posted March 10, 2010 05:53 PM         

I think she'll screw him over. She's a baby. She won't stay with him forever. Men are so naive about younger women. I feel sorry for them, because they usually end up getting really screwed.The girl is usually too young and immature to really be a good partner. Of course there are exceptions to this, but it's very rare.

He's probably going through a midlife crisis and she probably has daddy issues. Their relationship will last as long as those two things are in operation.

posted March 10, 2010 06:01 PM         

This guy is a tool, for reasons I won't ever get into here on LL as it is a sensitive subject and people take things personally on such subjects.

but I will say:

I agree with Diana's points and especially, re: MVM and amowls*' posts
amowls makes an excellent point re: blaming things on biology when there are greater and/or more logical causes for certain actions.

posted March 10, 2010 06:09 PM         

At any rate, he was paying her bills, and paying for her child by another guy, and the only reason he could give me was that she was more "fun", she liked fishing and country music, which I hate, and made him feel young.

Starkiss has a point. This girl dumped my kids Dad for another man, younger, with more money, you know a sugar Daddy with a bigger wallet.

Then he came back home crying. I still haven't gotten completely rid of him, sometimes I WISH he would of married her.

So, even though it hurts like hell, you deserve someone who you can grow old WITH, not worry about having a midlife crisis, and baling on you. Truth is, this is NOT about you, this is about him, and HIS feelings of inadequacy, trust me there.

posted March 10, 2010 06:11 PM         

I understand you are upset right now GemGemGem. I am sorry you have to deal with this guy and his thoughtless behavior.

But...

I have a touch of a problem with you emphasizing the age gap. And with a couple of other people emphasizing the age gap.

The fact that he is an irresponsible person and not capable of living up to being a real father.. is not connected to his new marriage or to her age.

This is the way he was with you and towards his daughter, before he met her. He just seems like a very immature person.

Perhaps this particular 21 year old is also a very immature person (just like him - regardless of age)... or perhaps he has actually changed (but I can't see that.. since he still doesn't see his daughter).

That does not mean that all older men dating younger women or older women dating younger men are in the same boat.

Cpn said:

quote:

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man, the last thing i wanted at 21 was a 37 year old man. did not find them attractive at all.

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Gem, you said:

quote:

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when I was 21 yrs old, I would never even glance at a man in his late twenties, let alone a man in his late 30's! he's almost 40.

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I think there is a difference here between *theory* and reality.

You are both saying "in theory" - that you'd never glance at "a" man that age..

What if you met a man who you fell in love with - not KNOWING his age.. and then found out he was actually a lot older?

Because for me this has no connection to his age. I did not set out pro or against "older men".

I simply MET a guy. He loves me and I love him.. and he happens to be older..

So what?

I would be a superficial mindless fool to give up on our relationship because he is older. I don't have rocks in my head.

amowls,

quote:

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You think women are attracted to balding, beer-gutted old men?

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lol Mine looks like casey affleck.. and they have similar charts. casey affleck is younger than him but they look the same age.

I am not personally attracted to his ^ looks.
I find them boyish.. but in the context of his personality I feel very attracted to him regardless.

I'm mentioning this because looks and age don't really go hand in hand. I know men my age who have a beer gut.

But I do agree with the message of your post - in reply to what S said..
I think it's just as normal really for anyone - male or female - to date someone younger.
I don't think the age should be an issue if the people find it easy to bridge the gap.

____

A couple of people also commented on maturity level and experience.

Some people have more negative life experiences by the age of 20 then other have by the age of 70.
I'm saying *negative* because I feel these were the ones that have shaped my maturity-level most.
I mean I know people who are 40-something and they've never had anyone close to them die. They've never had a surgery. They've never been in a bad financial situations or felt betrayed by life in general. Things have been going quite OK overall with slip ups here and there - it happens!

Other times age and maturity are related..

But that's not always the case.

GemGemGem - with your ex husband my best guess is that they are *both* immature people.. and that as someone else mentioned - this relationship will dissolve.

posted March 10, 2010 06:20 PM         

The guy I'm talking about has three kids. He has a great job so he has the money to support his kids and he sees them frequently and has a good relationship with them.

Also - very contrary to Sanchenuss' post - he does not want to "start over" - He has no desire to have kids with me.. and neither do I.

I would never in a million years expect his money to extend to me considering *3 kids*.. for obvious reasons.

Besides we're both rather earthy people and we're more likely to *save*, then spend.

I understand your frustration with that woman.. but I don't like the way people are extending it to *everyone*.

Are you saying that money grabbers who are the "same" age - don't exist?
It's only younger women out looking for sugar-daddys?

posted March 10, 2010 07:33 PM         

quote:

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women are very cunning and can get a man to become emotionally invested in them

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quote:

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but like I said, there is no way of knowing what this woman is capable of doing to his mind and emotions.

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So, again, the man has zero responsibility when it comes to his own actions - choosing to emotionally invest in a beautiful young woman, when he's horny. Gotcha.

posted March 10, 2010 07:34 PM         

I knew this guy for 2 years through work. We saw each other very often for that reason and because the type OF work involved - we discussed many topics that we are both interested in. We have a lot in common mentally. Our minds are in perfect sink. I see him as intelligent and so does he.

From that it slowly turned into something more personal and we also discussed our lives. We STILL have not had sex to this day.

We've only just begun being romantic.. and we've kissed but nothing sexual yet.

First and foremost we are extremely good friends. I have never had a closer male friend.. and I trust him with all my mind and all my heart.

posted March 10, 2010 07:35 PM         

quote:

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choosing to emotionally invest in a beautiful young woman

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He is beautiful himself, from my perspective.

posted March 10, 2010 07:42 PM         

Because the older person is very often put down.. like they are beneath the younger person looks-wise or in some other way.

posted March 10, 2010 08:01 PM         

quote:

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I think she'll screw him over.

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posted March 10, 2010 08:16 PM         

GemGem, I think it sucks this has happened to you, though I am more annoyed that he doesn't see his daughter or contribute. That would **** me off more, it eclipses the other stuff.
If he's marrying another woman, then he's marrying another woman. I don't really see the age thing as something spectacular. Who are we to judge? When I'm single I like to mess around with men who are a lot younger, and I tend to attract them. When I was 21 I was not interested in relationships but was dating a 38 year-old man, and then later a 41 year-old *woman* for a stint. I've remained friends with both.

If your ex has found happiness with someone else, then maybe it will make him 'wise up' and grow up. Maybe this younger woman is a good person, maybe she will eventually urge him to mend his relationship with your daughter. Maybe she is a bridge for that. Maybe not, but you never know. I think it's really unfair to just say that he can't find happiness with someone else. Why not? Because he's been a dick? He may have issues, and maybe this relationship will help him somehow. Or maybe he will redeem himself. You never know! As long as he doesn't parade the woman out there before you smugly and try and make her mommy to your daughter very quickly, then let him be. The best revenge is to live well, so do it. Live well.

My ex-husband managed to be simultaneously boring as well as manipulative. I still wish he'd find someone who would live up to his perfectionist's standards though. Just to see how good he had it with me. He knows it too.
I don't care who he finds happiness with - 21 or 81 - as long as he is happy and no longer a miserable ******* .

I think your ex is a jerk simply for the daughter thing alone. That in my book is dickish behavior, it stands alone.

posted March 10, 2010 09:31 PM         

My heart goes out to you because I could relate to your situation in many ways. MVM is right, the best revenge is to live well & focus on your life rather than your grief over him. If you cant change others, you could only change yourself. At the end of the day, we all have to go our own separate soul path. It's hard but we need to detach our expectations/desires from other people's journey. If we look at this in a positive light,...we could be grateful that he weeded himself out of your life for good. Things could always be worse. Instead of simply ditching your daughter, he could be there but in very negative ways & cause her physical/mental trauma.

I understand from conventional thinking, 21 & 37 might seem ridiculous. However Mermaid made a really good point about the Age of Aquarius. In the last few years I've noticed that phenomena happening too. Since I was 16 & in general, I was only attracted to men around my age to 10yrs older at most. However the last few years, men who were much younger to 40yrs older have been pursuing me. In almost all cases, (especially the ones who really stood out) have SN/karmic past life links with me...probably the real reason that drew us together. It's beyond coincidences to me at this point. I have been attracted to few of those cases despite huuge age gaps. In conclusion, does that make me attracted to 40-60yr olds in general?? The answer is still no, & I still stick with my 10yr older age range. However, I'm totally open to other age ranges now as opposed to the me few years ago. As long as I feel attracted to that person. *shrug*