posted August 09, 2010 10:00 PM         

Very Interesting. Not all those squares are necessarily bad, right?

We did not "have to" get married in the sense we were already pregnant or already had a child, our first child was conceived 9 months AFTER our wedding day. We were, however, sleeping together, so in a conservative evangelical, southern baptist culture, that was SIN and we needed to either stop having sex or get married.

Now due to my Scorpio Mars (as I now see it), turning celibate was hardly an option I considered for long. Certainly not with him, our passions for one another were too intense - I knew we needed to either break up or get married. Trying to go back to holding hands was not going to work - we'd never done the holding hands bit, I became a born-again AFTER he and I met.

I'd never been in love before and didn't recognize how unhealthy of a love affair he and I had - I didn't have good models of healthy, loving parents growing up. My dad was an alcoholic, not the violent type, but passive aggressive and then he had an affair and simply left - this was my senior year of high school.

My mom and I didn't get along AT ALL, so I moved in with my dad in January of my senior year and then moved out from under either parent's roof the week after I graduated from high school. I swore I'd never live "at home" (with my parents) again - and I've kept that promise to myself to this day (I'm 41.)

Basically, I was yearning for a "home", for "family" - so I got married.

I also didn't feel lovable my entire life. I was the outcast in school in my small town growing up, probably due to the mercury square which cause me to put my foot in my mouth, and then the intense shame and self-consciousness which ensued... I did not know how to conduct myself socially for the most part.

I always felt like a social misfit. The fact someone proclaimed to love me (never mind how he treated me) was simply amazing to me. And marriage, by it's very nature, tells the world that you are lovable... so I believe I got married, SUBCONSCIOUSLY, I think, to prove to the world that I'm lovable.

There was a fear, deep inside me, that I'd never find anyone to love me again... I feared if I turned my back on this love because I was "too young to get married" then I'd end up 30 with no marriage prospects (a girl from my prayer group had had a 30th birthday party and that left an impression on me.)

I think the strong passion, the mind-blowing sex (I'd never before had good sex, and that he did do well) and the fact he told me he loved me kinda put me under a spell.

Love is blind... I didn't see how poorly he treated me, or talked to me, because my family of origin had treated me in the same manner, talked down to me in the same manner. So had my classmates in school. I did not have a supportive, loving, environment either at home or at school and so when I got out in the world I never really trusted my friends, nor did I value my friends - they were all more so acquaintances to me (in retrospect) because the few times I'd had close friends they had turned on me... so I didn't trust people. But here this person said he loved me AND he agreed to stand before the world and proclaim that he loved me in a marriage ceremony.

I still recall where I was when an "inner voice" told me to back out of the wedding plans - after the invitations had been sent. I remembered my mom always saying to me, "you never finish anything you start" and I was more embarrassed to back out than afraid to go through with the marriage plans... so I went through with the marriage plans.

*GREAT BIG SIGH*

In the early years of our marriage I actually called the shots and he followed suit, and then later, after he told me he didn't love me and wanted a divorce, I totally did a 180 and submitted to his every whim - and he treated me like a doormat. And I let him... I was so, so, so afraid of the world knowing that I was "unlovable"... this was right after my youngest child was born, 2000...

I've come a LONG WAY BABY !!!!

posted August 09, 2010 10:14 PM         

I just edited some of what I wrote, added more detail...

<<<HUGS>>> & THANK YOU.

What doesn't break you makes you stronger... writing all this shows me how far I've come. Other than dropping my $500 cell phone in the kitchen sink, I've had a good day... I'm in a good place today... but need to figure out what to do about my phone, so if you'll excuse me.

Thank you for helping me to better understand me.

I really do feel like, because of my self-doubting aspects, I'd do better in life in an authentic, loving, supportive marriage partnership. Some people are good being alone, I honestly don't think I'm one of those people. I can get in too much of a funk mood if I do not surround myself with positive, loving people. I do yearn to love again... an authentic, uplifting, love.

posted August 09, 2010 10:26 PM         

As I read all this, I now am at a place in my life where not much will knock me off course. I can have a zillion things thrown at me at once, and I'm handling my business despite it all. Now inside I'm still in a panic, but the world doesn't necessarily see this panic.

I've been taking courses in "personal empowerment" through a professional development program and it talks about recognizing and regulating our emotions to remain in "power mode" rather than allowing ourselves to slip into "weak mode." No one is in "power mode" all the time, but the more often I can recognize where I am and get myself into "power mode", the better.

It's a growing process... but what knocked me down and out previously can barely cause me to skip a beat now.

All this to say...

I want to believe our bodies our bodies, our psychic, using the pain to build scaffolding which we can stand upon to reach higher and higher levels of personal satisfaction and achievement.

If you read biographies you will find many of the people who have reached the greatest achievements have overcome incredible odds and slayed many a dragon along the path to success.

Then there are those whose lives are tragedies from the first scene to the last...

My life is somewhat of a tragic comedy, which will end on a happy, inspiring, note... or so I'd like to think.

posted August 09, 2010 10:30 PM         

x o x
Ami
PS Was just thinking of your question about squares.Squares are obstacles, tensions, frustrations :energy that is hard to resolve.
They are good,sometimes cuz they can be bring passion/tension.
Too many would not be good, I don't think. It would be continual frustration.
I would want some in a male/female relationship or it could feel like brother/sister lol
Oppositions are easier cuz you can go back and forth between the different energies more easily.
Maybe oppositions are like "Should I have Chinese or Italian food,today?
A square would be "I hate Chinese and love Italian but maybe I can go to the Chinese restaurant with you cuz you like it and just drink tea ."
Anyone feel free to correct or add to the food analogy lol
DD--are you out there? What do you think? lol

------------------
Talk softly but carry a big stick.

posted August 10, 2010 05:19 PM         

that's good. real good.