posted April 13, 2011 09:11 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by lechien:
this is SO great that we are talking about this here , Ami. i actually thougt of creating a thread like this recently, but i wasn't brave enough.

for, me, my first step was to recognise myself as a victim, but without victimising myself. then the next was to forgive my mother. simple, but the whole procedure took over a decade to the point i could forgive. it helps that i have no contact with her too though.

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Dear Lechien
One thing that kept me alive was talking,sharing.
Thank you for listening,Lechien,and everyone who wrote on this thread.
Please,keep writing and I will too

posted April 14, 2011 06:39 AM            

quote:

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You couldn't be more right about the B.P.D. people actually easing up with age.

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posted April 14, 2011 08:51 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Ami Anne:
My Mother is easing up with age, a great ,great deal
She is a therapist--don't laugh.

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posted April 14, 2011 08:59 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by lechien:
that's a thing with borderlines. they can have great façades. my mother too, everyone thinks she is a cheerful and gentle person. but a few family members who knows her more than that says how she changes COMPLETELY when she is outside and inside. for a child to grow up with that is also very confusing too.

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Yes,very well said Lechien!

posted April 14, 2011 08:59 AM            

quote:

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Originally posted by lechien:
that's a thing with borderlines. they can have great façades. my mother too, everyone thinks she is a cheerful and gentle person. but a few family members who knows her more than that says how she changes COMPLETELY when she is outside and inside. for a child to grow up with that is also very confusing too.

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Yes,very well said Lechien!

posted April 14, 2011 11:47 AM            

ONE----Did you feel you could NOT have a separate identity and you would be punished if you did?
Did you feel it was selfish and bad to want anything for yourself whether that be dignity,integrity etc?
For me, my mother wanted to undermine my values and character. That way,she would pull out the foundation of what makes one a person and makes one able to stand ,alone,in life and stand for oneself.
That area of life was her biggest attack toward me.
Did you guys have this sort of thing?Different ways she undermined you?
If so,how?

Thank you for any answers!

posted April 14, 2011 03:13 PM            

my answer would be, in a twisted way, "no". i became part of her. i was her. she was my god. as i said in the first post, i was brain-washed. rather than having fears, i avoided naturally becoming an individual, because it was just not an option. but by the time i was in my late teen, things did not go on the same anymore. i did not know what, but i struggled. of course it was my Self growing too big to fit into the shell my mother wanted me to be in. but i didn't understand anything back then. it was just confusing and painful and morbid.

how bad it was, i recall one day, coming home from school, i stopped at a shop and bought myself an eraser. i went home and showed to my mother and told her that i bought an eraser. i was 16 or something. it was a completely normal thing to do, because i was my mother and if i got something, it also belonged to her. i recall my aunt once saying that me and my mother were like twin sisters, seeing it in my behaviours and opinions etc.

the last question, yes. i am not a person. well, yet, at this point. i cannot have a life with all the blocks in my head preventing me from just "function". i *should* not be able to function at all right now, because i'm without her, you see. it is *assumed* that i would not survive. so, i am barely going, i blamed myself for being "lazy" for years and years and years. i thought the reason i cannot seem to get jobs, or when agoraphobia was bad, going shopping, or even stepping out of the front door, was all because i was the laziest slacker ever. i loathed myself for it and felt guilty and ashamed. i emphasised how much of a loser i was myself.

well, now i know all that is untrue. i am a hard-working person with myriads of talents and skills. and so as my partner, he is the most talented musician/writer i've known. but all through his life he boycotted his success. every time he was playing in a famous band, every time a label wanted a contract with him, and when he had a high-paid monthly fiction in a popular zine, he boycotted them.

posted April 14, 2011 05:34 PM            

i could never ever imagine her getting anywhere near admitting her mistakes. if i told her she is BPD, she'd seriously kill me (well, psychologically). i recall after i left her to study, and i went back for holiday, and asked her to take me to a psychiatrist (it was still her who was *in charge). i THINK the psychiatrist may have seen it through, he told her to keep coming after i finish my holiday. of course she didn't, saying "why do *I* have to go, it's YOU who is sick, not me!"

posted April 14, 2011 05:49 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by lechien:
Ami, i'm glad you feel you can start to untangle. you are free.

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I really think so, but everyone is different. The 30 year old her, as a mother, was very different than the 40 year old her. I think PS read something about it, she probably has more info. When she mentioned it, it clicked for me. I definitely don't see the possibility of her changing if you approached her when she was in her 30's.

posted April 14, 2011 05:59 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by lechien:
that's amazing, so your mother's BPD IS getting less...?

i could never ever imagine her getting anywhere near admitting her mistakes. if i told her she is BPD, she'd seriously kill me (well, psychologically). i recall after i left her to study, and i went back for holiday, and asked her to take me to a psychiatrist (it was still her who was *in charge). i THINK the psychiatrist may have seen it through, he told her to keep coming after i finish my holiday. of course she didn't, saying "why do *I* have to go, it's YOU who is sick, not me!"

she is pompous and proud. never ever accepts criticisms. treatment, forget it...

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Lechien
She became a therapist for a variety of reasons. One was she wanted to have a position of power over people.
Another was so she could LEARN about herself from THEM lol
Well, whatever happened, she is much better.
I would say she is NOT Borderline,anymore.
She DOES do BPD things but she is NOT one cuz she WILL back down.
However,it takes brute strength on my part. I tell her if she is gonna lie to never call me ,again .
I stick to it,too.
She,always comes around.
It is such a hardship ,though lol

posted April 14, 2011 07:09 PM            

so when i tried to "approach" her, she was in her late 40s.

ohhhh, but come to think of it, i was called back to be with her in the midst of starting up my "career" when she had a cancer operation. well, i left my opportunities here and went back. of course i felt that i had to, and wanted to be there for her. but i DID notice some kind of change with her… it's hard to explain. but getting a cancer made her slightly milder, i thought.

but then, because i had no money left, i got stuck there and had to live with her without the perspective of returning. and her "symptoms" were there as usual, and she nearly annihilated my brain cells… she even gained a "victim" mentality as a cancer patient, and considered herself a tragic but strong lone heroine. despite she called me and i got stuck there, she kept telling me what a baggage i was and she wanted me to go away. i deeply regretted how i left my "career". i returned, destroyed, and had to start from zero again. this was the last of my numerous trials to "start from zero", each one directly or indirectly dashed by her. and this time, i didn't make it (at least i went way down. she'd be ashamed if she knew what i eat and where i slept till recently). i had used up all my resources and also power too, partially because she took MY MONEY. so when i arrived here, 800 euros was all i had. i was SO completely shocked like i got ice water dumped onto my head. i could not believe she stole her daughter's money, who is in a foreign country all alone!!! i think in her twisted mind, she thought she was punishing me. it wasn't greed. and she has not experienced extreme poverty, so i don't think she can actually imagine what terrible things could have happened to me. she just doesn't have the concept that i could have ended up on the street and got lost forever. luckily i did not, but i'm REALLY struggling with life, just the same.

but now… i have a slight ray of hope now that you guys say BPD subsides with age… if then, maybe someday, it will be possible to communicate with her. i don't know anything how she's doing. she cut all contact with me. i'm really impressed that you can assume your mother isn't BPD anymore, Ami!

posted April 14, 2011 07:19 PM            

Mental health and illness is all on a continuim.
We all are afraid of intimacy but BPD is terrified of it.
So, BPD comes in to play when that part of the contunuim is met.
BPD is a fractured self.The person has so little self to hold on to.
That is the root of all the bizarre behavior,in a nutshell.
If something builds their genuine sense of self, they can let go of BPD.

Disclaimer---This is my experience and opinion,only lol