posted August 18, 2013 10:51 AM            

BACKSTORY: i have known this aqua man since 8th grade and we were good friends until he wanted to date me and i rejected him in an immature way. he refused to speak to me for 3 years and finally came around in college... we then started dating awhile after becoming friends again, the dating was long distance and lasted about a year and a half. we then had a falling out when he started dating someone new which i saw as deceitful because i thought we had something special. he didn't know i felt that way. anyway... 6 months after that he asked me to be friends again and so i agreed and things have been going well since then. we had been platonic friends for the past 2 months and he has seemed less aloof and flaky. But things got complicated when I saw him the other night....

Basically, i saw him a few nights ago before he left for school again (which is 5 hours from my school). We had the best time I think we’ve ever had – conversation was constantly flowing. We hung out with his friends, played some pool, and then eventually went up to his room to listen to music. It was very late and we were both laying on his futon listening to a song. we were just talking about life and people and such and then he started kissing me.

I can’t say I didn’t want to kiss him, so I kissed him back and it lasted for about 20 minutes. he started teasing me about being ticklish and such and we continued making out. But i knew in my mind it couldn’t go any further, even though I wanted it to.

So I stopped him and I asked him “is this the whole reason you wanted to be friends with me again? was it to see if you could get me to sleep with you again?” he said “not at all, i just got caught up in the moment” so i asked why he wanted to be friends again in the first place. he responded that he missed me and i was always so good to him and he loves hanging out with me and that he’s super attracted to me.

We ended up talking more about the past and how i felt like he used me before. He said that was never his intention and he has a lot of trouble with thinking about other people. he also told me that he cares too much about our friendship to let that happen again and he never wants me to feel that way.

So i started asking him what he truly feels about me. I told him “you can’t hurt me any more than you already have in the past, and this is your one chance, so just tell me the truth”. he said i’m the only ex girlfriend he still talks to and that i’m the “realest person he knows” (still wondering what that really means lol) and that i’m super generous and attractive and we always have a great time together.

so then i asked “what’s the problem then? i’m good enough to hook up with and hang out with but not to date?” and this was the PIVOTAL moment of the conversation. he told me that’s not it at all and that when he thinks about it, it’s really confusing in his head. he finally admitted “i’m afraid to like you” and i asked why? and he said it’s because of what happened back in our freshman year of high school! (this was 7 years ago… but basically what happened is we were good friends and he said he thought he was falling in love with me and then he asked me out and i told him i was dating someone else when i wasn’t. i did this because i thought it would be easier than just rejecting him. he talked to the other guy i said i was dating and the guy told him we weren’t dating. he felt like a complete loser and REFUSED to speak to me no matter how hard i tried for the rest of high school)

anyway…. so i guess he associates falling in love with me as pain and rejection and maybe it makes him feel like that loser he thought he was back then? i don’t know. but we talked for awhile more and then i had to go. he hugged me (which he never really does) and brushed my hair out of my face. then i left and on my way home he texted me telling me to get home safe. we had possible plans to see each other a few days later but he never texted me and i didnt text him.

I'm so confused and I don't even know what to think. I don't know what to do

posted August 18, 2013 11:25 AM            

I'll tell you what I think.
If he's able to have sex with you while not being committed to you. If he's able to even Try to have sex with you while not being in a committed relationship to you, knowing that this will make you attached, probably, as a female..I'm sorry but I would not date him. If he were as crazy about you as he says, not only would he have gotten over the whole immature rejection thing at the excitement that you seemed to be starting to really like him all of this time, but he Also would not have been able to do these intimate things with you before being committed. Out of his love and respect for you, he would've wanted to solidify the relationship first, to make it fair for Everyone involved.
I think he does like you, but does not know any better, and does not know a thing about love, because he is sick and perverted...like most guys are. Because they have been socialized that way since very young, unfortunately.

I'm sorry but I would let him go and find a good guy who wouldn't try to get physical things from me without being in a committed relationship first. And by the way, physical things mean very little without dedication and commitment behind them, because you need those two things to build trust, and you need trust to be able to completely surrender in physical intimacy. For trust to build you need a solid history of dedication and commitment, for love to be strong and strongly expressed in physical intimacy then you need this kind of stable history of dedication and commitment beforehand.

And with that I'd say it'd be a great idea to post the composite because then I'd be even better able to judge if it's true love.

posted August 18, 2013 01:22 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Jkitty:
RAS, you display a lot of wisdom. I've got nothing to add. I think you've said it all very well.

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posted August 18, 2013 01:46 PM            

Think about what kind of world this would be if all women made a pact to refrain from giving guys any sex until the man treated them right and committed. We wouldn't be seeing so much immaturity in men.

I agree with you that too many guys are way too juvenile in their behavior. But I don't feel that it's right to put all the blame on the guys. As long as we females are willing to accept bad behavior, guys will continue to be that way. Once enough women realize that we're enabling their bad behavior, we will see them change back to how it used to be with most of them becoming men and not just aging boys.

Meanwhile, those of us who know better need to stand together and encourage each other to stay strong. We need to be leaders and not followers. We need to get the word out to the other women/girls out there and give them hope that it doesn't need to stay this way.

Things were very different just a few generations back. Then the "sexual revolution" came along. Women thought that birth control enabled them to be just as sexual as men without consequence. However the consequence turned out to be more than unwanted pregnancy. The consequence is that men no longer need to grow up before they can get sex from women without having to pay for it. Now we're seeing the result.

Guys NEED women to remain unwilling to give them sex without FIRST getting a bona fide commitment from them. This is the only way to get most males to develop a capacity to love. Sadly, too many women are afraid to lose some immature brat to another woman. I say, let that other woman deal with the heartache of being treated like sh*t by the guy. She can have the stds and unplanned pregnancies. I'd rather have my self respect.

posted August 18, 2013 01:53 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Jkitty:
RAS, I agree. People (guys and girls too) don't "grow up" any more than they are required to. If they can get away with immature behavior, get what they want for free, the chances are good that they will try to until the consequences catch up with them.

Think about what kind of world this would be if all women made a pact to refrain from giving guys any sex until the man treated them right and committed. We wouldn't be seeing so much immaturity in men.

I agree with you that too many guys are way too juvenile in their behavior. But I don't feel that it's right to put all the blame on the guys. As long as we females are willing to accept bad behavior, guys will continue to be that way. Once enough women realize that we're enabling their bad behavior, we will see them change back to how it used to be with most of them becoming men and not just aging boys.

Meanwhile, those of us who know better need to stand together and encourage each other to stay strong. We need to be leaders and not followers. We need to get the word out to the other women/girls out there and give them hope that it doesn't need to stay this way.

Things were very different just a few generations back. Then the "sexual revolution" came along. Women thought that birth control enabled them to be just as sexual as men without consequence. However the consequence turned out to be more than unwanted pregnancy. The consequence is that men no longer need to grow up before they can get sex from women without having to pay for it. Now we're seeing the result.

Guys NEED women to remain unwilling to give them sex without FIRST getting a bona fide commitment from them. This is the only way to get most males to develop a capacity to love. Sadly, too many women are afraid to lose some immature brat to another woman. I say, let that other woman deal with the heartache of being treated like sh*t by the guy. She can have the stds and unplanned pregnancies. I'd rather have my self respect.

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**BRAVO**