posted October 26, 2010 03:03 PM            

quote:

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i wonder if in the past i WAS a drug user. that is quite possible and i've thought that before

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it came off a little more innocent than i intended. i was a pothead for a few years when i was a teenager and dabbled in a few substances but i have never allowed myself to become addicted to anything (except cigarettes, coffee, and i guess pot, though i did quit every once in a while cuz my tolerance got way too high!). i meant to say it is possible that i was a drug addled maniac in a past life, basically. and i think it's very possible this is the case because of my family, who are mostly alcoholics, but there are a few junkies too, as well as this situation with this guy, as well as for the fact that part of my knows i could go that path quite easily if i allowed myself. i think that's why i was blessed with so much fixity in my chart: i have good reason to be stubborn. whether it's family stuff or past life stuff, the potential always seems to be hovering in my subconscious.

spool, that's so cool. well we must have been born close then cuz i almost have a cap venus yeah i've had a really hard life and yes i'm most definitely a survivor..

THOUGH i must say this situation is challenging me in new ways that i've never been challenged before. it's brought up a level of grief i haven't contended with in a long time. because along with the loving feelings that we shared that i am trying to figure out what to do with/about, i am also realizing that this scar has not healed over. the wound was deep.

posted October 27, 2010 06:42 PM            

Since she has gone throught a lot and has survived a lot she gives some pretty good sugestions on things. Vary psychic and intuitive,

posted October 27, 2010 06:56 PM            

like basically he seems to be having a crisis and i DO love him and would like to be here for him somehow but it's like he's afraid to be vulnerable or even human. he wants to be perfect and i think he's cracking under the pressure. but yeah at this point i don't want a relationship with him but i still have a deep sense of connection and commitment to him.

thanks for the composite reading, pluto squared. i don't THINK he sees me of part of that group at all. i think it's just the opposite. do you think that square could reflect that? the group rejected me and i rejected the group and he was basically caught in the middle of those energies. they didn't like that i wasn't into their lifestyle at all and that i was trying to help him out of it. i cared about them too but admittedly i was trying to help him more, probably because they got just downright nasty while him and i remained close. but there was a definite schizm between me and the group. from what he's told me i'm quite sure he identifies the dynamics the same way. he remained in that group for anohter three years while his memory of who i was and what i did for him helped him to get out of it eventually, by his account.

but perhaps it is still haunting our mutual subconscious and that is why it is in the composite. like it is reflecting that dynamic?

i think maybe for us personally neptune probably represents the drugs, the escapism and the strong undercurrent of spirituality (and the confusion of sorting that all out in a graspable way) for us both which is in a standoff with our sense of motivation. we are both pretty motivated people with active minds (having each mercury conjunct mars). it's like they are in battle, which is understandable, because the weight of the past and its strong spiritual significance would necessarily have to be worked through to be in alignment with our actions and to make sense in our minds. i don't think he's decieving me presently and i do think he has a strong sense of integrity, but clearly in the past he succame to deceit and i do think that is lingering. it took me over a year for me to know i could trust him and engage in anything more than a 2 minute discussion, so i'm sure just knowing, for him, is contributing to his own internal crisis. basically i think it would have to be resolved between us before it could go anywhere, and communication and honesty between us would have to be thorough.

sadly, this is what we agreed on already, and it was his idea, but maybe that pull back to neptune, resulting in escapism with me(??) was too strong and diffused his drive (merc/mars).

i sorta instinctively lump saturn opposition mars because of the wide orb, yeah. but who knows!

yes you are very right about the pisces mars. the thing about it is that it is very fluid and psychic and romantic. like we are completely blended together, no boundaries. it was like that even way back when. so etheral and yet so much understanding and empathy; we were totally intune with eachother. we would just pick up on eachothers', well, everything.

i thought the composite ac represents the way we met or the environment around our relationship (eg, scorpio ac means it starts out secretively, etc). in our case, the guy's house that we lived at (and met at) was an aqua and he was INCREDIBLY quirky and bizzare, and it was a big friendship-hang out and chill and party vibe in that house.

quote:

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The Pluto in 8th house quincunx the Mars also seems challenging to "re-start" an old relationship...

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can i ask what you mean by challenging? as in, the impulse is TO start one, or by this aspect, to restart one would be challenging? i'm not really familiar with the energy of a quincunx, specially in composite!

and i agree with the rest of eveything you said, totally. thanks!

posted October 27, 2010 10:51 PM            

Thank you for sharing this relationship with me on the board. I can tell that this person is very important to you, and I will try to tread carefully with words.

When you said this:

"thanks for the composite reading, pluto squared. i don't THINK he sees me of part of that group at all. i think it's just the opposite. do you think that square could reflect that? the group rejected me and i rejected the group and he was basically caught in the middle of those energies. they didn't like that i wasn't into their lifestyle at all and that i was trying to help him out of it."

Then, you said prior:

"one time, though, he did get really upset and accused me of not wanting him to be happy, kept asking for my forgiveness, and kept proclaiming he is a good person. all of that with no reasoning to back it up (i was not insinuating anything to the contrary whatsoever and i'd forgiven him long ago)."

Maybe he does not see you as the offensive drug users that he was trying to get away from, but you WERE part of that world and time. You were there for his downfall. You were there to witness him as that person he is trying to get away from. In his mind, there's an association that was made, in spite of your best intentions. There's no blame to be had, either.

I think that's what I was reading into with the chart. I could've worded that better, earlier... and more clearly, but I was "in the zone" and trying to get out as much information as possible.

If we go with my interpretation, he might make all those associations with you and that group and time period... just because, you were THERE and a big part of his life, at the time.

Otherwise, you could view the motivation and thoughts, communications of the relationship being in constant rejection of that social sphere... however, I try to apply the composite reading about the couple, and not outside people, as a rule of thumb.

Ascendant of composites can represent the environment, but I see it as the direction (1 of 4 axis directions). I guess it depends on whose reading style you agree with, but from what I've learned it's a big part of the identity of the partners together, and their "theme" together.

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"The Pluto in 8th house quincunx the Mars also seems challenging to "re-start" an old relationship...

can i ask what you mean by challenging? as in, the impulse is TO start one, or by this aspect, to restart one would be challenging? i'm not really familiar with the energy of a quincunx, specially in composite!
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Quincunx is severed energy. It's unreconciled. It's not like an opposition or square - it's almost like the communication is severed entirely.

The way I saw those aspects, the other night, the pluto in 8th house in Libra (old death of relationship) being unreconciled with the watery Piscean Mars in 1st (that early love)... There's no energy between the two to motivate eachother to communicate.

Perhaps, there's a good reason for this?

Perhaps he relied on that Piscean relationship before to help him, and now, he's moving towards integrating that into himself? From the sounds of it, he's already adapting and evolving quite a bit.

The relationship you had before is probably not appropriate anymore. And, if it were to begin again, would need to be on dramatically different terms.

posted October 29, 2010 03:51 AM            

spool, that is really interesting. is this the aqua you speak of sometimes?

okay thanks everyone, and i'm gonna try really hard to get back to this tomorrow.

posted October 31, 2010 04:36 PM            

i'm not sure what i want in this situation other than for him to understand, foremost, that i've always cared about him. his paranoia completely shocked me because to me it stands that he should have understood how much i cared for him, especially due to what he articulated along the lines of recognizing that. i think that is why it is affecting me so much; because it was such a heavy situation, so painful, and all i EVER wanted was for him to recongnize he was worth so much more than what he was putting himself through. for all these years i've prayed for his healing, and when i saw him totally turned around i was so happy. and now to have him seemingly fall BACK somewhat and the seeming cause of that being a total misapprehension about my feelings about him and desire for his happiness and health, well it is just so awful. it's completely confounding. especially since he went all prickley and i could tell it was immense fear at the core of that.

i'm not sure i can totally grasp how a composite chart can be static, in terms of 'this is the best you can expect'; wouldn't it be more along the lines of how a natal chart is tendencies and created patterns to be worked through? i do feel however that mars-pluto quincunx is definitely an issue.. thanks for pointing that out! and that friendship really is a very strong necessity. when we got back together it was totally unexpected. we were just laying there talking about our past, relaxing, warming to eachother and i honestly do not even REMEMBER how it became intimate. i think we BOTH started at the same moment (i don't remember either initiating or being initiated upon!) i guess that's pisces mars for you.. it was so fluid and the feelings just overtook and it just happened. i think everything happens for a reason of course, but i also think it was premature in that we weren't ready to just jump into a relationship without having worked everything out first, simply because our past was so intense.

posted October 31, 2010 05:50 PM            

Remember my interpretation, not matter how accurate is not the "word of God" so to speak!

I just say what I see... and am human like everyone else, so there's always hope. And, I really believe that - where there's love, there's hope.

My reading comes from a basic understanding of things, and like you, have been in a situation where I loved someone so much that I was actually deeply upset and HURT over what I read in the chart.

I actually started reading charts deeply almost obsessively, because of this person, and in some sort of way used that bad recovery experience to put it into something that I really loved and enjoyed.

With my situation, I think I started to learn and make some connections, that although we at times get "used" to help someone along in their life, no matter how strong the bond is and feels, how lifechanging it can be, those relationships also have the ability to leave your life permanently.

For me it was a lesson in the true nature of giving. Without the expectation of return. And, sometimes we miss someone so darn bad, but there's a point where if our love is driving us to despair, it's time to let go and have some faith in the design of things - that there are ifinite possibilites and a lot of hope - always hope for things in the future.

Change is constant. For good or bad, is up for interpretation.

Anyways. I'm just rambling. But, I hope that regardless of what I SAY - that the best plays out for all people concerned.

And, also, realize if you're so much like that typical aquarius who will pick apart details to no end, but have a hard time letting out the pain otherwise, that you should share and encourage your own recovery.

One of the best discoveries in my life was realizing that I didn't need a person, place or thing to heal - AND LOVE my life! That I was born with everything I needed to be happy... and although I love the relationships I'm gifted with, I can love without the expectation of permanency, and allow the world to trot along and change like it does without fear in my heart.

posted October 31, 2010 06:16 PM            

yes..

posted November 03, 2010 04:11 PM            

initially he gave me this big warm loving smile as he was walking toward me.. then he averted his eyes and i could see/feel the shift into paranoia that overtook his whole being. i asked him if we could get together and talk sometime and he said he'd like to, BUT every single thing he said to me in that 2 or 3 minute conversation was coming TOTALLY from a place of fear. and yet again, it was like he had this WALL up from hearing me (locked as he was into it). such a strange thing. it's like i affect him SO strongly but he takes that feeling and rather than relax with it and see what's there he instantly freaks out and projects his fears onto me. he basically was telling me (no provocation, i didn't even ask how he's doing) that he's DOING REALLY WELL, like insisting upon it!!, and i'm pretty sure i've figured out that because he insists this so much (along with his assertion that he's a good person all the time, and his requiring me to forgive him, all unprovoked) he sees me as a person he needs to PROVE this to or whom he needs approval from. it is, actually, really depressing. this wall/projected fear is WAY too thick for me to have any effect, it seems, because he can't relax with me for even a moment anymore. he initially did, very much so, but gradually this energy took over everything.

posted November 03, 2010 04:32 PM            

You're taking a lot of time to figure him out - which you're doing a really good job of.

And, he's trying to reassure you that all is well.

posted November 03, 2010 04:52 PM            

To me it sounds like he's trying to forge out his morality in a very primitive and "beginner's" way...

A lot of people START with those black/white thinking patterns after recovering from addiction or just "healing" bad previous patterns.

posted November 03, 2010 05:04 PM            

and yeah i've gone to al-anon, only once though. my ex bf's mom took me and goes regularly which is why i don't go. we're friends but i feel awkward with her there. could just go and listen, though..

posted November 03, 2010 05:35 PM            

Do you have the dates for when you were living together? Like when you said "everything was falling down around you" or something like that...