posted July 31, 2019 04:19 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Dumuzi:
i'll live with the loss somehow i'm sure

that could be it, also could be why the italian **** doesn't surprise you either i know north east italians can come off a pretty particular way lol

one of the parts that counts or just ny? i'm from brooklyn, but i haven't lived there in a couple years, i was moving back and forth between there and the middle of nowhere for a while and after heroin left for good

can't really quit when you're going outside and being handed free drugs because people haven't seen you in a while and ****

seems to depend on the people tbh, that date i went on the guy made a bunch of contacts to my pluto and he definitely felt them more

yeah the initial stages are fun usually and then life sets in, that's why i see casual sex and flings as different from an actual relationship though i'm different from you in the sense where i'm fine with both

the day to day **** isn't all fun and gets complicated, but it has its own value and it's a lot deeper than just fun which makes it more special in a lot of ways

are you the sabotage type then? i get it to a point in the sense that getting close to people can make me feel like running away sometimes, mostly because having feelings means someone else has some level of power over you because of it and that's something i can struggle with

at the same time i can push that **** down often because it's not particularly productive either

that definitely sounds extremely venus opposite uranus damn, with the sextile i can feel like running away but then i can tell myself "well that's stupid and will pass if you let it" and keep going because i know that's not fair to the other person and because i know it's more a me issue

i also don't have a bunch of water though so i probably don't get as over my head as you do

that sounds kind of sad and ultimately destructive though, though i guess that's more just an "i wouldn't find that fulfilling" kind of projection, though it doesn't quite seem like you do either

balance is always good though, and no problem any time

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Hey I'm from Brooklyn too. Which part of Brooklyn are you? (I'm from Williamsburg)

Lately I have this terrible urge for a drastic lifestyle change. I feel like I need to move ASAP. Damn money it keeps everything at bay lol. I'm seriously debating just living in my car, can't live at my parents anymore it's draining. Or like make a ton of money (of course duh) and move to Hawaii or sumtin. (it's interesting that Uranus is t-squaring my 9th house Saturn and 3rd house Jupiter pretty exact now)

Gotcha so it's the free drugs that kept you there lol fair enough.

Lol I hope to not be struck by a Pluto situation again. It spirals your guts out. (this Pisces guy made no contacts to my Pluto or vice versa, but his Pluto opposed my Sun/Moon midpoint at 0 degree. So yeah midpoints are pretty powerful. Dunno why I'm still talking about him lol I'm really over him it's just a past situation that I recall)

Thing is I don't always want either one or the other. Like this most recent guy... I don't see myself having a relationship with him but I don't see him as just a friend either. Like can't you experience romance with someone without any strings attached lol. It's odd I never thought it'll get to this stage, I felt nothing for him before. And I still don't think he's my ideal type. But I dunno I have these tender feelings towards him. But I don't wanna commit to him or anything. I just wanna let it flow I guess. That is the time I become sensitive cuz it's not just another random dude for me now but I don't wanna give away my way of living either. When I'm there I wanna be there and when not I don't. I guess that could be called friends with benefits but it's really not. I have feelings for him but not commitment-type feelings. Perhaps it's caused by Venus ruling my fifth house. Like lighthearted fun/romance translates to love for me lol dunno. But I guess it's not the stereotypical commitment type of love. It's more immediate and in the moment.

Honestly I wonder if it would bother me getting close to someone I really feel like getting close to. Like yeah I can ice people out. But I dunno if I'd do that to someone I really feel like having long-term. Like this Pisces guy again lol, I already thought about it several times that no matter how strong he'd come onto me I don't think I'd freak out, but maybe cuz it's just not in his nature and I know that I can't expect it of him.

Is Pluto pretty close to your Venus? Cuz I think that's why you'd associate love with power. The reason I cut people off who feel for me is cuz it's too close and in my face I just feel like my breath shortens lol. But then again that's only cuz I don't feel anything for them. Remember that Saturn also inconjuncts my Venus. I especially have issues with Cancer individuals doing it lol they're just so sticky omfg I feel like killing them lolol not even kidding.

I used to be more patient and hold it out, I think mostly due to Neptune being at play where I felt bad for the individual and put them before me. I became very selfish lately I don't think anyone is good enough for me to waste my time with. If I feel off I'm out.

though i guess that's more just an "i wouldn't find that fulfilling" kind of projection, though it doesn't quite seem like you do either

posted July 31, 2019 05:02 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Dumuzi:
yeah probably, i don't remember what i said

the only other person i dated with any degree of being serious was the witch i've mentioned (the one who i ended up digging into the occult because of **** that happened between her and i) and with her the last time we spoke she was talking about suicide, getting really erratic and taking a lot of uppers while drinking (i'm aware of the pattern)

i told her i didn't think i could do it anymore, i missed, no **** , about 20 calls from her (all in a row) a couple days later haven't heard from her since

everyone else was just friends with benefits except that guy i cut things off with after the first date and that relationship while significant was only about a year and a good chunk of it was behind her fiance's back (it was a trainwreck situation)

but yeah with my ex fiancee it does suck, i've seen her in this place before a million times over though in all honesty and i've seen her actually attempt and get close to attempting

she has a long history with this kind of thing, the first time i encountered that side of her personally we were 15

i know she won't help herself, but i hope she gets to a place where she sees that she needs help and gets it

the break has been helpful for me more because of the erratic roller coaster **** with her, the extreme highs and lows and the constant change in what she wants with no consistency always sabotaging something based on passing emotions it's made life hard for me and her, but she's never wanted to really acknowledge it or get help

she just brushes it off and lets it destroy things instead, including herself, and there's no reasoning with her at all so it sucks, but that's one of those situations where my hands are tied because trying in the past has just made me the enemy to her which is why this current situation is what it is

she's got a lot more destructive **** going on than just the depression, she's doing a lot of really dumb **** and not herself right now at all, and it happens sometimes and in this state there's no telling her anything because she'll insist everything is good while simultaneously doing really stupid damaging poorly thought out **** because of fleeting feelings and chasing highs

this was just one of her summer breakdowns that snowballed into a huge thing, it's usually summer and winter that are the worse and she kind of levels off more in spring and fall

it's all destructive though, both for anyone in her vicinity and her ultimately

it's my own fault always going for heavy scorpio heavy pluto people typically or just a lot of water in general, and also because being used to dysfunction makes me overlook it in other people until it's affecting me

but yeah i appreciate the offer, i'm just at a place where i've long accepted the possibility that she might eventually manage it or get herself into a really bad situation that i can't get her out of and while i'm not exactly at peace with it life goes on

i just hope that maybe this time around without me there she's in a place where she's forced to acknowledge it more she has a lot of issues with scapegoating me in particular, but anything she ***** up at this point has nothing to do with me and i tried to warn her and get her to see reality

she didn't want to and can't right now so at least i have the physical distance to help with the emotional distance required for this situation

i'm good at detaching and i'm just hoping for the best for her, she's at least keeping in touch on some level daily so there's that

---

Omg haha. Weren't you scared though that she'd use her powers against you? Obsession is selfish and if you don't allow her power over you then she'd use those selfish powers against you. Just my thought but I might be wrong.

Just out of curiosity, you mentioned that whichever 3rd person involved always included your ex. Did it never cause any jealousy feelings? I mean come on she's a woman with strong Pluto contacts. I'm surprised it literally just didn't affect her at all. Unless she knew that that was the price she had to pay for having you. Just wondering it's interesting.

It's true, I mean I get why she didn't help herself. If she doesn't see the issue as a problem necessarily then there's no reason she'd attempt helping herself cuz from her standpoint everything's just fine.

I think however Pluto people (what I've read and what's true for me) they kinda test you. Yeah she'll make you feel like you're the enemy but is really just testing the limits and see if you're strong enough to handle it. I think what's most important is that you shouldn't be scared off by her displays of hate. Cuz you know that she loves you (or so it seems) you should just do what you feel is right without expecting her to love what you do. Cuz you're doing it for her good. And she knows it. Plutonians know it they just wanna manipulate the **** outta you and see how you react. Don't retract. Of course that's only if you feel like actually helping her and it's not ruining your health in place of it. Cuz at the end of the day the only person who will without doubt be with you till the day you die is yourself. So you have to be selfish sometimes.

Dude it's not your fault lol you love who you love can't help it ya know. But she obviously knows it and uses it to her advantage with the scapegoating and all. It's on you man. Yeah like here you're at fault for allowing her to run your life for you. I know Plutonians and women in general are good at that lol but it's the polarity that makes it interesting. (I actually don't think you're a pushover but based on what you're saying you seem to allow her to run the show, so as a woman I'm telling you don't lol. Like not in a nasty way of course that just ruins it all but more in a 'I got this' way)

posted July 31, 2019 05:14 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Hikaru29:
I've Venus opposite Neptune at 6°. I think this quite describes me:
[b]"You may suffer from low self-image, especially when young. You may fear you are not worthy enough to have an affectionate and caring partner who loves you for who you are. You may end up making major sacrifices to keep your ideal partner, and end up feeling unhappy or being used. It is also likely that you may fantasize about, or over-idealize a partner, then feel gutted when they don’t meet your expectations."

The last time I had a crush on someone was when I was 17yo. Never had a crush on anyone since. People crush on me instead (lol). Anyway, crushes on people & celebrities are common, isn't it, regardless whether you have Venus-Neptune?

I have low self-image though... always more focused on my flaws and feel unlovable. When someone says he loves me, I doubt it. Even after finally believing it, I wonder how long his love will last. I used to give a lot to my partners w/o considering my needs. Learned it the hard way. Now I love myself more. I think my 1st house Venus helps... the narcissistic tendency raises my self-image.[/B]

---

It's odd the 2 people I crushed on shared the same birthday. Not year, but month/day. I dunno what it means but it was really odd.

I used to give a lot to my partners w/o considering my needs.
I used to be the same way. I always thought I felt satisfied cuz they were. Lately I'm very different though I don't tolerate much in people. I can't say I handle it properly but I definitely don't think that if they're fine then I sure am. No way that goes down.

posted July 31, 2019 05:30 PM            

park slope, but i've also lived in greenwood heights (or to use the real estate name for it "south slope" now), windsor terrace, and gravesend (idk why when we needed to move our roommates went for an orthodox jewish neighborhood we were all raised catholic, but that was interesting)

i actually never go to williamsburg, i've been there probably twice or something like that, so i'm not real familiar with it

i'm more used to bensonhurst, dyker heights, carroll gardens etc and **** just that cluster of neighborhoods because most of what i'd do was hop the fences in prospect park to do drugs all day

my ex was from sunset park

i'm over in the poconos now though, like i said i couldn't get off heroin and stay in brooklyn at the same time it's better for me to be here currently

uranus must be making you restless, i get wanting to just go somewhere i've been feeling that lately too, but right now i have some **** to get together first and then i'll worry about that

i've been on/off talking to my uncle about figuring **** out to move with the birds to italy because he's outside of florence and has been trying to get me to go out there for a long time (i didn't go as a teenager because i ended up with my ex and she was basically stuck raising her sibings so i did that with her instead)though i when i visited him there we met up in rome (he's my godfather and has no kids so i've always been his favorite out of his nephews/nieces, not that there's many to pick from)

saturn's just ******* squaring my venus/ascendant and moon/descendant going to retrograde back to my mars then head back to square all my **** again then hit my ic (which is where pluto is right now it passed then came back with the retrograde it'll go back again who knows what that'll do lol)

it's not so much a restless thing, but more of a my ex and i had discussed doing that on/off for years and i'm going to anyway even without her kind of thing

what would make you go with a place like hawaii? is it just that anywhere warm is appealing?

i've found that money comes when you need it, or a situation does, at least that's how things have gone for me typically i have last minute luck

i seem to be all about pluto situations, idk what's wrong with me, i can say i should probably avoid it but i likely won't everyone i've been with there's been something with it and it's all always felt unavoidable

that's pluto though and my luck (maybe it's having my north node conjunct my descendant ******* me)

you can experience it, but most people aren't up for that, they want all the strings and heavy **** to go along with it make everything complicated lol

it sounds a little more than friends with benefits given the feelings, but i get where you're coming from you don't want your life to be built around someone you just want the other stuff without it needing to get which is understandable

that's usually more of a temporary thing though, but i guess that's where your venus-uranus takes over

it sounds like you're comfortable with him, but like it's because he isn't as close as he could be and then passive too so he doesn't inspire the fear or depth which might be good for you in some ways

i think it's interesting how cancer placements and scorpios both have that need to protect how vulnerable they are at the expense of the depth of their own feelings, sort of backwards but interesting

close in the sense that my venus is conjunct my ascendant and pluto falls in my first house but pluto is in scorpio and venus is in libra

the only aspects pluto makes in my chart are a sextile to neptune and a sextile to my sun (my sun is trine neptune)

it's not just love specific it's any kind of caring, if i care then i'm inclined to put myself aside for another person or they're capable of hurting me

because if i don't care then nothing someone does or says (short of hurting someone i do care about or some **** like that) is going to hurt me, i'm too apathetic for that and it's no ***** given

but if i care then i lose the comfort of apathy and someone else's feelings or state of mind etc then has the ability to affect me which i see as a loss of power (i think of most things in terms of power though)

i think it's interesting that you're put off by cancers given your venus being there but i guess the uranian influence probably does it and your moon is 12th house right? that probably adds to the issue really since emotions are also part of relationships

i only had one ex friend with benefits with a cancer placement that i can think of, he had a cancer mars, i didn't really mind it but i imagine dating him is awful because he used to go on about his gf a lot

i can't do the selfish thing in relationships, it's too unfair for me to feel comfortable with that no balance and i like giving people a fair shot and if it's not just sex then it's a matter of me giving a **** and while i can detach i don't stop caring i can just go cold

being selfish always seems to leave people feeling empty in the long run, do you worry about that at all? or is it just like you don't care because you've got yourself?

posted July 31, 2019 06:36 PM            

the witch? i actually ****** her after she did a past life ritual i told her not to do, i couldn't hold it her against i auto wrote about it and meeting her years before i met her (no **** i had this pcp induced black out and i autowrote a bunch of **** and so far most of it has happened, some of it i won't know about til i die because my death was in there too) so it seemed pointless and after she did that she got scared to **** around too much anyway because the results were stronger than she expected

long story there, but it's how i ended up here talking to you

ok so here's the thing about that last time i saw her (my ex fiancee i mean) we were smoking a blunt together and she brought up the witch out of ******* nowhere (keep in mind we were already broken up at the time) and told me she's never forgiven me for that or herself for telling me she was ok with it and then lying to me about being ok with it for years

and she just started ranting about how ****** up it was for her and how she holds it against me etc meanwhile before it happened she told me she was ok with me ******* other people, she knew before things got serious, she gave me the green light and never said anything for years etc and so on

and i told her that if she just didn't lie to me then that never would've happened because i wouldn't have done something to hurt her ever if she had just said it would

and she gave me some whole "i didn't want to lose you and i thought you would hate me speech" while going on and on about how many years of pain it caused her (and clearly she's still mad about it to be bringing it up) and i told her maybe if she was honest instead of ******* around and lying that she would've found out and have given me an actual choice

the truth is i would've just not done anything and stayed with her, because it's not like me and that chick stayed together for years after i stayed with my ex and didn't even try to chase that you know?

and i told her as much and she went on about how it was too late for that and all this other ******** but i ignored her and kept talking because i wanted her to know my side of **** because her projections were ******** and wrong

i'm not 100 percent on **** with the other people after that and how she felt, i think when she's picked the people it might've been more ok with her but i think it was somehow spiteful or whatever on some weird twisted level i can't understand or imagine lol

but yeah that's a complicated mess i don't understand, and i'm not 100% that she gets it either

she also kept getting close and saying **** that sounded like she wanted to get back together then telling me to stop trying to get back with her (i didn't actually do anything or attempt anything) and the time before that she went to kiss me then got mad and ran out the door so who the **** knows with that ****

but yeah she acknowledges her mood swings and the erratic behavior and all that is an issue sometimes, but then when you mention doing something productive she just lies and says everything is fine because she doesn't want to put in the work she has this thing where just keeps being destructive instead and stubbornly so

i know it's not my fault, but she blames literally everything on me she has a hard time accepting blame and when she does if i agree with her then that's just a way to set her off though

last time she called me a couple days ago (we occasionally end up talking for hours like since we broke up but usually it's a couple of texts every day and she'll tell me she loves me or some **** like that) i straight up told her she's being a trainwreck and she told me i'm one to talk (she said some **** she just made up about the guy i had hooked up with, and i had to correct her then she shut up and changed the subject...which btw first thing she asked me about that guy was if him and i had sex then wanted to know how it was) then sent me a picture of her in lingerie told me she had thought about ******* me both times she seen me and then told me we weren't getting back together (again wasn't trying) even though the time before that she had mentioned some **** about the future and on other occasions she has too

it's different every day, but that's what our relationship was too, only thing that doesn't change is her telling me she loves me

so this break up has been a lot of that kind of thing from her while she simultaneously makes a lot of really bad decisions and hasn't been sober to think about anything (and i get it i love drugs and alcohol but i've mostly been sober lately because i've needed to think and figure out what to do) and tells me about them

then gets defensive when i give her advice because i care and she's a ******* trainwreck who keeps telling me she's crying every day and depressed, but also she's happy and fine and things are great

i'm not sure if this is some ****** up test or not, but i don't entirely care right now i'm mostly concerned with getting my own life together whether she's in it in the future or not and continuing to do the longterm **** i already planned to do

she's the kind of person who sabotages every situation i've created for us because of her issues and impatience and makes it hard to keep something stable going or to build from any given foundation

it's not so much that i give in it's more that we'd fight and if we didn't agree then life would just happen and i'd deal with whatever that meant when i had to

but she gets frustrated by things not going her way even though she creates situations where they can't, every time she gets close to something she purposely ***** it all up instead of following through and i can admittedly be bad with follow through, but it's not from a sabotage sort of place the way it is with her

right now the way to help her is honestly to do what i need to do for myself and to get **** together in the same ways i would've if she was here and let her dig herself a really deep hole so she can undeniably see that i'm actually right and she needs help and her ****** up situations are of her own creation not mine

in the meantime i'm staying her friend and she knows i love her and she knows if she needs anything i'm around, but this just has to run its course

if we get back together we get back together if not i'll find someone else i'm in no rush

this is just one of those situations where i need to be able to say "told you so" and show her that without me she creates awful situations that lack stability and that without her no one sabotages the foundations i can put together and they can built upon

i'm not too concerned aside from not wanting her to do something stupid that gets her killed or some **** you know?

i already know she has it in her head that she either can come back or will because she says as much, but that's for future me to deal with and i want the grounds to set the terms if that's the case so i'm getting them

posted July 31, 2019 06:37 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dumuzi:
@Brenda_S:

park slope, but i've also lived in greenwood heights (or to use the real estate name for it "south slope" now), windsor terrace, and gravesend (idk why when we needed to move our roommates went for an orthodox jewish neighborhood we were all raised catholic, but that was interesting)

i actually never go to williamsburg, i've been there probably twice or something like that, so i'm not real familiar with it

i'm more used to bensonhurst, dyker heights, carroll gardens etc and **** just that cluster of neighborhoods because most of what i'd do was hop the fences in prospect park to do drugs all day

my ex was from sunset park

i'm over in the poconos now though, like i said i couldn't get off heroin and stay in brooklyn at the same time it's better for me to be here currently

uranus must be making you restless, i get wanting to just go somewhere i've been feeling that lately too, but right now i have some **** to get together first and then i'll worry about that

i've been on/off talking to my uncle about figuring **** out to move with the birds to italy because he's outside of florence and has been trying to get me to go out there for a long time (i didn't go as a teenager because i ended up with my ex and she was basically stuck raising her sibings so i did that with her instead)though i when i visited him there we met up in rome (he's my godfather and has no kids so i've always been his favorite out of his nephews/nieces, not that there's many to pick from)

saturn's just ******* squaring my venus/ascendant and moon/descendant going to retrograde back to my mars then head back to square all my **** again then hit my ic (which is where pluto is right now it passed then came back with the retrograde it'll go back again who knows what that'll do lol)

it's not so much a restless thing, but more of a my ex and i had discussed doing that on/off for years and i'm going to anyway even without her kind of thing

what would make you go with a place like hawaii? is it just that anywhere warm is appealing?

i've found that money comes when you need it, or a situation does, at least that's how things have gone for me typically i have last minute luck

i seem to be all about pluto situations, idk what's wrong with me, i can say i should probably avoid it but i likely won't everyone i've been with there's been something with it and it's all always felt unavoidable

that's pluto though and my luck (maybe it's having my north node conjunct my descendant ******* me)

you can experience it, but most people aren't up for that, they want all the strings and heavy **** to go along with it make everything complicated lol

it sounds a little more than friends with benefits given the feelings, but i get where you're coming from you don't want your life to be built around someone you just want the other stuff without it needing to get which is understandable

that's usually more of a temporary thing though, but i guess that's where your venus-uranus takes over

it sounds like you're comfortable with him, but like it's because he isn't as close as he could be and then passive too so he doesn't inspire the fear or depth which might be good for you in some ways

i think it's interesting how cancer placements and scorpios both have that need to protect how vulnerable they are at the expense of the depth of their own feelings, sort of backwards but interesting

close in the sense that my venus is conjunct my ascendant and pluto falls in my first house but pluto is in scorpio and venus is in libra

the only aspects pluto makes in my chart are a sextile to neptune and a sextile to my sun (my sun is trine neptune)

it's not just love specific it's any kind of caring, if i care then i'm inclined to put myself aside for another person or they're capable of hurting me

because if i don't care then nothing someone does or says (short of hurting someone i do care about or some **** like that) is going to hurt me, i'm too apathetic for that and it's no ***** given

but if i care then i lose the comfort of apathy and someone else's feelings or state of mind etc then has the ability to affect me which i see as a loss of power (i think of most things in terms of power though)

i think it's interesting that you're put off by cancers given your venus being there but i guess the uranian influence probably does it and your moon is 12th house right? that probably adds to the issue really since emotions are also part of relationships

i only had one ex friend with benefits with a cancer placement that i can think of, he had a cancer mars, i didn't really mind it but i imagine dating him is awful because he used to go on about his gf a lot

i can't do the selfish thing in relationships, it's too unfair for me to feel comfortable with that no balance and i like giving people a fair shot and if it's not just sex then it's a matter of me giving a **** and while i can detach i don't stop caring i can just go cold

being selfish always seems to leave people feeling empty in the long run, do you worry about that at all? or is it just like you don't care because you've got yourself?

---

Lol omg. I'm Orthodox Jewish myself it's pretty funny. I think a lot of people feel comfortable with such surroundings due to the low crime rate. Not to brag or anything lol.

If I end up staying in Brooklyn though then I'd probably go for Brooklyn Heights. Was there once and kinda fell in love with the area.

But Poconos is cool was there several times in the past. How are you liking it so far?

Yeah Uranus is making me extremely restless. Just this past weekend I literally felt like I couldn't eat lol I felt just uncomfortable in my own skin and thought ditch the food.

Italians are freaken cool dunno why lol. My most favorite cultures I think are Russians and Italians. It's probably their hard shell. Literally have a fetish for 'em lol I'm thinking it may be Capricorn ruling my eighth house.

Nice you were in Rome. I remember my ex and I were gonna go there on our next vacation. Dunno why I guess just to explore. There's a lot of Jewish history there.

saturn's just ******* squaring my venus/ascendant and moon/descendant going to retrograde back to my mars then head back to square all my **** again then hit my ic (which is where pluto is right now it passed then came back with the retrograde it'll go back again who knows what that'll do lol)

Damn your entire core is involved lol. How's Pluto on your IC going for you now though?

I actually am not a fan of the warm, I prefer the cold. And my decision of where I'll end up at changes pretty frequently lol. Was gonna do Upstate, then Alaska, Brooklyn Heights was after. The reason I decided Hawaii lol so this movie 'the blue lagoon' look at just the trailer (from the 1980's) you'll know what I mean pretty much involves an island. And I'm like d@mn that's the ultimate type of lifestyle to lead, why do I need to move to a nearby place the world is so large. I did some research it's pretty expensive dunno what I'll be doing yet but I definitely wanna do something drastic.

I kinda seem to experience the same, money comes when you need it. So yeah lol hopefully I'll be lucky.

Yeah I try to protect the way I feel I'm not very open about it unless it's so casual that I just act in a typical Gemini fashion. Then I have no issue telling someone how adorable they are send them kisses lol but it's light and fun. I generally mean what I say though but I'm not struck by that feeling. It just feels fun.

Yeah it's odd that I'm put off by Cancers, that's the only water sign I have issues with I think. Scorpios can be controlling and I despise it but only really when it's their Mars. Other placements of such don't necessarily bother me.

And yeah my Moon is in my twelfth, and it also inconjuncts Uranus. So I guess there's a double dose of it.

So honestly it never got to the point where I should care enough to give them a fair chance. So yeah I'm selfish, but only cuz they're not actually in my life and I feel that if I'd care then I'd probably be the only one caring you know? My ex I cared cuz I felt his heart was there and I couldn't just shut him off. But if someone I'm not interested in then I'd cut them off for sure cuz I don't see the point in giving them a chance when I simply don't want them in my life. But if I feel they care then yeah I can be too softhearted sometimes which is probably why I reject these feelings from myself cuz I really don't wanna care.

posted July 31, 2019 07:47 PM            

idk how familiar you are with it there but there's all these alleys between the houses, and in the middle of the night my ex and i were laying on the couch watching a movie and we hear this woman ******* screaming and running right our window and then we heard someone running after her

also do you remember that kid, i can't remember his name right now the one who got abducted by that guy who took him around and then chopped him up and dumped him in all the garbage cans and **** (they were both orthodox jews) anyway one of his body parts was found either on the block i lived or a couple blocks over some **** like that not long after i moved

i've never really bothered going over to brooklyn heights, i've been there but it doesn't really stick out

when i say i mostly just did drugs in prospect park, i really can't stress "mostly" enough

i've been here for years now 2 1/2 straight and i've lived here on/off since i was 22

i kept going back to brooklyn getting into **** coming here and cleaning up repeat

it's cool though i chill with deer now (no **** i actually have deer friends) and i'm not killing myself with drugs

interesting reason to not eat, usually when i just don't bother with that it's sheer laziness or because my stomach can't handle food that day without intense pain

i've done it for fasting/meditation purposes too though

why do you think it's uranus making you feel that sort of discomfort?

italians are loud, very loud, my ex had to adjust to learning that italian talking isn't yelling when she was around my family

rome was cool, the graffiti there was great and the people are typically really friendly and then it's interesting to walk around because you've got ancient ruins with a ******* coffee shop across the street and **** so it's got a really weird feel to it

pluto on my ic has been having me think of all the **** i need to change and there's been a lot of pulling **** away so that i'm in a place where i'm forced to focus and make changes should be interesting when it goes back, but yeah these have been intense transits

there's this odd thing though where even the **** that's been negative has felt like a positive necessary thing that i feel comfortable with because of where it's putting me

i just trust that things are going to be in a very different place when this is all done and i know i'll be good, no matter what's gone i just know that

you should this way then winter starts in november sometimes earlier and then doesn't end forever it's terrible, i don't do well with cold weather

i know what movie you're talking about, just because of the controversy surrounding it, islands are nice though but i burn so ******* bad in the sun that it sucks

hawaii is really expensive though i have cousin who lived for a little while, she liked it but according one of my old drug dealers who was born there and lived there a while it's pretty ******* dangerous if you step out of the wrong area especially depending on what you look like

you should do something drastic, if it doesn't work out i'm sure you could probably be exactly where you are right now again all things considered so there's no real consequence other than experience

actually when i think about it makes sense that cancers put you off, that's a part of you that you're not entirely comfortable with and they would reflect it back at you in their similarities so you having the knee jerk reaction to pull away makes sense

and the moon **** makes it make even more sense because you already have that detachment going and then it's an air moon too so you can fulfill yourself to a point without the heaviness

i think the "i don't really want to care" kind of just sums up everything for you with that, and i get that, i can't get past the unfairness when it comes to selfishness though lol the libra's too strong for it

i read what you said and thought "yeah but if you're gonna be fair..." lol my ex used to actually tell me i'm retarded with how much i care about **** being fair and even, but i do deeply it bothers the **** out of me otherwise

you seem difficult to date lol i'm pretty laid back about most **** but i tend to just keep things casual with most people too because unless i feel something deep it just doesn't interest me

i start to feel guilty though if someone else has feelings and i don't, like i'm being unfair to them or something just by not reciprocating and then i feel like i have to make up for that

posted July 31, 2019 11:29 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dumuzi:
@Brenda_S:

the witch? i actually ****** her after she did a past life ritual i told her not to do, i couldn't hold it her against i auto wrote about it and meeting her years before i met her (no **** i had this pcp induced black out and i autowrote a bunch of **** and so far most of it has happened, some of it i won't know about til i die because my death was in there too) so it seemed pointless and after she did that she got scared to **** around too much anyway because the results were stronger than she expected

long story there, but it's how i ended up here talking to you

ok so here's the thing about that last time i saw her (my ex fiancee i mean) we were smoking a blunt together and she brought up the witch out of ******* nowhere (keep in mind we were already broken up at the time) and told me she's never forgiven me for that or herself for telling me she was ok with it and then lying to me about being ok with it for years

and she just started ranting about how ****** up it was for her and how she holds it against me etc meanwhile before it happened she told me she was ok with me ******* other people, she knew before things got serious, she gave me the green light and never said anything for years etc and so on

and i told her that if she just didn't lie to me then that never would've happened because i wouldn't have done something to hurt her ever if she had just said it would

and she gave me some whole "i didn't want to lose you and i thought you would hate me speech" while going on and on about how many years of pain it caused her (and clearly she's still mad about it to be bringing it up) and i told her maybe if she was honest instead of ******* around and lying that she would've found out and have given me an actual choice

the truth is i would've just not done anything and stayed with her, because it's not like me and that chick stayed together for years after i stayed with my ex and didn't even try to chase that you know?

and i told her as much and she went on about how it was too late for that and all this other ******** but i ignored her and kept talking because i wanted her to know my side of **** because her projections were ******** and wrong

i'm not 100 percent on **** with the other people after that and how she felt, i think when she's picked the people it might've been more ok with her but i think it was somehow spiteful or whatever on some weird twisted level i can't understand or imagine lol

but yeah that's a complicated mess i don't understand, and i'm not 100% that she gets it either

she also kept getting close and saying **** that sounded like she wanted to get back together then telling me to stop trying to get back with her (i didn't actually do anything or attempt anything) and the time before that she went to kiss me then got mad and ran out the door so who the **** knows with that ****

but yeah she acknowledges her mood swings and the erratic behavior and all that is an issue sometimes, but then when you mention doing something productive she just lies and says everything is fine because she doesn't want to put in the work she has this thing where just keeps being destructive instead and stubbornly so

i know it's not my fault, but she blames literally everything on me she has a hard time accepting blame and when she does if i agree with her then that's just a way to set her off though

last time she called me a couple days ago (we occasionally end up talking for hours like since we broke up but usually it's a couple of texts every day and she'll tell me she loves me or some **** like that) i straight up told her she's being a trainwreck and she told me i'm one to talk (she said some **** she just made up about the guy i had hooked up with, and i had to correct her then she shut up and changed the subject...which btw first thing she asked me about that guy was if him and i had sex then wanted to know how it was) then sent me a picture of her in lingerie told me she had thought about ******* me both times she seen me and then told me we weren't getting back together (again wasn't trying) even though the time before that she had mentioned some **** about the future and on other occasions she has too

it's different every day, but that's what our relationship was too, only thing that doesn't change is her telling me she loves me

so this break up has been a lot of that kind of thing from her while she simultaneously makes a lot of really bad decisions and hasn't been sober to think about anything (and i get it i love drugs and alcohol but i've mostly been sober lately because i've needed to think and figure out what to do) and tells me about them

then gets defensive when i give her advice because i care and she's a ******* trainwreck who keeps telling me she's crying every day and depressed, but also she's happy and fine and things are great

i'm not sure if this is some ****** up test or not, but i don't entirely care right now i'm mostly concerned with getting my own life together whether she's in it in the future or not and continuing to do the longterm **** i already planned to do

she's the kind of person who sabotages every situation i've created for us because of her issues and impatience and makes it hard to keep something stable going or to build from any given foundation

it's not so much that i give in it's more that we'd fight and if we didn't agree then life would just happen and i'd deal with whatever that meant when i had to

but she gets frustrated by things not going her way even though she creates situations where they can't, every time she gets close to something she purposely ***** it all up instead of following through and i can admittedly be bad with follow through, but it's not from a sabotage sort of place the way it is with her

right now the way to help her is honestly to do what i need to do for myself and to get **** together in the same ways i would've if she was here and let her dig herself a really deep hole so she can undeniably see that i'm actually right and she needs help and her ****** up situations are of her own creation not mine

in the meantime i'm staying her friend and she knows i love her and she knows if she needs anything i'm around, but this just has to run its course

if we get back together we get back together if not i'll find someone else i'm in no rush

this is just one of those situations where i need to be able to say "told you so" and show her that without me she creates awful situations that lack stability and that without her no one sabotages the foundations i can put together and they can built upon

i'm not too concerned aside from not wanting her to do something stupid that gets her killed or some **** you know?

i already know she has it in her head that she either can come back or will because she says as much, but that's for future me to deal with and i want the grounds to set the terms if that's the case so i'm getting them

---

I guess you're lucky she cares about you and she gave a d@mn that it had a stronger effect than she had originally planned for. I know someone that as a younger boy knew a witch which hated on a guy so decided to break his leg. He told me the next day the guy actually went around with crutches he got so freaked out and stopped hanging around by her. So yeah dunno thing is that people that are into these stuff must have a dark side to them and if they have a dark side they're probably fine with doing dark things to people ya know. So I guess she has a soft spot for you. I mean must be otherwise she wouldn't run after you.

D@mn yeah ok this makes more sense lol it seemed odd to me that from one side she should be totally cool with it while at the same time should have a difficult personality to deal with. It just didn't click well in my brain lol. Falls into place now.

Reading about it it's like typical romance drama you see in movies lol. Sounds like fun. Well from my side at least lol I'm sorry though yeah it's draining I'm sure.

You got a lot staying power to be able to deal with this gotta say. I totally get now why you're saying your life's a roller coaster, even just reading about it. It's difficult but I think I can relate to both sides. Like I get her in the sense that when you're revolved in emotion you lose your clear-headedness and act stupidly but I get you and why it's a relationship killer. Cuz it sure is.

Lol damn I wonder what a Scorpio Venus would feel like having in ones' life. My ex is a Scorpio Mars but that's it. There's this other guy lately with a Scorpio Venus, yeah he doesn't seem to be scared of difficulty in women lol I straight up told him what I told you earlier... Like I was joking about it. And he was like "I can handle it, and plan to. If you allow me to that is". They seem to love it. He claimed that it means there's more to such individuals than what seems on the surface. I found that odd coming from a guy (not in a stereotypical way, just as far as my experience goes), I think all the guys I were involved with in the past had their Venus in fire for the most part. Also air (my ex) and 2 earth individuals based on my recollection but no water, at least not that I remember. So yeah this was different and interesting. (nothing materialized though he sent me a message the next day which I didn't get a notification for since SMS messages to that number I receive through an app that's buggy a bit. I apologized just yesterday or 2 days ago when I had just seen it. He seemed to respond coldly when really I'm unsure why cuz he was kinda enthusiastic about me before. He has a Cancer Moon (my Mars conjunct it) opposite Uranus and his Venus in Scorpio as I said so he might have gotten insulted dunno. Can't think of another reason cuz literally nothing happened since that message he sent me the following day till 2 days ago.)

But yeah that's pretty erratic her actions. I really don't know how you handle it. I guess love is really powerful sometimes lol. I have this friend with lots of Pluto/Scorpio in her chart (Scorpio Sun/Venus/Mercury from the twelfth conjunct Scorpio ASC, Pluto Scorpio in the 1st square Moon). I like her and like chilling with her. But it's draining she acts coldly when she gets insulted and I'm never sure if it's just because she's insulted or just doesn't care (her Moon is in Aquarius). So dunno I feel like I should care more for her but it's extremely draining. Like extremely. So hats off to you.

I'm curious you keep on saying that you're doing your thing whether or not she's in it for the long haul... Does she make contacts to your South Node? I'm curious if that's the type of 'holding back' such dynamics are generally spoken about with nodal contacts.

But yeah it's difficult for sure when you try to create something for yourself and someone keeps on destroying it for you. I get it.

this is just one of those situations where i need to be able to say "told you so"

Lol off topic but I wonder if that's more Pluto or Leo talking.

But I hear you. I definitely get it.

posted August 01, 2019 12:54 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dumuzi:
@Brenda_S
lol funny that you mention the crime rates because gravesend was legit the only place i lived where i've called the cops for some **** that went down

idk how familiar you are with it there but there's all these alleys between the houses, and in the middle of the night my ex and i were laying on the couch watching a movie and we hear this woman ******* screaming and running right our window and then we heard someone running after her

also do you remember that kid, i can't remember his name right now the one who got abducted by that guy who took him around and then chopped him up and dumped him in all the garbage cans and **** (they were both orthodox jews) anyway one of his body parts was found either on the block i lived or a couple blocks over some **** like that not long after i moved

i've never really bothered going over to brooklyn heights, i've been there but it doesn't really stick out

when i say i mostly just did drugs in prospect park, i really can't stress "mostly" enough

i've been here for years now 2 1/2 straight and i've lived here on/off since i was 22

i kept going back to brooklyn getting into **** coming here and cleaning up repeat

it's cool though i chill with deer now (no **** i actually have deer friends) and i'm not killing myself with drugs

interesting reason to not eat, usually when i just don't bother with that it's sheer laziness or because my stomach can't handle food that day without intense pain

i've done it for fasting/meditation purposes too though

why do you think it's uranus making you feel that sort of discomfort?

italians are loud, very loud, my ex had to adjust to learning that italian talking isn't yelling when she was around my family

rome was cool, the graffiti there was great and the people are typically really friendly and then it's interesting to walk around because you've got ancient ruins with a ******* coffee shop across the street and **** so it's got a really weird feel to it

pluto on my ic has been having me think of all the **** i need to change and there's been a lot of pulling **** away so that i'm in a place where i'm forced to focus and make changes should be interesting when it goes back, but yeah these have been intense transits

there's this odd thing though where even the **** that's been negative has felt like a positive necessary thing that i feel comfortable with because of where it's putting me

i just trust that things are going to be in a very different place when this is all done and i know i'll be good, no matter what's gone i just know that

you should this way then winter starts in november sometimes earlier and then doesn't end forever it's terrible, i don't do well with cold weather

i know what movie you're talking about, just because of the controversy surrounding it, islands are nice though but i burn so ******* bad in the sun that it sucks

hawaii is really expensive though i have cousin who lived for a little while, she liked it but according one of my old drug dealers who was born there and lived there a while it's pretty ******* dangerous if you step out of the wrong area especially depending on what you look like

you should do something drastic, if it doesn't work out i'm sure you could probably be exactly where you are right now again all things considered so there's no real consequence other than experience

actually when i think about it makes sense that cancers put you off, that's a part of you that you're not entirely comfortable with and they would reflect it back at you in their similarities so you having the knee jerk reaction to pull away makes sense

and the moon **** makes it make even more sense because you already have that detachment going and then it's an air moon too so you can fulfill yourself to a point without the heaviness

i think the "i don't really want to care" kind of just sums up everything for you with that, and i get that, i can't get past the unfairness when it comes to selfishness though lol the libra's too strong for it

i read what you said and thought "yeah but if you're gonna be fair..." lol my ex used to actually tell me i'm retarded with how much i care about **** being fair and even, but i do deeply it bothers the **** out of me otherwise

you seem difficult to date lol i'm pretty laid back about most **** but i tend to just keep things casual with most people too because unless i feel something deep it just doesn't interest me

i start to feel guilty though if someone else has feelings and i don't, like i'm being unfair to them or something just by not reciprocating and then i feel like i have to make up for that

it creates some stupid situations sometimes

---

Haha ok well I take it back then.

And yeah I remember that kid. Leiby Kletzky. Wow d@mn so close I thought it was more in the Boro Park area, unless is Gravesend close-by? I'm not really familiar. It feels so weird talking about something so close to home with someone on the internet lol it's just weird. I mean I didn't know the kid but it was a major deal in our community during that time.

Thanks for telling me about Prospect Park lol although I'd assume it's an area for junkies I don't think I would have thought about it much at all if I'd choose to move there. I mean not all junkies are created equal but some could be violent. I guess being a women makes me more cautious when it comes to such stuff. (BJJ is on my to do list lol gotta know this stuff)

Wow that's a long time ok cool I guess that's enough time to make some deer friends along the way lol. That's cool though.

I don't usually have an issue with food which is why I remember this lol. I remember being fidgety about it and hungry at the same time just checking the cabinet for food and didn't have the focusing capacity at that point for it lol I was just stressed out trying to formulate a moving plan so just went into my room instead.

**** so wait eating messes with your stomach? Can't imagine that happening to me lol. Perhaps it's just the types of food intake?

Hahaha dunno the only time I've come close to Italians are on movies. My uncle used to work for an Italian who I heard a lotta **** about lol it was a love hate situation I think and I actually dated a guy whose Mom is an Italian convert. But other than that that's it.

About the Pluto transit... Did you feel it at first and check the transit to see if it matches or was it vice versa, you saw the transit coming... Cuz I'm sometimes curious if it's not a law of attraction idea when it comes to transits.

Yeah drastic changes sometimes feel really good. On the IC it may feel disruptive maybe at first? I mean I guess but as you said it's for the better. Hopefully.

Yeah I'm not good with the Sun either I'm pale and burn pretty quickly. But I don't think that would necessarily deter me. I'd just use suntan lotion duh lol. I'd probably be more bothered by the heat or how expensive it is. At least my current viewpoint.

Dangerous in what sense? Curious if you can elaborate.

I definitely agree lol thanks for being on board 😆 yeah drastic is fun gives you the best experiences. And it's true I can just go back to the place I'm currently at if it doesn't work for me. I hope I'd be self sufficient by then though and I wouldn't need to live here but yeah.

Yeah I understand your view with the Libra balancing and stuff. I have too many of such in my life to not know what you're referring to lol. It's good though you need 'em here and there ya know. It's funny it's so engrained like my sister since a young age would be so careful what she says to people and be like 'you wouldn't want them saying this to you, would you?' typa thing. It's pretty cute coming from a kid. Her Libra Moon conjunct her ASC so it's a really prominent character in her chart. But it's good kinda makes me realize stuff that I wouldn't otherwise. Cuz it's her Moon so doesn't necessarily force it unto people like Mars probably would, but kinda reflects stuff I guess so it's mild but very there. Probably Venus there would be similar.

It's interesting being without water and not giving a **** about people from one side but actually being bothered by unfairness. I guess for morals sake rather? Like how do you describe this feeling lol what makes you bothered by it when not caring about that person to begin with?

And I know lol sometimes I feel so selfish when I don't care. But I do I just can't explain it lol. I don't 'act' as if I care if that makes sense. At least that's what my mom claims lol she thinks I'm downright selfish so I guess she must be right. But if I were to explain it from my point of view... I do truly care and sometimes even bothered to my core for certain things. But then I'm like 'if I'm gonna do this then that person will be jealous so gotta do that too' and by the end of it all I have too many people to please so I'm just like forget it another time. And I literally shut the valve off lol I force myself to not care. And if (my mom mostly) brings such up I become extremely irritated cuz I already have an entire story backing it everything just falls apart lol it's fuck3d up anyway. And her Scorpio Mars doesn't stop she never gives it up she'll drill me till there's nothin to drill no more.

Lol yeah I would probably agree with you that I'm difficult to date. I wonder though if I'm not exaggerating this part of me given that it's in my first house and this is what I see. Cuz literally every guy I've been with (and not cuz they wanted to make me feel good that much I can tell) told me that they like my easygoing nature and that I'm really chill. This one guy a Sag, was first like 'i never encountered a girl as chill' and after a while he got just insecure about it lol he thought that I'm just not into him at all. So it's either cuz they don't know me as well and I'm just feeling my Cancer energy more than anybody else does. Or maybe they're right lol dunno. I know my ex used to be soo insecure about this I was with him for 6+ years and it literally bothered him that he's not enough for me and that I don't care. So I really don't know how I come off as. But what I feel? I do feel that I'm really complicated lol. And maybe because I feel it I fight it so hard that people just feel the Uranus end of the stick dunno and perhaps they think I'm disinterested instead of insecure lol. But whenever I'm involved with a person at least it's very difficult on me.

posted August 01, 2019 01:59 AM            

i wasn't thrilled, but at the same time it was a really deep experience that left me with absolutely no choice other than to dig into the occult

everyone has their dark sides, it's a matter of choice whether or not you act on them

i've been ******* around with the occult for years now and don't generally do anything that results in manifestation and i'm not particularly into **** like vengeance because it's largely a waste of time and energy

i figure life ***** with people well enough and that kind of energy and work should be used for larger things rather than small ones

that being said i don't actually believe in good or evil or any kind of objective morality, and i think ideas like karma are just used to keep people weak so i suppose it's a good thing that i don't feel as though manifestation and using that kind of thing over people is a good idea in most cases because i'm ultimately not the sort of person who sees most things as wrong depending on situation

if someone asked me to sacrifice millions of people i didn't know in exchange for one thing or person i cared about deeply i'd see that as a completely worthwhile exchange and have no remorse over it in all honesty

that's not the sort of thing most people want to hear but it's true all the same, i think many things that people feel uncomfortable with are the things that keep them weak in the material world, and when you speak of other planes i feel like it's exactly the same

passivity and weakness are ingrained in people through societal norms (figures like martin luther king being held up as a gold standard of human behavior) because if they weren't those who were willing to do what it takes to achieve power would have more of a struggle to maintain it

through understanding the nature of reality you have the control to manipulate it, and in doing so you have power but you can't have control of that power if you offer everyone an equal chance

so morals and teachings are useful tools because in a sense they serve no real purpose in reality other than as a way for people who choose to live beyond them to face less consequences

that all being said years of internal work is the better place to start and manifestation itself is partially a matter of opportunity that's why astrology is so useful, pay attention to the state of the universe around you and you have a better idea of what you can and can't do and when to strike

it's all pretty useless though if you spend your time worrying about breaking some guy's leg, that's just a petty waste of energy which is where most people tend to end up focusing on when they have that dark side

like i said internal work than bigger things makes more sense to me

as for my ex fiancee it's definitely not fun to deal with, but cap mars and low water probably help lol also moon-mercury and moon-uranus

i'm not the type who just gets caught in emotional spirals like that and drags them into this crazy dramatic state, so it's hard for me to really get her

to me you can have feelings and they don't necessarily mean **** , feelings aren't something to always live by and definitely shouldn't be that's crazy, short sighted and dumb ultimately a waste of time

but she's the get caught up in emotions no matter how frivolous or ****** up they are and she'll just burn herself out and everyone around her in a fit of them

dating one is intense, but my ex also had it conjunct pluto with a scorpio mercury and then **** like pisces mars square saturn in her chart

my mother is a scorpio venus (and ascendant and mercury and neptune) and being their kid is less bad, but the aspects alter it i'm sure

i've been with 2 people with scorpio mars the witch and that guy from last week that's a fun one too, they all kind of amount to the same **** ultimately

i tend to go for water heavy people, because i lack it i guess and i tend to find them drawn to me

he responded coldly because you didn't get back to him immediately and that's the sort of thing that's an issue the witch used to fight with herself basically in my texts if i missed something because i was busy

i'd check my **** and find a **** ton of texts of her arguing with no one because i didn't respond quick enough

she'd also get mad at me for "being too calm" that's always a fun thing to get yelled at for

they don't like feeling ignored because they give the silent treatment and **** like that when they play games, so when you do it it's for rational reasons but if they were to do it it would be some kind of manipulative tactic and scorpio heavy people and pluto hard aspects in particular tend to project what they would do onto other people and act out that reality

so he was probably doing that to you

it's definitely draining, but i can put up with all manner of **** indefinitely is the thing lol cap mars probably to blame for that, most things don't phase me or keep me from going in whatever direction i've decided

aside from that i made her promises, and they've been backed in blood and occult ritual so you know kind of important keeping those in spite of adversity

i don't make promises lightly, if i say something and promise it then i'm going to do it and i'll do it no matter what, because if i think i might back down or i'm not all in i don't promise ****

our nodes are conjunct, she's a few months younger than me i just say it because i already had plans and i'm not altering them so it's up to her if she wants to participate in plans she made or not

it's partially just about showing her that it was possible and she didn't have to be dramatic and destructive though, which is a little petty, but oh well

it's probably the leo, but i'm sure the pluto doesn't help lol and yeah luck is on my side

i've already got this, it's just a matter of the present catching up to the future right now that's manifestation works

you have it already, you just have to hold your **** together while you get there

the thing is her and i have done a lot of occult work together, and there's **** that's already been settled, i don't lose sight of things over feelings or setbacks she does

posted August 01, 2019 02:34 AM            

yeah it was only once but i've never had that issue elsewhere and i'm the type of person who wanders around in the middle of the night high as ****

they found parts of him over by east 2nd which is where i was, but he was scattered pretty ******* good around a few jewish neighborhoods if i remember right

lol i could see why it's weird, i'm actually surprised you're from brooklyn too just because we've been talking and it never occurred to me you weren't that far from me most of my life

i'll let you in on a secret the entire city is full of junkies currently, opioid crisis lol prospect park for the most part isn't dangerous even in the middle of the night provided you stay on the park slope side, when you go over by the carousel and the skating rink and **** then you might find people who are more likely to **** with you, but that's during the day too

i've passed out in the park and been fine

yeah it's been a while, this is my don't kill yourself with drugs spot lol whenever i'm in brooklyn i just binge endlessly all kinds of **** and there's drugs everywhere but it's real different for me there and if i stayed without breaks i'd probably be dead no ****

there's been points where i was doing **** like drinking whiskey while i ******* used cocaine, xanax, heroin, oxys, and muscle relaxers while i smoked weed just all at once and i'd have nights where i'd just stay awake while my whole body was numb and tingling feeling like i fell asleep and my heart rate dropped at all i wouldn't wake back up

that was normal for me, and i'm not a big guy so i'd have people who were heavy into **** and doing it right alongside asking me how i wasn't dead

i do that where i look in the cabinet and then making a decision is overwhelming so i just don't eat

it's literally that any solid food will come right back up, there's plenty of foods i have to avoid too though or should due to bad reactions but sometimes everything is so ****** that anything is going to cause pain

i've had bad stomach issues since i was a kid, my whole digestive system is ****** and my body hates me lol but i know really well when i can push it and when i can't

even **** like drinking something that's really cold ******* kills me

most italians are generally pretty welcoming, but you have to adjust to the loud **** like i said my ex would mistake conversation for fighting sometimes and **** like that

with transits i don't necessarily predict anything i just look to see what possible conditions exist and see how they play out so i'm always aware of them without expectation

with pluto it's been unavoidable **** outside of myself that's done it

it's all been disruptive but when you don't know what longterm stability feels like it's not too bad

suntan lotion only works so well for me and when i was in the caribbean it did fuckall i still burned, i tend to just wait until night to go out if it's summer and really sunny or really early in the day

lot of muggings and **** though from what she told me, this was years ago i used to get pcp laced weed off her so i was 22 it could've changed by now but mostly a lot of robbery there's a lot of poor natives and tourists who go out of tourist areas are targets

yeah you don't want to leave expecting to go back, but if you have that option at least it's inconsequential to go

yeah i don't force the issue with fairness, but i prefer to act in that manner because things just flow better when you do and yeah if you wouldn't like it probably best to not do it since in most cases there's no valid reason anyway

i just see fairness on an individual level as a matter of civility, and i'll treat someone i dislike fairly because that's not really a matter of feelings

when feelings come into play fairness is generally less likely because they can get in the way of that

i just find it to be a decent way to operate that generally works and i can't see a reason to behave otherwise

i find that being selfish frequently makes things harder in the long run because it affects the people around you and they're less likely to be cooperative or to feel like they should bend at all

giving in most matters that are largely inconsequential and some that aren't works better longterm when you come to a point where you actually need something

you do seem like you're pretty chill, but sometimes someone being that way just means they're a good friend rather than someone you can date, because when you're actually involved with someone other layers of who they are come out

i probably shouldn't feel bad and i know it's irrational to but i can't help it, i always feel like i'm being cruel to someone if they really like me but i don't reciprocate maybe that's my sun trine neptune or just feeling like it's unbalanced and not fair

part of it is attracting heavy water people too though, they'll feel so deeply and then i won't and it makes me depressed for them

posted August 01, 2019 03:40 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Brenda_S:
It's odd the 2 people I crushed on shared the same birthday. Not year, but month/day. I dunno what it means but it was really odd.

[b] I used to give a lot to my partners w/o considering my needs.
I used to be the same way. I always thought I felt satisfied cuz they were. Lately I'm very different though I don't tolerate much in people. I can't say I handle it properly but I definitely don't think that if they're fine then I sure am. No way that goes down.

It's true I lately realized that I kinda appreciate my first house Venus. Yeah it makes me narcissistic to some extent but so far it doesn't necessarily bother me. The way I feel about myself is pretty important to me and I never realized the huge difference it makes in my overall goings about in life. [/B]

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Yeah, I used to be so giving I didn't think for myself + I always feel that I need to be this/that in order to be loved, but I realised that men don't love you just because you do things for them or are always there, always accommodating. I'm not saying don't be nice... just saying don't be too nice. Having said this, I can still be too easygoing at times but I'm more conscious of it now. If I'm not comfortable with certain things I'll say no. If I'm becoming too available, I'll back off.

posted August 01, 2019 04:16 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Dumuzi:
ok so here's the thing about that last time i saw her (my ex fiancee i mean) we were smoking a blunt together and she brought up the witch out of ******* nowhere (keep in mind we were already broken up at the time) and told me she's never forgiven me for that or herself for telling me she was ok with it and then lying to me about being ok with it for years

and she just started ranting about how ****** up it was for her and how she holds it against me etc meanwhile before it happened she told me she was ok with me ******* other people, she knew before things got serious, she gave me the green light and never said anything for years etc and so on

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Can't help but respond cos this sound a bit like my guy (he has Pluto conj Moon, square Mars and a Scorpio Juno. His 5th cusp in Scorpio). The whole time up till recently he has been pushing me away, telling me to move on and find a better guy. But when he found out that I'd a fling with another guy he got so jealous mad, told me he can't stop thinking about it and that he actually loves me so much.

I didn't believe it because his emotional outburst came so sudden and strong. I got a shock. He said he had been running away from his feelings as love makes him vulnerable (also due to a bad experience with his ex).

At times he sounded like he hates me now but he said he doesn't... and that this is all his fault, but he's obviously very affected by my fling as he keeps asking about that guy. But he also became very nice & loving to me like he's finally coming out with his feelings so I feel a mix of strong love/hate from him.

He told me that he didn't mean what he said before (i.e. asking me to move on) so I asked why he kept saying that then and making me feel that he didn't love me? I believe he was testing me (for whatever stupid reason) and the hate made him realise his love. When I tried to figure out his feelings it all seemed convoluted to me.

posted August 01, 2019 06:13 AM            

she has pluto conjunct venus in scorpio, trine mars (pisces), trine jupiter (pisces), sextile neptune, square ascendant/descendant (aquarius), biquintile moon (aries)

all her feelings always seem convuluted to me (she also has moon square neptune so i'm pretty sure they often are, her moon is also biquintile venus, trine saturn, trine mercury, sextile ascendant, trine midheaven) and i'm fairly sure they are to her, they're always swinging back and forth and she's always telling me she lied about (insert something here) and then gets mad at me if i believed whatever she said

just really ******* weird **** like that, and none of it makes any sense and all of it just causes issues

there's a lot of love/hate with her and feelings she doesn't grasp, and she reacts to things in ways that don't make sense

he might've been testing you and you could be completely right, but honestly with scorpio placements it can be really hard to tell and sometimes it doesn't even feel worth it to bother sorting through all of it

i know for a fact my ex has trouble being vulnerable i've known her too long to not see that, but the problem is when that comes with game playing and always trying to have an upperhand and pushing etc it gets old

well with the witch... she told me it was ok if i was with a guy but she'd kill me if it was a girl, and then when it was a woman who i ended up being interested in she just pretended to be ok

she had sex with this girl, they became friends, and i didn't do anything until they were on good terms with each other and had been talking and repeatedly told it was all fine etc

i kept asking her too, it's not like i just got a green light once then went for it

i let them get to know each other, let her tell me how she felt, open communication the whole time (on my end) and then just not with her

all she had to do was say "i'm uncomfortable" and nothing would've ever happened and the only reason it did in the first place was at the time she was going through a whole bunch of mood swing depression **** and she told me to see other people (again she was more comfortable with it being a guy at the time, which i guess makes sense why she didn't throw the other threesomes and **** in my face and only clung to the woman)

even recently while we were dating she would flip her **** over this one chick i know and i talking sometimes, we only ever talked (not even heavy flirting, i know she finds me attractive and vice versa but we've kept it really light), but she knew i'd **** her so she'd say weird **** when we'd fight about other things about how i should just go be with my friend (who i've never had sex with)

sometimes out of nowhere when i hadn't even spoken to her in weeks so it'd be really surprising

just very deeply jealous of something completely innocent

though even with that guy she just had to ask about sex and then ask for details so it's hard to tell

he might love you, i can't tell you for sure, but scorpio placements and pluto don't put as much in as they expect on any consistent basis

they play games they can't control then get angry at outcomes and **** too, it's like running across no man's land hoping you don't lose a limb along the way dealing with that **** sometimes

i get dealing with it, but honestly right now things are good but any time he feels insecure he'll play games and they might be worse than the ones he played before you made him jealous

it's a lot to deal with and you'll likely never stop feeling confused tbh