posted June 23, 2011 08:17 PM            

I am totally clueless when it comes to emotions..

I'm feeling really lost right now..
Its so much easier to go through life without feeling..
I dont want to feel anymore.. Im so tired of this...
I have no clue what Im feeling.. I cant even put it into words..
Im very confused about my own feelings..

Why cant I know what I am feeling? What is this? How am I suppose to release feelings, and still be this strong woman?
Ive always seen excessive emotions as a weakness..
I dont have time or strength to be weak.. I think its to painful..

posted June 23, 2011 08:23 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by feitlebaum:
Maybe you are depressed.

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How would I know if Im depressed?

IDK Im sad.. but IDK about depressed.. Well maybe... idk...

posted June 23, 2011 08:34 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by feitlebaum:
What happened?? Unless it came out of the blue, then I'd say you might be depressed.

Have you always felt this way?
I can't read transits, but you can always find the source.

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posted June 23, 2011 09:43 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by 4lifephrases:
Lioness: Don't feel shame to feel. I wonder how can you put things aside. I need to process every damn day, all my emotions. No matter what. Maybe write your feelings, allow yourself to cry or even scream, if necessary. Show your emotions that's the only thing that differentiates us from robot and mechanical world.To feel bad is natural.

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posted June 23, 2011 10:54 PM            

I don't like the typical descriptions, and being called PMS, I feel, that culturally, it is meant as an insult to women- or as a convenient and untrue reason to call someone 'bitchy'.

I mean it as a very real, very normal dip/rise in certain hormones naturally secreted by your endocrine system. We react.

posted June 23, 2011 11:53 PM            

(okay that means nothing to you)

Also, I'm making lights flicker something a bit due to kundalini so this may be a little less composed than I'd like it to be.

Sorry if I come off wrong here. I'm going to talk about my own experiences because they illuminate how far I've come and the extent of the research I'm summarizing here. I used to read 5-6 books at a time on neuroscience, buddhism etc almost constantly for the longest time. I've spent a lot of time trying to cure my own nearly life long depression and what got to being severe suicidal ideation from august of 1998 onward which is gradually getting better (but now I have kundalini to contend with.. yay!). If you want to know I was born in december of 1984, so it's been nearly half of my life. For a 6th month period of time I stopped thinking about suicide altogether after my intesive research, so it has to amount to something. I spent a lot of time trying to save my life so people wouldn't have to deal with the pain of my suicide (I was an atheist.. how could a god create a world this painful and horrible? God would have to be sadistic..). I also didn't want anyone to have to suffer the way that I did.

During my worst, almost every day for months I would have dialogues with myself about how I could commit suicide and be successful, or trying to talk myself out of it so I could make it through the next 24 hours (than the next, than the next). Being so depressed that I would bring things with me in my bag to work so I could kill myself in a 5 minute span of time if I couldn't make it through the day and trying to decide what bathroom would be best. Always having to have something I could kill myself at home. Looking at the statistics on suicide efficacy obsessively. I was always the worst when I couldn't cry. I hated it when I couldn't cry because I knew that was when I was in the most pain. The people who study people like me who want to die like I have say there is no chance for recovery. The person will most likely die by suicide or die feeling that way. Fortunately, our brains change through plasticity and neurogenesis and I don't see that being my long term prognosis.

Emotions are there to show us there is something wrong with our mindset or our environment (potentially biology or diet). Depression most frequently comes when there is something wrong in your self or environment which is not conducive to your well-being, growth or happiness. This is why people who suffer from depression, particularly severely recurrent depression have lower brain density (sorry miss optimist Sagittarius doesn't sugar coat well). The depression process will actually prune brain cells until it can break up the circuit that is causing the problem, whether it's a belief structure or otherwise, and you can lose up to 90% of your brain cells in a certain area before you can visibly notice a difference (brain damage). If say your diet is causing depression, I don't think it differentiates much. If you don't find and fix the problem, pay attention to whatever emotion comes up and what it is trying to teach you it'll start hijacking your life and your brain.

Scientists have shown, that when an individual has an aversion or tries to suppress the pain, whether an unwanted emotion or physical, they've noted that it actually increases the intensity of the perceived pain or emotion. It's almost like it's trying to say "Listen, this is important. Something is broken here," and it's making the message stronger to compensate. This is partly why some Buddhist monks can go through things like eye surgery without anesthetic.

If you look at the neuroscience of the brain, and the benefits of a spiritual holistically integrated lifestyle, it is plain to see that there are benefits to doing the right path and negatives to the wrong path. The diseases, the emotions are catalysts or red flags to show you the way. If you don't look at the lessons they provide very deeply, you don't get better or grow (positive vs negative reinforcement being at work here).

Okay.. neural correlates time (doesn't mean causal of course).

From the Mindful Brain page 91.. quoting verbatim..

"Correlations of these facets with other measures revealed that the facets seemed to connect with predicted dimensions. For example, act with awareness (the "actaware facet) was inversely correlated with absent-mindedness and dissociation; "describe" was positively associated with emotional intelligence and negatively with alexithymia (the inability to describe one's internal state); and "nonjudge" was most robustly associated with low psychological symptoms, neuroticism, thought suppression, difficulties with emotional regulation, and experiential avoidance. Interestingly, "non-react" was most associated with self-compassion and "observe" correlated with openness to experience.

If we practice the above enough, biology or hormones should not matter as much. If we are centered in love and compassion, and, going further, have cleaned ourselves out from psychological etheric debris that cause more bodily imablance, we should not have the same emotional highs and lows.

I can't tell you how many times they've done studies on Buddhist monks and proven that they recover from emotional traumas faster. The inventory above was using secular aspects of Buddhism in a clinical context. To expand on this another way in a somewhat unrelated but related way, there is this thing called the happiness setpoint. It's the ratio of activity between the left acc and right acc on either side of your medial prefrontal cortex (your attention). The left correlates with compassion and courage as well as noticing a conflict, where the left prefrontal cortex solves a conflict (you can say g'bye to conflict resolution when your anger/amygdala hijack this circuit becase you just don't solve problems with your lower circuit, though you can shrink your hypothalamus with any emotional trauma that results from say emotionally laden fights or pain, and voila, ptsd at the extreme but poorer neural integration or procedural memory is correlated with a shrunken hypothalamus.. so compassion is the key to staying in your prefrontal cortex or higher brain and mitigates trauma or damage to your hypothalamus.. I cite stories below). The right acc is anxiety and insecurity. Generally speaking, the happiness setpoint is genetically set, but there are things you can do to shape and change your brain over time with focus and attention. The highest happiness setpoint was found in this monk affectionately known as the happy geshe while doing compassion meditation.

Now to how you mitigate trauma. I bring this in because it relates to the above and this is ultimately part of what your emotions are trying to teach you when they're screaming something is wrong. There is this story of one of the Dalai Lama's doctors. When the Chinese invaded, he was unable to escape in time and was captured and subsequently tortured for the next 20 years of his life, after which a compassionate chinese soldier let him escape. Neuroscientifically speaking, he should have had a very traumatized brain and personality to match it, but he returned completely normal and non-traumatized brain and personality wise. When asked if he was ever afraid during the many years of torture he replied that he was afraid, afraid he would lose his compassion for the Chinese people. For that reason he never suffered like he should have.

Either way, if you look at the brain, we are wired to function best in a compassionate, service to other, eudaimonically oriented setting. When you stray from that or aren't true to yourself and start suppressing or fearing as opposed to loving, that's when things get ugly. We weren't made to live the way we do in western society.. with all the hate, judgment, commercial programming (I say programming because your mirror neurons are very skilled at reinforcing that behavior and what you see into your brain.. they are programmed to learn that way), and hedonistic materialistic drives that derail ourselves as well as our community. I list materialism there because hedonism with that has proven to not cause lasting happiness again and again, but we buy it because that's all we see everywhere (I could get more into what's wrong with society). So we pollute ourselves and our environment, enslaving ourselves to debt and corporate tyranny, and we look at anyone who is broken by the emotional traumas we propagate as being weak or some sort of energy vampire when it is really our society that caused it and they are the canaries of our society. We forget our happiness is interdependent on everyone else's and live with a me first attitude.

Suffering and emotion can be like a catalyst to compassion. It is the people who suffer without compassion who shut down that eventually shut down enough that they need to attack and bring down others to survive because they believe that we are really separate and whoever gets the most or fits some westernized ideal wins. Those people are the weakest. And when society has fallen to greed and despotism, who will be strong then? It's a form of suicide. We are not a city unto ourselves.

Sorry I got all political. Going to stop it here, but there is a lot to this.. I spoke a little on books I recommend here. http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum11/HTML/001342.html

posted June 24, 2011 12:38 AM            

That was beautiful! Thanks for sharing your story also... Thank you for taking the time to sit down and write all of that!

Its true I have been suppressing emotions. Now I have come to at a time,when its no longer possible.. Its kicking me, screaming at me.. Punching me in the face.. You name it...

Im working on it.. I am.. but I have suppressed emotions since I was a small child, that I never really "learned" emotions..
I dont know what I am feeling... Its very confusing..
I cant tell you what emotions I am having.. I think its this, then I change it and say no no its got to be this...

It may be hard for some people to understand that you dont know what your feeling.. But I really dont... I dont know what any of these emotions actually feel like..

posted June 24, 2011 12:52 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Lioness:
Im having a real hard time, understanding feelings... What I feel, what they are, what they mean... How do you know what your feeling?? How can you tell?

I am totally clueless when it comes to emotions..

I'm feeling really lost right now..
Its so much easier to go through life without feeling..
I dont want to feel anymore.. Im so tired of this...
I have no clue what Im feeling.. I cant even put it into words..
Im very confused about my own feelings..

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"I would say it is more than "perhaps". I'd also say that the children and teenagers learned it was not safe to be emotionally honest at home. This is a very common theme in the suicidal teens I've known.( I am not sure who Winnicott is but later I will do a bit of research if I remember to.)"

You have gone through a lot of trauma Lioness. I know that much from reading some of your posts. You're going to have to have compassion for the people who did harm to you enough to get rid of the fear and realize it's okay to have emotions and then slowly work on identifying them. Doing some neurogenesis stimulating activities along with some intense therapeutic work (alone if you can't find a good therapist.. there aren't many). Some things that stimulate new neuron growth are exercise, novelty seeking, and intellectual stimulation.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Lioness:

Why cant I know what I am feeling? What is this? How am I suppose to release feelings, and still be this strong woman?
Ive always seen excessive emotions as a weakness..
I dont have time or strength to be weak.. I think its to painful..

---

You need to take time to heal. You feel weak because you've been wounded and weren't given the tools to heal. The emotions are so strong because of some of the things I said in the earlier post. Looking at an emotion or pain without fear will make it go away and will give you a broader understanding. The problem is there is so much fear in trauma (thus the compassion element to neutralize that also partly why forgiveness is so important in therapy).

Again, your emotions are showing you something is wrong. They're biologically hardwired for a reason. You're doing well to be in the position you are in with what you've gone through.

quote:

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Originally posted by Lioness:
When I am down or feeling sad, I will buy a coloring book and color or I will clean.. I will do something to get things out of my head...
Right now I cant do any of these things.... My mind is just racing and racing.. It wont stop!

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It's funny that you use coloring books. People who go through extreme trauma do that a lot.

(some practical benefits to emotional intelligence or literacy.. the book emotional intelligence may be some insight.. it's an extremely useful skill http://www.eqi.org/elit.htm#Practical%20Value%20of%20Communicating%20with%20Feelin g%20Words)

posted June 24, 2011 01:01 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Lioness:
Im having a real hard time, understanding feelings... What I feel, what they are, what they mean... How do you know what your feeling?? How can you tell?

I am totally clueless when it comes to emotions..

I'm feeling really lost right now..
Its so much easier to go through life without feeling..
I dont want to feel anymore.. Im so tired of this...
I have no clue what Im feeling.. I cant even put it into words..
Im very confused about my own feelings..

Why cant I know what I am feeling? What is this? How am I suppose to release feelings, and still be this strong woman?
Ive always seen excessive emotions as a weakness..
I dont have time or strength to be weak.. I think its to painful..

When I am down or feeling sad, I will buy a coloring book and color or I will clean.. I will do something to get things out of my head...
Right now I cant do any of these things.... My mind is just racing and racing.. It wont stop!

---

posted June 24, 2011 01:07 AM            

I understand what you mean by compassion.. Just getting there... I dont know how I can do that..

What is neurogenesis stimulating activities? I cant do a therapist.. I know my self.. I cant open up to someone I dont know or trust...

posted June 24, 2011 01:11 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by mochai:
how could a god create a world this painful and horrible? God would have to be sadistic..). I also didn't want anyone to have to suffer the way that I did.

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posted June 24, 2011 01:15 AM            

Well Im trying to get a grip on what Im feeling... Im trying to fiqure it out.. But I cant.. I just cant fiqure it out.. Its frustrating, to not know what your feeling... Its like I need someone to tell me your feeling (fill in blank) because of ------

SO I can say OOOO.. Ok so thats what that is.. Now I know..

Think of it as, lets say you've never seen a grape before, I show you a grape you ask me whats that? I say its a grape you eat it.. You now understand what it is... SO next time you will know what the grape is..

But if you saw a grape alone, and no one told you or explained it to you.. What do you think? What is this? What do I do with it? Do I throw it? Is it poison? You know a million thoughts would go through your head..
Thats where I am at with emotions..

Im having all the feelings, I havent felt and I dont know what they are... Im trying to figure it out.. But I cant explain it, and no -one can explain it to me...

posted June 24, 2011 01:16 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by mochai:
*makes mental note to avoid chiron conj north node.. watches judgmental attitude*

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posted June 24, 2011 01:17 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by AstrologicalMan:
If you don't what you are feeling, then paint or draw something.

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posted June 24, 2011 01:21 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Lioness:
@ AstrologicalMan

Well Im trying to get a grip on what Im feeling... Im trying to fiqure it out.. But I cant.. I just cant fiqure it out.. Its frustrating, to not know what your feeling... Its like I need someone to tell me your feeling (fill in blank) because of ------

SO I can say OOOO.. Ok so thats what that is.. Now I know..

Think of it as, lets say you've never seen a grape before, I show you a grape you ask me whats that? I say its a grape you eat it.. You now understand what it is... SO next time you will know what the grape is..

But if you saw a grape alone, and no one told you or explained it to you.. What do you think? What is this? What do I do with it? Do I throw it? Is it poison? You know a million thoughts would go through your head..
Thats where I am at with emotions..

Im having all the feelings, I havent felt and I dont know what they are... Im trying to figure it out.. But I cant explain it, and no -one can explain it to me...

I need a book "Emotions for Dummies" lol

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posted June 24, 2011 01:27 AM            

I feel afraid my me.. in a way I guess.. I cant explain it.. I have no images, just racing thoughts that change ever min...