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Author Topic:   Was I Too Impulsive?
Chiemi
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Posts: 1150
From: Michigan
Registered: Feb 2012

posted December 31, 2013 01:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Chiemi     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I hope I'm not bombarding you guys with all of my "coming of age" problems lol. But in regards to this recent situation with Mr.B, I'm really lost and for once I'm starting to think I made a mistake on calling things off. Or at least doing things so abruptly, I probably could have pushed for more questions on how he felt but I didn't.


What I don't understand (and you guys can chime in and tell me your opinions of his actions since you have more life experience) is that he never came off as a "player". I've written and thought about all of his actions towards me and I'm honestly stumped.

- For one, when we first started talking, we initially planned on meeting after our break (we're both in college (or university as some say)) but since it was a month break, he asked to meet sooner even though he'd have to drive at least an hour to see me.
- We had an 8 hour date in which he paid for everything and never tried to grope me.
- Offered to Skype my mom before he met her and talked to her before and after our date
- Offered to drive me home even though I live even farther than our meeting place and that would have taken him out of the way.
- Told his best friends about me (one of which he's known since pre-k)
- Told his mom and dad about me AND showed his mom my picture on facebook
- Would initiate texts with me everyday and text all day til 2-3a.m.
- Offered to cook for me on our second date
- Completely deleted (and not disabled, I checked) his online account before our date)
- Never brought up my virginity or asked or hinted at trying to know when I was going to "give it up"

So with that being said, he never really gave any big major flags. I will say that being that he's a guy he did try to talk about sexual related things but stopped and apologized after I told him I wanted to slow down and didn't try to push.


Now, I will admit, on my part (literally right before all of this happened) I pulled away some because of the sex talk even though he had apologized and moved on. I started to honestly question his intentions even though he had never done anything else to signal he was just interested in my body. And right after that, I think that's when things started to go downhill. Looking at our texts, he began pulling back and ended up not texting me for a complete day, and then when I texted him the next day to ask what was wrong and if he needed space he said nothing
was wrong and he didn't need space (he was at his brothers lacrosse tournament all day that day too). And the next day, I sent him a text first while he was out shopping with his grandma and offered for him to text me when he wasn't busy but he declined and we sent texts the whole day like usual (minus me saying good night to a text he sent an hour earlier and him saying goodnight two hours later >__< sucky on my part I know but I was distracted and didn't know what else to say). Now that I look back at our most recent texts, I'm also to blame for coming across as wishy-washy or less interested than I really am. A problem that I've been told I've done in the past and why so many people don't think I'm interested when I am (was).


Fast forward to yesterday, I just knew that something was up. He would respond to my messages but never really ask back questions and it just felt different. So I asked him if he had any questions for me, and then he asked what do I feel about him and what do I think about me and him together. And then after I told him and asked him how he feels, he tells me that he's starting to think whether or not "he's good for me". Since I had already heard that line before a break-up I immediately asked him if he was saying that he wanted to call it quits but he said that, calling it quits wasn't what he meant. Then after I asked further, he said that he thinks that I'm moving faster than I normally would with him because I like him, and he doesn't want me to be hurt. Still irritated that it still sounds like a break-up excuse to me, I ask him how I could be "hypothetically" hurt and then he tells me that he still likes me and he does want to continue to talk to me and hang out together but "should something happen I don't want you to be so committed to it that it breaks you apart because it happened in his last relationship and it was brutal". Then I asked him if by not being so committed to the relationship did he mean he wanted something casual he said "no, not really, I just don't want you to fall in love too fast" because him and his ex got really close but after a while things went downhill and they argued over everything.Then I just told him that it sounded like he just doesn't want a relationship, or at least a serious one with me so I told him we should end things here since he feels that way and all he said was "Ok".

So, little background on him and his ex. That was his first real relationship and it lasted 2 years. Was also the girl he gave his virginity to and it ended over 10 months ago.


And with that being said and having taken that in consideration with his actions towards me, could he have really meant that he genuinely doesn't want to hurt me and not because he wanted to end things? Because after I basically asked him twice if he wanted to call it quits he technically did say that it wasn't what he wanted and that he still liked me. Maybe since I'm a virgin myself, and he was in my shoes once, he's seeing how this could play out like his last relationship leaving me seriously affected if I chose to be intimate with him? I know I'm young and from what you've read above, I clearly have plenty of things to learn about relationships (especially my communication skills) but of all the times I've ever ended things with someone and looked back on their actions and how they treated me, I'm starting to actually wonder if I did the right thing.

So, what do you guys think of the situation? Honestly. Did I jump the gun over this? And sorry for the extra long book I just wrote lol, I'll probably re-edit it after a while.

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CatMote
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From: Fighting Neptune for his trident
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posted December 31, 2013 01:44 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CatMote     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
it seems like you listened to your intuition in that situation. i think whatever your intuition says is right.

------------------
Sun Aries Moon Pisces
Mars Pisces Venus Pisces
Mercury Aries Jupiter in Virgo
Saturn in Aquarius Pluto in Scorpio
Neptune and Uranus in Capricorn
Ascendant Libra

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Chiemi
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From: Michigan
Registered: Feb 2012

posted December 31, 2013 02:51 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Chiemi     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by CatMote:
it seems like you listened to your intuition in that situation. i think whatever your intuition says is right.


From a guys standpoint honestly (be as blunt as possible), what do you think his behaviors show/did show towards me?

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aquaguy91
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From: tennessee
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posted December 31, 2013 02:56 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for aquaguy91     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
As a younger guy (I'm 22) I'm just going to give you my honest opinion. You mentioned that you got upset at him for making sexual talk and he apologized. Just being honest here but it's kind of a turn-off when a girl completely shuts down and gets upset when a sexual topic is brought up, in our eyes (men) it makes you look like a prude. I'm not saying you should go out and have sex immediately but try to be more relaxed and atleast be open to sexual flirtation. I have dated virgins and didn't have a problem with it because there was still sexual tension and flirtation there. I have also tried dating girls who would get angry and guilt trip me anytime I expressed my sexuality and say in a squeaky and whiny voice " you just wanna get laid". Believe me, no red blooded heterosexual man wants to hear that from his woman, it's a big buzz kill. So just keep this in mind, you don't have to have sex per say but the relationship still needs to have a sexual pulse if you know what I mean.

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YoursTrulyAlways
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posted December 31, 2013 02:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for YoursTrulyAlways     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
He's unsure that his last relationship is over and he wants to hedge his bets by having his cake and eat it too.

He didn't have his way with you since you didn't "put out."

This male only sees the ugly male side in this situation.

Plus I have a kid a year younger than you, so I'm viewing this as a person your parents' age.

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Chiemi
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From: Michigan
Registered: Feb 2012

posted December 31, 2013 03:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Chiemi     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by aquaguy91:
As a younger guy (I'm 22) I'm just going to give you my honest opinion. You mentioned that you got upset at him for making sexual talk and he apologized. Just being honest here but it's kind of a turn-off when a girl completely shuts down and gets upset when a sexual topic is brought up, in our eyes (men) it makes you look like a prude. I'm not saying you should go out and have sex immediately but try to be more relaxed and atleast be open to sexual flirtation. I have dated virgins and didn't have a problem with it because there was still sexual tension and flirtation there. I have also tried dating girls who would get angry and guilt trip me anytime I expressed my sexuality and say in a squeaky and whiny voice " you just wanna get laid". Believe me, no red blooded heterosexual man wants to hear that from his woman, it's a big buzz kill. So just keep this in mind, you don't have to have sex per say but the relationship still needs to have a sexual pulse if you know what I mean.

I didn't "shut down" or get upset lol. What I said was that I told him to slow down and I pulled away (read: me being cautious). And "maybe" they tried to guilt you and make you feel bad or maybe "just maybe" they've just had past experiences where someone actually did try or actually succeed at "just getting laid". I know how to flirt and I know when to pull the plug when things get a little too hot and seem to appear like they're heading in a direction I'm not willing to head too soon. A funny thing to add is that the last guy I talked to before B, I ended things because he kept bringing up sexual topics and you know what he told me when I addressed him about it? That I was guilt tripping him and that he wasn't "all about sex" or pushing boundaries like I'd claimed. Can you guess who sent me a text a few days ago saying that I was right and that he was sorry because he was in fact pushing boundaries and he "missed me"? The same guy who guilt tripped me


Thank you for your advice though

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Padre35
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posted December 31, 2013 03:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Padre35     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Chiemi:
From a guys standpoint honestly (be as blunt as possible), what do you think his behaviors show/did show towards me?


He was not a player Chiemi, he was what I'd think of a thirsty guy who was trying to be waaay to nice and came on waaay to strong and it set off flags for you.

As it probably should have, perhaps one was not ready for all of that so fast and intense.

So no, one was not to impulsive, that was on him.

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Padre35
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posted December 31, 2013 04:01 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Padre35     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Chiemi:
I didn't "shut down" or get upset lol. What I said was that I told him to slow down and I pulled away (read: me being cautious). And "maybe" they tried to guilt you and make you feel bad or maybe "just maybe" they've just had past experiences where someone actually did try or actually succeed at "just getting laid". I know how to flirt and I know when to pull the plug when things get a little too hot and seem to appear like they're heading in a direction I'm not willing to headed too soon. A funny thing to add is that the last guy I talked to before B, I ended things because he kept bringing up sexual topics and you know what he told me when I addressed him about it? That I was guilt tripping him and that he wasn't "all about sex" or pushing boundaries like I'd claimed. Can you guess who sent me a text a few days ago saying that I was right and that he was sorry because he was in fact pushing boundaries and he "missed me"? The same guy who guilt tripped me


Thank you for your advice though


And to me, if the guy is just trying to have sex, if she asks, he should own up to it.

The problem comes in when a guy says "what, never crossed my mind!" when it is fairly obvious the answer is "of course, have I not made it clear"

Instead of that sort of honesty, there is this weird "I'll be super nice and spend time and buy her things to monopolize her time until she surrenders to what I never got around to saying I wanted" thing happening.

Which is just way to much

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Chiemi
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From: Michigan
Registered: Feb 2012

posted December 31, 2013 04:06 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Chiemi     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by YoursTrulyAlways:
He's unsure that his last relationship is over and he wants to hedge his bets by having his cake and eat it too.

He didn't have his way with you since you didn't "put out."

This male only sees the ugly male side in this situation.

Plus I have a kid a year younger than you, so I'm viewing this as a person your parents' age.



Thank you. You and CatMote both basically mentioned that he's still not over his ex. And now that I think about it, I can definitely see that. Plus now that I've thought about it more, considering the relationship was so big for him (first real relationship and he lost his virginity) he probably needs more time than 10 months to heal. Thank you!

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Odette
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posted December 31, 2013 04:18 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Odette     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
After I read your post... I kid you not - I was going to post almost exactly what AquaGuy said.

He likes you a lot personality wise but he is also attracted to you. He seems like the kind of person who can' simply be "friends" with someone he is attracted to.
Your behaviour towards him seems friendly but platonic. Some people get pretty hurt when they are into someone romantically/sexually and the other person is constantly being platonic.

It really isn't about *sex* - the physicality of literally having sex. It is about flirting and being more sensual/sexual around each other.
I do have an issue with people in general - male or female - who *only* talk about sexual things. It's boring and basically annoying to meet this kind of person and try to interact with them. Your guy was not in this boat though - because you have had multiple long conversations that were non-sexual.
What he wanted was "some" sexuality in the mix... which is normal for two people who are attracted.

My feeling is you are not very sexually attracted to him.. because if you were - you would probably just be generally more flirty... and not so platonic. Would you say you just like him because he is cute and nice to talk to... rather than feel really *attracted*?

He is definitely not a player. I agree with everyone who said that.

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Chiemi
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From: Michigan
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posted December 31, 2013 04:21 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Chiemi     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Padre35:
He was not a player Chiemi, he was what I'd think of a thirsty guy who was trying to be waaay to nice and came on waaay to strong and it set off flags for you.

As it probably should have, perhaps one was not ready for all of that so fast and intense.

So no, one was not to impulsive, that was on him.


Thank you. And that's a really good point because I was initially the one who wanted to slow things down because I didn't want things to start with a bang and end in a fizzle and yet yesterday he told me not to "fall too fast for him".... WHAT?

I don't know why I re-question myself sometimes, I blame my "monthly gift" right now :l

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Chiemi
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From: Michigan
Registered: Feb 2012

posted December 31, 2013 04:26 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Chiemi     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Odette:
After I read your post... I kid you not - I was going to post almost exactly what AquaGuy said.

He likes you a lot personality wise but he is also attracted to you. He seems like the kind of person who can' simply be "friends" with someone he is attracted to.
Your behaviour towards him seems friendly but platonic. Some people get pretty hurt when they are into someone romantically/sexually and the other person is constantly being platonic.

It really isn't about *sex* - the physicality of literally having sex. It is about flirting and being more sensual/sexual around each other.
I do have an issue with people in general - male or female - who *only* talk about sexual things. It's boring and basically annoying to meet this kind of person and try to interact with them. Your guy was not in this boat though - because you have had multiple long conversations that were non-sexual.
What he wanted was "some" sexuality in the mix... which is normal for two people who are attracted.

My feeling is you are not very sexually attracted to him.. because if you were - you would probably just be generally more flirty... and not so platonic. Would you say you just like him because he is cute and nice to talk to... rather than feel really *attracted*?

He is definitely not a player. I agree with everyone who said that.


But I totally was lol. We talked about quite alot but then he asked me what kind of lingerie I wore and that's when I pumped the breaks. And trust me, our first kiss was far from platonic, he even said he was caught off guard by how passionately I kissed him (read: made out lol). We held hands and we'd trace patterns on each others hands, and run each others fingers through each others hair. That shows my attraction too right?

Edit: and astrology wise we have sun opposite mars and venus opposite mars. If there was one guy who I've ever dated who I was sexually attracted to, it was definitely this guy. If I wasn't a virgin and didn't care about seeming "easy" I probably would have jumped his bones that day.

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Kerosene
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posted December 31, 2013 04:36 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Kerosene     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
That's okay.. that's just who you are..
We study astrology..
if you don't feel comfortable talking about erotic things with love interests you don't have to..
There are plenty of gentlemen who won't even talk about it unless you hint it to them.

I have 7th house ruler in virgo and if I really really like someone I'd like them to be more proper and respectful in courtship.
I'm turned off if they throw themselves at me..

Otherwise normally I'm huge dirty birdie that has no problem sexting lol.

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Padre35
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posted December 31, 2013 04:39 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Padre35     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Chiemi:
Thank you. And that's a really good point because I was initially the one who wanted to slow things down because I didn't want things to start with a bang and end in a fizzle and yet yesterday he told me not to "fall too fast for him".... WHAT?

Well, just objectively, it's fairly clear he spent a lot of time with you and paid etc, which is not very playerish.

Now the "fall to fast for him" is playerish, think it is a bit reverse psychology meant to cause you to think about him and "what does he mean?!?!"

quote:
I don't know why I re-question myself sometimes, I blame my "monthly gift" right now :l

You said it...I didn't...

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aquaguy91
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From: tennessee
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posted December 31, 2013 04:45 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for aquaguy91     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Chiemi:
I didn't "shut down" or get upset lol. What I said was that I told him to slow down and I pulled away (read: me being cautious). And "maybe" they tried to guilt you and make you feel bad or maybe "just maybe" they've just had past experiences where someone actually did try or actually succeed at "just getting laid". I know how to flirt and I know when to pull the plug when things get a little too hot and seem to appear like they're heading in a direction I'm not willing to head too soon. A funny thing to add is that the last guy I talked to before B, I ended things because he kept bringing up sexual topics and you know what he told me when I addressed him about it? That I was guilt tripping him and that he wasn't "all about sex" or pushing boundaries like I'd claimed. Can you guess who sent me a text a few days ago saying that I was right and that he was sorry because he was in fact pushing boundaries and he "missed me"? The same guy who guilt tripped me


Thank you for your advice though



Oh ok , just the impression I got from your post. It can be hard to see where someone is coming from via the net.

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Chiemi
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From: Michigan
Registered: Feb 2012

posted December 31, 2013 05:03 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Chiemi     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Kerosene:
That's okay.. that's just who you are..
We study astrology..
if you don't feel comfortable talking about erotic things with love interests you don't have to..
There are plenty of gentlemen who won't even talk about it unless you hint it to them.

I have 7th house ruler in virgo and if I really really like someone I'd like them to be more proper and respectful in courtship.
I'm turned off if they throw themselves at me..

Otherwise normally I'm huge dirty birdie that has no problem sexting lol.



It's not that I'm uncomfortable, it's that I hold back because I don't want to seem easy or attract someone who's only interested in sex and then discard me (especially for my 1st time, maybe that's why this is so big for me?). I'm not uncomfortable with sex at all (maybe a late bloomer in comparison to my peers) but the only reason I hold back is because of the reasons listed above. The whole dating scene is still really new to me, so I'm still on a learning curve as to the do's and don'ts of everything.

Capricorn rules my 7th house with Uranus and Neptune there and Aquarius is my 8th house ruler. My 5th house ruler is scorpio and I have mars, pluto, and jupiter (but jupiter is in sag) there. So even astrology wise I like sex lol, or at least think about it alot and am open to a lot of things concerning it so discomfort isn't the problem.

I'm a virgo sun too though lol, that may add to my cautiousness as well.

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Chiemi
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posted December 31, 2013 05:07 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Chiemi     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Ok, now I have another question then.

How exactly do you handle sex related things when dating and when are they appropriate? Also, what are some red flags, and what type of things are OK from a guy when dating?

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Kerosene
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posted December 31, 2013 05:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Kerosene     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Yeahh I don't find it very romantic either..
Even if it's a joke.

I remember I went on this awesome date but decided to ask me if my shoe size in relation to my dick..
Well damn way to murder the romantic vibe..

Mercury conjunct Venus in gemini.
Personally I'm good at balancing insightfulness, romance, with a few cute innuendoes.
I forget others aren't born with a silver tongue.

I'm more attracted to people who can woe me with their brilliance rather than lowgrade humor.
Gosh if you're not clever.. just smile and give eye contact

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CatMote
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posted December 31, 2013 05:20 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CatMote     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
didnt really read the other replies (sorry guys im sooo tired) but from MY perspective i think he is still in love with his ex. the way you describe him doesnt sound like hes ready for a relationship regardless if you thought you were impulsive or not. i think its a little slimy if he gets shut down (for lack of better term) from any sexual advances and then doesnt really seem interested. hell, it should pique his interest more! lol.

------------------
Sun Aries Moon Pisces
Mars Pisces Venus Pisces
Mercury Aries Jupiter in Virgo
Saturn in Aquarius Pluto in Scorpio
Neptune and Uranus in Capricorn
Ascendant Libra

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Chiemi
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From: Michigan
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posted December 31, 2013 05:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Chiemi     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Kerosene:
Yeahh I don't find it very romantic either..
Even if it's a joke.

I remember I went on this awesome date but decided to ask me if my shoe size in relation to my dick..
Well damn way to murder the romantic vibe..

Mercury conjunct Venus in gemini.
Personally I'm good at balancing insightfulness, romance, with a few cute innuendoes.
I forget others aren't born with a silver tongue.

I'm more attracted to people who can woe me with their brilliance rather than lowgrade humor.
Gosh if you're not clever.. just smile and give eye contact


Libra mercury and venus here I don't like crudeness in a guys approach either. Especially if I don't know him well, just won't work. Nope.

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aquaguy91
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posted December 31, 2013 05:25 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for aquaguy91     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Even though you say you are comfortable with sex , I'm getting the impression that you aren't. What you have to realize is men are inherently sexual, we are just wired that way. And ... It's not a bad thing. You need to lose the mindset that any man who is sexually expressive only wants sex . Believe it or not a man can sexually desire a woman and actually like her as a person and want a meaningful relationship. All that should go without saying but I really think some people forget that.

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Padre35
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posted December 31, 2013 05:40 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Padre35     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Chiemi:
Libra mercury and venus here I don't like crudeness in a guys approach either. Especially if I don't know him well, just won't work. Nope.

First sign of a player Chiemi, you may not know them, but they are comfortable with doing exactly that..and make you feel comfortable with it as well.

For a number of reasons, this the player modus operandi

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Chiemi
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posted December 31, 2013 05:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Chiemi     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by aquaguy91:
Even though you say you are comfortable with sex , I'm getting the impression that you aren't. What you have to realize is men are inherently sexual, we are just wired that way. And ... It's not a bad thing. You need to lose the mindset that any man who is sexually expressive only wants sex . Believe it or not a man can sexually desire a woman and actually like her as a person and want a meaningful relationship. All that should go without saying but I really think some people forget that.

I never said men weren't sexual nor did I say it was a bad thing o.O? It's a given that yes if a guy wants to date you long term or even short term, he's going to think about sex. I get that and I'm not "naive" to that fact lol. It's easy for me to tell when a guy is interested in just sex yes, but it's evident that I also still have room to learn to tell when a guy is truly interested in more than sex. Hence why I asked my question a few posts above. Like I said, I'm still new to dating and the do's and don'ts of everything.


quote:
Believe it or not a man can sexually desire a woman and actually like her as a person and want a meaningful relationship.

And I'm sorry but did I ever say that wasn't possible?

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Chiemi
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posted December 31, 2013 05:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Chiemi     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Padre35:
First sign of a player Chiemi, you may not know them, but they are comfortable with doing exactly that..and make you feel comfortable with it as well.

For a number of reasons, this the player modus operandi


And that was the case of the guy before B lol, reason why he didn't last long. And by making you "comfortable" they really just try and tell you how you're overreacting so you'll hush and let them continue . Thankfully I've never had a problem with falling for those types.


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Padre35
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posted December 31, 2013 05:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Padre35     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

Oh Chiemi, speaking as a man, the difference is a sexual attraction is HINTED at first of all, then not pushed.

B/c they "like" you, then a man will spend time with you and get a sort of track on how you are..then decide if it is likely anything will happen.

When all it boils down to is "hey how are you..sex..oh that is interesting..sex.."

When every subcurrent runs to sex, it's a safe bet..yep..that is what things are all about.

If one likes spicy food for example, and they take the time and effort to take one to a place that serves spicy food just to see if what you say you like matches up to what you can do..then it is about more then sex.

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