posted April 12, 2012 11:27 AM            

He probably took the comment rather hard because he himself has thought about what you've said in the past. There is a big stigma related to people in this sort of situation... a "this is not normal" type thing, and most people aren't comfortable with stigmas like that.

Three examples in particular come to mind. One guy really at home to take care of his mother, one guy at home saving every penny he has for his future (turned out incredibly well for him), and two asexual brothers living and working with their mother.

There is a growing trend of people either staying at home after graduation, or coming back home. It's not as unusual as you may think. In some situations it's perfectly healthy, and some not.

In your situation, for the first guy... it's probably fine. But for the other two, I would guess without knowing much about them, that it's not healthy but they look to the other one as their excuse to stay.

posted April 12, 2012 11:44 AM            

Someone recently decided to tell me that I've accomplished nothing in my life, and that I'm going nowhere. Funny: she hasn't done anything more with her life than I have, and she knows that I wanted to. I also know that she changed her mind about college on the west coast (or at all) because of a man + her own anxiety issues, which I never would have done.

posted April 12, 2012 02:58 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dee:
This is just my personal opinion and also i was speaking about this to somebody the other day.
for some reason i feel it's ok for women to live at home as long as they want but..

when it's men its different unless their helping out their mother with money and other issues.. again it's only my opinion

---

posted April 12, 2012 04:50 PM            

Where I am from it is even common for every family member to live with grandparents in 1 big azz house. I would have enjoyed that actually with either side but it just never seemed to be the practice in mine. Probably would attract too many moochers as well..

posted April 12, 2012 06:09 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by aquaguy91:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Dee:
[b]This is just my personal opinion and also i was speaking about this to somebody the other day.
for some reason i feel it's ok for women to live at home as long as they want but..

when it's men its different unless their helping out their mother with money and other issues.. again it's only my opinion

---

posted April 12, 2012 07:14 PM            

teasel
I know you are not a moocher.
I am talking about people who do not contribute to the household.
I know of too many who do not pull their fair share.
It does not have to be about monetary contributions,
but do they help with household chores and other things?
One of my exes has a brother who does nothing but sit his 45+ year old 450 pound fat asz in his room playing video games all day and eating and well, doing nothing else
for the past decade and a half.
Know of too many of these 40+ year old game addicts who do that.
Why their parents do not boot them is beyond me.
I also know of others who mooch off their kids and expect to be waited on hand and foot, yet are not disabled.
Group living makes sense with the bad economy but does not give anyone the right to goof off and mooch.

posted April 12, 2012 07:15 PM            

My family is already kinda like that. Many in my extended family share hundreds of acres that they live off of, though it's disorganized enough that they can't industrialize (for which I'm grateful though they'd make more money if they did) as there'd be too much bad blood if they had to firmly establish who owned and profited from what, so it's much easier to carry on as they have for over a century. Trailers are pretty common for adults who want to move out of their parents home (the trailer frequently in sight of the home), however, though when a 'rent or whatever dies (or needs to be taken care of) then the family in the trailer (along with the kids) often moves back into the home they grew up in (and either sells the trailer or leaves it for the kids). I have an invite to move back in with my granny any time I want, and I'm 29 (of course I'd be expected to work on the farm, but that was the case even when I lived with her at 13-4, and I did both times while I stayed with her on vacation as an adult). I might take her up on it one day, too.

If it were me I'd diss his behavior not his living at home, since that's the issue.

I also think all families have their dirty laundry (that is, get dysfunctional). Some hide it better than others.

posted April 13, 2012 12:07 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by hippichick:

...was out of a relationship for 20 years till recently.

---

forgive me but am assuming that you and he are the relationship... ?

quote:

---

Originally posted by hippichick:

The middle one frequently disses my kid.

---

why? why does he feel it's his "place" to offer criticism? is he expecting a specific type of behaviour from her towards himself or towards you? are the criticisms about your daughter valid or is he behaving badly?

quote:

---

Originally posted by hippichick:

I am in a whole lot of trouble now for saying what I did.

---

this is the part i don't understand at all... you're in trouble for pointing out that he lives with his mom? is there more to it than that...? from what you have described it would appear that your gentleman friend is over-reacting and i can only make assumptions as to why...it is unfortunate but quite frankly, he sounds like he has some personal issues which need to be worked through and rather than doing so he is focusing on the troubles your daughter is having... deflecting attention from himself... he doesn't sound like he likes himself very much right now - if you can and it's worth it, be patient...and caring... he needs to be reminded that he has value as a person...

This individual has said stupid things to me that really hurt my feelings, but I worked through it, didnt run and certainly would never say that "I cant be around you right now, everytime I look at you, it reminds me of what you really think of me..."

t~~~ [/B][/QUOTE]

posted April 13, 2012 01:47 PM            

Yes he is my boyfriend, but I dont want to whine so I try to generalize here.

His issues with my kid are valid from his perspective,however, she has had a terrible 20 years almost dying from a heart defect at birth, having open heart surgery at 3, she and her sis and I having to bond and become friends more than mother and daughters to survive the alcoholic's abuse then the alcoholic's suicide when she was nine...

But his perspective only.

I have never treated her specially, she has turned out to be a beautiful young lady, has had some trouble with the law and from the bfriend's perspective she is disrespectful to me.

Sure, sometimes she is, and actually I talked to her about this yesterday and she is making huge strides to make up for anything.

But to him, and his unrealistic Virgoan and I will add, VERY Virgoan mindset, parents and children should be the Cleavers....that is why I said what I did...about his clan.

But I have learned from this thread we are all so individually human, course I knew this, and as humans we tend to project what is good for us onto what is good for everybody, but that is just not the case. I have learned we all have unique family situations, and all the while I was sticking up for mine, was disregarding his?

Anyway, thanks to you and all of you.

I just love to ask these kinds of questions here, as I said before, due to the diversity and depth of thought I encounter here at LL

posted April 14, 2012 09:53 AM            

As I see it, if you instill the desire for self-responsibility and independence from an early age, you can sure bet that the kid will find a way to make it all work. Granted its true that there are times when circumstances don't allow a person to be completely independent to the point of owning their own place or nail a good paying job while attending University but the desire should be there and it is that desire that needs to be instilled and nourished.

posted April 14, 2012 01:02 PM            

being you are from canada, the most nanny country of them all.

posted April 22, 2012 01:32 PM            

Still here in 2012, partially still helping out (with frustration to the point I've thrown my hands up several times) and partially because I can't afford rent elsewhere right now even with my current job (the years since I felt compelled to move back I didn't exactly get high-paying work for awhile and admittedly stupidly relied on credit). Dad's told me "If you can get something lined up elsewhere, go. I'll catch up." Doubtful that he will, but stranger things have happened

So at this point I'm looking for jobs on the west coast as the east coast isn't doing it for me (and honestly didn't do it for me before, at least until I got this job at just the right time), and I feel I've run my course over here anyways. (Plus, I'm not a New York or Washington DC kinda guy).

Once I get something solid lined up and able to go, I'm out of here. There's little more I can do for my dad (financially) with what I'm making at my current job and the side-business (online print-on-demand t-shirts and other things) is still a trickle. At least I can take the side-business with me wherever I go due to it's very nature, plus the minimal costs that go along with it.

Plus, if I stay at my current job much longer, a friend who also works in the IT industry (he just got in at a large corporation) tells me I'm screwing myself because I'm using increasingly-dated tools at work, and I need to go where they're not only more up-to-date but also using a different programming language (C#, which ironically I knew better than the one I'm currently using at work (VB.NET), and had to switch to that to take the job basically. It's relatively straightforward for me to translate between the two thankfully).