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Author
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Topic: How to tell someone it's over and make sure they understand...
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GypseeWind
Moderator Posts: 4117
From: Dayton,Ohio USA
Registered: May 2009
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posted October 06, 2010 11:10 AM
 
Sadly, I honestly can't see him going.
If he was sober for a consistant amount of time, maybe, but whenever he drinks he is going to revert back to the same behaviour.I've seen people stay and stay and stay in situations that are intolerable even to THEM, and in some part of his mind, he's probably not happy either. But change is not really a man's forte.
He knows the routine, and it's comfortable to him, the knowing of it, that is. If I were you, I'de sell off my things (they are just things, in the long run, and you can acquire more) or put them in a storage, and take your baby and camp out at your parents. Any bit of discomfort you may suffer there has got to be better than what you go through at home. When you leave, the lease will be up to him to fulfill, and pay for.
Sign yourself off, so you have no debts to the owners. Just go, and you'll be surprised how fast you get your life together without this giant cross on your back. The courts are there to settle child support and visitations. Let them do their job.
But you should heed the police warning, 'there is nothing we can do until something bad happens'
and that's what will happen if you don't go.
Sorry for your situation, but I believe you have the strength to change it.  IP: Logged |
bunnies
Knowflake Posts: 260
From: u.k
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted October 06, 2010 11:27 AM
Couldn't put it better Gypsee  IP: Logged |
nigel
Knowflake Posts: 44
From: Ontario, Canada
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted October 06, 2010 01:45 PM
I can tell you're an honest person so this option probably won't appeal to you. But here's what I think from a non-astrological point of view:As soon as I read that he was abusing you (emotionally or otherwise) that was a red flag for me. If the authorities are telling you the only way to get him out is if he commits a crime (which doesn't include emotional abuse) then maybe you need to tell the authorities he physically abused you. Even if it's just to get a restraining order on him and get him out of your life for the time being, it might be your only option. Once he's legally not allowed to be near you you can work on finding a new place to live and start over. It sounds harsh I guess but you really have to look after yourself in this situation. Having someone like that in your life (and your child's life) is not worth it. If you're really concerned about your baby, look at it from the baby's perspective. Wouldn't you rather be fatherless than have an abuse alcoholic father controlling your mother's life? Anyway, that's what I think. I wish you the best. Be strong! IP: Logged |
Aya_and_baby
Knowflake Posts: 402
From: Space (and sometimes Antwerp)
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted October 06, 2010 04:50 PM
Gypsee - I wouldn't mind selling off things, if not so many things in my place are the result of my own creative whims. I wouldn't sell my desk for the world, for example... I wouldn't be too happy about selling my bed since that means I'd forget about buying one for the next half year again and sleep on the floor. And I certainly won't sell all the baby stuff we have: most of them are gifts and I never get rid of gifts. Not to mention my musical instruments, I wouldn't sell them for the world.Which doesn't leave much to sell, really. That's why I said it would just make more sense if he left. If I do end up selling things, it won't make much of a difference. And storage is so expensive here lately. The best I can do storage wise is get another apartment and just move the stuff from one place to another. Not to mention that if I do leave all my stuff here and I move in with my parents, there's no saying whether or not he'll smash all my stuff to bits. And since I don't have a lot of money, replacing all of it will be impossible, and a lot of things here are of too much value to me. He did say today that he's sorry and will look for a new apartment, but it's like you said. He likes his routine. I doubt he'll go through with it, but I'm sure that after less than 5 actual days we talked to each other in the last two months, he is starting to realise that it's never going to work out again between the two of us. If he still doesn't then he really is too stubborn for his own good.
Nigel, I do appreciate the idea, but there is no way I'll ever do that. I had the chance before, but I just can't lie. It's against my principles.
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Quinnie
Knowflake Posts: 553
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted October 06, 2010 04:59 PM
Involve the family, especially his mum...that will do it...IP: Logged |
Aya_and_baby
Knowflake Posts: 402
From: Space (and sometimes Antwerp)
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted October 06, 2010 05:00 PM
Quinnie - already have. The problem there is that they are all in another country. But they realised something was up with him already, they're not blind. But he has another brother and sister who are just as problematic... 3 out of 8 children that create so much trouble, I can imagine it's a lot for them.I've involved my own family as well, but he doesn't listen to them. ------------------
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Quinnie
Knowflake Posts: 553
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted October 06, 2010 05:05 PM
Then get him arrested... he is not going to move unless his family or some other force of authority moves him. I completely understand this situation.IP: Logged |
Aya_and_baby
Knowflake Posts: 402
From: Space (and sometimes Antwerp)
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted October 06, 2010 06:00 PM
I can't get him arrested because he's not breaking the law. He's not physically abusing me, but emotional abuse is just as bad, just not against the law.------------------
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Ami Anne
Knowflake Posts: 1641
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted October 06, 2010 06:52 PM
Just sending warm thoughts your way ,Aya  ------------------
Pluto conjunct Dejanira, Girlfriend. IP: Logged |
DepTaurus
Knowflake Posts: 1056
From: canada
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted October 06, 2010 07:14 PM
Aya_and_baby first let me say im very sorry that your going threw something like this nobody should be going threw anything like you are.i agree with what peri said how he just doent want to understand because he likes the way things are. if you really want it too be done and over with.i think your gunna have to really make him see that your serious. maybe it would be best to move in with your parents or with firends. because when we want to change something in our lives we have to take a big leap and just do it. it might be hard and scarey at first but if you really wantit to be over be really ready to take a risk and a chance. make the first move and let him know its done. if you find that you cant do anything like that how about some counselling for his alcholism. have you talked to him about that. does he even think of himself as having a drinking problem. because maybe it could help him out. i hope whatever you do that it turns out ok for you. my heart goes out to you and ill be praying for you. IP: Logged |
dysfunctionalmystic
Knowflake Posts: 16
From:
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted October 07, 2010 05:50 AM
Any of the following should helpTell him you're not in love with him
Stop sleeping in the same bed
Tell him he has a month to find somewhere else to live
Don't wash his pants
Tell him you need "space" and suggest living apart for a while then once he's out it's easier to reinforce boundaries.
Accept there are no nice breakups - but things can settle very quickly, you're not doing yourself any favours by dragging this out. It just took me 5 months to get rid of my ex and another 3 after that for him to realise there was no coming back and my one regret is that I didn't do all of the above sooner, i tried everything to keep it sweet....big mistake...they think you're just having a hormonal interlude. Get serious with him. IP: Logged |
kama
Knowflake Posts: 32
From:
Registered: Jul 2010
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posted October 07, 2010 10:03 AM
Dear Aya,
I once went through a similar experience and I really do know what you are going throu.
The man I was with went with me to see a doctor (who was a friend of ours) and that friend said to me that if I do not stop mothering him (that means being reliable and forgiving and caring etc whatever happens), he will never stop drinking. It was very hard for me to understand, that all the reasons and excuses I had for not leaving him and kicking him out of my life were signs of co-dependency. We get so used to the addicted person that we change and adapt our own behaviour.
If I may give you an advice, I would suggest you join a group of codependent relatives of alcoholics or drug addicts to be able to work on issues like the feeling of responsability towards your child and your man - not towards yourself, because you are suffering. It helps you to find enough self-esteem to make a next, hard step, to free yourself from that situation that is ruining your health and hurting you without end.
Dear Aya, I wish you all the best and Courage!!!!
kama
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Aya_and_baby
Knowflake Posts: 402
From: Space (and sometimes Antwerp)
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted October 07, 2010 02:01 PM
dysfuncional:done that
done that
done that
won't do that because I don't like dirty laundry lying around
done that
done that, but I still want it to go as nice as possible None of the above helped...  DepTaurus: thank you  kama: thank you ------------------
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dysfunctionalmystic
Knowflake Posts: 16
From:
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted October 07, 2010 02:47 PM
Aya
You are not helping him by mothering him, maybe you should look at what pay offs you are getting for having him around? You either want your life back or you don't, I'll re check your chart and see what/if any separation transits you can use.
Maybe you need to look at the situation differently? What are you ultimately afraid of by laying down the final goodbye? Maybe you need to let go of the need for control around how this all plays out, he's gonna be upset if you kick him out but you're gonna suffer soul death if you don't.IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Knowflake Posts: 1641
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted October 07, 2010 02:51 PM
The "not wash the pants" cracks me up
What if the guy doesn't care  ------------------
Pluto conjunct Dejanira, Girlfriend. IP: Logged |
dysfunctionalmystic
Knowflake Posts: 16
From:
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted October 07, 2010 03:08 PM
men only hang around women if they are getting something out of it,
it's a fact that housework and childcare are the two biggest battlegrounds in the home, recent studies show men who pull their weight have better marriages that are happier and last longer, i wrote an article on washing machines and men that is inappropriate to post here but there is a big connection between those who never do any and satisfaction for the woman.. ;-)aya - you both have moon chiron conjunctions, not an easy one at all, you both have dysfunctional patterns around mothering, (I have it myself so not sat in judgement here) he currently has saturn at his natal pluto which is a classic indicator of a life change, if you don't get him out soon it could be when saturn goes into scorp which is 2012, I think if he was gonna change his life he'd have done it by now, you're a scorpio with a cappie mars?? Where's it gone? Your energy and power that is.... IP: Logged |
Aya_and_baby
Knowflake Posts: 402
From: Space (and sometimes Antwerp)
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted October 07, 2010 03:22 PM
dysfunctional: trust me, you'll see that cappie mars when he's drunk and we're in an argument. And the scorpio sun as well. Or should I say the pluto square mars?He knows how to push the right buttons to get me ****** off, and when he's doing it it seems like he's enjoying it, but he's obviously shocked when he sees how monstrous I can become when I explode. When I say "I pushed him out of the door", I mean it... literally. When you know that he actually tried to physically abuse me once, the only reason why it stayed with that once is because I fought back, and not just in a vague attempt. Apparently he was left with a few bruizes and a bruized rib  But then again, so was I.
I don't know why he still hangs around realy. The only thing he's getting out of me is his laundry done. And I only do that because I really hate the sight of dirty laundry around. I'm pretty neurotic about that, it's certainly not for his benefit. Of course, he might not see it that way...
With everything else, I just leave him to his own devices. Is he in trouble? His fault, his problem. Not mine.
Anyway, about that Saturn... Maybe I have to mention that on numerous occasions he threatened to have me killed (one of the reasons I didn't just kick him out right away). I just don't know if it's the musings of a drunkard or if he actually means it. Just imagine when I do get him out and he gets drunk and in an emotional mood he finds the wrong person who suggests to him that they could do it for him... I'd be pretty much ****** then. He'll happily agree to it at that point because when he's drunk, he doesn't realise the actual consequences. It sounds like (maybe I'm expecting the worst here) that saturn conjunct pluto in my chart could indicate such an event. And it's usually such simple things like me breaking up with him that can create such a butterfly effect.
That's another reason why I want to do this as friendly as possible.
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Lonake
Knowflake Posts: 2045
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted October 07, 2010 03:25 PM
Well, you sure chose to learn your lesson the hard way.
Good luckIP: Logged |
Aya_and_baby
Knowflake Posts: 402
From: Space (and sometimes Antwerp)
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted October 07, 2010 03:40 PM
I should have ran far away when I first met him... very far away.------------------
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Lonake
Knowflake Posts: 2045
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted October 07, 2010 04:00 PM
You must be stubborn like me, lol.
Stubborn people learn things the hard way.IP: Logged |
Aya_and_baby
Knowflake Posts: 402
From: Space (and sometimes Antwerp)
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted October 07, 2010 04:37 PM
Not really stubborn, actually... I was just under the illusion that I could get him off drink. Now I'm stuck with him and can't get rid of him.------------------
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dysfunctionalmystic
Knowflake Posts: 16
From:
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted October 07, 2010 04:41 PM
I do understand, a long time ago I had to leave everything behind (including friends and family) when i left a violent partner, I had 2 kids, aged 2 years and the other 10 weeks old when i left, we ended up in a ****** room for a year and a half until i could get re-housed, the one before that had been in my name and the furniture was mine but i walked away, I had to move many miles away to be safe...I lost everything, I was 19 and on my own but I still did it because it had got to the point where i had no choice, i was dying inside. You are obviously not at the end of your martyrdom with this man but when you are - you will do what needs to be done.we have a venus retrograde upon us - he may accept it is over during this time...i hope he does. you could try witchcraft or voodoo or call up the banshees or try burning black candles to bring maximum truth and integrity to the situation.
I think you are looking for a rational way to deal with an irrational man, that moon of his is highly stressed but what puzzles me is neither of you have issues with letting go - not really, moon opp uranus does that for you, go through your charts...find where it is that you cling, mentally start cutting the ties, stop giving him energy on a psychic level, he will only go when there is nothing left to gain.
best of luck to you aya, not a nice experience for you at all. IP: Logged |
Ami Anne
Knowflake Posts: 1641
From: Pluto/house next to NickiG
Registered: Sep 2010
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posted October 07, 2010 04:42 PM
Dear Aya
I am not saying what to DO or not to do. I have the feeling that after you go on a windy road and he does too--it will NOT be over.
It feels good to me--after a difficult interim time.
Often, if the woman goes to Al--Anon and learns various ways to cope, the man gives up drinking. I have seen it happen with many people. Just a thought. ------------------
Pluto conjunct Dejanira, Girlfriend. IP: Logged |
Lonake
Knowflake Posts: 2045
From:
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted October 08, 2010 02:47 AM
Sun conj Saturn in Scorpio & you're not stubborn? 
I respectfully disagree. Emotionally however you are quite changeable, Moon and Asc are mutable, however you are the Sun.
...Sun conj Saturn in h12 in scorp, to me this sounds like him, as in he's living out that conjunction for you.
Do you see that?IP: Logged |
Aya_and_baby
Knowflake Posts: 402
From: Space (and sometimes Antwerp)
Registered: Apr 2009
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posted October 08, 2010 12:35 PM
Well I really am not stubborn by nature - but then again, no matter if I say it, it could still convince others that I am because I'm stubbornly sticking to saying that I'm not. So either way, I lose 
He certainly is living out something that has to do with being stubborn, but I always thought it was just his Scorpio rising.
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