posted January 17, 2016 11:00 PM            

When I started, I was around 14. I didn't know anybody else who did it. Nobody - none of my family or the few friends I had - had any idea that I was doing it. I didn't want anybody to know about it. I was just in a lot of pain. I didn't have a lot of friends in middle school or high school, and then I ended up dropping out of high school due to circumstances outside my control. My extended family ostracized me for doing that, so I was pretty lonely. If it's not already obvious from my birth chart I posted above, success, especially professional success, means a lot to me. I thought my chances of becoming anything great were gone.

Some generally crappy things that happened along the way, too. I was abused, harassed, bullied...I had cried so much about it, been so angry about it, I was actually pretty numb. Cutting made me feel better for a little while, but then I would have to hide it. Luckily it only lasted maybe 3 years, and then I never did it again. I didn't exactly make peace with what happened (I'm not really sure there's any peace to be found in something like that), but I found a way to keep my head down and focus on making the situation better the best way I could.

Here's a chart from around the time I started:

Around the time I stopped:

posted January 17, 2016 11:06 PM            

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posted January 17, 2016 11:10 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
You have an amazing Yod. You were made for a specific and unique purpose. The Yod is called the Finger of God.

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posted January 18, 2016 09:43 AM            

I started to cut myself to relieve the pain I was going through. I was depressed, socially isolated, and I was lonely. Extremely lonely, because I was getting bullied and had no friends. I started when I was 12 and I have to admit that I have cut within the past year. It wasn't as bad as in my teenage years though.

The last time I cut, it had to do with calming down from being angry. I sometimes get so angry I can't control my emotions and when I cut I feel like I have control again. It's a bad, bad habit, so I'm trying to break it like I said. Even after all these years, I get the urge when my emotions are really intense. I experience a weird sensation in the areas I used to cut in that seems to beckon me to do it again. Since I'm trying to break the habit for good, I continue to struggle against the urge to do it.

Even now I'm struggling, because for the first time in ages I feel abandoned and unimportant. I have been successful at coping so far though.

posted January 18, 2016 09:59 AM            

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posted January 19, 2016 02:29 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Lerena:
I used to cut. Now I'm trying to break the habit, but it is difficult. When I'm emotionally unwell, sometimes I still want to do it. I resist the urge though and try to cope without doing it.

I started to cut myself to relieve the pain I was going through. I was depressed, socially isolated, and I was lonely. Extremely lonely, because I was getting bullied and had no friends. I started when I was 12 and I have to admit that I have cut within the past year. It wasn't as bad as in my teenage years though.

The last time I cut, it had to do with calming down from being angry. I sometimes get so angry I can't control my emotions and when I cut I feel like I have control again. It's a bad, bad habit, so I'm trying to break it like I said. Even after all these years, I get the urge when my emotions are really intense. I experience a weird sensation in the areas I used to cut in that seems to beckon me to do it again. Since I'm trying to break the habit for good, I continue to struggle against the urge to do it.

Even now I'm struggling, because for the first time in ages I feel abandoned and unimportant. I have been successful at coping so far though.

[/IMG]

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Lerena thanks for sharing, that was super insightful seeing the different layers that contribute for you to doing this. I found it very interesting how you feel that it helps you regain control from feeling extreme anger. I feel women are conditioned to feel is not appropriate to express anger so maybe that is part of why is more common in girls to cut. Also when we are teens is when we feel we have the least control in our lives and we are also undergoing all these hormonal changes and learning the harsh realities of the world as we start to think in abstract terms and think for ourselves.

Perhaps instead of cutting you can get the same rush by kick boxing or via some other type of exercise like spinning but I suppose the cutting gives more instant gratification while exercise you would need to put in at least 30 minutes to get that rush of endorphins however exercise will be more empowering and so worth it. Perhaps martial arts is another good option.

Thanks for your honesty, its beginning to make more sense why is more common in girls since they are conditioned to feel they must repress their anger. Chiron aspecting mars is rough though and then in combo with mars square moon, I feel you. I cant imagine how irritating and painful the anger you feel must be. I had transit mars squaring chiron and saturn briefly and it was rough, like yes I wanted to rip of my skin bc I was feeling angry, irritated and pain all at once and it felt like it was not going away.

posted January 19, 2016 04:14 PM            

I truly hope you find the peace you seek some day.

Thanks for the onset transit chart and the transit chart for when you stopped. I will check out and comment on later. I appreciate it a lot you sharing all this.

posted January 19, 2016 08:04 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by midnightcatqueen:
I did when i was 12-14.
I was suicidal and very hateful of everyone including myself. I did it mostly for damage control but i never could get into it for real. And what i mean by that is, I'm not masochistic.. I'm more of a happy sadist. I.learned to turn the knife outward instead of inward and it's much better that way since i learned how to love myself better than anyone else can.
I have a Cap Moon conjunct Neptune and Uranus in the 9th so that should tell you something about the plight of my childhood psyche.

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posted January 19, 2016 08:08 PM            

See if you have the asteroid Sado in a prominent place.

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posted January 19, 2016 08:57 PM            

What i mean by damage control is just that.... there was too much sadness i had to deal with on my own and couldn't control it.. hurting myself never felt good but i did it anyway just to test it out and see if fits as a coping mechanism...and i was already hurting from my family and.just life in general. They didn't treat me decent so i didn't treat myself decently. Once i moved away at 14 it was just me and my mother and she was never really around so the hurting of myself dissipated and i felt it more easier to understand myself and my pain ...but by then i was truly misanthropic and could never allow anyone to hurt me to that point of cutting or any self destructive thing to myself.
I don't loathe myself as a sadist at all...so i am a big advocate of loving yourself instead of destroying yourself because others are destroying you. In my POV, it's kill or be killed if you ain't dead already.
Sometimes i tell my low self esteem friends they better love themselves and refuse to give into their pity parties and force them to say nice things about themselves in front of me. In my eyes, i guess i show off as I'm going to love myself till it hurts and you better too!

And hey Ami! Ill check that asteroid and see where it lies.

posted January 19, 2016 09:10 PM            

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posted January 20, 2016 01:23 PM            

I have Sado square Sun by 1d and I am very far from sadistic. Perhaps the square means I don't embrace that side of me which I am very cool with.

posted January 20, 2016 04:22 PM            

That which conjuncts Saturn is that with which we struggle.

What do you mean the stage?

Are you an actress?

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posted January 20, 2016 04:49 PM            

And by stage I mean yes, a real stage. I'm an artist and i do literary performances with or without music. I have a band right now and my next venture is going to be another band but more song writing than just literary prose.
I guess i struggled with my writing since i was a child because i would get criticized a lot by my family when they snooped around my things. By 17 i couldn't hold it in anymore and by 18 i wad taking it to the stage and still do today.. i have a show next week as a matter of fact.
And i seriously can't wait to scream in people's faces through a microphone the words i feel i must say.

posted January 20, 2016 05:41 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by midnightcatqueen:
No prob hypatia.

And by stage I mean yes, a real stage. I'm an artist and i do literary performances with or without music. I have a band right now and my next venture is going to be another band but more song writing than just literary prose.
I guess i struggled with my writing since i was a child because i would get criticized a lot by my family when they snooped around my things. By 17 i couldn't hold it in anymore and by 18 i wad taking it to the stage and still do today.. i have a show next week as a matter of fact.
And i seriously can't wait to scream in people's faces through a microphone the words i feel i must say.

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posted January 20, 2016 06:04 PM            

Do you have any U tube videos?

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posted January 20, 2016 07:32 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by hypatia238:
That is a wonderful outlet for emotional release! I am so glad you became an artist.

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Thanks.. my Venus chart ruler in the 5th house wouldn't have it any other way!

posted January 21, 2016 04:12 AM            

Could you remove the quote from my post in your reply? I actually asked that nobody quote it in the beginning of my response.