posted December 31, 2013 07:38 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Odette:
Well no Padre... not devaluing.

I personally value reality as it is.. and in my reality we are great apes, not aliens from outer space.

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Goodness, poor Cheimi

Say there is a group of 3 attractive men, she winds up sleeping with one of them, does he not talk to the other two about it?

What happens then?

posted December 31, 2013 07:50 PM            

Reminds me of this big dumb idiot in my uni.
He would complain about how prudish girls thanks to porn for his high expectations.

I asked him you must jack off a lot. He's like Yah like 20 times a day but Im trying cut back etc.
So I was like wow you must enjoy exploring your body and he's like wtf do you mean...

Taking advantage of all the nerve ending in your rectum..
wtf I'm not gay yo..
I guess don't want to experience pleasure because society has told you it's wrong..

posted December 31, 2013 08:02 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Odette:
Chiemi - As an egalitarian I am very worried about you. You are in your early 20s, you should be more informed about certain things.

Have you heard of the term sl*t shaming?

"sl*t shaming (also hyphenated, as sl*t -shaming) is a concept in philosophy on sexuality. It is a neologism used to describe the act of making any person feel guilty or inferior for certain sexual behaviors or desires that deviate from traditional or orthodox gender expectations, or that which may be considered to be contrary to natural or religious law. Some examples of behaviors over which women are said to be "**** -shamed" include: violating accepted dress codes by dressing in sexually provocative ways, requesting access to birth control, having premarital or casual sex, or being raped or sexually assaulted."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/**** -shaming

And...

"Sl*t shaming is defined by many as a process in which women are attacked for their transgression of accepted codes of sexual conduct,[5] i.e., of admonishing them for behavior or desires that are more sexual than society finds acceptable.[6] Emily Bazelon says that sl*t shaming is "retrograde, the opposite of feminist. Calling a girl a sl*t warns her that there's a line: she can be sexual but not too sexual."

After reading that ^.. if you were previously unfamiliar with it.. please reconsider your stance on this.
No one in this world can make you feel small unless you let them.
If you want to have sex - you can have sex whenever you like. You are an adult (as long as you use protection).

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posted December 31, 2013 08:29 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Kerosene:
Hmm I don't see how Op is weird about sex..

Reminds me of this big dumb idiot in my uni.
He would complain about how prudish girls thanks to porn for his high expectations.

I asked him you must jack off a lot. He's like Yah like 20 times a day but Im trying cut back etc.
So I was like wow you must enjoy exploring your body and he's like wtf do you mean...

Taking advantage of all the nerve ending in your rectum..
wtf I'm not gay yo..
I guess don't want to experience pleasure because society has told you it's wrong..

Everyone has limits so berating on others is so stupid.

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posted December 31, 2013 08:40 PM            

quote:

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I don't want it to be meaningless.

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...
O...k.

Well the purpose of sex is actually reproduction. so any "sex" that is not for reproductive purposes could be seen as "meaningless".
That's neither here nor there though.

I thought you were in your 20s because you mentioned University.

I understand how you feel. You are not alone.. but this way of seeing the world is a bit naive from my perspective .. and leads to shattered dreams of "Ariel the Little Mermaid".. when you realise eventually... that life is not Disney.

posted December 31, 2013 08:43 PM            

quote:

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berating on others is so stupid.

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Do you know what else is stupid?

A society that makes an 18 yr old girl feel like she should be ashamed of her sexual feelings for a guy - and she should hold back on having sex.. because after all - he might "discard her" - and she would lose her value..

posted December 31, 2013 08:44 PM            

You wouldn't hear these words on LL coming from an 18 year old guy:

quote:

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If I wasn't a virgin and didn't care about seeming "easy" I probably would have jumped his bones that day.

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posted December 31, 2013 09:10 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Odette:
...
O...k.

Well the purpose of sex is actually reproduction. so any "sex" that is not for reproductive purposes could be seen as "meaningless".
That's neither here nor there though.

I thought you were in your 20s because you mentioned University.

I understand how you feel. You are not alone.. but this way of seeing the world is a bit naive from my perspective .. and leads to shattered dreams of "Ariel the Little Mermaid".. when you realise eventually... that life is not Disney.

I am simply being honest... You are who you are and you should do what you feel is best for you.. and if you want a fairytale romance with a knight in shinning armour - maybe you will find that, for some time..
We all go through different phases in life and through different experiences.. and eventually make up our own minds about these things.

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posted January 01, 2014 02:51 AM            

In the situation you are in with this guy - I do think you were too harsh with him... and I think your harshness comes from a fear of being socially humiliated (based on the conservative standards you have re: female sexuality, what goes and what doesn't, not wanting to seem "easy" etc).

However, I agree with Catmote.. that regardless of how slowly you wanted to take it - and even if your behaviour was maybe "harsh" and maybe your views regarding virginity would be seen as outdated by some.. completely regardless of any of that --- if he was sure he wanted to be with you and he truly liked you, he shouldn't have suddenly detached.
He should've respected your wishes and hung in there.

It doesn't necessarily mean that he isn't that into you.. Maybe he's just 'laid back' and doesn't know how to take the bull by the horns. If you are more cardinal and he is more mutable.. maybe he just went along with whatever you decided.. because he didn't want conflict.

You should trust your intuition about him. If you do still like him and you feel like - you took the wrong decision.. it's not too late to try to reconnect.. but don't 'push it'.. just open the lines of communication again so he knows you he isn't completely outcasted from your life.

quote:

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is it really too much to ask for what I stated earlier while being in a relationship with that person? Maybe I'm just misunderstanding...

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Not at all. It's not too much to ask to have a nice, normal monogamous relationship.
Your last reply is a lot more 'down to earth', but earlier when you used the word "discarded".. I just got the impression you might have unrealistic expectations --- because at this age many people make-up and break-up...
You could meet the man of your dreams and be together for the next 60 yrs - that could happen, but it's unlikely.

So if you choose to have sex with this guy - chances are you won't be together forever... so please don't feel "discarded" just because you might eventually break-up.

posted January 01, 2014 02:59 AM            

quote:

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I just don't want to have my first time be with just anyone. I'd at least want to be in a relationship is all.

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Something else that bothers me a little.. (you just reminded me)... is the fact that .. from my perspective, your words come across as "the title matters more than the substance behind it"...
So the title of being in a "relationship" and having sex would seem 'ok' because you would not be seen as easy.

This is a very classic.. typical - conservative perspective on sex ^.

But really what is important is not just that you call each other bf/gf - but rather, that you actually trust him and feel comfortable getting so close to him on a physical level.

And also - actions speak louder than words.. Some people are in a relationship and hate each other behind the scenes, whilst pretending to be all smiles on the surface.
A guy can swear he loves you up and down - and call you his "gf" - and then still be a jerk the next day.

posted January 01, 2014 01:47 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Odette:
Chiemi - What bothered me initially - and I know I veered off your thread, so I'm sorry... was the virginity thing Kero just mentioned.
It genuinely flips my mustard when people end up abiding by these crazy double standards, when it comes to gender roles.

In the situation you are in with this guy - I do think you were too harsh with him... and I think your harshness comes from a fear of being socially humiliated (based on the conservative standards you have re: female sexuality, what goes and what doesn't, not wanting to seem "easy" etc).

However, I agree with Catmote.. that regardless of how slowly you wanted to take it - and even if your behaviour was maybe "harsh" and maybe your views regarding virginity would be seen as outdated by some.. completely regardless of any of that --- if he was sure he wanted to be with you and he truly liked you, he shouldn't have suddenly detached.
He should've respected your wishes and hung in there.

It doesn't necessarily mean that he isn't that into you.. Maybe he's just 'laid back' and doesn't know how to take the bull by the horns. If you are more cardinal and he is more mutable.. maybe he just went along with whatever you decided.. because he didn't want conflict.

You should trust your intuition about him. If you do still like him and you feel like - you took the wrong decision.. it's not too late to try to reconnect.. but don't 'push it'.. just open the lines of communication again so he knows you he isn't completely outcasted from your life.

Not at all. It's not too much to ask to have a nice, normal monogamous relationship.
Your last reply is a lot more 'down to earth', but earlier when you used the word "discarded".. I just got the impression you might have unrealistic expectations --- because at this age many people make-up and break-up...
You could meet the man of your dreams and be together for the next 60 yrs - that could happen, but it's unlikely.

So if you choose to have sex with this guy - chances are you won't be together forever... so please don't feel "discarded" just because you might eventually break-up.

He is not a "player".. If you are worried about a crazy scenario like.. you have sex and then he disappears - that won't happen. He probably wanted a new gf. He told his family about you and he met your own family - so in his mind this was "serious-ish".. as much as it could be serious for someone so young. It's completely your prerogative to take it as slow as you like. But please don't make your decision for superficial reasons such as "will this make me look easy"..
A decision like this - should be made based on the connection between you, whenever you feel ready --- not based on some conservative social standard about what makes you look "easy".

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The bolded part is what I meant the whole time. I know that especially at my age, no relationship is guaranteed, I get that.

posted January 01, 2014 01:53 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Odette:
Something else that bothers me a little.. (you just reminded me)... is the fact that .. from my perspective, your words come across as "the title matters more than the substance behind it"...
So the title of being in a "relationship" and having sex would seem 'ok' because you would not be seen as easy.

This is a very classic.. typical - conservative perspective on sex ^.

But really what is important is not just that you call each other bf/gf - but rather, that you actually trust him and feel comfortable getting so close to him on a physical level.

And also - actions speak louder than words.. Some people are in a relationship and hate each other behind the scenes, whilst pretending to be all smiles on the surface.
A guy can swear he loves you up and down - and call you his "gf" - and then still be a jerk the next day.

You have to figure out who you can really trust by their actions - in particular whether or not they are really there for you and whether you can really count on them.
That's my advice anyway

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No lol, that's not what I meant at all. If that was the case I would have just jumped into and stayed in any relationship by now.

"You have to figure out who you can really trust by their actions - in particular whether or not they are really there for you and whether you can really count on them."

^ This is exactly what I'm looking for lol.

posted January 01, 2014 01:55 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Odette:
Happy New Year to you as well Chiemi!!
I'm in Aussie-land so my NYE happened yesterday haha

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posted January 01, 2014 02:05 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
Chiemi,

My view is that you are much too young to be concerned and bogged down by such matters. I think your studies should remain the area of central focus. Do you attend U Mich?

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Me and my mom already had a talk about this lol. Yes my education is and will always be my #1 priority. But, there's nothing wrong with dating, relationships (whether platonic or beyond) are also a part of the whole college experience. And if anything, it's much easier to date now because you're in a area with like minded individuals who have the same goals, and they too understand the importance of their education.

And scUM is my schools rival I bleed Green .

posted January 01, 2014 02:42 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by Chiemi:
Me and my mom already had a talk about this lol. Yes my education is and will always be my #1 priority. But, there's nothing wrong with dating, relationships (whether platonic or beyond) are also a part of the whole college experience. And if anything, it's much easier to date now because you're in a area with like minded individuals who have the same goals, and they too understand the importance of their education.

And scUM is my schools rival I bleed Green .

But in all seriousness though no lol, I go to Michigan State University. They're both great schools though if you're asking on behalf of your son (but I am partial since I'm a spartan).

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Wonderful for you. Michigan State is great. Unfortunately, I've never been to Lansing. Of course, I've been to Ann Arbor. . And the other cities, but the present Detroit makes me sad whenever I pass through it. The old Detroit that I knew in the 80s and 90s wasn't the way it is right now. Much more prosperous.

My son isn't in college yet. He'll be going to college next Fall, but in Massachusetts in the Boston area. I agree with the concept of like-minded folks with the same viewpoints, values and philosophies. It's what makes my marriage work. Just remain focused and you'll succeed well.

posted January 01, 2014 03:05 PM            

quote:

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Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
Wonderful for you. Michigan State is great. Unfortunately, I've never been to Lansing. Of course, I've been to Ann Arbor. . And the other cities, but Detroit makes me sad whenever I pass through it.

My son isn't in college yet. He'll be going to college next Fall, but in Massachusetts in the Boston area. I agree with the concept of like-minded folks with the same viewpoints, values and philosophies. It's what makes my marriage work. Just remain focused and you'll succeed well.

My son isn't dating yet because he doesn't have the interest level yet, even though there have been interested parties. I suppose that is somewhat of a relief given the high pressure and time constraints. His mother also runs the show on that front, so I've learned to stay out of it.

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Thank you , and MSU has an absolutely beautiful campus AND atmosphere. I actually wasn't even considering going there let alone any other "big" universities until my mom signed me up for a tour lol. I had planned on going two years in community college and then two years in a university but I'm glad my mom pushed for me to do otherwise (Mom's definitely do run the show lol). I've had so many great opportunities and met so many people from literally around the globe. I love it . And congrats to your son!

And I agree, Detroit makes me sad in so many ways. I can't even imagine how beautiful it looked in comparison to how it looks now. It literally just boggles my mind that so many have just let and continue to let the place go down in shambles not even realizing the value of it. Even the homes, so many are living in really really nice homes but you couldn't even tell because they have just let them be run down. I can literally go on and on about Detroit (and some other things) til I'm old and dry, but I agree it's sad.