posted November 05, 2010 11:50 AM            

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aww, BIG HUGS for all the heartbroken.

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Thank you, Woah.

With the guy who left me last month, his Mars was on my IC (2 degrees, out of sign conjunction). In the whole sign house system, his Sun-Mercury-Mars fell into my fourth house (third in Placidus.)

I'd been looking for a light, fun connection with someone, nothing heavy or serious, and with him I felt very early on like--"I want to live with you and be with you and merge my life with you."

Losing the relationship made me see my relationship with my mother and family of origin in a new way--partly this was about TPluto on my ASC, squaring my Pluto and TSaturn on my Pluto, T-squaring my Saturn-ASC...and then the Venus Rx. I came to this realization that until I break the poisonous, deeply-entrenched cycles of that relationship, I will never feel loved or have an okay life.

But other, tighter, in-sign angle conjunctions might have been more significant in the relationship with my ex, to give me that "I want a huge thing with you!!" feeling---my Moon-Saturn on his DC (0, 2), our AC/DC/MC/IC axis loosely conjunct (4 degrees), my Pluto on his MC (2), my NN conjunct his Moon (2), his Vertex conjunct my Sun-Mercury (2,0)....and my Sun-Mercury forming a grand fire trine with his Sun-Mercury-Mars and Moon-Neptune. And a loose (3) Vertex-Vertex conjunction.

So we have several aspects that would give me that "I want to share my life with you" feeling...it could even be just his planet pileup in my 4th house. (My Sun-Merc-Mars-Vertex fall into his 8th, my Moon-Saturn-Venus in his 7th.)

I have taken the breakup much, much, much worse than the endings of relationships that were far more serious, long-term, and committed...and also worse than the endings of other passionate love affairs. Something about the connection felt very, very different than in my previous relationships, like this warm feeling deep in my bones.

posted November 06, 2010 07:01 PM            

in your bones and homesickness: YES!! that's exacly how i feel. it transcends even a feeling of 'passion' or 'attraction'. to me those words seem weak in comparison to their effect on your emotions or 'place' in your heart.

posted November 06, 2010 08:43 PM            

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Lucia why did you guys end? If you miss or missed him...why isn't he still in your life...at least as friends.

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He's the one who ended it, and he hasn't contacted me since it ended. I am trying to be respectful...he is an Aries Sun-Mars-Mercury, if he wanted to be in touch, we would.

I know in my case when I'm the one who ends things, I want the other person to respect my boundaries if I don't want to see them anymore.

posted November 07, 2010 12:36 AM            

MC conjunctions...very very underrated in synastry, I think, especially depending on the natals=you associate the person with your life goals, your vocation, your "calling", your career path. Sometimes outside an intimate relationship, a person with conjunctions to your MC can be a SYMBOL of something important you need to know about your life path.

posted November 07, 2010 08:39 PM            

I understand this I felt the same way with that Aqua ex. And still did...I just wanted to know he was ok.

posted November 07, 2010 10:00 PM            

Natally: I have Moon-Saturn-DC conjunction in my 7th house in Cancer. (As well as Venus in Cancer too.) And I am an 8th house Leo Sun!! I have a very fiery-water-un-detached chart.

So I have struggled in my life with issues around pride and shame, looking for validation in my partnerships rather than being able to love and receive love with emotional detachment and openheartedness.

The natal seventh makes me guarded about vulnerability.

Transit-wise and in life: I've been struggling so much over the last four months with my mother's legacy in my life. (Also her Saturn is conjunct mine, ewwwww, mother issues.) And enduring challenging Pluto and Saturn transits. The cardinal cross last summer hit me hard.

For those reasons, I'm taking this breakup harder than ever before. It's also the first time the person hasn't contacted me afterwards. It's bringing up deep, primal stuff about my childhood. Part of the pride issue is that I feel I let myself down in this relationship. I am more sad about it than prideful. But if he wanted to contact me, he certainly could do so.

posted November 07, 2010 11:18 PM            

right, it was venus in cancer and leo sun that i share with you draconically. it's funny that i am SUPPOSED to be more prideful and romantic. i guess that just goes to show that 'detachment' isn't any more 'superior' than pure human experience, even though it's so often touted as the ideal.

i guess as much as it sucks, relationships are often catalysts to deeper introspection and learning. i guess i detach easily because i can't help but take my mind in that direction; to UNDERSTAND the pain, or the bigger picture and how the relationship fit into it, for me, is to let it go. also, i'm sure you realize, whatever his reasons, they were HIS reasons and ultimately have very little to do with you. and they may have even been very stupid reasons and he may just not have been ready for all the wonderful things you had to offer him.

we ALL have weird parent karma and it seems like so much of our 'path' is to untangle ourselves from their less desirable influences or patterns, and even though it's painful, maybe it's a good thing that you're contending with that stuff now/again, to REALLY clear it out for good. it feels so good to be liberated from stuff that holds us back, especially the subtler forms of self sabotage we don't even notice is a part of us until we go through something so difficult.

posted November 07, 2010 11:41 PM            

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even though it's painful, maybe it's a good thing that you're contending with that stuff now/again, to REALLY clear it out for good. it feels so good to be liberated from stuff that holds us back, especially the subtler forms of self sabotage we don't even notice is a part of us until we go through something so difficult.

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Yes, that's what I'm going through right now. And I really, really want to clear it all out FOREVER!!

If I had fully shown up for that relationship--been my true self instead of shutting down--I wouldn't feel this awful about it ending. I think I am afraid I'll let myself down again. Also, I'm mourning that I got so badly hurt (as a kid)that I was afraid to show up for my own Leo life. (We are all about fun, good drama, confidence, and having huge, loving hearts.)

posted November 09, 2010 12:14 AM            

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Well, it's partly pride. I don't want to be "just friends" with him, so unless how he is is that he's madly in love with me and feels he made a terrible mistake to leave me, I'm not sure I want to know how he is. Although I wish him well. But it's raw. The thought of him with someone else makes me sad for myself.

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Lucia, I can see that. You don't want to be just friends. You know I'm sure he probably misses you as well. But I also know that Aries are pretty prideful...just as you are (although if I remember correctly you are a Leo...or have Leo in you). I think for anyone to admit they were wrong and miss someone regardless of the sign is hard, let alone for a man. And an Aries isn't going to exactly say he misses you, needs you and screwed up. Hell, probably not even the most emotional Pisces or Cancer man would admit that lol.

In terms of my Aqua ex, I'll admit that a part of me misses him, not as far as dating...but just knowing he is ok. I think the problem with me caring so much is I got to know his family background (his dad is an alcoholic and his mom partied all the time…plus they fought all the time), and how he heard growing up how worthless he was/is and how much of a piece of sh*t he is by his parents...he grew up believing and behaving that way to reinforce those words.

It's hard because I know deep down he is a good guy, but the facts are he did really hurt me and even though over the summer things got bad due to him finding out I was moving...it still doesn't forgive why he didn't try harder to talk to me after he came over (to my apartment and I was gone) in July. I know he hasn't been in town since July and he's the type of person who holds off on stuff until he is here (meaning he got that email from the summer around my birthday in early July telling him I missed him...and then ONLY replied with some sort of answer at the end of July...but wanted to see me face to face). But still he added his ex GF of three years (his first...and I truly think only love) back on Facebook in late September (she's still engaged to someone else...but I think with her graduating in Dec he's hoping there is some type of hope...even though she has been with the current guy for 2.5 years, and they've NEVER broken up), plus he accepted a friend of mine who he didn't know who was attractive...which led me to believe he denied my re-add of him (after he deleted me!) because I'm not attractive enough to be on there.

To me it shows me that he COMPLTELY doesn't want me in his life even to the point of being Facebook friends. And while I do want to respect him and his choice to have moved on, I still feel that it is quite horrible to move on from the literal person. And I tried my hardest to be a good friend/person and be encouraging and positive…and yes I will admit I was totally was a clinging crab at times, and at times a cold Cap Moon…but I always thought he knew I only did it because I truly cared very deeply from my core for him. I look at it as if he truly cared for me he would want me around for more than just a romantic relationship, but at least to know how I am. Or that he'd truly care for me and my wellbeing and want to know how I am a(if he did he would have answered my calls and just talked to me or answered an email when I asked how he was and told him about my San Fran moving details).

posted November 09, 2010 12:58 PM            

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I actually believe emotionally that no one will ever mutually love me again, even though I know intellectually that that's very, very unlikely. That desperate feeling is all about childhood patterns.

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patterns! oh patterns.. they suck. well i can relate a lot to feeling like you didn't 'show up' in the right ways in a relationship, and the what-ifs that follow. but here's what i think (and i could be way off base)- even if that's true, don't you think his totally cutting you out like he has is indication that at some point he likely would have regardless? maybe it's naive of me but i think if you love someone you will do everything it takes to understand them in order to work out whatever is in the way of sharing a total love experience. so to me the fact that he backed off (abruptly?) and cut you out indicates to me that he couldn't handle it for whatever reasons and is possibly just really immature. and yeah maybe it is an aries thing.. they throw themselves into something and get bored fast, don't they? that doesn't mean YOU are boring or easy to get over, though. and it doesn't mean you are unloveable.

posted November 09, 2010 01:42 PM            

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don't you think his totally cutting you out like he has is indication that at some point he likely would have regardless? maybe it's naive of me but i think if you love someone you will do everything it takes to understand them in order to work out whatever is in the way of sharing a total love experience. so to me the fact that he backed off (abruptly?) and cut you out indicates to me that he couldn't handle it for whatever reasons and is possibly just really immature.

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Yes, absolutely. We had a talk two months before the relationship ended, and before that he had thought things were perfect and that *I* was perfect. Which is such a red flag word! After that, he said he really wanted things to work, but he pulled away slowly and I think semi-unconsciously. He got more reluctant, I got more desperate, and neither of us handled the new dynamic well, and then finally I confronted him. (I had been very uncharacteristically shut down before that, whereas usually I'm a good and honest communicator.) I hurt him badly during that talk before he pulled away--but yes, I don't think it was anything unsalvagable. He either didn't love/want me enough to work to salvage it, or he is at a life stage where he just isn't prepared for a real, imperfect relationship with anybody. Or maybe things would work with him and someone else. I don't know.

He was less bored than frustrated and conflicted and, I think, MAD. (Hee Aries.) We had poor communication (again, so rare for me), and it went on for way too long without talking about it. I could feel his conflict deep in his body, like he wanted to hold himself off from me to prove a point, but 100% of his young Aries body and 90% of his soul were filled with a non-transferrable lust, which, he is an Aries and not a Scorpio, so he was unable to hold himself aloof. It got to this weird point where he was trying to take me on these chaste dates, and then he would get mad at me for some little thing I said that he decided was hurtful or cold.

I do know that I need to take the part where I let myself down as a HUGE WAKEUP CALL. But yes, I agree about his role.

I just wish he would come back on real terms. I dunno. IQ looked at our composite and synastry and said it looked like an awful relationship! But I really miss him, so, ughh.

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it's sort of weird.. because what you write about your reaction is sort of actually how i feel i SHOULD be, even though by nature i'm not.

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Just don't forget that it's asking you to go toward the *higher octaves* of Leo/Cancer--big hearts and very focused on emotionally connecting with a romantic partner. I do not recommend adopting any practices of clingyiness, neediness, or romantic obsession!

My draco=Sagittarius Sun-Mercury-Mars, Libra Moon-Saturn-DC, Venus in Scorpio.
(My natal=Leo Sun-Mercury in the 8th, Virgo Mars, Cancer Moon-Saturn-DC-Venus.) My draco is all about honestly and in an uncensored way speaking my mind, and being an adventurer!!

posted November 09, 2010 02:03 PM            

The facebook thing I am sure has nothing to do with how he perceives your attractiveness! He probably was very attracted to you--after all, he was your bf for a bit!--but then the emotional quality of your interactions gave him feelings he didn't like. It sounds like he has a lot of s$*t he's dealing with in his life that would make him not able to handle some of those emotional interactions gracefully...and it sounds like you are dealing with some issues around your self-esteem.