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Author
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Topic: It just came to me..........
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pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 2126
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted October 07, 2005 10:12 AM
 
Another sleepless night. I wonder how working completely full time, on your feet, packing up belongings, ripping someone's heart out and your own because of that.. I wonder how things could get better?
I suppose.. 'darkness before the dawn' is apt....
I feel completion though.. like this needed to happen.. an the shame involved is deserved. Although I wish I had the credence to make him understand that it isn't sick or shallow, I wasn't disrespectful.... I simply connected where I wasn't finding it here......... I can't help that happening.. it feels so fated. So I know this hurt will eventually do what I wanted to do in the first pllace.. he will think of me and instead of seeing his lovely wife whom he adores beyond anything, he will see that woman who hurt him.. and that will plant the seed of hate. It will twinge and turn in his belly until it takes root. Hopefully in there, the tree that grows from this can be mended a little. I don't want to ostracize the best man in the world, because I realized he isn't the best man for me.. I already feel guilt and sadness over that. I have for a long time.
But I can see how this will help him out of love for me, and I suppose that is what I have been asking for.
I feel a little violated that he did detective work in my personal files.. but I suppose, when a relationship breaks up, you need to have answers, even if you must dig for them, so I can't really feel that way for long.....
I guess, too, I am relieved that he knows ( though doesn't understand) that I had been breaking away a long time, and he didn't want to see it, and when you don't have the connection you need where you are, you generally find it somewhere else.
I guess I am relieved. I am actually a little sad. He didn't need to know the particulars.
I don't know what direction my life will take right now, but I know it will be comletely different than it was. I cannot go back now. It is like cement. I will face it. I will try not to crumble.IP: Logged |
FishKitten
Knowflake Posts: 989
From: beautiful, hidden mountain village, BC, Canada
Registered: Aug 2003
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posted October 07, 2005 11:44 AM
Dear Pix...I am sorry for your pain and for the guilt you feel over your husband. Trust me, I know exactly what you are going through. Neither choice is easy, but since you have made the one you have made, here is some good news. You will probably be really happy soon. You will have a new adventure, a new love, a new life. You will get to be just you again instead of a couple (at least for a little while). So what is up with the new man? Is he madly in love with you as well? Does he know this is happening?IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 2126
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted October 07, 2005 11:52 AM
Yes.IP: Logged |
sesame
Moderator Posts: 1062
From: Oz
Registered: Nov 2003
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posted October 07, 2005 01:06 PM
Pixie, I feel I have to say something here in opposition. I know this isn't a debate, but dammit, what's happening? Fine, I can understand that you can't go back, and I don't want you to feel guilty, but I just can't understand this. When you first meet someone, and it feels so great, and then you can't imagine being without them. Then seven years flow by, you meet someone else that's more up with your current level of understanding, so you leave your current spouse to "upgrade", but why can't you understand that maybe this new person is teaching you how more to be you? Why can't you take this knowledge into your current relationship and make it grow? I don't want you to give up. I want you to be happy and free, and grow for sure, but I want you to realise that life isn't always rosy. What if another guy comes along, but this time it's your children? Would you accept him leaving because he's grown? I just can't help but feeling like that's a cop out. Do you really think everything would completely fall apart had you stayed? What if it grew srtonger? What if he wanted to grow with you? Why were you with him in the first place if you were destined to grow away from him? Maybe I'm too naive. I've been in a fairly big relationship before where my girlfriend decided she wanted someone else. Within a few days I was living in a new place and had moved on, but this just feels different. You always seemed so happy with this guy.Look, this is just a rant I had to get out, I honestly don't want you to feel guilty or to act against your desire, but likewise, I want you to know that no doors are ever truly closed. Maybe he will take you back if you realise this path is not for you. Well, anyway, in closing, I will quote Eddie: "All the rusted signs we ignore throughout our lives
Choosing the shiny ones instead". Maybe this isn't a shiny choice, but enough, it's your choice. Maybe you'd relate more to the other lyircs to "Thumbing my Way": quote:
"I have not been home since you left long ago
I’m thumbing my way back to heaven
Counting steps, walking backwards on the road
I’m counting my way back to heaven
I can’t be free with what’s locked inside of me
If there was a key, you took it in your hand
There’s no wrong or right, but I’m sure there’s good and bad
The questions linger overhead
No matter how cold the winter, there’s a springtime ahead
I’m thumbing my way back to heaven
I wish that I could hold you
I wish that I had
Thinking ’bout heaven
I let go of a rope, thinking that’s what held me back
And in time I’ve realized, it’s now wrapped around my neck
I can’t see what’s next, from this lonely overpass
Hang my head and count my steps, as another car goes past
All the rusted signs we ignore throughout our lives
Choosing the shiny ones instead
I turned my back, now there’s no turning back
No matter how cold the winter, there’s a springtime ahead
I smile, but who am I kidding?
I’m just walking the miles, every once in a while I’ll get a ride
I’m thumbing my way back to heaven
Thumbing my way back to heaven
I’m thumbing my way back to heaven..."
Dean. IP: Logged |
amisha121877
Knowflake Posts: 425
From: USA
Registered: Jul 2004
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posted October 07, 2005 02:47 PM
Food For Thought - passed on from one to another to another:Home is where the heart is. Do you know where your heart is/dwells?
"It is with the heart that one see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye"
'The Little Prince'
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FishKitten
Knowflake Posts: 989
From: beautiful, hidden mountain village, BC, Canada
Registered: Aug 2003
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posted October 07, 2005 02:48 PM
I know what you are saying, Dean, but some connections cannot be ignored, no matter what the circumstances. This choice has been made. Pix...perhaps you would like to talk more privately. Aren't you a Mod? I'll send my e-mail address to you at your Lindaland addy.IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 2126
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted October 07, 2005 05:04 PM
Oh My Gosh.This has been mind altering.
Yes.. I do have a connection with another.
However,, after the anguish I have been through I know now, after spending the day in the arms of my VERY UNDERSTANDING spouse who loves me enough to not let me self destruct......... I see that I can't possibly explore the other thing.
Yes, my eyes were opened by the other man, and yes, in another life, I could see myself with him.. but you know- All this time, all this searching, and when I thought I'd ripped his heart out, I realized that was not the kind of growth I wanted to entertain. Not him. I never want to hurt him.. so why do I force myself away from him?
So yes. My eyes are opened and I am going to grow in my relationship, instead of bright shiny things, I love how I look to bright shiny things. It is my cycle. This seven year itch has found a scratch in the arms of the man I thought I'd killed last night. I thought I slaughtered him.. and do you know what?
He had patience, and forgiveness and love and compassion and all these things I hadn't felt because I couldn't, because I had forgotten ......... but I find if I believe I am worthy of that type of love, it is very easy to become deserving of it. He won't let me forget that I deserve it. I push him away for it, I don't know why. I always have.
Basically, I am so aware of my cycles. Our differences.. our foundation. I need to stop wandering and searching for something most would be happy eternally to have found.
I know this with every fibre of my being today.. Looking into his eyes and explaining something I never wanted to hurt him with.. and realizing why I never wanted to hurt him. This is real. Thank you for all your support. This is real.
I need to spend more time with him and less here.
You all understand this is my evolution.
I love you all. 
I feel so much better now that this has happened, though I thought i'd die. I was reborn in my love and in his.
I have issues. I really really do. But he won't let me leave, because he know I will be worse. I love that he won't let me find excuses for very long. I hate it and I love it.
I need to go to counselling. Myself. Find out why I have these patterns.
I never want to hurt him again.
I needed to to realize that.
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proxieme
Knowflake Posts: 5316
From: Southern 'Bama
Registered: Aug 2002
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posted October 07, 2005 05:20 PM
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FishKitten
Knowflake Posts: 989
From: beautiful, hidden mountain village, BC, Canada
Registered: Aug 2003
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posted October 07, 2005 05:27 PM
Good for you, Pix. Follow your heart no matter where it leads. There are very few men who would be willing to work it out after all that. They tend to be the good ones. Take care of yourselves.IP: Logged |
Sun_Scorpion
Knowflake Posts: 1579
From: UK
Registered: Aug 2003
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posted October 07, 2005 05:38 PM
Aww Pix!! Im so happy for you!  I dont know if this will help at all, but I found this interesting thing on the net, its like things to think about when your considering breaking up:1. Does the good outweigh the bad?
Make a list of all the things you like about your partner versus things that could doom the relationship. Don't just see which list is longer. Instead decide which items are most important on each list and determine if you can live with the negatives. 2. Will you achieve long-term happiness?
Picture yourself with this person one year from now, five years, ten years, fifty years. Do you foresee a future of happiness or constant heartache? 3. Is anybody else out there?
Consider colleagues, friends, acquaintances, anyone in your circle of contacts. Do you deep down prefer one of these people over your current partner? Do you value the chance to meet someone new over sticking it out? 4. Does your partner put you first?
Does he or she at least treat you equally? If not, you may be in for disappointment down the road. 5. Do you ultimately trust your partner?
If you have major character questions and trust issues, this is a clear indication that the relationship either needs major work or should be ended. I know thats not going to solve all the problems but it seems to pose some good questions dont you think!?
Lots of love to you! IP: Logged |
AcousticGod
Knowflake Posts: 3341
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005
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posted October 07, 2005 05:51 PM
Oh god, I've been a miniature version of your roller coaster today, as I'm sure we all have. As a guy having heard what revelations you had for us today I honestly felt like there is nothing more for me to trust in marriage. I thought of a song title I've seen: "Will Never Marry," and that's how I felt. While I know how I am, and how I endeavor to always work things out, I feel like I may also be the type that eventually leads a woman to look elsewhere, and I can totally see your situation happening to me, and the pain it would cause me. I know you hurt, but the betrayal of your loved one being tempted away is a really difficult hurt to deal with. I could only hurt with him while trying to understand you (as it sounds like he did).Let The Day Begin is playing on the radio. Maybe it's simple message is for you. Anyway, I'm glad you've decided to reconcile. I've always hated the typical finality that accompanies a break up. Doesn't seem right that a decision so important should be so severe especially where there's not abuse involved. I'm proud of you for allowing yourself to be open to reconciliation. Takes more guts and more real vision than being stubborn. I'm impressed, and I enjoy seeing that I can keep the faith. Much to you, Pix.
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- - *Cancels travel arrangements to Canada*  IP: Logged |
teaselbaby
Knowflake Posts: 532
From: Northeast Ohio
Registered: Sep 2002
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posted October 07, 2005 06:30 PM
to Pixie and family.IP: Logged |
fayte.m
Knowflake Posts: 2631
From:
Registered: Mar 2005
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posted October 07, 2005 06:39 PM
Pixie!
Best wishes to you! And yours! 
IP: Logged |
sue g
Knowflake Posts: 4104
From: ireland
Registered: Sep 2004
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posted October 07, 2005 08:38 PM
Much love to you and your darlings...... Love you girl...... Sue xxxx IP: Logged |
juniperb
Knowflake Posts: 5828
From: Big Dipper
Registered: Mar 2002
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posted October 07, 2005 10:32 PM
You are an Angel in disguise... and he Knows it!Blessings  ------------------
If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans. ~James Herriot IP: Logged |
Bluemoon
Knowflake Posts: 2317
From: Stafford, VA USA
Registered: Feb 2005
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posted October 08, 2005 12:02 AM
Only love and light to you, sweet pixie!!!IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 2126
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted October 08, 2005 12:03 AM
I wish I deserved that title... or I wish I felt I deserved that title.
Thank you all so much or the support.
Yes, indeed.. I feel connected to the other one.. but you know? Some things are worth sacrificing. My eyes are open, and the pain of knowing I'd irreparably hurt my husband and family, through my connection just makes me so sad, and even more exhausted than I have been.
I will miss his presence. He brought a lot of special things to life.
But this was my choice in life, and I see that it was a good choice.... and I either have to sink or swim.
*puts bathing suit on, grabs a flotation device.*IP: Logged |
proxieme
Knowflake Posts: 5316
From: Southern 'Bama
Registered: Aug 2002
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posted October 08, 2005 01:15 AM
*throws some water wings, flippers, and one of those swimsuits with floatation stuff embedded*  IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 2126
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted October 08, 2005 02:51 AM
Throw in a dinghy and I might just stop crying.A lifesaver would let me sleep finally. I've tried. IP: Logged |
sesame
Moderator Posts: 1062
From: Oz
Registered: Nov 2003
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posted October 08, 2005 06:18 AM
 Dean. IP: Logged |
Lialei
Knowflake Posts: 223
From:
Registered: Jul 2005
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posted October 08, 2005 11:03 AM
pixel, what a beautiful moment and happy for you that it seems you are both cherishing such a magical time with awareness of the opportunity of bringing you ever closer. In my case, I was fully aware of the potential of such a moment, but my husband was too wrapped in his ego and couldn't let it go. Resentments and bitterness was the path he chose to go and there was no attempts at any openness to reception or understanding.
I tormented with the decision for a long time...even saught therapy, not wanting to make a wrong choice. Over time, the longer I stayed, the more hostility grew from him, which accelerated to verbal abuse and controlling attempts at degredation. I knew, sadly, there was no other way but to leave, or I would be sacrificing my entire Self and everything I believed in. The only reason I give my story is to show you what could be in some cases, and to perhaps further enhance the cherish for him that it appears you already feel. For him to be so open to growing and learning and forgiving...is such a beautiful gift for both of you. Well wishes of Love. IP: Logged |
sue g
Knowflake Posts: 4104
From: ireland
Registered: Sep 2004
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posted October 08, 2005 11:19 AM
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Planet_Soul
Knowflake Posts: 495
From: The Universe
Registered: May 2005
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posted October 08, 2005 01:36 PM
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pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 2126
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted October 17, 2005 12:39 PM
This life happens.
observing like an alien
with dispassionate detatchment
the events of my life
the changing cycles I choose
but I really only listen to the signs.
When to take action...
I have learned forcing gives me a headspace that resembles cottage cheese
and you can't really force, just push something a little....
and see the momentum
and watch in wonder
as the movement takes you under
and above and all around
and the sound of a familiar voice leaves you little choice
but to embrace the logic
because there are no winners
there are only players
and logic tells you that sometimes the underdog wins
logic tells me
there are too many layers
to make anything like sense
icing clad layers. cherry coated.
Life happens, even if you blink.. but nothing really sneaks up and in
you see it coming but can see the signs as logic
talking you down from a ledge
even if you think it is fantasy
you can't delude reality
you can't fly in life, wings chapped, stripped and raw
but you can adapt and see the wonder in the day
even when the words never really go away
they are dormant but sneak in when it was a solid thing
hibernating bears always wake up in the spring
wings mend themselves if they aren't clipped
to bring
new lessons when they are folded against
bodies with the crisp scent of the air stirring
and purring in their chest
putting logic again to rest
and whirring like a sky dancer who remembered her laces
and how to tie them
against theives and clouds
for long hard flights
and remembered faces
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Philbird
Moderator Posts: 3079
From: Here, there and everywhere.
Registered: Jun 2004
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posted October 25, 2005 03:29 PM
Ohhhh Pix, I didn't know... my heart goes out to you.
I relate to your experience in this way...Time passes, you hold on
because you hate the guilt
and you hate yourself for feeling guilty
because feeling guilty means "you are selfish."
More time passes and your needs aren't being met.
More hate. Toward yourself and those involved.
You struggle to hold on for your children's sake.
Then you start to loath them because they are making you feel guilty.
It's too much.
Hating yourself so long.
You "attempt suicide."
You are unsuccesful, but now you see the world a new because you allowed the "release" of self hatred
and realize no one expected what you thought they expected of you in the first place.
IP: Logged | |
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