participate. (In some places, nothing stops unschoolers or homeschoolers from forming their own teams.) There are plenty of museums, science organizations, and other groups that accept volunteers. I knew some homeschoolers that formed an environmental club (based on books like Fifty Simple Things You Can Do to Save the Earth). Various activist groups also form connections for many young people to have a life with.

Unschoolers and homeschoolers also make their own groups (have I mentioned that?). Btw, here’s the Not Back To School Camps:
http://www.nbtsc.org/

Some even travel the world and become involved in international affairs. You can find books written by or about unschoolers who did just that (such as Dove).

In addition to forming contacts and friendships just about anywhere you go, we are not barred from the standard hangouts. I met plenty of kids at the movies and malls and beaches. It’s hard NOT to form friendships! I wasn’t shunned for being outside of school, either (or if I was, it was a lot less than when I was in school). Many kids thought my unschooling was cool, whether or not they had any interest in leaving school themselves. Nor was I angry and bitter the way I had been in school (and this might’ve helped me to make friends, too). There was also more time to spend with friends who shared my interests. In a way, I had my cake and ate it, too, like so many others.

I had more friends once I left school than I ever did before, too. I think I got invited to more parties outside of school (including by those who still went to school) than I ever did when I was a part of school. I also formed many pen pals and internet connections and have met a few of those people since then, too. This is also a common practice among those who get an education outside of school.

Overall, homeschoolers find their self reliance and esteem enhanced, while the negative effects of peer pressure (including bullying, shunning, etc) are almost completely eliminated. Younger unschoolers (like 12 to 14) find it wonderful not to be expected to be saddled with a boyfriend/girlfriend (or to have sex or do drugs) in order to be accepted.

In an informal group hosted by a few sympathetic adults (including a school teacher disillusioned with public education), we often found our highschool peers immature, inexperienced, and uninteresting. I admit that many who came to our group were sent there for extra credit (which they needed), but having reviewed some sources I see that our perceptions are shared by the majority of other homeschoolers and unschoolers.

One former unschooler adds that unschooling allows teens to stay "young" as long as they want, but also to "grow up" as soon as they are ready. (I would also add that unschoolers have a lot more practice being adults by the time they really are adults, which is no small advantage over highschoolers that suddenly find themselves 18 before they know it, and almost no experience at being an adult.)

Unschoolers can also keep up with any former (or new) relationships with conventional highschoolers (though the fact that highschoolers have a lot less time can be frustrating). They tend to grow closer to their families and start liking their parents and siblings more. While they tend to have fewer casual friendships, they generally develop stronger and closer friendships with those they like. They also don’t have to spend time around those they don’t have a lot in common with (no more than the average adult). Their friends include children younger and older and many adults. They get over any former feelings that they can’t talk to adults. Most unschoolers (including myself) find plenty of adults to act as role models and mentors. Apprenticeships and internships are common. For the first time, many of us form healthy relationships with adults.

That’s why I don’t agree with the assumption that people who do not go to school are socially damaged--simply because they’re not. I find it sad that some people can only imagine people making friends in a place that they are forced to go to and often aren’t allowed to talk to each other most of the time. If this is the only way you were ever able to make friends, you have led a very sad life.

I also wonder how many homeschoolers and unschoolers commit suicide, become pregnant, or addicted to drugs when compared to regular schoolers. I would think the number is much higher among more conventional schools. I have yet to hear of a homeschooler or unschooler who shot anyone as a student, let alone take out a library or family.

To me, asserting that we must send children to our outdated and outmoded schools so that they can fit into society sounds too much like the idea that we must mutilate the genitals of young girls so that they can be accepted into their society. (We wouldn’t want to ruin their "socialization" now, would we?)

Finally, SCHOOLS are what shelter kids from life (in addition to retarding their social skills). Too many parents wouldn't accept anything less than enforced ignorance even if the school board was more open. And then there's the problem with the textbooks. IMO, the only way schools are superior is in teaching obedience & mediocrity (and/or of pointless rebellion that actually serves the authoritarian order), ie, socializing to an authoritarian order. That, and they make good babysitters for parents who'd rather not deal with such responsibilities themselves.

I realize that sharing this with those who have already made up their minds on this (whether to sympathetic to my view or not) is pointless, but for those who are wondering, a social life does exist outside of the walls of a school. EVERY problem and objection anyone can think to raise in regards to homeschooling and unschooling has been dealt with. Teachers that help in both the homeschooling and unschooling paths have written many books that explain how kids can have a social life, have an interesting and active life, join a sports team, gain an internship, and go to college (even Harvard). All you have to do, if you’re interested, is learn about it.

(But if you’re unable to learn without some authority figure putting it in front of you and assigning homework over it, then I guess you’re pretty screwed and should just follow orders. You should also sit up straighter as you read this, too. Now. Should you ever lose your vaunted position as a wage slave, remember the military can always use new people now, and is full of new friends for you. Which is important to keep in mind as you’ll never have friends outside of the military. Hey, I told you to stop slouching! )

It’s possible that my experiences aren't typical (though they are common enough) and that all schools aren’t as toxic as I think they are. But I know for a fact that homeschooling and unschooling aren’t as toxic as others make it out to be. They are perfectly healthy and viable alternatives. IMO, until schools radically change, homeschooling and unschooling will continue to be a better path in learning and in making friends.

posted February 18, 2009 10:49 PM            

***
"My confidence has grown immensely--I am not judged for reasons such as clothes, money, or my looks.... My social life is better than it ever was at school. I meet people at the YMCA, ballet class, and I have adult friends."

--Suzanne Klemp, YMCA ballet teacher, age 15
*

"My social life is much more rounded than school kids’; I talk to anyone and everyone the same. I’ve noticed that most kids will talk to anyone younger than them but only superficially, and hardly talk to adults at all except when spoken to. I don’t believe in that and make a point of showing that I’ll talk to anyone about anything. On the track team there’s all ages and I’m friends with all equally. I don’t make a point of talking someone just because of closeness in age. For example, I talk to the little boys in kindergarten because we share a common hatred of the rock group New Kids on the Block. And the coaches ask me quite important things such as make sure so-and-so is standing in the right lane, and sometimes they get so mixed up I have to remind them what they are suppose to be doing (they are grateful for it).

"I have about thirty pen-pals and they range in age from about ten to fifty. I consider these my friends and my social life because you can be social through the mail. I may not have as many friends and acquaintances as other kids but it is not the amount but the quality of friendship that counts."

--Anne Brosnan, 13

*
"I am friends with the adults who live in the house next door to us....Dick is interested in bicycling and philosophy and Crunch is interested in word games, movies, and sports. These are all things that I am interested in, which is one of the reasons I immediately became friends with them. The other reason is that they take me seriously and respect what I have to say about things. They are a few things that I talk to them about that I don’t talk to most of my friends who are closer in age to me (I’m 13)--for instance, politics and education.

"I don’t think my friendship with them is very different from my friendships with other teenagers, except for the fact that we have better conversations. We often fool around with each other the way I would friends my own age. I think that they are many things I can learn from them, but that doesn’t make me feel that they are necessarily superior to me. They are probably things that they can learn from me also. I do think that we have a very equal friendship, most likely because they respect me in the same way that I respect them."

--Jeremiah Gingold, from GWS (Growing Without Schooling) #74

***

posted February 19, 2009 07:28 AM            

Also, by no means am I saying school is important for the sake of respecting some random authority figure or whatever outdated idea is tied in to that! The best points in my life in all my terrible school experiences was finding the good teachers who rocked the boat enough and who were catalysts for a broader perspective and actually encouraged individuality. It made the terrible school experience worthwhile - and for myself alone, I certainly would not have been able to get that at home. So I do think there is value here to school, not just the mind-numbing stuff associated with it as far as taking orders, etc.

I agree that public schools aren't great, and can be especially bad in some places - if I had a child and could NOT MOVE to a better area with a better school district (and I stress that this would be a priority), then I would homeschool my child. But that's only if the public schooling is *terrible*....and even then I would have some real trepidation about it. I would be concerned about the different types of people my child is *not* getting to see - that means people they both get along with and do not get along with.

I wouldn't go so far as to drag in female genital mutilation into this issue though. It's a bit over-the-top. I've lived in a country where certain rural parts of it had female genital mutilation, and I've also lived in Los Angeles and went to a crappy public school. I don't really think the two are comparable here.
Going to school, at least for *me*, is not to 'fit' into society (and anyone who knows me knows exactly how I am opposed to ANY kind of societal pressure) but to just...learn, not just academically.

Also....as much as I HATED school as a kid, it was the only place I could go to get the hell away from my parents and have some time to at least mingle with kids my age for a better part of the day. I know I can't possibly be the only one who felt this way growing up.
And let's not forget that there are still some *good* teachers out there in the public schools. Really good teachers. There's not enough of them, true enough, but I can't imagine what teachers would do in schools if everyone who wanted an education was homeschooled!

So much of this is just the education system in general. It's terrible. One of the things I fear about this homeschooling business is that it can let the public education just keep getting worse because, well, we can just homeschool our kids since it sucks so badly. And I don't think that should be our option, you know? I can't imagine how time-consuming it would be to teach a kid at home. So, you give up your own career if you have one to homeschool, and granted, I would sacrifice anything for my kid, but really, I would move to a place with a better school district before I quit my job and career in order to homeschool my child. Not all parents have the luxury of time, or even, sadly, an education themselves.

posted February 19, 2009 11:15 AM              

do I believe I can do better? Well, my first thought is "you bet your arse I can", but, honestly, that's a tough question to answer. While I consider myself fairly well educated and a good deal more informed than the average joe, homeschooling is still an enormous and overwhelming undertaking. It's true - it's not for everyone. The financial factor alone prevents many parents from even considering the option, I'm sure. I assumed I would return to work when my son went to school. I can't work and homeschool. So much for going back to our comfortable financial situation and many more years of belt tightening. Not to mention the alluring thought of - God forgive me - a respite from 24 hr parenting. And that's just for starters. Homeschooling is a sacrifice, and you're absolutely right MVM, not every parent is willing and able to make it. To some degree, I'm shaking in my shoes - and I don't often do that. If there was a Waldorf school or even a Montessori school nearby I'd love that option, but there isn't. So, when I consider the available alternative ......

posted February 19, 2009 11:21 AM              

The forced seclusion of the public school, the unnatural test tube environment, the all too often "Lord of the Flies" type scenarios to be found there, the lack of adult control and mature influence is one of the elements I'd like to avoid. My son is only two, so we're not yet taking part in any formal homeschooling, but I've spent many hours researching and I was surprised as anyone by the amount of outside learning homeschooled kids take part in. I think we have in our minds the picture of a pale-faced, shy little thing glued to his mom's apron strings, spending precisely 6 hours at the dining room table pouring over dusty books. That's not the norm. In homeschooling, learning becomes a natural and all day event, as, I strongly believe, it should be. So many mothers say they spend as much time outside the house as they do inside, if not more. As dervish pointed out (thanks btw dervish, excellent links) homeschoolers have access to countless opportunities for social exchange. I live in a small, conservative, hopelessly mainstream state. And yet, we have two homeschooling organizations, forever getting together for educational and social outings. Not to mention the availibilty of church/temple/etc groups, secular community groups and, well, how about just playing with the neighborhood kids?
Another small anecdotal story I recently read from a homeschooling mom ..... the mother was standing in line with her son at a local drugstore(I don't recall his exact age. Maybe 6 or 7). Another woman with her son, of a similiar age, stood before them and a middle aged Middle-Eastern man, wearing a long Arabic styled robe, stood behind them. The other woman's son was twisting his neck around to look at the strangely dressed man, while his mother pulled his arm and admonished him to "be polite" and "stop staring". The homeschooling mom had a general rule that her son could talk to strangers as long as she was there and he was polite. The little boy felt sufficiently safe, confident and curious to turn around and ask the man about his outfit. So began an impromptu cultural exchange between the six year old and the, it turns out, Jordanian man. This smart mom and boy took advantage of their fortune and followed up with a pleasant afternoon at the library pouring over pictures and maps of Jordan.

posted February 19, 2009 01:06 PM            

my daughter was desperate for the company of her peers from the age of two! so i sent her to the nursery school, which was great. she loved it and learned SOO much. by first grade, though, the pressure to sit still and conform was on BIGTIME. by the time she was ten she was subjected to ostracization by her group of friends because she dared to make peace with the ringleader of a little gang she and her friends had been "warring" with. in other words, she transgressed the Group Loyalty in the interests of peace and intelligence. after that school was basically a lost cause with her.

so for secondary school we homeschooled. she was enrolled in a public system tutorial program - one 3 hour meeting per week with tutor, classes optionally available on campus, the rest of the time she was supervised by herself and me. as i have always had to work, i insisted she have a job of some sort (kept her off the streets, taught her PRACTICAL math, work skills and interpersonal skills) where she not only learned to get along with ALL kinds of people, but to stand up for herself AND to speak spanish - many of her coworkers were hispanic. scholastically she learned to pace herself, and since she had a boyfriend who was in trouble with the immigration authorities she took on lobbying on his behalf, writing to politicians, paying for a lawyer out of her salary, and studying immigration law!

i think however the key to a successful education is not the system you use but the involvement of the parents. many schoolchildren are largely on their own in the system, parents assuming that the school will do all the teaching for them. i still believe that reading, writing and the basics can be well started before the school ever gets to it...i know my daughter was reading at 4 and could work out money sums at least around the same age. my grandson LOVES reading, writing, simple math and science.

so the basic problem is not so much the school system or homeschooling but the fact that a large percentage of parents are not willing to steer their kids socially OR academically and so we all suffer the consequences of basically negligent parenting. the lead story on this thread is a prime example.

posted February 19, 2009 02:21 PM            

Katatonic, your example of your daughter's homeschooling is really priceless. That you would pay attention to the social structure and to the enforced convention of her just sitting there and conforming isn't something I hear about often

For myself, I dropped out at 16 from school. I actually had the opposite problem of parents who were not involved, instead having a parent who was *too* involved...in this case, I did have a lot of social adjustments to make from cultures (Kuwait, Egypt, the UK, and then the US), as well as personal family stuff, and hated school way too much. I was bright, but didn't like my teachers, with exceptions of the few who truly liked their jobs, which is funny. If the teachers loved their work, and I could see their passion in their work, then I, in turn, was interested to learn. I dropped out, however, because of the ridiculous involvement in my life - parents taking over school projects, pushing me into directions I didn't want to go into, etc...I finally dropped out on my own and got my GED, started traveling, and ended up taking college courses on my own, studying what interested me (writing, literature) which I was initially steered away from.

In contrast, my siblings, who are some 10-20 years younger than I have stayed in school. Things have changed, and it's a strange thing when you see a mailbox full of university applications for a 14 year-old. My siblings got up at 5 AM every morning for school and waited for the bus when it was still dark outside, then came home at 4:30 PM. They hate school with a passion. They also are driven hard by my parents but weren't rebellious, so it's interesting to see them going the other way. So much of their life is centered around school and academics, and they're good kids, but in general they don't have a thought beyond getting online and playing a game in their free time - they are that exhausted.

I look at them and I am actually a little bit frightened for them because I wonder what kind of life they are headed toward. After my sister graduated college she got married and stays home playing games online and refuses to get a job (never had one)...She's only 23. I see my brother in medical school, who didn't want to go to medical school, but who was forced to go because of my dad. He doesn't know what to do with his life and stays in medical school because the rule is, as long as he stays, he doesn't have to get a job or pay for anything.

Anyway - again, I'm rambling....sorry! I think a lot of what we consider successful varies here. For me, for instance, a successful human being is one who is diverse and curious about the world around them, and who makes a living doing what they love or at least like very much, because to me, I see no personal practicality in a life-long job which one hates but which merely pays the bills.
My parents think the former statement is the mark of success and as long as one is making a lot of money, then they are 'successful' - and whatever authority figures in schools say is considered golden. I find this narrow-minded, but I am also aware that there are many parents who are this way. So it was extremely refreshing for me to read about Katatonic's experience and unique reasons for choosing to homeschool her daughter....her daughter doesn't sound sheltered and naive at all, which proves to me again, that homeschooling can be wonderful if done by a parent who has a sense of awareness of the world around her, and who is interested in her daughter's development as a *person*, not just another figure in society who gets out there to make money and have this sort of mind-numbing existence.

posted February 20, 2009 12:38 AM              

We still homeschool, my little cub and I. My humble beginnings in this arena began before he was born, as I was reading tons of attachment/natural parenting literature. This involved an area that nebulously revolved around both unschooling and waldorf homeschool. It's easier to combine the two when the babe is very young. Most waldorfians tsk tsk at the thought of unschooling though. I have ambled back and forth with both waldorf and unschooling....we've had the Enki, Christopherus and Sonlight curriculae, and they all have assisted in our evolving "style" which, for us, seems to be headed in an unschooling direction. All in all, it's the most vital and important undertaking I've ever done. Whenever I angst about it all though, I look around, and try to take note of how my son has learned reading and writing, and is so excited about learning history and about the world, all on his own, due to his interests, emerging of his own volition. He loves writing, and has learned very well, though we have not had formal lessons as such, as waldorf advises (as does much child learning research expertise) a later introduction of such "academics".

Unschooling seems a natural continuation of attachment/natural parenting, though waldorf has enriched our (soul)lives so much. Recently I've steered my way over to some burgeoning thought entitled "Tidal Homeschooling" that encompasses the breadth and width of everything, it seems, in its wingspan:

I call us "Tidal Learners" because the ways in which we approach education here change with the tide. Now, this doesn't mean that we're flighty or inconsistent, changing direction haphazardly. We aren't Fiddler Crab Homeschoolers. What I mean is that there is a rhythm to the way learning happens here; there are upbeats and downbeats; there is an ebb and flow.

We have high tide times when I charter a boat and we set sail with purpose and direction, deliberately casting our net for a particular type of fish. On these excursions I am the captain; I have charted the course. But the children are eager crew members because they know I value their contributions. And also I provide generous rations. No stale or moldy bread on this ship: no dull textbooks, no dry workbooks. My sailors sink their teeth into fresh, hearty bread slathered with rich butter and tart-sweet jam. Well fed and proud of their work, my little crew exhilarates in the voyage. Every journey is an adventure.

And we have low tide times when we amble along the shore, peering into tide pools and digging in the sand, or just relaxing under beach umbrella. The children wander off in directions of their own choosing; they dig and poke and ponder. One of them may crouch over a rock pool and stay there for days, studying, watching. Another will run headlong into the waves, thrilling to the pull on her legs, splashing, leaping, diving under and emerging triumphantly farther out. Or a child might prefer to stay close by my side, drawing stick pictures in the sand or building a castle. All of these things may be happening at once. Sometimes it looks as though nothing is happening: there's just an array of bodies on beach towels. But oh, the nourishment there is in a time of quiet reflection while the soul soaks up the sunlight!

Our family enjoys both kinds of learning—the heady adventure of the well-planned fishing trip, with a goal and a destination in mind, and the mellower joys of undirected discovery during weeks at the metaphorical beach. Around here, the low tide times happen much more often than the high tide times, and often I find that the children catch more fish, so to speak, when the tide is out. Beachcombing reveals many treasures. But they do enjoy their excursions with Cap'n Mom. I really believe joy is the key, the element we breathe whether the tide is in or out. It's the wind that propels our ship; it's the tangy breeze that cools and refreshes us on the beach.

In the coming days I'll write about how the metaphor plays out in our house on a practical level. "So what do you do all day?" is a question I'm often asked, and since every day is different, it's easiest to answer that question with snapshots and specifics. Right now, this week, we're spending our mornings on the boat. We're studying sign language and German; we're enjoying a Robert Frost poem every day; we're reading a book of English history together as well as the oft-mentioned The Penderwicks. Jane spends time on her self-prescribed drawing exercises every day, and my funny Rose continues her dogged pursuit of ancient Greek. (More on that another day). I've plotted a rough course that should bring us back into port in early April, when the newest member of our crew will arrive. And then I expect the tide will go out for quite a long time. It's always a low tide time for us in spring, even when there isn't a new baby. I'm laying in a good supply of books to read from the shade of my umbrella, but I imagine the children will spend most of their time off exploring the shore.

Here in the Bonny Glen

and yes this, beyond all else, is the heart and truth of matter:

I really believe joy is the key, the element we breathe whether the tide is in or out.

It was nourishing, in a way, to find myself back here posting again. Thanks for that.

posted February 21, 2009 12:53 AM              

Serendipity? A little bird? Whatever it was, I'm happy to see you.

Very happy because I feel as though your post was precisely what I needed to hear.

I live with someone perhaps similiar. Very mainstream, very orthodox, very structured and orderly and tense. But also very caring. Someone who takes seriously his role of husband and father and therefore provider. I'm so grateful for that and yet .... I too often find myself reflecting back the nervous and rigid aspect of his personality.
This is maybe not so conducive to homeschooling, is it?
For example, I've spent the last few months agonizing over which particular homeschooling philosophy, which curriculum is just right for us. I felt I had to choose one and then stick to it come what may. It never occured to me that we might evolve, that the curriculum might change to serve our needs, that we needn't be slaves to someone else's educational schedule. duh. I'm guessing that a more organic, trusting and easy going approach might do me better.

I looove that blog and will check out Connection Parenting too.

I see that this will be a learning experience not just for the little guy, but myself as well.

~ ~ ~

There have been a handful of souls here at LL who have influenced me and even altered my way of thinking. A few I've spoken with at length and in depth, and a few I've spoken with only in passing ... or maybe even just silently read their posts. You're one of them. Thank you.

I feel blessed by your unexpected presence here. I pray the blessing is returned to you and your little cub tenfold.

better than being what you imagine to be good is to be with those who really are good

Bayazid

posted February 21, 2009 02:04 AM              

No little birds, just my own restless wanderings here and there, that occasionally bring me here. Reading Linda Goodman books opened my heart to spirit and joy...got me understanding things about the Nazarene, love and the life of the soul, that were lost to me before. Made me think about life in a positive way, that I might someday create a new and very special life. Gregory at the other LG site carried forth her magic, and seemed to be right there with me, when I first discovered I was with babe, I went there to tell the world. He encouraged me with the midwifery, having been midwife to his own children. I seem to gauge my course with markers on the path that LG has strewn for us, so of course I will return here every so often to look around for any whisper of her continued wisdom and guidance.

posted February 21, 2009 02:05 AM              

Kids want to learn. They just do. Get the hell out of the way, and leave an interesting trail behind you.

If a child is happily playing a computer game or watching TV for the *entire* time that that child would have been in school, that child is infinitely better off than if she was unhappily at school.

The main goal is raising happy kids. Everything else is a bonus.

Worry and guilt are pretty much wasted emotions. Act from right now.

Get on eBay or go to thrift stores and garage sales and try to find and buy all the toys and books you loved as a kid and the ones you always wanted and never got. Then if you run into things you never saw but would've loved as a kid, buy those too. Sometimes I think about all the money I've saved on vaccinations, daycare, preschool, private school, formula and disposable diapers—I consider that "fun life" money.

After a time, if you know your child is never going to play with the above, and you no longer need it, bless another family or local thrift store with it.

Don't ever talk about money wasted.

Invite your most interesting, off-the-wall friends for dinner or overnights...often.

Give your kids an allowance. My grandma always said everyone needs a little pocket money.

Create an environment that would be the ultimate summer vacation set-up.

If you can afford it, and you worry about having a clean house, hire a helper. For me, that means giving up one big meal out a month. (I don't do it, but I think it is a comforting thought.)

If you have no money, love and trust are better than school.

Think of all the things you learned without school. Write them down. Or don't. You never did like being told what to do .

Print out quotes that ring true about parenting, freedom, and unschooling and post them on the fridge.

Even though it's a cliche: Fake it till you make it.

Be honest with your kids. Really.

When you have a bad moment, admit it. Move on.

When a relative treats your child unfairly or unkindly, protect your child. Once in awhile, say things (nicely) you would've liked to have said in retaliation when you were a kid. Just imagining it sometimes works too.

Remember that you get to heal yourself when you treat a child the way you would've liked the adults in your life to treat you.

Really note the *child's* interests. If you are into books and your child isn't, no big. Your child will have lots of other interests. Likewise, if you're into sports and your child isn't, your little 'un will have a lot to show *you*.

If your child asks you not to do something, don't do it.

Remember foodstuffs (flour, eggs, etc.) are inexpensive toys and full of experiment power. Don't get hung up on wasting. (This is also good to remember when you're in the middle of a great phone conversation. Eva has, many times, happily cracked a dozen eggs while I finished up a great phone call.)

Sometimes we all need a little sweet to help us feel sweet (I was thinking about food, but I guess this is about way more than food).

I'd rather have dentures than horrible memories of a parent forcing me to brush my teeth.

If you have no unschooling friends in real life, and you need a sense of community and connection, it is more than okay to be online. Try to get a high speed connection.

If you love schedules, it is okay to plan things, tentatively. "If nothing better comes along," You might say, "I'll be making cookies on Monday, cleaning the fishbowls on Wednesday, going to the library on Thursday, yard sale-ing on Saturday. If anyone wants to come or has better suggestions, let me know!"

If it appeals to you, subscribe to the newspaper and don't read anything that doesn't sit well with you. It is full of local happenings, weird occurrences, kids pages, comics, free animals, coupons, the TV and movie guide, and gossip about your kids' favorite stars . Add stuff from the newspaper to your tentative schedule.

Learn something you always wanted to learn. Actively engaging in life is great for creating happy energy. Happy energy is the most wonderful thing in the world to be around. I want my kids to want to be around me.

Parent kindly and mindfully parent.

And my husband added:
Take advantage of every opportunity to answer questions your children ask. Don't try to teach them lessons ...cause then they get bored, just answer their questions.

Never tell them you will take them to the hot tub if you don't know for sure you can.

posted February 21, 2009 02:06 AM              

Happy energy will take you to undreamt of places...your child will be so much better for the happy energy and love in which you immerse him, then all the "scope and sequences" in the world. But it really does, require faith, trust and confidence.

Enki has a great meditational approach for tuning into the essence of your child, and then providing what he himself needs, not with what we feel we must condition him to become. I love the Enki child philosophy, that encompasses the therapeutic essence of waldorf, and goes beyond, to discuss the inner workings of how children learn at different ages, like, primarily through their bodies before age 6, so that emphasizing academics is actually detrimental to their development. Of course waldorf emphasizes this as well, but doesn't dwell on the sensory integration issues that most children are struggling with these days. (Esp if they are Asperger-ish, or high functioning autistic, which is much on the rise -- for these reasons actually, that children aren't allowed to learn through their bodies, movement and imagination at a young age -- instead are forced to sit still, follow orders, and live in their heads...Enki addresses this directly and in detail.)

As well as the way we treat children, when they live in a very different dream world than our own. They simply don't understand the way of adults at times, and giving orders just doesn't register with them. (John Holt and John Taylor Gatto are good allies in this arena.) (As for waldorf -- there is a spirit and "warmth" in it that I haven't found elsewhere, like nourishment for the soul. This is what's missing from Enki.)