posted January 31, 2011 12:22 AM            

So what opinions do you all have about dating someone (with whom the connection is grand) who is either wayy older than you or younger.

More specifically, I have recently met someone - we really have an INSANE connection. However, he is SO much older than me. He's twice my age.

How does one make decisions when you know society (especially family) ultimately finds these type of strange romances disgusting. ???

Idk, does anyone have any thoughts ? I wonder what Linda thinks about age difference in romantic relationships. Is it too unnatural?

posted January 31, 2011 08:08 PM            

I hung out with him again today, because I just can't help it. I like hanging with him so much. He's so much fun, really cool dude, he's intelligent, and just (sorry to sound judgmental) so much more mature and sensitive compared to most of the ********* my age.

Anyway, I am just going to take it as it comes. I tend to get ahead of myself; I think about the future too much. We'll see what happens.

I think more than anything, deep down, I'm super ****** off that he's old. (ouch) It's just my luck to meet my (seemingly) "dream man" who's twice my age. It's certainly not ideal...

Sometimes I wish I didn't careee!!! But I do; I care what people think! We were in the store the other day and you wouldn't believe how many ppl stared at us! And I live in a relatively large city! Ugh... I need to move to Europe!!!!

XO

posted January 31, 2011 10:37 PM            

Now, I'm 44 and get young guys (I'm a cougar, raawr! I hate that, actually) who want me. I met a 28 year old who says he can't find girls his age as mature as him. Not all young men lack sophistication and old guys who go for much younger women are immature because it's mostly about satisfying their ego. It's a huge ego boost for me but you have no idea how different we are in stages of life. The 28 year old is very smart but I poke holes in his theories and have way more experience. I could easily toy with him and enjoy it if I wanted to but I'm in love with a man closer to my age and we understand each other in ways the 28 year old can't comprehend. My guy is 48 and he gets approached from younger girls too but it's too weird for him since he has a daughter about the same age. He likes the attention but won't go there as he wants someone similar to his life experience.

posted February 01, 2011 08:44 AM            

Ultimately, you must decide if you are going to live your life for yourself or for other people. This decision is regarding age at the moment, but it is a decision that will encompass many things you encounter in your journey. What if the two of you were of the same age but of a different race? People would stare just the same. What if you fell in love with someone, but it was a female? People would stare. That's what people do. About 90 percent of people in this world have lives that are unfulfilling, and they stare, make comments under their breath, and gossip about others to make themselves feel more superior and to forget how unhappy they are with their own lives. Surprisingly, most of them belong to a religion which forbids such judging. You must choose to be a part of that 90 percent, or a part of the 8 percent who are not just going through the motions of life but who take control of their own path, or a part of the 2 percent who make a difference in the lives of others. I have been an 8 percenter virtually all of my life, but I am striving to become a 2 percenter. It's not an easy path, but it is a frequently rewarding and fulfilling one.

As I said above, it is my advice that you break it off. Here is a string with a lot of varied responses that might give you more food for thought:
http://www.linda-goodman.com/ubb/Forum27/HTML/000121.html

posted February 01, 2011 07:58 PM            

And Randall, thx for sharing a piece of your "identity." That's interesting; however, I bet your aura is what throws ppl off more than anything. I can feel your strong presence via the internet. I, too, am used (and I do derive pleasure, sometimes ample pleasure) to the looks and stares from ppl. Sometimes I giggle to myself because apparently I'm some sort of "freak!"

I'm not going to do anything drastic... yet. I mean it makes it hard when I know I will see him at school four days a week! But what really holds me back is my absolute reverence for this friendship. Do you have any idea how wonderful it feels to have someone care about your feelings and genuinely appreciate your ideas about the world? Not to mention, we share similar dreams... and we live a pretty parallel existence in society.

Like I said earlier, in many ways I feel disappointed in the universe and in myself that this is what I've attracted to my life. But I think there's something to be learned... this is something I've never experienced before.

Randall, you made posed valid concerns - in terms of our inability to relate due to extreme age differences, but it can be really stimulating to talk to someone on a different altitude than yourself, ya know?

posted February 01, 2011 11:55 PM            

Orange said, "my absolute reverence for this friendship. Do you have any idea how wonderful it feels to have someone care about your feelings and genuinely appreciate your ideas about the world? Not to mention, we share similar dreams... and we live a pretty parallel existence in society. "

posted February 02, 2011 01:19 AM            

Literally everything you guys wrote truly spoke to me, and opened up possibilities I didn't really want to face. Great reality check for me.

Yep, I'm just gonna be friends for now. Who know what tom brings. I'll take it as it comes. I know one thing for sure though: I am not going to do anything that doesn't feel 100 percent "right!"

posted February 02, 2011 02:25 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Randall:
I also want to state that I get stares a lot based upon my appearance alone. You can choose to not let it get to you. Not only does the staring not bother me, but in some cases I even like it. I want to be different, and I enjoy destroying stereotypes. Conformity is boring to me. I want to separate myself from the mindless drones of the masses who barely eke out a meager subsistence. I think for myself. I live in a very conservative city in the middle of the Bible belt, so I stand out like a sore thumb. My hair is down my back. I have a distinctive style of dress that is anything but conservative, including at times guyliner and black nail polish. I wear pentagrams (which local Christians assume is Satanic, when, in fact, it has nothing to do with Satanism). I wear very gaudy earrings, and eyes roll at me all the time--but always with old people. The seniors came from a different world, I suppose. But among the peeps I roll with, we are all just open-minded people who prove that you can't judge a book by its cover (we all have hearts of pure gold). So, yeah, I get my fair share of stares, and no, I couldn't care any less. I was pulled over by the police a couple of months ago, and they just knew I had drugs on me or my vehicle. I really had some fun with that. I know more about the law than they did. I think they learned a lesson about profiling that night.

---

LOL Randall! You would fit right in with us, and you are so right about stereotyping! A subject that just gets our goat! Our good friend, who is also RD's boss, and our 'neighbor'... an ordained minister, and a business owner...all kinds of jewelry..huge rings, toe rings, piercings...a mohawk, and black nail polish ALWAYS! lol
He is my age, 50, and the stares he gets, and the labelling! Oh my! One of the nicest people you will ever meet, and so smart...My oldest son was the same, and none of my children would ever conform to how 'society' and other family members felt, or thought, how they should look, dress, listen to, or believe in...They just didn't, and don't care what others think...My son changed his hair color on a weekly basis at one time! lol
I will have to send you a link on FB...

Kat

posted February 02, 2011 02:32 PM            

Kat

posted February 03, 2011 02:45 AM            

Would you feel just as comfortable if the woman dating your 16.5 year old was 57, not 21?

At a certain point, "age gap" becomes pedophilia. The problem is that no one can agree on that point. Even people who are all--"It's all about the soul, age is nothing but a number" often have a certain point where they get skeeved out.

When I was a teen, most of the guys I was attracted to were in their twenties. Now that I'm in my mid-thirties, most of the guys I'm attracted to are in their twenties. I don't know that the age of men I'm attracted to will necessarily change as I get older.

posted February 03, 2011 02:47 PM            

The *spirit* of the law is that. even if the older party is holding off on having sex with or fondling the 14-year-old, the atmosphere and nature of the relationship may be too adult/inapproprite for his growth and he is too young to realize that now or decide for himself.

Not everyone is going to agree with the law. There is not agreement even in this forum about what makes "consenting adults."

My opinion on this changes. At this moment, I think a 19-year-old who wants to be with a 14-year-old probably has some developmental problems or other hang-ups, but it grosses me out less than a 57-year-old wanting to be with a 14-year-old.

posted February 03, 2011 03:39 PM            

Something noteworthy is the fact that our society is OBSESSED with child-like images. Have you ever noticed how on the cover of popular "literature" magazines the men and woman are completely hairless, and the women figures are straight and narrow like pre-puberty children? This look is being glamorized!! Try tuning into the late-night T.V. shows; in which interviews consist of the juvenile dialect and unintelligent conversation. It's like there are babies everywhere we look!!!!!! ...And an incredible amount of sensation surrounds these "celebrities" - we have put them so high up on pedestals!!

posted February 04, 2011 02:46 AM            

quote:

---

I do agree and feel that 14 is way too young, but ultimately, it us up to the parents.

---

Actually, it is ultimately up to the law. In most states, I believe a stranger or the authorities can press statutory rape charges even if the parent feels the child-adult relationship is a beautiful meeting of soul mates. But again, the consent ages and other details of statutory rape laws are highly controversial.

Randall, at what point would you feel the child was young enough to call the parent's fitness and appropriateness into question?
A 19-year-old with a 13-year-old? A 19-year-old with a twelve-year-old?

There are situations I was in at 16 where I felt happy and like they were appropriate, and I didn't realize until I was in my twenties that they were inappropriate. In my research (again, 8 years ago or so), I found that many parents dealing with the legacy of physical or sexual abuse in their family backgrounds often did not have a sense of appropriate sexual boundaries between their preteens or teens and adult friends or family members. "Very happy" is relative. Sometimes kids who are being sexually abused feel close to the abuser, and some even understand it as a mutually consensual relationship. Statutory rape laws are based on the premise that 14 (for example) is too young to consent, and if the teen or preteen's parent will not protect him or her, the law can.

I personally prefer statutory rape laws that focus on the age gap, which some do--to me, it seems not-right to press charges if a 16-year-old has sex with a 15-year-old partner...but totally right to press charges if a 57-year old has sex with a 15-year-old-partner. It goes along with my feeling that the spirit of the laws is important.

I don't think the laws should be used to punish post-puberty teens from consensual sexual experimentation with each other. They should be used to protect teens and kids from having sexual/romantic relationships with grown ups, even if the teen or kid (and/or his/her parent) feels like it's a good idea at the time.

The relationship Kat is describing between her son and his girlfriend was illegal in 50 states when it began. Now it is still illegal in 20 states--Colorado, Illinois, Louisiana, Missouri, Nebraska, New Mexico, New York, Texas (age of consent: 17); Arizona, California, Delaware, Florida, Idaho, North Dakota, Oregon, Tennessee, Utah, Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming (age of consent: 18.) Most of these states now specify an age gap--ie, it's only sexual abuse/statutory rape if the perp is 3+ years older than the victim.

In an illegal situation, it is not ultimately up to the parent, and in many states other adults who become aware of it are legally obligated to report it.