posted October 23, 2018 08:46 AM            

You being likeable, soothing, laid back, and a good company are all Libra like which is very strong in your chart and preety obvious to anyone since Venus is strong in Libra it rules your Libra ASC and is conjuct your ASc too.
However Libras aren't ones to really understand.. it's more like they agree with everyone in order to keep them peaceful and avoid friction. Your Moon in Aries makes this even worse. The only thing that could make you look like that or even feel like that at least in the beginning is Pluto in 1st H.

it's also gotten to weird places though with people i dont know offering me drugs, housing, money, gifts etc for sex and telling me they love me without really knowing me just because theyre attracted to me, having people just grope me etc

Being attractive definately helps until a point unless it leads to extreme situations.
Heavy Libra may make you naturally attractive but what you describing is more of a Pluto in a 1st and Mars in Capricorn. I don't kniw if you realise how strong Mars in Capricorn and Scorpio is for men. I know a few who don't really have any charming aspects just a Mars in Scorpio/Capricorn and they have some kind of charm that diesn't have anything to do with their looks.
Pluto in your 1st if you had Scorpio ASC wouldn't be that positive by itself. It would make you magnetic for some but scary-repulsive for some others. In this case because of your Libra ASC which is airy and soft Pluto's intensity works in a more positive way by being less scary but adding the Pluto charm making you more magnetic than just attractive.

I've had similar reactions with others feeling like being in love without actually knowing me just because of looks.
Personally it hurts me how people use words like love so superficially, and it kind of hurts that they are so blinded by the external appearence to that point, they just see what they want to see in you and they are already in love witht bat before they actually get to know you.
Some find this positive, it personally makes me sad. How do you feel about it when others act like that?

with death i guess i see things very differently than you in nearly all cases

Yes, that's completely ok. It doesn't mran someone is right and someon is wrong ee're just different.

I don't mean of course to live your life doing what others want you to do. And I don't expect others to do the things I do for them or being as considerate.
I think of how something I want to do eill affect others if it's serious.
For example before my dad died I wouldn't give a $h*t about my mom shouting and crying bacause she didn't want me to go 3 hours far from home for 6 months for a job. She is that kind of type. She said that she didn't want to stay alone even though she had my dad and he was healthy. But now that my dad isn't alive I can't leave her alone.

When something affects too much I'm thinking of others too.

I wouldn't care if let's say my mom disliked a man I choose to be with, however. if for some reason I choose a thieve or a violent person I won't bring him into my home as I would do with someone less dangerous becaus it may put people close to me in danger too.
So it may be my choice but since it affects others I will think of others too in cases like these ones.

Just because I may be more emotional/responsible/mature or whatever else it doesn't mean that you are selfish or immature. Actually I don't value those personality traits tgat are considered generally good as much. The only good thing is that I haven't been in trouble and I haven't caused much trouble for others.
However I still have a few health problems even though I am so careful and other non health problems out of nowhere so even with those personality traits (being responsible careful and blah blah). So at least in your case you had some fun and even though drugs definately didn't help or may even made it worse to some extent (the lyme) you never know what could have hapoened even if you didn't do drugs.
I bith understand and I kind of like your approach even though I am different naturally.

also funny that you mention the family thing, i'm not particularly close to my family and i'm largely indifferent towards them but my fiancee and some friends on the other hand are different

That is smth that I have observed for many years it occured pretty early to me (maybe because I have some heavy libra relatives that I've known forever) and U've tbought about it many times. Some of them have a good reason to be cold with their relatives but most of them really don't. There are many people who are cold or dislike maybe even hate their relatives but I find it very similar the way Libras are indiferrent to their families. I have searched quite a few of them to see their synastries with their parents and find some similarities. I also talked to them about how they feel for their parents. I feel it's a Libra thing and I'm wondering it if has to do with Libra ruling the 7th H naturally which is square the 4th H of family ruled by Cancer. Even though the same happens with the 10th H tuled by Capricorn.. Capricorn is way more easy for a Libra since they are both colder signs and can have more in common than Libra and Cancer which is very emotional and a water sign.

i can think of a couple drug use indicators you missed, but i won't point them out yet

I've had very easy finding heavy drug users, it was so obvious in their chart (talking about men) 80% of the time it had to do with Mars-Neptune or Mars weak in 12th H etc.
In your case I would have guessed just that you are doing occasionally mostly because of Libra in your chart but no way I would have guessed you were being such an extreme case.

Even though I know that about you now I still can't find something that would make me feel "yes! that's it!"
Even Pluto in 1st H isn't enough combined with Libra at least it doesn't click to me.
But your Venus (judging by my Uranus in 6th conjuctin my 7th H and me relating to both interpretations) is in 12th H of Pisces so that may add to the existing tendency.
Still it's not enough for me.

And you Mars conjucting Neptune is almost invalid not only it's a very loose aspect but it's also out of sign.

Jupiter in Pisces is smth that I didn't care for because Jupiter stays about a year in each sign and I bet that not all people born with Jupiter in Pisces are doing drugs.
What I didn't realise though yesterday is that your Jupiter (overindulging) in Pisces (drugs, alcohol, artistic hobbies etc which are all Piscean things) in 5th H (of fun, flirt, casual sex, creativity, children).

Neptune in 3rd H or Neptune Mercury aspects are not an indications of drug use in my experience.

I can't see it in your chart to that extent. I would assume that you do lighter drugs maybe often or you just do it ocasionally.
I can't see in your chart someone wgo really needs drugs. Well no one really needs them but most people I know are escapists and highly spiritual, they really suffer because of that and it's mostly like their soul that needs them.
In your case based on your chart I would assume that you just started it for fun you enjoyed it and you just overindulged (Piscean Jupiter in 5thH) and your body just got naturally addicted to it (Pluto in 1st H) so you went for heavier stuff and thrn much heavier and ended up where you ended up.

Still I am not satisfied.
Rember how I told you that I've even though not only of your Jupiter being in 5th H but also having Aqua in 5th H? I really thought of it. Although if I hadn't experienced Aqua DSC or Uranus in 7th H I would assume that it may also be your 7th H affected by Uranian energy. That's how I decided that it was your 5th H and not your 7th H having Uranus energy. Anyway your chart makes such perfect sense when it comes to your sexual life but it's not the same when it comes to your addiction.
I am kind if disappointed. All my happiness for guessing right many of your placements has been lost because I can't see anothe inmportant part of your life through your natal chart.

posted October 23, 2018 09:13 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Plut0nian2:

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i'll respond fully soon, but you missed the 2 indicators i would've thrown out immediately so i'll tell you them and maybe it'll cheer you up a little

one is my sun is both square saturn and trine neptune (retrograde neptune can make the drug thing worse) so it's being hit with a malefic and then it's easy aspect is a planet like neptune (which is also part of that minor trine of sun/neptune/pluto that i have) which makes my outlet those neptune sort of things

the other (and this is more of a vedic trick, but like i said where one system fails use the other) is that my moon is chilling with my north node (rahu) which can also create those addictive tendencies

so you missed 2 that i wouldve noticed quickly that i look for

i actually noticed quite a few indicators for drug use while reading about addiction in my own chart

whole sign houses show it a little better with my sun in 12th, but it's there regardless

edit: my neptune and mars are both in cap btw, not sure what you meant by "out of sign" because it's 9 degrees orb yeah but both cap

posted October 23, 2018 12:01 PM            

to be fair i said people say i understand them not that i necessarily actually do, though i'm more empathetic than you think and can usually feel what other people are feeling easily

rarely deeply but sometimes, i'm not one to cry but i have over things i've found dumb because my fiancee was deeply upset and i could feel it coming off her so strong it made me feel that upset for a second

i get over other people's feelings quickly because i get over my own quickly usually and theyre not mine

but i do feel and understand that sort of thing very easily whether or not it affects my actions

i can be cold, but im not that cold

it's more like i have an off switch

if i care i care very deeply and i'll be loyal for a long time especially if i promise something

i find it interesting that you said the thing about spirituality as if it isn't part of my life because it's esoteric experiences that led me to a place where i'm speaking to you right now

dreams and experiences and people ive met and so on

i have some heavy occult things going on actually 😂 and rituals and so on are also part of my sex life with my fiancee so it's actually really funny how you wouldnt guess that speaking to me

i've experienced a lot of strange things and i ran with it just to see what would happen and it's led to some interesting places

that's been my life aside from drugs

long story there, but anyway

my point is it's part of my life

anyway... when i interact with people im not really thinking about maintaining peace or anything really

i don't really think all that much before i do or say things if i even do, and even when i do think about things it's not what i'll end up saying whenever i say it

i think about what ive said after but im not usually trying to keep peace unless i have to because someone else has an issue

and even then i prefer to not do it in a way where i entirely back down and withdraw because the reality is i'm only going to be civil for other people not for me and whoever i have the issue with

and really i'd rather not fight unless it's fun for a minute once i'm bored of it i don't care anymore

you seem to be underestimating how little i think and anyway i'm used to people being like that since it's all i've experienced and it's only really when someone else points something out that i necessarily think about it

i guess because i don't really care i just figure that's how it goes there's other stuff that's more interesting

i don't scare people at all, strangers come up to me

when people do find me unapproachable they say it's because i look like i might be an ******* but those same people usually tell me that once they've gotten to know me and like me

i look younger than i am and there's something people find innocent which is sort of funny all things considered

sometimes i'll just talk about life with someone and i'll tell them something about my drug use or whatever and they'll be shocked

starts to feel like there's a painting of me somewhere that's getting all kinds of ****** up while people see something else

it works out, but it is sort of amusing

when it comes to the people who say love it all depends on what i feel towards them right away i suppose

99% of the time not cool with it, i find it weird and stupid and it makes me want to get away from the other person

but 1% if there's something i can feel there that's good then i'll run with it to see why i feel that pull

it doesnt make me sad though, curious or repulsed

the only thing that usually makes me sad with people is when an interaction is boring

why does it make you sad? it does cheapen the word unless something is there but them cheapening it isnt really all that sad to me it's their problem not mine

nothing to be sad about there i guess unless you get that sad about everything everyone else needs to go through and learn on their own

do you?

i would honestly leave my mother in either case, i wouldnt have a reason to stay and feel no obligation

though she would also tell me to leave and not take care of her if that was a thing anyway so it wouldnt even come up even if she did cry and was annoying about it

because that's how we are with each other

i guess i see it like it isnt fair to other people to have them do things just for me even though that's important so unless there's some deep betrayal there i don't see an issue

their lives shouldnt be for me unless mine is for them and that's not a good balance in a parent/child relationship

i get being there for someone when you can, but not if it interferes with your longterm unless theyre your longterm

i would drop anything for my fiancee, but she's different

my family? nah

i'll help them out and do things i dont feel like doing for them if they need it because it's right and fair and all that, but if i dont have to and i can avoid it i'd rather not

that's all just a whole weird mess of abuse and unhealthiness that i prefer to just not deal with as much as possible so i'm detached as much as i can be

when it comes to how i feel about my parents i'd say i don't dislike them and them being both happy and far away from me would be ideal

they were abusive and while i can sympathize because i understand they both have their own damage everyone does i don't like them in my life because i find it difficult to be around them

i can get along with them in short bursts but it's always been better to avoid them both as much as possible

and with my brothers... i get along with one well but we don't spend much time together and the other i don't really get along with at all and we're always fairly close to getting into a fight when we're around each other too long (my parents managed to have one of each fire moon, i get along better with my sag sun leo moon younger brother than i do my libra sun sag moon older one)

i'm unfortunate enough to be my mother's favorite (my father prefers both my brothers particularly my younger one) so that wasn't any fun growing up since my father was the more abusive one

my mother's openly said she wishes they were more like me and when things are bad or hard i'm usually the one who has to deal with it because she thinks both of my brothers are ultimately too weak emotionally for most things (her words not mine)

i can respect your outlook, i just wouldn't live the way you have

what are your health issues btw? if you don't mind me asking

this is all disjointed but i've been smoking weed and on/off writing this over the course of hours because i keep coming back to it sorry about that

already talked about some of the drug use indicators you missed

though i will say heroin was just mostly a mistake, i normally have better control and can quit when i have to or feel like it

usually cold turkey

it was also that when i would get close to quitting i would end up running into free drugs through people

when youre going through withdrawal and someone is handing you free heroin it's easier to stay on it than quit that's why i had to lock myself in an apartment then move to do it

never been to rehab, no methadone, no clinics or suboxone etc

i needed to quit, there was an opportunity for an out, so i took it and i quit

with the 5th house jupiter most of my life has been about partying or weird esoteric pursuits or drugs and music etc

it's about fun yeah

with heroin it was about fun and pain relief and then it was about withdrawal and not feeling dopesick and it always just being right there

i went to buy cigarettes once, 2nd day of withdrawal after being in the park smoking weed trying to just not it wasnt too bad because i had managed to wean down

next thing i know 2 of my dealers are telling me and the people i was with to get in the car because theyre bored and were driving around making deliveries wanted company

and then i was in east new york doing free bags of heroin thinking about how bad i needed to stop

things like that made it take a while, because when youre close with other users they'regoing to share and so on

when it comes to drugs i'll take anything, and it's not limited to just drugs it's sensations in general

posted October 24, 2018 03:24 PM            

I typed a huge answer and I lost it all.
Here I go again.

The more we "talk" the more I want to say and ask. And I get overwhelmed and all over the place and I forget to say/ask everything I had in mind. I have many question and at the same time I want to analyze some parts more in order to understand better. And my English isn't helping me in expressing my thoughts accurately.

- That is what I actually meant about others having the impression that you understand them, even if you don't. That's what Pluto in 1st does. I also believe that is what gives you the abillity to feel what others do. Unless you just think so.
My mom for example says the same but she actually s*cks at that big time. I am her child for 27 years and she couldn't be more far away from truth when she is guessing what irritates/disappoints me etc, even if it's the most obvious thing. She has this problem generally but it's pretty surprising when it comes to me (and my dad) because we're living under the same roof for so many years.. She should know the way we think and act by now naturally. Yet she thinks that she is so good at sensing others if you ask her lol.

Getting over your own feelings quickly = Aries Moon. which is double Aries energy since is squares your Mars too.

i find it interesting that you said the thing about spirituality as if it isn't part of my life because it's esoteric experiences that led me to a place where i'm speaking to you right now

dreams and experiences and people ive met and so on

i have some heavy occult things going on actually 😂 and rituals and so on are also part of my sex life with my fiancee so it's actually really funny how you wouldnt guess that speaking to me

i've experienced a lot of strange things and i ran with it just to see what would happen and it's led to some interesting places

that's been my life aside from drugs

long story there, but anyway

my point is it's part of my life

It depends on how each one defines spirituality, but now I want to know about the heavy occult things and that long story 😈.

anyway... when i interact with people im not really thinking about maintaining peace or anything really

i don't really think all that much before i do or say things if i even do, and even when i do think about things it's not what i'll end up saying whenever i say it

i think about what ive said after but im not usually trying to keep peace unless i have to because someone else has an issue

and even then i prefer to not do it in a way where i entirely back down and withdraw because the reality is i'm only going to be civil for other people not for me and whoever i have the issue with

and really i'd rather not fight unless it's fun for a minute once i'm bored of it i don't care anymore

you seem to be underestimating how little i think and anyway i'm used to people being like that since it's all i've experienced and it's only really when someone else points something out that i necessarily think about it

I find it pretty normal what you're saying here. I don't find it normal when people think of what to say and how to say it. I can't find a reason why someone would do it but it's kind of insincere.
Maybe it's your Leo Mercury? Because whatever planet is in Leo it's said to function from the heart. So your Mercury just says what it wants to say without thinking.

For Libras I meant that they do it naturally.. (avoiding friction etc)

i look younger than i am and there's something people find innocent which is sort of funny all things considered

sometimes i'll just talk about life with someone and i'll tell them something about my drug use or whatever and they'll be shocked

starts to feel like there's a painting of me somewhere that's getting all kinds of ****** up while people see something else

it works out, but it is sort of amusing

I know about Pisces/Cancer ASCs looking younger but I didn't think Libra ASC would too. Libra ASCs look pure not in a Pisces way.

when it comes to the people who say love it all depends on what i feel towards them right away i suppose

99% of the time not cool with it, i find it weird and stupid and it makes me want to get away from the other person

but 1% if there's something i can feel there that's good then i'll run with it to see why i feel that pull

it doesnt make me sad though, curious or repulsed

We probably feel the same. Maybe when you are not repulsed by someone is because you feel that they are not really attracted just to your looks but smth deeper than that and is mutual.

the only thing that usually makes me sad with people is when an interaction is boring

hahahahah
I find it funny that this makes you sad out of all possible things but it isn't surprising with all that 3rd H energy in there and your Mercury.

why does it make you sad? it does cheapen the word unless something is there but them cheapening it isnt really all that sad to me it's their problem not mine

nothing to be sad about there i guess unless you get that sad about everything everyone else needs to go through and learn on their own

do you?

Shallowness makes me sad
It was hard for me to accept that there are shallow people.
Liars too (they actually nake me angry and I can not respect them no matter what)
I naturally care about others and I have the urge to help them especially emotionally & mentally. I had to stop myself from overdoing it (it happened when T.Pluto conjucted my Neptune) so I guess it's true what they say about Pisces Moon.
I also am worried for the world.
It's getting worse rapidly, that's another thing that makes me sad.
I wish people realised how our actions are an example for others even if it's a subconscious procedure, everyone is good when it comes to words, most people know what is the right thing to say but words are weak, actions will always speak louder than words and they are the ones that will affect people in the end. Some are easily affected especially younger ones (kids/teens) those ones are the world's future.

********

When it comes to parents, your ideal is my ideal too especially when it cones to my mom (I wanted my dad in my life but I wouldn't care if I saw my mother once a year for a few days)
I can't leave her now though. Even though she makes my life even more difficult and she holds me back. I didn't care earlier when I had my dad but now it's different.
So I guess we're back to my Pisces Moon.
The way you see would act is right and normal. That's how it should be like.

when it comes to how i feel about my parents i'd say i don't dislike them and them being both happy and far away from me would be ideal

they were abusive and while i can sympathize because i understand they both have their own damage everyone does i don't like them in my life because i find it difficult to be around them

i can get along with them in short bursts but it's always been better to avoid them both as much as possible

That's exactly how I feel about my mother.
In what way have they been abusive?

and with my brothers... i get along with one well but we don't spend much time together and the other i don't really get along with at all and we're always fairly close to getting into a fight when we're around each other too long (my parents managed to have one of each fire moon, i get along better with my sag sun leo moon younger brother than i do my libra sun sag moon older one)

i'm unfortunate enough to be my mother's favorite (my father prefers both my brothers particularly my younger one) so that wasn't any fun growing up since my father was the more abusive one

Could that be explained by you Sun square. Saturn both representing native's father in a natal chart.

my mother's openly said she wishes they were more like me and when things are bad or hard i'm usually the one who has to deal with it because she thinks both of my brothers are ultimately too weak emotionally for most things (her words not mine)

😔 Same here although it may be for different reasons. According to what you're saying you are supposed to be the stronger one maybe because you appear cooler. It's unfair in many ways. Being strong/responsible/trustworthy/patient etc not only doesn't earn you anything good in life but it also burdens you.
There is a high chance your brothers just don't care and they make it appear like they are weaker emotionally just to not deal with hardships?

what are your health issues btw? if you don't mind me asking

I don't mind hormonal ones, stomach and heart. It takes me years especially for my heart since it is not a common issue to find out..
I am sure that I have another health issue because I have weird symptoms like feeling extremely cold and literally shaking even in the middle of the summer, getting tired too easily while doing simple things, feeling dizzy if I stand in the same place for a few minutes even though my blood and heart pressure is good (glycose levels too). Anyway I bet you are familiar with many symptoms yourself. Sometimes they are not that scary but they happen very often for long periods so they ruin your life even though by they don't appear to be life threatening and others they are indeed life threatening happening less frequently but making you sick for a longer period.

already talked about some of the drug use indicators you missed

Yes can you elaborate more on both of them?
How is Sun square Saturn and Sun trine Neptune an indication?
I've seen this combo with a sextile/conjuction instead of trine and the sun-saturn square.
Same question goes for Moon conjuct NN.

it was also that when i would get close to quitting i would end up running into free drugs through people

when youre going through withdrawal and someone is handing you free heroin it's easier to stay on it than quit that's why i had to lock myself in an apartment then move to do it

i went to buy cigarettes once, 2nd day of withdrawal after being in the park smoking weed trying to just not it wasnt too bad because i had managed to wean down

next thing i know 2 of my dealers are telling me and the people i was with to get in the car because theyre bored and were driving around making deliveries wanted company

things like that made it take a while, because when youre close with other users they'regoing to share and so on

This is so common that I don't think it's a coincidence. And it gets on my nerves how stubbornly others are trying in order to make you take drugs (at least that what happens to me and a few others in front of me).
But let's suppose that it was pure coincidence in your case, it's Jupiter in 5thH.. As they say for my Jup in 2nd H that you get lucky and whenever you don't have smth it magically finds you.. I wish it was true for me when it comes to money/material/food but it seems it is for you.

posted October 24, 2018 10:31 PM            

here's a novel for you:
i hate when i lose everything i write after it's been a lot, it's usually enough for me to just not bother with something anymore unless it feels important and even then i need to walk away for a bit usually

feel free to just ask things if you think of them even if it's out of context

your english is easy to understand so far, and i wouldnt have noticed tbh even if you phrased things wrong

as long as you can kind of get the idea i imagine i could figure it out i'm pretty good at that

language is more about expressing points then getting all the words right anyway so it's cool if youre unsure of something to just try

i'm always right when i feel something coming off of someone

easier when someone is in a room with me but they don't have to be

i dont just say it and insist, i usually dont say it i just react to it and then they'll tell me if something is wrong

people have told me i have a knack for getting in touch with them after theyve dreamt of me or thought about me

just how things are

i wouldnt assume something if i wasnt told it, but people tell me it often

i test it

i've learned to play with it and so on to some extent

it wouldnt really be fair or make any sense to assume i knew without feedback from the other person in some way

yeah i can be in the middle of having a fight with someone and then just be over it... find it all funny instead

this either works in my favor or it ****** the other person off and then i'll get annoyed again if they insist on continuing a fight then i will

my fiancee's gotten me to shut up while im ****** with sex before, that works too

or just have a fair point i'll shut up for that too

and even if im really sad about something i cant usually figure out a reason why it needs to matter if i can be happy otherwise and not really bother with it because life keeps going anyway

i can be very cold though, and detached when i need to be

i just will feel completely numb when things are bad

so i either get over things quickly in the sense where i'll move on and things are cool or all of it's dead to me and i dont give a **** either way the result is im over it

i suppose it does depend on how someone defines spirituality, but doesnt everything depend on the filter you see it through?

you really want the long story?

odd experiences my whole life with lucid dreams out of body experiences etc and so on i cant really remember it ever starting

deja vu during a vacation where i got drunk and was able to wander around a city id been in a couple days and not get lost becahse it felt like home when i was 18

all of this autowriting on my 22nd birthday that ended up starting to play out

when it happened i figured it was just the pcp but years later some of it ended up happening

and i met this woman (not my fiancee) i wrote about meeting and i learned a few things from her and she did this ritual i told her not to do

she wanted to explore the connection between us

and at the time i didn't really take her seriously because in spite of all of my experiences i'm not the sort of person who just accepts things

so i made a lot of jokes about stopping her and then one night i thought about telling her not to again then figured there was no point and it would just be weird

i was out having a cigarette, phone in my hand, and just... i started to text her some **** about how it was a bad idea while hoping her fiance wouldnt notice we were talking and let her look at her phone

and i got halfway through the text then figured **** it because it seemed stupid to just say it out of nowhere

we didnt talk that night and i didnt think about it

that night i dreamt i was on a beach with a turtle and the tide was coming in everything just stretched out forever in all directions while the sun set

and it was vivid, one of those dreams i could feel

i told her about it the next day, he was at work, she told me she did the ritual the night before

told me she remembered meeting me in another life and the connection we shared etc

i told her i didnt remember anything

i dreamt about the beach again that night, there was some sort of small stringed instrument in the sand with a peacock carved into it and the tide was coming in again but this time it was a little harsher, got a little closer to where i was

the next night i dreamt about the beach again

there was a tiger standing behind me, it wasnt aggressive it just watched when the tide swept me away

after that memories started, they were able to be dated and so on... lot of odd things with it doesnt matter

a few months into that i had a dream

the first thing that was odd about it was the deer

she taught me how to open my third eye (i had managed to do that on one of my birthdays, 25th) and one of the things that started when that happened was odd dreams about deer (does, stags, fawns) and experiences with them coming over to me (im from the city, but i dont live there and on/off left for a while before leaving altogether... more rural area now and then)

anyway there was a deer in this dream (this was around my 26th birthday, my birthday is weird every so often or the time around it) and i followed it to a temple covered in vines

inside it looked like there was a party going on frozen in time, more vines covering everything

statues made of petrified wood of women dancing with satyrs and centaurs playing instruments and drinking etc

and i woke up found it strange and i told her about it

she told me it was a calling dream said it was dionysus, i told her i knew fuckall about him other than alcohol she told me how to answer a calling dream and said to think about it

but i was drunk and high when she told me, so i didnt think about it

i just went and did it because the dream was weird and i wanted to see what would happen because idk i couldnt think of a reason not to and i was curious and didnt think that much before i did it other than i wanted to see

it was sort of like when i made napalm as a kid because i just wanted to see what lighting it on fire would look like

anywaythat resulted in a few dreams about accepting that i can only go forward on my path and that it's laid out for me or going crazy instead and then just life happening

things with that woman ended as strangely as they began and life went on but i kept digging where i could with the occult which wasnt much of anywhere really at the time

other than divination (i bought tarot cards because of a dream and then walking into a store and them being on display the same way they were in the dream so i learned them) and meditation which became hard after the intensity of everything she opened up

life just kind of went on i started learning mindfulness to deal with depression and dug deeper into different kinds of meditation to deal with pain because my health went to ****

then i met this other woman who had weird dreams that lined up with things from the memories i had

we spoke about them, she did all of this research

interpreted dreams for me etc and so on (she was really amazing and i should probably hit her up because i havent seen her since right after i got clean and i promised her i would) and she placed all the memories within this really specific time frame, we'd speak about patterns with the dreams and so on etc

i didnt really know what i was doing or how to proceed so i started learning astrology since that first woman i mentioned had been into it and i figured maybe i could meet another one who knew some of what i was talking about if i could actually offer something to a conversation aside from

"look at my chart please"

and then i started meeting people who were deeper into the occult who taught me things, sent me books (i still have a ton i need to go through) shared their experiences etc

and that was all going cool until i met these people i had some pretty ****** up memories about from that ritual (i use the word "memories" i dont actually define them as anything other than experiences of some sort)

and they started telling me some crazy things they believed about me based on their experiences and beliefs

so now that's all a weird mess i have to devote some of my life into every day 😂 while i proceed with things that are more interesting

that's the short version of the long story, i think i got most of it in there

i prefer sincere interactions too, seems like a waste of time otherwise and i'd rather not

i guess i dont mind insincerity if someone is otherwise entertaining though, but it depends on my mood and it isnt preferable

no one ever gets my age right, people significantly younger than me usually think we're the same age and people my age and older always treat me like i'm younger

it's odd, but i'd be lying if i said it wasnt convenient sometimes

and yeah, mutual depth in feelings like you said

sometimes there's an initial connection that's undeniable, but people who say that are usually just faking it

i find that more uncomfortable than anything but funny because i'd be a lot easier if they just said they wanted to have sex with me because they find me attractive instead of pretending to have feelings because i really dont need all that **** necessarily

i hate being bored, i don't hate many things more than i hate being bored

i've always figured everyone is sort of shallow and it's no big deal since that's only one quality anyway

it can be sad, but i mean... there's worse stuff

with lying i feel like, everyone lies on some level or misleads somehow it's a matter of how and when they do it and what comes with it that matters and even then i can move on and that one thing isnt going to affect how i see a person entirely

also i figure people change so who they are right now wont be who they might be in a year because life can change people quickly so it wouldnt be fair to lose respect for them based on one thing that doesnt even need to matter for very long

if i like them otherwise it's no big deal

i can handle most flaws

it is interesting isnt it? how disconnected people are from the reality of how connected everything and everyone is to each other

that's one of the first things i felt when i opened my 3rd eye, still havent been able to unfeel it

i think words can be just as loud as actions, it all has weight

i think a lot of people would stay, my mother took care of both my grandparents out of a sense of obligation

and i've seen a lot of people have a similar mindset as you

as for abuse in my childhood that's it's own long story it wasnt just my parents who were abusive and it was every kind of abuse (physical, emotional, verbal, sexaual...)

i had a feeling your mother was abusive on some level based on what you said just before about your father rather than her

the sun square saturn in my chart is pretty accurate, i'm the one my father doesnt like and he's open about it

me being my mother's favorite was partially just personality and a lot due to weird spiritual experiences she had while pregnant with me

the experiences were largely dreams involving my father's mother who died right around when my mother found out she was having me

in the dreams my grandmother told my mother everything would be fine and so on (this was significant to my mother because she had a miscarriage less than a year before she had me, i was high risk, she almost died after, and several of my aunts on my dad's side were pregnant at the same time miscarriages and one of them had a baby who died not long after... my mother was the only one who had the dreams...so her pregnancy with me was different plus almost dying afterwards)

so there was that too

with the emotionally weak thing... my brothers both tend to cave when things aren't good and they both just sort of flail around not getting things done

my younger one can be effective, but usually only when things are good

with deaths or hard decisions or when my mother in particular has wanted an emotional dumping ground there's me

she finds them both "too hysterical" and difficult to rely on when something is going on, and when my brother's have issues that's also on me

when my older brother had issues with his daughter's mother i had to step in and put a whole bunch of **** together for him and help him get sole custody

when my younger brother and his girlfriend were breaking up my fiancee and i spent a while at his place helping him clean and get through it etc

when left to their own devices it's generally just sort of sad

my younger brother is a sag sun/venus, leo moon, capricorn mercury, gemini mars (retrograde) no idea of his rising sign

and my older brother is a libra sun/venus/mercury, aquarius ascendant, sag moon, leo mars

it isnt really fair necessarily because i cant quite rely on any of them like that, but i dont really care in the sense that i wouldnt want to and prefer to avoid them anyway

i know what you mean about symptoms yeah... it's amazing how bad you can feel without actually dying and there not being major damage

chronic things tend to be more painful but less damaging funny enough

i'm sorry to hear youre going through that, i know how debilitating that kind of thing can be

sun trine neptune puts a person in touch with that neptunian energy easily

to see how someone deals with the results of a malefic aspect it can help to look at whether or not the affected planet also has an easy aspect because the person will always favor the easier energy and it can become a crutch

moon with north node is a vedic indicator for addiction because rahu (north node) is seen as a driving force that can seek to devour what it sets its sights on

when you see it in conjunction with the moon it can create a need for emotional intensity (in vedic i'm a pisces moon btw, revati nakshatra) and finding ways to fill the void a lack of intensity can cause

in that way moon with north node creates addiction and other higher risk behaviors

that run in with my dealers was definitely just a coincidence, they lived around the same neighborhood and were driving past a smoke shop i was coming out of from a direction i didnt come from and wasnt heading towards

i do tend to just get things exactly when i need them, though typically i mostly get free drugs and things like that

still when everything is going to hell i usually end up in a place where im alright somehow when the situation falls apart completely

addiction is a lot more complicated than just choices, it very easily becomes something else entirely and the odds are really stacked against people quitting

life is ultimately much easier and requires much less strength being clean from heroin than it did when i was on heroin

because while i was on it, very often it took a lot just to sort of exist

it's definitely not the sort of thing you can understand from the outside looking in

i used other opiates for 15 years without physical addiction being a thing, and then heroin changed that

my views on drug addiction changed from the experience and from having been around so many addicts

it's not really about who's strong and who's weak ultimately, everyone's got their places where they fall short you know? people are just people, addicts are no different

posted November 04, 2018 04:29 AM            

I don't know if you'll see this..
I got a bit busy and I was replying to a part of your last comment each time.
This time I lost the texts 3 times and it's weird because I didn't have the option to paste my texts that I had previously copied in case I would lose them.. There are external obstacles in our communication. I am telling you smth dark is delaying our communication in here heheh

After reading about your dreams I realised once more that I am indifferent/detached from mines. Like you I didn't accept things until I got to a point that I couldn't pretend anymore because many things couldn't nbe explained by logic.. I wasn't able to find a logic explanation no matter what. Some thigns I would even go as far as calling them supernatural. However many centuries ago people believed that eclipses were God's way to show his anger ot smth like that. They saw it as smth supernatural. Maybe in "a few years" from now we will be able to explain these kind of things that we now find mysterious or even supernatural just like we can know understand wmthat eclipses are a natural occurence and not a supernatural one.
So who knows.

My dreams are like yours, like reality, actually they feel more intense.
I had just once an out of body experience (I think) I fely like my soul went out of my body and I was seeing myself sleeping, but I wasn't breathing. It felt like I was really awake. I went to my living room and everything was exactly like it would be if I saw it in real time. I wanted to go out of the house but I just ended up returning to my body. As soon as I got into my body again I woke up kind of choking in need for air. I think I indeed wasn't breathing for those few seconds. Is that called an out of body experience? How have yourout of body experiences felt like?

I also have dreamt once of a complete stranger that I actually saw next day. I asked him if he had been there before because he looked familiar and I kind of freaked out when he told me that it was impossible for me to have seen him since it was his first time being in my town and that he lived far away until about 3 days ago..
I didn't say anything more because he probably wouldn't believe me anyway.. he would think that I just liked him and tried to find a way (a lame one) to talk to him.
I have other weird stuff with dreams too but what freaks me out is weird things & coincidences that happen when I'm awake.

That dejavu with the town sounds pretty impressive. I've never had such a good one, just the regular ones when you feel for some seconds that you've experienced whatever you. are experiencing and it is like a mental shock. It's like you gain a lost memory at that moment.

If you're taking positive feedback then you probably are right. My mom takes negative feedback all the time but she insist that she knows better lol.
For an Aries Moon you are too civil being able to discuss when you're ****** off..

It's good for you that you are getting over things quickly.

I don't agree that people who say that they feel some kind of connection with someone else they fake it. I mean it depends on the person but I don't feel it's smth that people say without actually feeling it. I don't think that they would say it in order to just have sex. We all know men don't need that stuff.

Well I have much water and Pluto aspects so for me shallowness is something that really makes me sad and disappointed. You know the only people I felt like we are on the same level are Scorpio Moons, I like other Moon signs too but even water Moons (I don't know many other Piscean Moons though) aren't deep enough unless there is much plutonian energy in their chart (one example is someone with Sun, Mercury, Mars and Pluto in Scorpio with early cancer Moon).
Now you having much air and fire and that packed 3rd H is natural that you can not stand being bored.
How about giving me that Mars in Capricorn of yours and get my Leo Mars instead? With my Mars being in a fire sign square Pluto you would think I'm active and full of energy 😂😂😂 if I could spend all day in bed for the rest of my life I would gladly do it.

I don't think that all people lie although many do but I'm shovked that you think people change!! I believe and I also see the exact opposite of that. People have many sides and they so a different one depending on the circumstances but they don't really change.

Yes I wish more people would be able to see it, I think it would help this world a lot.
Words can be loud initially but if they are not followed by actions they lose their worth imo.

Honestly when it comes to my mindset about parents it is similar to yours it's just that I chose to kind of waste my life like thisbjust because of what happened (when it comes to my mom, because if it was for my dad I would gladly live with him for the rest of my life hehe)
It's very sad that you have been through so much abuse, I wouldn't want any connections to my parents if I was you. And I hope I read that wrong but sexual abuse??? Oh my God.. Any kind of abuse especially when you are a kid is way traumatic but sexual abuse?? Sexual abuse is like a multiple abuse at once.. it ruins you mentally, emotionally, physically. It's something that I wouldn't be able to get over for the rest of my life. I would definately seek revenge and I would get it one way or another. I can not find even the tiniest excuse for someone who does this.. I could even understand a murderer under some circumstances (not saying that I support it by any means) but there is not one case that I would justify a sexually abusive behavior.

I think your brothers (and generally emotionally weak people) choose to be weak just because they can.. If they ABSOLUTELY had no other choice they would be strong too. I think they just don't care enough and they know that they have you. It's the same in my case too.
Based on their planets it isn't surprising at all that they are like that.
Too much sag, libra and Leo mixed in both of them and one has also aqua asc..
The one with the leo moon may be a bit more emotional actually but the rest of his chart doesn't help.
It depends on their natal aspects etc too though. Again that earthy Mars you have makes all the difference imo.
Yes it is indeed unfair that you won't be able to rely on any of them if you happen to be in need. Many things are unfair in this ugly life. That is why "good" people suffer and "bad" ones are the happiest.

sun trine neptune puts a person in touch with that neptunian energy easily

to see how someone deals with the results of a malefic aspect it can help to look at whether or not the affected planet also has an easy aspect because the person will always favor the easier energy and it can become a crutch

So I learned something interesting and useful from you that I've never read before and it didn't occur to me even though it's logical, it makes perfect sense. Thanks, that info is very helpful especially since it helps me understand a combination of aspects which is the most difficult part for me (combining different chart energies) plus it's practical (my favorite type and the only one I find really helpful). I'm going to see from now on how it works for different natal charts.

moon with north node is a vedic indicator for addiction because rahu (north node) is seen as a driving force that can seek to devour what it sets its sights on

when you see it in conjunction with the moon it can create a need for emotional intensity (in vedic i'm a pisces moon btw, revati nakshatra) and finding ways to fill the void a lack of intensity can cause

in that way moon with north node creates addiction and other higher risk behaviors

So there are people who do drugs or other dangerous things in order to "feel".. Unbelievable.. I would do drugs just to get rid of my intense feelings.. Remember the unknown drug I was given by my doctor? I was so happy because I didn't care about anything in the world.. no intense emotions/feelings I felt empty/dead I think if someone was dying in front of me I wouldn't give a ****. And that was enough to make me happy for those few hours.

addiction is a lot more complicated than just choices, it very easily becomes something else entirely and the odds are really stacked against people quitting
Exactly, at this day and age all peopple know about drugs and that is why they shouldn't even try them. That is why I say it is a choice with few exceptions like an 8yo kid who was given drugs by his mother for example.

because while i was on it, very often it took a lot just to sort of exist
Imagine not being any kind of addict and feeling like that for no apparent reason

posted November 04, 2018 09:41 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Plut0nian2:

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it happens, no worries, i appreciate you trying so many times glad it finally worked out

i was curious about what you would say

i think it's easy to be detached for a long time, harder to just embrace the sort of thing youve been conditioned your whole life

in my case because i couldnt find adequate explanatons i decided to just try everything that came to mind, study everything i could find then actually do things because why not?

the only way to.understand anything is to **** around with it and examine it from every angle and it got to the point where i needed to know

it's intriguing how many texts and ideas line up with theoretical physics though

the idea of other planes isn't much different than the idea presented in flatlands, and the ideas of time and so on arent so different either

tesla is an interesting person to read about in regards to somelf this his science and spirituality combined

anyway you also have things like the placebo effect people getting better through ritual and the principle of will

still better to experiment on your own than just implicitly trust anything

especially when things fall short

though i'll be honest i just see a lot of it as just how things are and dont concern myself with whether or not it can be broken down into finerdetail by someone else (though it often has)

supernatural occurences are all natural yeah, whether or not we can explain them

but experience is a better teacher than someone else i think and being wrong about the details matters less than what you get out of it

the first one that really stands out i couldnt get back into my body and i panicked felt something pull me

when i woke up i felt like something was holding my hand

always found it weird

though i know i had them younger than that (15)

ive always gotten sleep paralysis too, and in some places thats come with seeing certain people

where i grew up it was a woman and a little girl always, in my fiancee's mother's house a man in a flannel shirt, and in our first place a woman who was always wearing white and dripping wet

she'd climb into bed and try to whisper in my ear, i'd wake up freezing andchoking

had bruises around mywrist once shaped like fingerprints wrapped aroundit after one dream

i wouldnt sleep for days there, had it all the time

i havent experienced it quite like that anywhere else that ive lived or visited

and i dont usually experience sleep paralysis anymore either

i think the most ****** up one here was this girl covered in blood who looked like she hadbeen in a car accident or something, she'd tryto talk and her mouth wouldfill and i asked her to leave me alone but she sat by the bed instead

just once though, just passing through

your experiences make perfect sense to me, that's just how things seem to work

but im in deep

deja vu usually.just precedes something strange happening for me

i get positive and negative it all depends and it varies based on when

i can be civil for other people, but dont mistake that for "always" because theres a point where im an *******

most bad things arent worth their weight most of the time

i suppose my experience has been different i've had people offer me money, a place to live, drugs etc while telling me how attractive theyve found me and telling me everything they wanted to do to me

so maybe your experience of people hasbeen different, but for me some of those people "love" me during that first meeting where theyre also offering me money

i think maybe weve met different sorts of people

i figure it isnt worth being sad about things like that, better to just avoid it when you get close to people

keep everyone else as acquaintances or nothing

yeah i hate being bored if i could have a good time id rather just do that

on.the bright side i can easily entertain myself and im happy just wandering around if thats all there is to do

being in bed has its own perks

i can only show you what you get

people are all dishonest at one point or another if theyre honest

i think.people grow and parts of them change

even changing the pieces of you that you exhibit is change

i dont mean transform completely into another person youre always you

i think everything has meaning on some level even the things that dont matter or register

if i had to live with either of my parents for the rest of my life id shoot myself in the face

you didnt read wrong

i dont see a point to revenge

my brother with the leo moon is more emotional, but it doesnt really matter to me either way

their choices only affect me so much anyway, i've accepted that

ive always felt like my fiancee was more my family than my family

that was sort of my introduction to seeing that kind of thing in charts too

all drugs have their own sensations and experiences etc so when i use them its to feel those things +

drugs dont really help you forget much of anything, especially when youre rarely sober

you cant really paint all drugs with the same brush, and even drugs that are "worse" have uses sometimes that arent negative (opiates providing pain relief for example) so it's not really black and white at all

drug use can be a positive experience, it can also be horrible it all depends

i'm sure it's hard feeling like that, sorry to hear that

posted November 13, 2018 04:43 PM            

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Dumuzi:

it happens, no worries, i appreciate you trying so many times glad it finally worked out

i was curious about what you would say

[b]i think it's easy to be detached for a long time, harder to just embrace the sort of thing youve been conditioned your whole life

Could you explain this more? Are you talking about parents or about having intense feelings all the time vs being kind of emotionless? Or about smth else completely?

in my case because i couldnt find adequate explanatons i decided to just try everything that came to mind, study everything i could find then actually do things because why not?

the only way to understand anything is to **** around with it and examine it from every angle and it got to the point where i needed to know

It may seem stupid what I am going to say but I feel like you don't need to experience smth in order to understand how it would make you feel at least in most cases. I don't know if it is a Piscean Moon thing but it may be because I am feeling others' emotions and even thoughts? Maybe it's a good intuition or a mix of both. I am not talking theoritically I am saying it based on things that I knew how they would feel before actually experiencing them. When I did I felt exactly how I felt when I imagined it. I think the imagination which is very vivid plays a great role too. But I've been proven so many times right for things I didn't know both for me and others who insisted that they knew themselves better but in the end they were like "Oh my God how did you know?" And I don't really know how, I just sense it. I asked once smth about Neptune and someone told me that you can't explain Neptune you just sense it. And I think it's true.
That of course it's more of a negative thing for me because for one it makes things boring knowing all the time before actually experiencing.. makes you to not want to experience smth because it's like you already did with your imagination and it's more convinient to "experience" things in your head than experiencing them in reality. So it makes me in multiple ways indifferent in relaly expetiencing smth. It also takes that exciting feeling from the real experience. It kind of disappoints me.
When it comes to others it's smth I don't choose I just feel/sense whatever they do. I thoght these were normal till some point of my life and that all people were like me.

still better to experiment on your own than just implicitly trust anything

especially when things fall short

though i'll be honest i just see a lot of it as just how things are and dont concern myself with whether or not it can be broken down into finerdetail by someone else (though it often has)

I wish I could trust more easily generally. I want the finer detail by me or someone else. My mind needs answets all the time. I overanalyse anything.. even feelings. I want to go as deep as I can and also explain everything logically.

the first one that really stands out i couldnt get back into my body and i panicked felt something pull me

when i woke up i felt like something was holding my hand

always found it weird

though i know i had them younger than that (15)

ive always gotten sleep paralysis too, and in some places thats come with seeing certain people

where i grew up it was a woman and a little girl always, in my fiancee's mother's house a man in a flannel shirt, and in our first place a woman who was always wearing white and dripping wet

she'd climb into bed and try to whisper in my ear, i'd wake up freezing andchoking

had bruises around mywrist once shaped like fingerprints wrapped aroundit after one dream

i wouldnt sleep for days there, had it all the time

i havent experienced it quite like that anywhere else that ive lived or visited

and i dont usually experience sleep paralysis anymore either

Woow this actually sounds awesome! (not the sleep paralysis)
Whenever I have creepy nightmares I have that feeling that I do with good horror movies (my favorite ones). I don't know why it feels so good when I scared af. lol maybe Pluto-Mars?

Didn't you try to find out about that house? Maybe it has to do with the previous owners or smth?? I would investigate the hell out of it just for the thrill although Ibw wouldn't expect anything shocking tbh.

But the bruise thing? maybe you did it at your sleep by yourself? For example I am dreaming of someone hitting my hand with a hammer and when I wake up that hand indeed hurts but it is because of the position or something else I maybe doing to it while I'm sleeping.

How did you not try to find explanations for what happened to you at that house?
I would think about it all the time.
If I lived somewhere near you I would like to go into that house and sleep in there in irder tos see if I can see those same people when sleeping.

i think the most ****** up one here was this girl covered in blood who looked like she hadbeen in a car accident or something, she'd tryto talk and her mouth wouldfill and i asked her to leave me alone but she sat by the bed instead

just once though, just passing through

Why is this the most creepy one though and not the one you woke up with the bruise?

deja vu usually.just precedes something strange happening for me

That's cool and useful in my case deja vus are completely useless and meaningless.

most bad things arent worth their weight most of the time

I kind of agree.

i suppose my experience has been different i've had people offer me money, a place to live, drugs etc while telling me how attractive theyve found me and telling me everything they wanted to do to me

so maybe your experience of people hasbeen different, but for me some of those people "love" me during that first meeting where theyre also offering me money

i think maybe weve met different sorts of people

Well I've never been lucky enough to receive so many things for free unless you mean they wanted sex or smth else in return.
However I feel like in the end everyone will ask something in return and since I don't like feeling obligated especially when I don't know what the other person will ask I prefer to not take the candy.

yeah i hate being bored if i could have a good time id rather just do that

on.the bright side i can easily entertain myself and im happy just wandering around if thats all there is to do

being in bed has its own perks

Hehe not really it's bad for health and makes you a boring person. I just don't habe enough energy for many simple things most of the time. Most people have lots of energy and like to move a lot.
I wish I could be like them but since I am the opposite they are a no no for me.

people are all dishonest at one point or another if theyre honeest

Hmmm how? I mean if you ar ehonest you are honest. I don't find it difficult deing honest. Actually it's very good both mentally and emotionally.

i think.people grow and parts of them change
even changing the pieces of you that you exhibit is change
i dont mean transform completely into another person youre always you

from my pov this is developing smth that already exists in you not a change though. I feel like everything was always there but it needs the right circumstances to be revealed.

if i had to live with either of my parents for the rest of my life id shoot myself in the face
you didnt read wrong
i dont see a point to revenge

I think of revenge as justice the few times I've revenged it helped me in multiple ways. But if you don't feel the need it is ok of course. It's difficult to get used to your parents aftet you've been far from them unless you are lucky enough to be complatible with them. In your case it's absolutely normal what you said about it after what you've been through.
It's good that you have your fiance. Actually any person that we want and we have in our life is very helpful.

all drugs have their own sensations and experiences etc so when i use them its to feel those things +

drugs dont really help you forget much of anything, especially when youre rarely sober

you cant really paint all drugs with the same brush, and even drugs that are "worse" have uses sometimes that arent negative (opiates providing pain relief for example) so it's not really black and white at all

drug use can be a positive experience, it can also be horrible it all depends

Actually I have a very good opinion about drugs themselves. They can offer different things as you said for different needs. That is exactly why they are dangerous.

posted November 18, 2018 08:07 AM            

i just saw this, i'll respond when i get a chance

posted December 01, 2018 10:36 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Plut0nian2:

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took me long enough i know, but i did mean to get back to you

i meant detachment in the sense that people are very removed from things like their dreams, spiritual experiences, the validity of the deja vu they feel etc

it doesn't sound stupid to me at all, but i can't work that way

i can imagine something right a million times over, but i still need to experience it to confirm

otherwise it's like living in a schrodinger's cat-like state where i just want to open the ******* box and look inside

just because i'm right every other time doesn't mean i will be the next time, anomalies and all that

so i need that experience, and i get joy out of being right anyway

it doesn't bore me to be right about something, instead things lining up or being confirmed makes me happy

things don't always need any analysis, i could stand to be more reflective sometimes though

i've never been a horror fan, my mother is, but that sort of thing doesn't scare me, books and movies etc just don't bother me

even in real life i'm inclined to do the sort of things that end up killing people in those, going out to see what that noise is and so on

i definitely couldn't have detached my thumb to place it on the opposite side no, and the prints and size of the hand were smaller than my fiancee's

i never tried to find anything out, by then i was used to that sort of thing anyway so i never really thought much on it

i mostly just cared about staying awake and how boring certain hours can be, went for a lot of walks and did a lot of inane ****

but i can be stupid in that way anyway

i once found a mattress in the woods, covered in blood with a deer carcass beside it around when cops were looking for someone who was hiding in the area

i saw it thought "guess i should leave" walked away, and when i got home i just didn't really think about it or care

years later while telling that story i was asked if i called the cops, and the truth is i hadn't even thought to

i just saw potential danger, left, and then didn't think about it past that

it's only sort of useful, knowing something will happen doesn't prevent or alter it you know? it's like the dreams i have about deer that also precede significant things, but in the case of those i don't know what's coming my way just that something will

they do want sex in return, which is why i don't exactly have all of those things but some people just give gifts because they find me attractive and want sex

i have chronic health issues so energy isn't necessarily something i have a ton of at any given moment, so i take advantage every time i do and force myself more than that (do pay for that sometimes, but oh well)

well just based on research people in general lie, that doesn't mean they're all major lies or there isn't variation in honesty levels

just that no one is ever 100 percent honest 100 percent of the time, in all honesty sometimes it wouldn't make any sense to be

being honest is always preferable, keeps things authentic, but realistically that's just not always going to be the case

i don't see vengeance as justice entirely, in one light it is sure, but in another it just keeps the cycle going

i get no pleasure from it, and i don't enjoy it either, i figure life is enough

they can be dangerous yeah, but at the same time it really depends

as far as favorites go, i admittedly will probably never find anything i love more than heroin

i like that warmth, the euphoria etc i can't have that in my life, but i love it all the same

too high of a price ultimately, and i've taken my fair share of gambles with it already

i enjoy acid because i like the ways it can alter perspective and i enjoy that it feels a lot like third eye meditation while also being awake, and sex on it is amazing

shrooms are another i enjoy because i like the level of introspection that can come with a trip, it pushes you to view things in your life differently and a lot can be gained from that sort of thing when done correctly

i like benzos because i like downers, nice for car rides

i smoke weed often because aside from being relaxing it takes the edge off of pain and helps me not feel like im on the edge of throwing up nearly all the damn time, and it can be fun socially

i like the empathy and openness that comes with molly, the talkativeness can be good when done in a proper setting especially with someone you've had issues with because it creates this environment where you're really hearing each other and feeling more than just yourself

i could do without the jaw clenching with that one though, i feel like shrooms can do just as much the day after if you talk about the trip

i'm not a huge fan of coke, it doesn't really do much for me unless i'm drinking because then i can just drink more and if it's around it's alright for hangovers

uppers aren't really my thing, because i never get euphoria from them and they always seem to hit everyone else stronger

adderall does nothing for me other than make it so i don't have songs stuck in my head and can focus, no recreational value

pcp was usually fun, that was another i really liked with sex, and i had some interesting experiences with it