posted January 12, 2016 09:39 PM            

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Originally posted by Mergoatsun:
For me, I would call it both self-destructive behavior and fulfilling a need without the heaviness of a relationship. I would only call my behavior self-destructive because at the same time of me trying to fulfill a need, I was trying to have intimacy with men who were not right for me.

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posted January 12, 2016 09:44 PM            

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Originally posted by Gemini30:
Do you find yourself regretting that time period? Or is casual sex something that is appealing to you when times are tough?

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I don't regret it at all! It was actually very freeing for me, and I enjoyed the intellectual connections I had with some of them. I actually stayed friends with a few of them. It released a lot for me, maybe it's my Cap Mars talking but sex releases a lot of my pent up energy and emotions. As soon as I had a wild phase I took time to self-reflect and analyze what I really wanted in life, for myself to move on and become a better person. Right after that I met the love of my love and the person I'm with right now, and we just took a big relationship step!

posted January 12, 2016 09:53 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by LittleBlackCat:
Is that so? That's interesting. The thing is I have no interest in simple relationships. I love with the obsession and depth of a thousand romantic poets. Knowing this I let few in my world. I have only been emotionally involved with 3 guys, have only dated 2 of those 3, and have had sex with 0. And if I'm with you cheating on you is not even a possibility. Therefore, if I let u in my world I have granted you access only few in this life will ever know and if you hurt me you will become the object of my obsessive pain driven wrath.

Even as I do awful things I will still love them deeply, but my heart is to be felt when alone in my room. Out in the world I have to give ppl what they deserve and make them feel my pain. My idea of letting one of them know I had any love left was by calling from an anonymous number and playing really melancholy/ creepy chords on my piano. My broken heart in musical form. Oddly enough he didn't hang up...listened to my playing for almost half an hour without saying a word. Weird considering he didn't know I played piano.

Sag Sun (1st house). Sag Venus (1st house). Gem Moon (8th house). Gem Mars Rx (7th). Leo Jupiter (9th). Scorpio Asc. Conj. Pluto in Scorp (house 12) .The rest is all Cap (2nd house).

Lilth is conj. (cazimi) my Sun
Chiron in the 8th

My chart :
http://i64.tinypic.com/b4fds0.gif

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posted January 12, 2016 09:55 PM            

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Originally posted by Elysia:
Don't even want to dip my toes in this.

I had one several years ago, still not 'taking it' well.

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On the plus side, I'm at least out of Zombie phase.

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posted January 12, 2016 09:56 PM            

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Originally posted by pire:

Hurt is a blessing. Sure, it doesn't feel like it. But be proud and HAPPY to feel like it. It is a blessing in disguise. ( not looking for it, but appreciating it for what it is. My heart goes to everyone who felt a heart break )

Sadness is a blessing, Lykke Li

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my wounded rhymes make silent cries tonight

I often feel like the girl whose joy or pain has driven her to dance in the middle of the room while the others keep it together. I let the emotions spin me round and round; right hand turned up, left hand turned down, and I wonder how everyone else can keep from spinning too.

Sadness it is a blessing. No one person can give me complete eternal love, but sometimes I get a glimpse of it (Psyche conjunct Dsc?). Something the soul recognizes, and wakes up to; "paradise lost" has been found... and then it's gone. And now I'm awake, teary eyed, broken hearted and conscious, but thank god I'm conscious.

quote:

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Veridis quo, Daft Punk

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Don't know this one, but I got lost in a brain storm listening. Great for work.

posted January 12, 2016 09:57 PM            

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Originally posted by Mergoatsun:
I don't regret it at all! It was actually very freeing for me, and I enjoyed the intellectual connections I had with some of them. I actually stayed friends with a few of them. It released a lot for me, maybe it's my Cap Mars talking but sex releases a lot of my pent up energy and emotions. As soon as I had a wild phase I took time to self-reflect and analyze what I really wanted in life, for myself to move on and become a better person. Right after that I met the love of my love and the person I'm with right now, and we just took a big relationship step!

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posted January 12, 2016 10:05 PM            

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Originally posted by Astrowolf:
I'm a sag, scorpio moon, libra venus

Recently got dumped out of a ~10 year relationship. I was away at school for 8 weeks this summer and it happened right when I got back. Got totally blindsided by it. I was calling her on the phone in every connecting airport really excited to see her and she played along. In retrospect there were some signs that things were weird, but I didn't pick up on them at the time. It hurt a lot. I did a lot of crying and screaming in the car by myself. Started smoking cigarettes again. Failed all my classes. Wrote a few psycho letters. Wanted to jump in the river. At the same time part of me was thinking "Wow, what a life experience! I'm learning a lot from this. And it opens up the door for new adventures." So yeah a kinda back and forth sag-scorpio dynamic.

I think it was probably meant to go this way. My chiron is direct conjunct her sun and I've read that aspect is pretty funky for intimate relationships. I still wake up crying some days though. She accused me of being emotionally abusive and gaslighting her which feels really bad. I'm not faultless, but I don't think that is fair at all. I often think, "How did this happen? Earlier this summer we were playing frisbee and going for walks and planning a future together." It seemed happy to me. She has a 8th house stellium so I guess more was going on beneath the surface than I realized.

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posted January 12, 2016 10:06 PM            

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Originally posted by Faith:

When I try and connect with the energy of that ending that was worst, I imagine myself almost like a tornado wanting to destroy everything in its path. I guess I was a she-devil, but a repressed one....mmmm, within the compressor of my saturnine heart it all became a manageably small sentiment...just something like...well, hell will freeze over before I make [b]that mistake again.
[/B]

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But it's a good feeling, right? When Saturn is involved? It's stabilizing. Saturn sextiles Venus in my chart....but the Pluto square to Venus is tighter... I have to explore the ends of the universe in my heart, and draw the line between existence and nonexistence, before I can find solid ground on earth again- Pluto, I guess.

Don't mean to be dramatic, just feel like talking the way I actually think and talk tonight 😃

posted January 12, 2016 10:18 PM            

So I dump people I am already committed to and attached to that I am in love with bc mercury rx and that square to neptune are F****** with my head making me make stupid decisions, well that whole tsquare really, the placements and the rulers and southnode conjunct AC...

So if you don't measure up to my unrealistic ideals (square to neptune) I second guess the relationship (mercury rx ruler of the 7th) and break up on impulse instead of communicating and working things out (southnode in Sag in the 12th conjunct AC).

So I regret it, have a hard time letting go and forgetting, I assume that venus and mars in Leo in the 8th is why is hard to let go..

posted January 12, 2016 10:33 PM            

... The whole thing looks so different in different lights. I still don't understand it.

posted January 12, 2016 11:28 PM            

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Originally posted by Faith:
^ I'm leaving and taking my post with me!

ttyl

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I read your post before you edited.

Something about the unexplored possibilities, or the breakups where I chose my pride or dignity even over trying/trying one more time, earns those relationships a sort of legend that haunts me. I'll face loss and humiliation before the haunting.

Okay. Good night

edit: See my little red heart above? I learned from you just now 😊

posted January 12, 2016 11:46 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by LittleBlackCat:
The thing is I have no interest in simple relationships. I love with the obsession and depth of a thousand romantic poets. Knowing this I let few in my world. I have only been emotionally involved with 3 guys, have only dated 2 of those 3, and have had sex with 0. And if I'm with you cheating on you is not even a possibility. Therefore, if I let u in my world I have granted you access only few in this life will ever know and if you hurt me you will become the object of my obsessive pain driven wrath.

Even as I do awful things I will still love them deeply, but my heart is to be felt when alone in my room. Out in the world I have to give ppl what they deserve and make them feel my pain. My idea of letting one of them know I had any love left was by calling from an anonymous number and playing really melancholy/ creepy chords on my piano. My broken heart in musical form. Oddly enough he didn't hang up...listened to my playing for almost half an hour without saying a word. Weird considering he didn't know I played piano.

Sag Sun (1st house). Sag Venus (1st house). Gem Moon (8th house). Gem Mars Rx (7th). Leo Jupiter (9th). Scorpio Asc. Conj. Pluto in Scorp (house 12) .The rest is all Cap (2nd house).

Lilth is conj. (cazimi) my Sun
Chiron in the 8th

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Thanks for sharing (and I do appreciate your honesty).

Going by this, you're not as a like to the one I'm thinking of as I thought. The one I'm thinking of is much more diabolical and cruel...frankly, I'm surprised she's still alive, and I know Dad made at least one serious attempt to kill her. She pretty much thinks the entire world deserves her contempt, but her vengeance is, of course, focused on those she knows, especially those she actually allowed herself to become vulnerable to.

posted January 13, 2016 12:51 AM            

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Originally posted by hypatia238:
I deal badly with breakups apparently yet I have never been dumped, I have always done the dumping. I have impulse dumping disorder brought to me by Moon in the 3rd ruling my 8th and opposing my mercury Rx which rules my 7th and my moon square neptune in the 1st conjunct AC.

So I dump people I am already committed to and attached to that I am in love with bc mercury rx and that square to neptune are F****** with my head making me make stupid decisions, well that whole tsquare really, the placements and the rulers and southnode conjunct AC...

So if you don't measure up to my unrealistic ideals (square to neptune) I second guess the relationship (mercury rx ruler of the 7th) and break up on impulse instead of communicating and working things out (southnode in Sag in the 12th conjunct AC).

So I regret it, have a hard time letting go and forgetting, I assume that venus and mars in Leo in the 8th is why is hard to let go..

Anyways I have come a long way though..

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I would add that I have an 8th cups in cancer which makes it so old attachments/memories are comforting so people that I have truly bonded with I always carry with me forward bc thinking of them gives purpose and comfort to my life as they are part of who I am and my history. I also have asteroid nostalgia right on my AC.

posted January 13, 2016 01:22 AM            

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Originally posted by Aqualilith09:
Aw :/ sucks. I hope you heal from this. What are your placements? Or what do you think contributes to this?

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Thank you, Aqua.
Not sure which of my placements to attribute to this. I have venus in the 7th, and the ruler of the 7th in the 8th. Or maybe it's my 12th house moon, sq. pluto. Or maybe it's the 8th house sun, merc, mars that have a hard time letting things go.

Point is, I don't form attachments easily. But once I do, detaching is equally (or more) difficult.

posted January 13, 2016 01:44 AM            

It's hard when people want to talk about it, for their own closure. I think Virgo is one of the few signs capable of compartmentalizing their lives. Once I'm in work mode, I don't really want to venture back into relationship/love mode, especially if I'm trying to move on from that area. That's not to say that I'm unemotional or cold - I have an emotional intensity that rivals that of Scorpio. I just choose when and where I show it (mostly - I am a Pisces ASC and I still bawl during moments like sad movies, and then everyone else is like, stunned). I do kind of resent people who try to pry it out of me at a moment's notice, though. I'm not emotional on your time, you know? Or because you want me to be.

That's why it's easier to just move on and wrap my head around something else for a while. I'll cry about it later, in the privacy of my own home.

posted January 13, 2016 04:06 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Astrowolf:

I'm not faultless, but I don't think that is fair at all. I often think, "How did this happen? Earlier this summer we were playing frisbee and going for walks and surplanning a future together." It seemed happy to me. She has a 8th house stellium so I guess more was going on beneath the surface than I realized.

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Speaking as another 8th house stellium, I can say - yes, for sure there must have been a lot going on beneath the surface. My ex was often surprised at the force and depth of my feelings when I expressed them. I guess we expect the S.O. to intuit our feelings and respond to that, not our words. Which may be misleadingly calm or even cheerful.

Probably not fair to the other person, you can't very well stick electrodes in our brains to find out. Keeping your eyes open for the subtle clues helps though.

I'm sorry things went down the way they did with your ex. Sucks to be blindsided like that. Hope you're doing well now.

posted January 13, 2016 04:08 AM            

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Originally posted by Faith:
That's the only time I can recall being vindictive, and that's one of the only times I actually, deeply cared.

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That's the weird phenomena of it. Certain behavior can come out when a part of your heart gets touched that was previously protected or not involved. lol @ the lilith comment but that grand trine must be really interesting.

@Elysia: You are right, and it goes right along with the Faith reply above. It can happen when you care deeply. It does hurt me in a way during the process but only due to the fact that things got that bad to begin with. As in, why did they have to be messed up and make me desire to do that to them when all I ever rlly wanted was to love them. So many times I've fantasized about things being good with a person in the midst of doing destructive things to them based on their behavior smh.

@Violets: What you said about it needing to end a particular way is exactly how I tend to feel...in those EXACT words. Wow it really must be a Plutonian/Lilith person thing. Don't worry, I believe that over time our ability to handle such situations becomes spiritually elevated. It will be neither "normal" nor destructive, but literally our own brand of psychological/emotional understanding that will heal us instead of hurt us.

posted January 13, 2016 08:49 AM            

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Originally posted by LittleBlackCat:
That's the weird phenomena of it. Certain behavior can come out when a part of your heart gets touched that was previously protected or not involved.

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Yeah I think love makes people crazy.

quote:

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Originally posted by LittleBlackCat:
...that grand trine must be really interesting.

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posted January 13, 2016 09:01 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by venus2tinkerbell:
Something about the unexplored possibilities, or the breakups where I chose my pride or dignity even over trying/trying one more time, earns those relationships a sort of legend that haunts me. I'll face loss and humiliation before the haunting.

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Yes you caught the "hauntedness" of my story. Did I end it out of pride? Maybe self-respect is more like it. This is such a long story.

posted January 13, 2016 09:18 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by LittleBlackCat:

@Violets: What you said about it needing to end a particular way is exactly how I tend to feel...in those EXACT words. Wow it really must be a Plutonian/Lilith person thing. Don't worry, I believe that over time our ability to handle such situations becomes spiritually elevated. It will be neither "normal" nor destructive, but literally our own brand of psychological/emotional understanding that will heal us instead of hurt us.

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It's refreshing to know that I'm not the only one, lol.

I have occasionally had experiences where someone leaving me prompted a sort of Phoenix rising from the ashes scenario, in the sense that I rose above the situation almost out of spite, or at least out of necessity.

posted January 13, 2016 01:25 PM            

It's worse when I'm dumped, but I have done the dumping twice. Strangely, I can't remember why I did it the first time. All I remember is I was like 12 and horribly immature regarding how I did it.

Even if I do the dumping, I still take a break-up very hard. I mean, my last relationship ended on my terms and I went through a period of grief over it. I didn't love the guy anymore, but I was sure my love life had ended for good. At 21, I must emphasize. The reason why is I'm pretty isolated and back then I was not the greatest person. I was also sleep-deprived and struggling to find out what kept making me so exhausted. You can imagine how tough it was to leave my ex when he wouldn't even say "hello" to me on some days and I couldn't even stay up for 5 hours at one point.

So, yea, I treat a break-up like it's the end of the world. Maybe it's my Scorpio Ascendant. I have a bunch of Earth signs in my natal chart but not many placements in water signs. I think water signs are the most vulnerable to acting the way I do when I experience a break-up. I'm not sure a Scorpio Ascendant would act like it's the end of the world though. Maybe it's my Gemini Moon? Do Gemini Moons do that? Uh...yea, I'm not sure. I imagine relationships aren't their area of expertise though.

Edit: It could be my Taurus Sun and Taurus Venus that makes me have a hard time breaking up with people. I do "hold on" and Taurus is a fixed sign, so I imagine they don't let go easily. Still, I doubt they act like the world is ending when a break-up happens.