posted October 05, 2010 04:53 PM         

Here's an idea of how hard he is to live with:

He's an alcoholic. Any excuse to go for a drink is good enough. He often forges his own excuses if he needs to, by acting moody. He's easily annoyed, too. No matter what I do, he'll get moody over some little thing (yesterday he got annoyed because I was sick in bed and he had to look after our baby and do everything I did). He tries to start fights, he's selfish, he's lazy around the house and his excuse is because he works full-time (although he finds looking after a baby is hard enough and I do that 7/7, so I don't work hard?), he thinks it's okay to emotionally (and sometimes physically) abuse me - by calling me a slag, telling me that I'm a "pagan" (really...) and that I never talk to his family (while he is the one who kept me away from them) - as long as he says nothing but good about me to his friends. He lies to me and makes up things to support the idea that he has of me.

The only reason why I forgave him before is because I have a kind heart and I try to see the good in everyone, but it has come to the stage that I can't see anything good in him anymore.

The problem is, when we argue and I tell him it's over, no matter how I say it, he simply does not understand, or wants to understand that I seriously want him out of the house. When he sobers up he apologises for his behaviour, but it has gone way too far now. I'm a forgiving soul, but I just can't forgive him anymore - I'm not that much of an idiot and I'm not going to stay with him for the sake of our baby if that's going to make me unhappy. Babies pick up on that as well.

So how can I tell him it's over in a way that he understands and doesn't make a fuss about it? I've seriously tried EVERYTHING that I know of!

If there's anything else you like to share on the basis of our charts, feel free to do so!

His chart:

Mine (if you want to see it ):

Our composite chart:

posted October 05, 2010 05:16 PM         

I tried everything, even single-handedly pushing him out the door and not letting him back in. Probably what I shouldn't have done is drag him back in because he was asleep outside the door and this neighbourhood isn't the nicest; they'd have robbed him blind.

posted October 05, 2010 05:38 PM         

Changing the locks wouldn't be too bad, but I think it's a bit sneaky because I'll have to do it while he's away. Getting a restraining order is too final although it has been playing in my mind for a while. I am looking for more peaceful options in the mean time.

posted October 05, 2010 06:41 PM         

Now I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me, and I'm sure that's why he wants to avoid the subject, but enough really is enough and I don't think all the love in the world can repair the damage he's done with his behaviour.

It gets worse sometimes, even when he's sober and I want to bring up the subject again, he's convinced I've found someone else and that I just want to get rid of him...

Diana: oops! I just noticed I put up the synastry instead of the composite!

I'll see if I can find it again!

posted October 05, 2010 07:12 PM         

We do have Al-Anon here, but you have to go there voluntarily, and that's where the problem lies. He won't admit, ever, that he is an alcoholic. He got it into his head that it is his God-given right to drink as much alcohol as he wants, because... he's Irish, and he's supposed to be able to handle the drink. The truth is that he can't handle it, but he's too proud (or stubborn) to admit it.

I know that is the core problem, but in all fairness I'm not going to push myself and my son back because his highness has an alcohol problem. I don't want to suffer from it and neither do I want our son to suffer from it, so as long as he remains an alcoholic, the best thing to do is to break up. He will have to solve his alcohol problem on his own then, I've seriously tried my best, short of slipping anti-alcohol medication in his food or drink so that drinking alcohol would make him sick.

I think he's been overprotected by his family too much; they were always there to help him out of anything he'd worked himself into, so now he doesn't know that any action he undertakes has a consequence. I don't really care anymore how cruel it is, but if it takes a break-up to make him see that his actions do have consequences, then so be it.

I do want to seperate under friendly conditions but at the moment my hatred for him is too great. Even after a break-up I don't think there will be any chance of him and me being together again. I just don't love him anymore. As much as I hate to say this, I just don't anymore. And when you realise you don't love someone, then what's the point in going on with that relationship?

The synastry is good enough, considering (his mars does oppose my venus and my pluto is conjunct his rising, not very good aspects there), but I don't think even that can help me. That being said, good synastry doesn't necessarily mean a good relationship. I had great synastry with someone once, but he physically abused me out of his personal frustration. After I broke up with him he did apologise and said he'd never do it again but that was it for me. Despite the great synastry. We're still friends now, though, but he knows it's never going to happen again and he also knows why.

With my current partner, I know there's a baby involved and then there are the core issues. About the core issues, no matter how much he wants to make me believe they're down to me, I'm fully convinced that there's something wrong with him mentally and that he's taking it out on me. I don't want me, or our baby be the victim of that.

The chance of this working out again is zero. But I want to make him see why that chance is nonexistent and understand that this has to happen, for all our well-beings.

There are plenty of children with separated parents who fare almost as good as children with happily married parents, but I doubt our son will fare well if he sees how unhappy his mother is now. And what kind of an example does that set for him? It's okay to drink as much as you want and mentally abuse your wife; she's going to stay with you anyway.

posted October 05, 2010 07:30 PM         

Either way, I've tried my best and even if I do follow such a programme (I do believe they have such programmes around) it still won't make me love him again.

I am definitely going to try it, though.

posted October 05, 2010 07:31 PM         

My Grandparents stayed married their whole entire lives, and my G/pa was a horrible alcoholic. I mean, he was violent, and destructive, and just... everything.
I lived with them, I know what she went through.

Same thing, he would never get help, or even admit there was a problem.
My Gran was Catholic and there was no convincing her of divorce, of course, this was years ago.

Anyway, she suffered, their kids suffered, and US grandkids suffered.
It's like a never ending cycle.
His father was an alcoholic too, and even though he KNEW what it felt like, he went and did it anyway.

The longer someone is an addict, the harder it will be for him to change. Your bf is a fixed person anyway, so his behavior is likely NOT going to change unless something drastic changes it, like health issues, or you leaving him.

But, I guess even if he did change, you said you don't love him anymore, right?
So, what would motivate him to change then?

posted October 05, 2010 08:47 PM         

But still, I really need to do this for my own safety, and I really won't go back to someone I don't love. The man terrifies me, and I won't spend the rest of my life in a dictatorship.

I certainly won't slip those pills into his food or drink. I'd have to be seriously desperate to do that, God knows what that could do to his health - he'll just keep on drinking if he gets sick or feels his heart racing a million miles per second. He just doesn't care, really.

Lonake: the delusion on my part was probably in that I really believed I could get him off his addiction.

I don't think the synastry is that good either, but I'm probably more focused on the Masr/Venus opposition. That to me spells someone who forcibly opposed all that I love and what I stand for, which sounds about right in our relationship. He doesn't hide the fact that he despices the fact that I read, write, love astrology, and have hobbies that he can make head nor tail of. He sees it as a frontal attack on his personality and gets so easily offended by it, that I have to pretend I'm someone else altogether, at least concerning my hobbies and my interests, that I just don't feel at home in this relationship anymore. That is one of the many reasons why I don't see this relationship working in the long term at all.

If I do want the famly security, it's probably very unconsciously because I don't consciously feel that urge at all. True, I do want a man who is less emotional or irrational, someone that I can rely on and won't change his mind from one minute to the next, and most importantly who doesn't get insulted easily, but that's partly just common sense, isn't it? And probably something I'll never get, as well.

There is a stand-off right now between the two of us, and I've made my terms pretty clear: "Get off the alcohol for good." I am not stepping off of those terms, but in my humble opinion they don't seem too difficult. And I know it's the only way - if there's anything left to save - to salvage this relationship. I don't know what his terms are, but he certainly doesn't hide the fact that he is not going to get off the drink any day soon. I honestly don't think I love him enough anymore to make it work at all.

posted October 06, 2010 12:24 AM         

If this guy is PHYSICALLY and EMOTIONALLY abusive - you simply must leave.

You can't just tell him you will leave.

You need to pack your bags and *leave*.
And I am sure that he will get the message once you are no longer there.

I think this will be a blow - He might go through a phase of anger/depression and so forth - but he will come to his senses and understand your decision once it's final.
A divorce is always difficult. I'm not sure if you are married or de facto - but it will still be a while before things are completely settled between you and you can move on.

Obviously your child will always be a part of both of your lives - unless you are against this and fight him.
But unless he was abusive TOWARDs the child - I wouldn't think it would be a good idea to completely erase his dad out of his life.

It is a huge decision and it takes a brave person to make this decision.
You sound like you are at a point where you've truly had enough - I think it is best that you leave.

posted October 06, 2010 01:40 AM         

quote:

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But still, I really need to do this for my own safety, and I really won't go back to someone I don't love.

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quote:

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That to me spells someone who forcibly opposed all that I love and what I stand for

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quote:

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He sees it as a frontal attack on his personality and gets so easily offended by it

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posted October 06, 2010 08:05 AM         

Trust me, if it was that easy or if we didn't have a baby, I would have been gone by now. I did take him back before because I always give people the benifit of the doubt; I honestly thought it would get better. Right now, since a few months, I'm past that point, but I just can't see any way to tell him that it is over and that it's because of his drinking, and that I'll never come back... I really don't want to try and make it work anymore and I'm not going back - and when I say something like that it really is final. I might've had a "poor me" attitude before and took him back, but once I get the chance to get him out entirely, I am going to take it.

For the record, a general confrontation with him looks like this: He drinks, comes home and gives me verbal abuse. I push him out and sometimes I'm successful. He goes for more drink, comes back and rings the doorbell incessantly in the middle of the night. I, or sometimes a neighbour (because when I do it, he just speeds off, waits a few hours and comes back to do the same thing), call the police. They come, I beg them to take him out of my hair, they say they can't because he has all right to be there. There is no end to it.

If I had enough money to rent another apartment I would, but I'm very low on money so that's not an option. My parents have only one bedroom so that's not an option either.

Even the police said it themselves: something serious has to happen before they can do anything about it. I'll be damned if I let it get that far. I can also not write him off of my address, only he can do that. I've looked for it, it's impossible, again unless something serious happens. That's why I want to make him understand why I want to break up with him, so he knows to write himself off of my address and peacefully moves out, because there just isn't any other way. I have nowhere to go and the police can't do anything.

Lonake: I have to admit, I'm not good at all with synastry. What would mars opposite venus mean then? Not sure if the orb is still within opposition to my neptune as well.

posted October 06, 2010 09:55 AM         

- A: you pay the rent and your name is on the contract (which is the case for me)

- B: you're registered at that exact address with the town or district counsil (which is the case for both of us)

If only one of those two applies to you, you have every right to be at that address, and there is nothing that any official instances can do. Unless a crime is committed, but for that, the crime has to be committed first. And emotional abuse isn't considered a crime.

Even if you want to get someone off of that address, the only one who has the right to do that is the person themselves (unless they are minors).

I don't know how it is in the USA, or the UK. I know it's different in Ireland but sadly enough where I live is Belgium and they just love their paperwork. A bit too much, sometimes, especially when it means that I have no leg to stand on by law...

posted October 06, 2010 10:10 AM         

So as I see it the only way to get rid of him (against his will) really is moving out for you?

This really sucks.

posted October 06, 2010 10:53 AM         

Not to mention the majority of the stuff in here is mine, logistically it would be more logical if he left, instead of I. He has less stuff to pack.

That's why I want to make it clear to him in a friendly way that he has to go. I don't want to suffer because of him, more than I have to - this means financially, too.