posted December 09, 2009 06:47 PM         

Maybe it can be blamed on some astrology...

posted December 09, 2009 10:14 PM         

I feel exactly this way. I dunno if "apathy" is the right word, or just....like I am remotely viewing everything. Once I was put on some kind of anti-depressant years ago, I think it was called, "paxil" anyway, I felt this same way. Like I was inside a bubble. I'm not taking anything now, btw.
I thought it was maybe because I have had this flu for so long, but I dunno.

Last night, I was looking through some charts and trying to figure things out, and I just flung them off the bed. I was thinking "oh, screw it, what does it matter, it isn't like I can control anything anyway, so why bother?"

Then tonight in the shower, I was thinking about my own chart, my natal. I started having these random thoughts about what a terrible person I am, and how I'll never be happy, and there isn't anything I can do about it. I was wishing I never learned some of it.

Very strange times. People around me are doing and saying bizarre things lately. I cannot understand the actions of others, when usually, I find some reason for just about everything.

posted December 10, 2009 03:53 AM         

I suppose that phase has past

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quote:

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"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies with in us."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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posted December 10, 2009 11:28 AM         

You know all the cliches, and if I repeat them now, I'll just be a talking head to you. But, still, I feel moved to try to say something. To reach you through the membrane of your present isolation. I wonder, do you also feel like a stranger to yourself, or only to others? Or do you, perhaps, feel closer to yourself in some way? Whatever this is (that you are going through -- or were going through on the 9th), I believe it has something to teach you. Maybe its time to leave the mystical alone, and bring God down to earth, so to speak. To reflect on ethics, art, politics, or any number of seemingly more mundane concerns. Maybe not. Anyway, whatever it is, it will pass (into something else). Can't escape the cliches, lol. Like Yin, I've also got a Saturn sextile going on, that will last until October of next year. My Merc/Mars conjunction in Sagittarius. I've needed a flowing Saturn transit for awhile, and I am really grateful for this one. I wrote something last night that might have some relevance for you, as a "theater-goer". It may be easier for you to practice in your current state:

Consider yourself a ghost, observing the activities of the living, without power to intercede or give censure. Imagine that the world and those who inhabit it have lost all relevance for you. Pass by without attachment.

I'm really into the writings of the hermits and monks right now, and they have a lot to do with disconnection or dislocation. They entered the desert, or other places removed from the hubbub, and entered into their isolation, -- a seemingly hostile, inhospitable, or uninhabitable place -- and made it their home. Isolation and disconnection were, for them, the first step in their assent toward God. Perhaps you are not leaving spiritual matters behind, so much as entering upon a deeper relationship with them? Anyway, everything I've said may have no relevance for you and may only have increased your sense of isolation, but.. maybe that's not a bad thing. Sometimes we have to step out of the picture to see it objectively, and to locate our place within it.

Love to you,
S

posted December 10, 2009 11:02 PM         

Thanks for posting this, makes me feel less alone, and I alwasy appreciate your insight.

Valus: i like that you are researching writings written by people who have chosen solitude. I believe that solitude is necessary for spiritual growth, not only from personal experience, but based on the experiences of "enlightened" people from various religions. There is so much to be learned away from the squabbles and emotions of every day people.

posted December 10, 2009 11:49 PM         

Solitude is,
more than anything,
a state of mind.

posted December 10, 2009 11:58 PM         

quote:

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but not without proper time for assimilation

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I often think there's not enough time in the world to assimilate the experience of a single minute. Life is like this river that keeps tumbling in on us, and every moment we are confronted with some new conundrum. Perhaps the only way to maintain our bearings is to set a course for Love, and hope for the best?

We must make up our minds to be ignorant of much, if we would know anything at all. ~ John Henry Newman

'Would you know your Lord's meaning in this thing? Know it well. Love was his meaning. Who showed it to you? Love. What did he show you? Love. Why did he show it? For love. Keep yourself therein and you shall know and understand more in the same. But you shall never know nor understand any other thing, forever.' - Julian of Norwich

posted December 11, 2009 12:06 PM         

Maybe it's because of something theyre doing to us up there with Haarp in Alaska. lol

Gypsee, "remotely viewing everything" ! Yes, exactly. And i've been that way with astrology for awhile too. Things can be interpreted in so many different ways. Who's to say I know if i'm going to be right about an upcoming transit or whatever? I don't really play with it anymore. Why bother? Those thoughts you had in the shower - i get them too. I think; 'this might just be it...this might be as good as it gets' time and age is settling in. Death and old age has been creeping up in my mind alot; how i will die and how i'll probably be alone. And yes, where i used to be able to find reasons and explanations for everything, they dont really come to me anymore. I can't manage to dish out the old answers; they seem dead now. My dad's death did a number on me and I don't really look at life or "god" the same way anymore and probably never will. Thanks for sharing. Hope it gets better for you.

kat, you could be right!

posted December 11, 2009 12:37 PM         

Also I should say that the feelings are not really exclusive to LL, if i think about it.

Valus, thanks for trying to reach through. I had to think about your question, 'do you also feel like a stranger to yourself, or only others?', for a bit. Really, it's mostly others. Not always, but most of the time, i'm comfortable with myself. It may be that I spend too much time alone (even when i'm with people) or around people that could never quite relate to. It would be nice to meet others more like myself, but i've given up on it and just enjoy whoever i may be around and however...shallow or fearful they may be - i really do enjoy and accept them and am able to make the best of the moment. I don't mean to say shallow and fearful in a judgemental negative way either, that's just how a lot of people are. Mostly because they havent spent much time with themselves, i think. People are afraid to be vulnerable and open up or take off their masks and just be themselves it seems. Whereas I feel free to be me most of the time and watch many others put on fronts or skim their surfaces. So, yes, i feel pretty close to myself, maybe too close, which could be why others feel so far away and different. Inner feelings can be hard to put into words properly especially when youve done a lot of inner work or soul searching. A friend of mine told me the other day while shaking his head: 'youre are an extremely complex person' and i took it as a compliment. lol Yet, i was suprised because I think the opposite, that i'm pretty simple really. Who knows?

Consider yourself a ghost, observing the activities of the living, without power to intercede or give censure. Imagine that the world and those who inhabit it have lost all relevance for you. Pass by without attachment.

Seems i dont have to imagine it, that's really how it is. lol The sense of futileness sometimes is overwhelming though and it that's not really a nice place to be.

I'm really into the writings of the hermits and monks right now, and they have a lot to do with disconnection or dislocation. They entered the desert, or other places removed from the hubbub, and entered into their isolation, -- a seemingly hostile, inhospitable, or uninhabitable place -- and made it their home.

Yes, ive been there in a sense. Now it feels like i smile and watch the hubbub around me, i'm there, but at the same time, inside, live in this desert where thoughts are heavy and deep and i'm far away from it all. Whereas before, in the past, the feelings of isolation and aloneness were comforting, they are not so much anymore.

Maybe i need an anti depressant.

posted December 11, 2009 12:41 PM         

quote:

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my spiritual practice is OK, its becoming more real, more put in the real world, but at the same time I feel less connected to "it"...if that makes any sense.

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posted December 11, 2009 01:10 PM         

I think a lot of people feel that way, even to the point where those feelings of unity and oneness are rare exceptions to the rule. Disconnection is, for them, sort of the default setting. The white noise. Its such a fundamental part of their experience, they have ceased to recognize it as something they are experiencing. You're very lucky to have known the feelings of connection which you have known.

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Maybe it's because of something theyre doing to us up there with Haarp in Alaska. lol

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God, I hope not. Scary.

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...astrology... Things can be interpreted in so many different ways. Who's to say I know if i'm going to be right about an upcoming transit or whatever? I don't really play with it anymore. Why bother?

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The manifestation of certain energies can differ tremendously, yes, which is why I do not go in for mundane, predictive, astrology. The archetypal themes, however, are fairly "predictable". In that sense, transits may only corroborate what we already intuitively know, or, at best, elaborate upon and bring into focus what we've already glimpsed. It's important to recognize the limitations of astrology. Also, its uses.

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I think; 'this might just be it...this might be as good as it gets' time and age is settling in.

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Again, I think this is the how the majority of people feel, even to the point of not giving it a second thought. They're beaten down by life, and rather than recognize that they're depressed and in need of something, they turn it into a worldview. "That's just the way it is." I'm not saying there is hope for these people, lol. I certainly recognize the immensity of the forces arrayed against them. But things do change, and anything can happen.

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Death and old age has been creeping up in my mind alot; how i will die

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Old age scares me, but I frequently look forward to death. I don't think who you are dies, but, that you are, in a sense, born to the fullness of who you really are. Who you are now is just an aspect of who you really are, as soul.

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and how i'll probably be alone.

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But, how could you possibly know that? Or even calculate it as probable? I think, even the people who expect to find a suitable partner, are blindsided when that man, or woman, comes into their life. He/she is never who they expected. And often its our preconceptions of what that person will look like or be like that may inhibit us from recognizing them when they do appear. My unsolicited advice is to stay open to possibility.

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And yes, where i used to be able to find reasons and explanations for everything, they dont really come to me anymore. I can't manage to dish out the old answers; they seem dead now.

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They are dead. I may be wrong, but I'm guessing that your problem isn't in your head. You dont need to change your perspective or reconcile yourself to anything. You need to do something. I'm not sure what. I would say, give up on philosophies, explainations, and points of view, but never give up on trying things out; alternative therapies and whatnot.

quote:

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My dad's death did a number on me and I don't really look at life or "god" the same way anymore and probably never will.

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I hear you, T. Nobody could blame you for reeling from that blow. When someone does recover from a blow like that, I think, it's a profound testament to either their exceptional faith or strength as a person, or to the support they've been lucky enough to receive from others, or to the grace of God, who heals. Or to any combination of these things.

You've ventured to speak of this very personal element in your life, and I hope you will forgive me for venturing to take up that thread here, though I am practically a stranger to you. What I want to say, and I'm sure its nothing you haven't thought of, is that what may be holding you back is the guilt you feel. Perhaps you blame yourself in some way. Forgive me for touching on these profoundly sensitive areas, which I know I cannot really comprehend, never having experienced such a tragedy. But I feel compelled to remind you of how much you sacrificed for him. I probably don't know anybody who would have done what you did, and given so much. And, in addition to the tragedy of his passing, there is the tragedy of losing someone who you put so much effort, and so much of yourself, into. It's okay to be angry with him, and with yourself. But, when you are ready to take it up, there is the work of forgiveness. People think forgiving is easy, elementary stuff. But even when we truly and deeply want to forgive, we can find it difficult. And its not something we do once, but something that we may have to practice for a long time to come. I wish there was some way to relieve you of that chore. All I can do is tell you what a beautiful person you are. And how I have always thought so. And always admired you, for a variety of reasons. I can be so hard on myself, T, and most of the time it is on account of not possessing certain sterling qualities that I see in you, and people like you. Please, dont give way to cynicism, and never give up on life, or on yourself. Both are far too precious.

my love to you,
V

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posted December 11, 2009 01:28 PM         

quote:

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Valus, thanks for trying to reach through. I had to think about your question, 'do you also feel like a stranger to yourself, or only others?', for a bit. Really, it's mostly others. Not always, but most of the time, i'm comfortable with myself. It may be that I spend too much time alone (even when i'm with people) or around people that could never quite relate to. It would be nice to meet others more like myself, but i've given up on it and just enjoy whoever i may be around and however...shallow or fearful they may be - i really do enjoy and accept them and am able to make the best of the moment. I don't mean to say shallow and fearful in a judgemental negative way either, that's just how a lot of people are. Mostly because they havent spent much time with themselves, i think. People are afraid to be vulnerable and open up or take off their masks and just be themselves it seems. Whereas I feel free to be me most of the time and watch many others put on fronts or skim their surfaces. So, yes, i feel pretty close to myself, maybe too close, which could be why others feel so far away and different. Inner feelings can be hard to put into words properly especially when youve done a lot of inner work or soul searching. A friend of mine told me the other day while shaking his head: 'youre are an extremely complex person' and i took it as a compliment. lol Yet, i was suprised because I think the opposite, that i'm pretty simple really. Who knows?

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You're welcome, T.
I see so much insightfulness
in what you just expressed here.

My best friend is really into this antipsychiatry movement right now, and the stuff he is sharing with me about it is pretty convincing, so I'm inclined to say "ixnay on the antidepressantsay". Depression is not a biological condition. But that's the primary assumption of psychiatry. And once you get your foot caught in that revolving door, you are just damaged goods to them. Someone who always needs treatment, drugging, and whose perspective is not to be listened to, but dismissed and answered with drugs. Maybe all you really need is somebody to talk to. Somebody who listens, and won't force their opinions on you. Though they may appear to work in tandem, psychology and psychiatry are worlds apart. I have a lot of faith in the former, and a lot of anxiety about the latter. I have seen one of my friends become a full-blown schizophrenic, and come back to life. He's one of the sanest people I know. I think, what psychiatrists don't understand is how versatile and maleable the mind is, and how human beings are capable of the most incredible emotional and mental states, and that even something as terrifying as schizophrenia can be a passing phase. The biggest problem is that people who experience these extreme states are labelled "sick for life". And this just compounds their fear, isolation, and self-doubt. Once the mental health system gets hold of them, they may never get out. Also, according to studies done by scientists and researchers in the anti-psychiatry movement, the medications prescribed by psychiastrists work by causing brain damage. They are attempts to systematically damage, or fry, certain emotional centers in the brain. Unfortuneately, the science behind them is spotty, at best, and very far from systematic. I would recommend changes in diet, herbal supplementation, acupuncture, or energy work, like Tong Ren Therapy, or something.